My mom is driving me crazy...advice needed here

[BlestOne]

Hello all…I am going to dive right in here cause I am going crazy! I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers. I get along great with 1 sister and until recently with both brothers but now only 1. My mom seems to be the cause of all the trouble though. I live far away from all my family and I have 3 natural children and 1 step, which is a pretty new occurance (married at the end of August) anyway, being the only one so far away, naturally I am the one that always has to travel to see family. I understand that and it isn’t a problem. But, and here is a BIG but, since I live far away and I was the only single mom in my family for years, when grandma decided to just send money at Christmas, I said OK. Her reasoning was that she can take her other grandkids out and shop for them any time but since shipping costs and she isn’t sure of the kids sizes, she would send money. So, every year for the past 4 years mom has sent $500 for Christmas, and I have really appreciated it in the position I was in. This year, after I got married a huge fight broke out between my oldest sister and I. She decided to make it a family affair and sent all the emails to all the brothers and sisters. She was very cruel and mean and yet accused me of being horrible to her when I pointed out that she had a problem. Anyway, both of us got pretty heated, we have never gotten along either, but this time I just decided I wasn’t going to ignore her anymore and it was about time I stood up for myself. Anyway, she started spouting off about mom sending me thousands of dollars a year just because I was stupid and made a mess of my life because I got divorced. Ok, neither is true, mom doesn’t send me “thousands a year” and I didn’t make a mess of my life. I corrected her and told her it was none of her business what mom sent me but it was $500 a year at Christmas and my kids didn’t get school clothes or birthday presents from her or “just go shopping” with grandma like her kids got. She replied that she knew I was lying and mom’s money is her business because it is “her” mom. So this year when mom called me about sending money out I asked her not to send anything just so that there was no appearance of mom bailing me out. Mom got mad at me and asked why, so I told her that until this was cleared up I didn’t want presents or money from her at all just so my sister couldn’t complain. It was a bit melodramatic since I knew mom knew all about it already so I asked mom if she knew that sister though she gave me that much and did she have any clue why she would think such a thing. Mom’s reaction was kinda weird, she hemmed and hawed for a while then she said she had no clue why sister would think such a thing. At this point I am thinking mom has been telling her this for sympathy or whatever…heroism maybe? Anyway, I also told her that she said that mom’s money was her business and asked her why my sister would even think this was her business. Again mom said she had no clue. Then she hung up on me (nothing new about this routine either). I talked to my other sister about it since she had gotten all the emails as well, and she was well…blunt when she said, “I think mom has been the cause of all this, didn’t you notice when you were growing up that you were always treated so different?” OK peeling myself off the floor I said yeah, but every kid thinks that. She said, no it was true, then she said, I have been doing some reading and there is something I want you to look at and she sent me a link in my email about narcissistic personality disorders. As I read all this stuff I definitely saw alot of my family in it. Anyway, I have no clue how to deal with my mom on this…my sister and I both agree that mom and oldest sister fit these profiles to a tee and we can’t let them affect our lives any longer, so does anyone have any experience with narcissitic personalities or mom’s that lie to a sibling about another sibling? I really think she has been causing alot of the fights for years, I don’t know why I haven’t seen it before now, maybe I just didn’t want to see it. How does one deal with a mother that thrives on causing trouble between her kids and a sister that is sicker than the mom, and willingly engages in this? I have prayed and I have sat the kids down and talked to them about the situation, but I am still at a loss, I am also a little annoyed that my other sister could see it so clearly and not say anything before now, but I understand that if she did she would have become the target.

 

[Robaynne]

For the past hour or so have been trying to think what to say to you. Have you ever thought that maybe your sister is jealous that for the past couple of years you were alone and now you have somebody. She was wrong to say the things that she said whatever happened in your marriage is your business and nobody else. And why should it bother her whether your mother gives you money or not you are after all her daughter also and that money came in handy when you needed it. There are alot of issues involved and you need to sort it out. Something is just not right her I went on line to check what Narcissistic personality disorder it talks about other things not about what your sister was saying. Sorry I am a bit confused there just seems to be other issues involved here. Everybody feels that they parents treat them differently. Have ever thought that maybe your mother had no knowledge of what was going on. And that your sister is jealous and wants all the attention to herself and for your mother to share it. If your mother did not care she would not bother to send you any money. Look at the situation from a different angle maybe I am wrong am not sure. But sometimes people are so happy when you are down and out and once you start picking yourself up they are not happy. You were alone for along time and now you have a husband and another child and maybe she was happy that things were not great for you then now it is different. I could be wrong but think about what I said and maybe other people have other opinions about your situation. There is alwasy jealousy amoungst brothers and sisters. And you should try things differently and see what happens. Your mother might not be the problem but maybe your sisters is the one causing trouble.

