My long term boyfriend and his family

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Schatzie

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When I met my boyfriend well over two years ago, I knew he didn’t really believe nor did his family and it was something we never talked about.

I love God more than anything or anyone, but am able to respect other people’s believes as long as they do not insult mine or those of whom I love. My boyfriend has always been respectful of mine and I of his.

His belief is that religion in general harms people more than it hurts them (although inside that really bothers me, it is what it is and he does not impose it on me, he is happy that it has brought positiveness in my life).

Tonight we were at his house and I was in his room uploading some pictures. The door was open and I hear his grandfather have a heated discussion with my boyfriend’s mom (who believes the same as my boyfriend) over religion. I heard them talk about how its done horrible things and although it was making me uncomfortable I decided to just let them talk and I wouldnt go outside. Suddenly, I hear his grandfather say “Well all I can say is that Catholics are the biggest pieces of s&@##!!^ in this world”…I felt my heart sink into my stomach and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to scream or cry. I respect people who can state their opinion in a respectful and tasteful manner…but that was INSULTING MY family, it was INSULTING what matters so much to me.

OUt of love and respect for my boyfriend I pulled him to the side and asked him to take me home immidiately. He apologized on behalf of his family but it still hurt me so much.

Sometimes I think if I had to do it over again I would have chosen a catholic partner. He has been the most wonderful loving attentive boyfriend I could have ever asked for. I feel bad I would even say that after all he has done and continues to do for me.

We are moving in together in two weeks and I dont know…my faith is so important and tonight hurt so much…I’m really sad and would like to know if anybody could give me some advice as to what i should do. I’m so hurt he would say that outloud knowing I was inside the house…

My faith is my life, it is what keeps me going. I am really upset. :confused:
 
My questions would be, the grandfather knows about you two, and knows that you are Catholic, right? Has his grandson sat the gentleman down and discussed the agreement you two have with him? I think this might be a sign that you need to deal with his family’s reaction to you before you proceed with the relationship. Also, you need to be blunt with your beau – you know the Gospel passage about the man forsaking mother and father to cling to his wife? You may need to tell him, “I love my faith, and if you love me, you will side with me against your family’s insults to my faith.” He needs to step up here and be a man.
 
If your faith is your life, why are you moving in with him without being married to him? That is not a good way to show him or his family the truth of Jesus.
 
Schatzie,

Welcome to the forums! Good for you for having the courage to post your dilemma. Hang in there & try to read all of the responding posts in a charitable way; if you’ve been reading the threads for a while you know that people may sound harsh but mean well.

Your profile says that you just turned 20 years old, and are “100% Catholic.”

I think you might want to consider the possibility that the scenario you described, and the conflict you feel, are God’s way of keeping you from making a terrible mistake in 2 weeks by moving in with a person who thinks that 100% of who you identify as is actually harmful.

It’s interesting to read that “out of love & respect” for your boyfriend, you were the one to pull him aside. How come, out of love and respect for you, he did not stand up for *you *with his family?

Schatzie, if your vocation is to marriage, is this really the person who will help you attain Heaven? That is what spouses in our faith do!

There’s much more I’d like to say, but I think I’ll start slowly & wait for your feedback.

I’ll pray a decade for you tonite. God bless you!
 
Yes, I agree with the others up there.

I’m sorry that you’ve been insulted, but it could be a giant red safety warning flag.

This is clearly the atmosphere in which your boyfriend has been raised. That bigotry is embedded and will stay embedded unless he makes a real effort to root it out and get rid of it. It doesn’t sound like that’s what he’s trying to do. Maybe his beliefs aren’t as bigoted as his grandfather’s, but then again, maybe they are.

Elizabeth
 
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Schatzie:
Sometimes I think if I had to do it over again I would have chosen a catholic partner.
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What are you referring to here? You are not married and you are entirely free to choose the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. It sounds like you’d be very hesitant to marry this man, which means that you certainly should not marry him.
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Schatzie:
We are moving in together in two weeks and I dont know…my faith is so important and tonight hurt so much…I’m really sad and would like to know if anybody could give me some advice as to what i should do.
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Let me echo what other posters are saying. Are you aware that moving in with your boyfriend is immoral? This should not even be a consideration for you. What should you do? Find a priest whom you can trust and tell him everything. I hope things work out for you. God bless.
 
Schatzie,
Please know that everything here is said with love. That said: Please reconsider! If your faith is everything your spouse should be equal in dignity to you.

Your statements brought so much of my own early 20’s back to me. Please know that being Catholic is hard work. Your partner must at least support everything about your Catholicism if he cannot be Catholic himself. If your faith is a major part of who you are then there is no space for immorality of this kind.

I wanted to move in with my boyfriend at the time. I bought into the idea that we would know more that we were ready to marry. Please know, from a few more years under my belt, that living together without marriage is death to a relationship. The one bonus was that I saw him for who he was even without living with him formally.

Your boyfriend’s family will not change. I can promise that. The major concern is that your boyfriend will say or do these same things during a disagreement with you. If he wants to live with you without marriage he is not going to support your beliefs in the long run.

My now husband was not Catholic when we met. He learned along the journey of our relationship about Catholic teaching. The fact that he didn’t ask me to live with him and asked me to marry him instead showed how deep his love for me is. He is now Catholic too… And that old boyfriend??? Married to a twice divorced woman. Last I heard they were on the brink of divorce.

I am praying for you, your boyfriend, and especially his grandfather. Welcome to the forums.
 
I am sorry about your dilemma.

I have to agree with several of the other posters that it is not a good idea to move in with your boyfriend. Living with a man outside of marriage is not the Catholic way of life. Living in that kind of situation definitely harms our relationship with God because it means we are deliberately choosing to deny the moral life that God asks of us.

I also wonder if your boyfriend is as loving and attentive as you say, then is he willing to convert to Catholicism for the sake of your relationship?

I pray that you will use the grace of wisdom of God to discern what to do about this relationship. :gopray:
 
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Schatzie:
We are moving in together in two weeks and I dont know…my faith is so important and tonight hurt so much…I’m really sad and would like to know if anybody could give me some advice as to what i should do. I’m so hurt he would say that outloud knowing I was inside the house…

My faith is my life, it is what keeps me going. I am really upset. :confused:
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well if you are planning to move in with your boyfriend without benefit of marriage, you have blown off fundamental Catholic teaching on marriage and family, and severed yourself from reception of the sacraments, so you would have to give us some other basis for the claim that your faith is your life and keeps you going. I am speaking as I would to my own daughter, out of affection and genuine concern for your happiness and peace of mind. If you had not asked for advice, I would not give it, but here it is: learn what your faith consists of, what the Church you profess to belong to really teaches, listen to God’s Word and if you truly love Jesus you will keep His commandments.

By initiating a sexual relationship outside of marriage you are dooming your chances for future happiness because you have placed your relationship on a physical level and denied the chance for growth in true intimacy. This is the experience of two generations of women who have conducted their lives according to the modernist heresy of free unbridled sex=liberation.
 
When I was 18, I took a college course entitiled Marriage and the Family. One of the most important things that I remember was that when you marry, you don’t just marry that individual. You marry their family, culture and beliefs. This is something that you have to take into consideration. His family will have an influence on your children. What happens when your future kids are teenagers and questioning their faith? WIll they listen to Mom, who has to teach them right from wrong, or Grandpa, who can spoil them to his hearts content? Do you really want that sort of battle?

Why is it too late to break up with him?
 
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Schatzie:
I love God more than anything or anyone, We are moving in together in two weeks …my faith is so important. My faith is my life, it is what keeps me going. :confused:
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Schatzie 👋

Thank you for taking the courage to ask such an important question. Did you notice that your words do not match your actions? Here is a scripture quote for you to meditate on.

Matthew 6:
20 But lay up to yourselves treasures in heaven: where neither the rust nor moth doth consume, and where thieves do not break through, nor steal.
21 For where thy treasure is, there is thy heart also. 22 The light of thy body is thy eye. If thy eye be single, thy whole body shall be lightsome. 23 But if thy eye be evil thy whole body shall be darksome. If then the light that is in thee, be darkness: the darkness itself how great shall it be! 24 No man can serve two masters. For either he will hate the one, and love the other: or he will sustain the one, and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.

Whom are you going to serve?

Do you know what my primary duty is as a married man? My duty is to get my wife and family to heaven. This will be your future husbands duty also. How will he get you into heaven when he is actually taking you from it? How can somebody give you something they have rejected?

May God grant you wisdom and courage. God knows I could have used it at your age. I am still paying the consequences of not being faithful to God and the teachings of His Church.

Peace
 
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Schatzie:
I love God more than anything or anyone.
We are moving in together in two weeks and I dont know…my faith is so important and tonight hurt so much.
My faith is my life, it is what keeps me going. I am really upset. :confused:
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Seems to me that you simply cannot possibly know what God wants for you in the future because you don’t know what he wants for you now.

The above quote is one massive contradiction and shows me that you have a lot more than hurtful comments to sort out.

You are Catholic. You may not live together. To do so is flying in the face of God. If you really love Him as you say you do and your faith is your life, then you have some serious issues to sort out first before you even contemplate being hurt by the grandfathers comments.

Cancel moving in together. If you do decide to go ahead with a plan that is contrary to God’s wishes then I would worry more about the hurt you inflict on the heart of God than the hurt caused to your own heart.
 
Schatzie, dear, which is what Schatzie means, Dearheart,

What everybody else says, I agree. Do not move in with this guy, however nice he might be.

God loves you. He died for you. Please don’t turn away from Him by doing this.

I know there are a lot of people, Catholics even in positions of authority, who say it is nobody’s business if you live together. It is God’s business. It is against Church teaching. Even if you are going to live in two separate bedrooms, this is still not right.

As for his family- They are not going to change. Don’t count on it, particularly Grandpa, who is old and set in his ways. Pray for them, but don’t count on them making one change.

It is not easy being Catholic. I think that’s why they call it “practicing” because it takes lots of practice. 😉 You aren’t going to be a good example to your boyfriend if you move in with him. He isn’t going to understand how much it means to you to be Catholic if you go along with the ways of the world. Believe me, you are worth it.

If you need a place to live, there are other alternatives. Find a female roommate or two. Get a smaller place. Set up a partnership with somebody who needs a little live-in TLC, such as an elderly woman or a lady who’s been injured.

Count on a lot of prayers from the Forum, as well as mine. And let us know what you decide to do.
 
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Schatzie:
When I met my boyfriend well over two years ago, I knew he didn’t really believe nor did his family and it was something we never talked about.

I love God more than anything or anyone, but am able to respect other people’s believes as long as they do not insult mine or those of whom I love. My boyfriend has always been respectful of mine and I of his.

His belief is that religion in general harms people more than it hurts them (although inside that really bothers me, it is what it is and he does not impose it on me, he is happy that it has brought positiveness in my life).

Tonight we were at his house and I was in his room uploading some pictures. The door was open and I hear his grandfather have a heated discussion with my boyfriend’s mom (who believes the same as my boyfriend) over religion. I heard them talk about how its done horrible things and although it was making me uncomfortable I decided to just let them talk and I wouldnt go outside. Suddenly, I hear his grandfather say “Well all I can say is that Catholics are the biggest pieces of s&@##!!^ in this world”…I felt my heart sink into my stomach and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to scream or cry. I respect people who can state their opinion in a respectful and tasteful manner…but that was INSULTING MY family, it was INSULTING what matters so much to me.

OUt of love and respect for my boyfriend I pulled him to the side and asked him to take me home immidiately. He apologized on behalf of his family but it still hurt me so much.

Sometimes I think if I had to do it over again I would have chosen a catholic partner. He has been the most wonderful loving attentive boyfriend I could have ever asked for. I feel bad I would even say that after all he has done and continues to do for me.

We are moving in together in two weeks and I dont know…my faith is so important and tonight hurt so much…I’m really sad and would like to know if anybody could give me some advice as to what i should do. I’m so hurt he would say that outloud knowing I was inside the house…

My faith is my life, it is what keeps me going. I am really upset. :confused:
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I would say that you should think about a Catholic boyfriend. Even if he has been wonderful, how important is your faith? Tell him how you feel and see what he says. See if he will think about converting. I know that I would never marry somebody outside of my religion. No questions asked.

However, also make sure you know your boyfriend’s stance and not just his family’s stance. He is not his father or mother.

I’m very sorry to hear that you are in this dilemma. I would like to also emphasize how bad of an idea moving in together is. That is really something that should wait for marriage and it is better to remove the temptation to have pre-marital sex.

Eamon
 
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turboEDvo:
I would say that you should think about a Catholic boyfriend. Even if he has been wonderful, how important is your faith? Tell him how you feel and see what he says. See if he will think about converting. I know that I would never marry somebody outside of my religion. No questions asked.

However, also make sure you know your boyfriend’s stance and not just his family’s stance. He is not his father or mother.

I’m very sorry to hear that you are in this dilemma. I would like to also emphasize how bad of an idea moving in together is. That is really something that should wait for marriage and it is better to remove the temptation to have pre-marital sex.

Eamon
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I agree with what Eamon said as well as what everybody else has said above. Maybe he really is not right for you. I can safely consider myself the luckiest girl in the world to have a devout Catholic boyfriend. I realize his family and mine don’t see eye to eye on some things, but that doesn’t bother me. I respect his family’s beliefs and he respects mine. We agree on all of the important things. God comes first in both of our lives and we won’t change that. What Eamon also said about your courting him and not his family is true. My mother is a bit excentric sometimes and my boyfriend realizes that and knows that even though people claim that the girl you date will be like her mother in many years, I am my own person and don’t think the same things or feel the same way as my mother does on different things. He also knows that I look for my father in the person I want to marry. Just be careful that you understand his beliefs and are prepared to live with them peacefully before the relationship increases in depth or intesntity. Realize that changing a man after marraige is virtually impossible and shouldn’t be counted on. Marry/date him because you love him as he is. Realize also that too many differences could cause problems in the future. Most of all, pray. The Holy Spirit is always willing to help you, as is Our Lady.
 
My dear girl, your situation sounds so much like my own 35 years ago. Please rethink this. God does not want us to have sexual relations before marriage, and his family will not change without a miracle happening. Save yourself much guilt and heartache. It is not that older people are necessarily more “conservative”, we have just been there ourselves and want to warn those coming along after. God bless you.
 
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katy:
My dear girl, your situation sounds so much like my own 35 years ago. Please rethink this. God does not want us to have sexual relations before marriage, and his family will not change without a miracle happening. Save yourself much guilt and heartache. It is not that older people are necessarily more “conservative”, we have just been there ourselves and want to warn those coming along after. God bless you.
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:yup: whatever you do, please don’t have sex before marraige. The very act will torment you later. Too many bad things can happen like bringing extra “baggage” into a marraige, STDs, pregnancy, and that is just the beginning. Careful…but that is just my :twocents:
 
Schatzie, are you there? You haven’t responded to all these nice people who are trying to help you.
 
If you want people to see Catholics as good people, you must be a good representative of one who is Catholic. Moving in with a man you are not married to is sin. It doesn’t matter how good he is, or how much you love him, or how much he loves you. Sin is sin.

Besides the serious motal sin you would be committing, what sort of awful things will the family think if you do move in with him? What sort of impression will you give to others if you present yourself as a devout Catholic whose faith “means evertything to me”, and then you behave like that?

You can get out of this situation. You don’t have to go through with it. Lose the security deposit if you have - what is more important in God’s eyes, your money or your morals? And if you were planning on moving into boyfriend’s room in the family home with grandpa - even bigger mistake.

That grandpa did you a big favor really. It was like a vision into the future and the squeal of the brakes before you hit the wall. Stop before it’s too late to undo the damage.
 
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