The money is for your kids and maybe once things are sorted out maybe you can open a banking account for them and the money can be for them.

 

[kp1]

Ok, I too did a quick search on the personality disorder and I am confused.

Ok, I would ask you mother if she really like sending you the money every year or if this is burdensome to her. While you really appreciate the money and attention to the children, you do not want her to feel she has to send the money for your children to love her. A gift is something that is given free and clear without some return expected. You really wish your children had more time with her, and maybe talk about a visit.

I think the reasoning to stop the money is unfair to your mother if she really is giving the gift as a gift. By telling your mother she can not dote on her grandchildren, the only way she feels she can, you could really be hurting her. She could see this as a way to cut her from your life.

As for your sister, this is her problem not yours when it comes to her concerns for the money, unless your sister is taking care of her in some fashion like running her accounts. Your sister needs to just get over it if it is jealousy, and you telling your mother to not send the money means you are giving in to her tantrums. Would you give into a child who throws a fit because they are upset or thinks something is unfair. Stop playcaitting your sister, she must deal with her own conflictedness and grow up.

You are not responsible for your mother’s finances or the tantrums from your sister. Your mother should be allowed to do with her money as she pleases, afterall it is her money. Is your sister expecting to inherit the money? You are a very empathetic person, but you too need to learn that you can not make everyone happy. This is your sister’s problem to fix, not yours.

That is my two cents! Remember, when you die, you are held accountable for your own actions to God and no one else!

 

[Brenda_V]

Well, from the little information we have of mom’s behavior and just a bit more of sister’s from the definition of Narcissistic disorder it could be, it could not be too. I am neither a Psychologist or Psychiatrist so I can’t say.

I will agree with the last post though, ask your mom is she wishes to give her grandchildren the money. It is hers to give and since you are the one who accepts it for your children you should accept it graciously.

You do live far away so you only have contact with the occassional trip home and e-mails, phone calls and letters. You don’t have to respond to e-mails or letters and if you have an answering machine, you can choose to screen your calls (I do and I am an Avon Rep. so the phone is my biggest connection between my customers and me).

Something else I haven’t seen mentioned here yet is prayer. Pray about it, ask God for guidance or the ability to accept where your mom and sister are at and to be able to ignore their (bizarre) behavior.

Brenda V/

 

[Marilena]

It is a tough situation that your in. Your mom doesn’t sound “narcissistic” to me. Nor the cause of the fighting, but Iam not there, and I can’t really say for sure. It sounds like the trouble maker is your sister who sent all these emails ext. She sounds jealous, and not just of the money your mom sends, but it sounds like an attention issue. She is not only jealous of you, but the attention your mom gives you. If your mom wants to give you money, that is her business. But you need to lovingly set your sister straight. Arguing never helps. Be calm around your sister, and be patient. Don’t get into it with her because this doesn’t accomplish anything. If you feel your temper rising, simply tell her it is not a good time to talk, and politely tell her to call back another time. Always deal with family in a loving and kind manner. They are your family, and they deserve to be treated with love and respect, the same as you do. No one expects to be the perfect family, and to get along all the time! It doesn’t always happen. Especially in larger families. Consult your priest, and tell him the situation. He can point you in the right direction. I have large family, and they are wonderful! Yes, I’ve argued with my younger sister, who doesn’t? But I also have learned that when we both feel like getting cranky, then one of us hangs ups, and we let time pass until we can have a discussion about it. My dad told me to politely hang up when we are arguing. He was right as usual My mom tells me when you get into an argument, walk away and let it cool off for awhile, and then discuss it when your both calmed down. It works! They are both right! Patience is a virtue! So is being kind and understanding! Compassion is too. But, talk to your priest! It is a very good idea! Talk to a good friend too, Even your hubby. Mine is a wonderful patient man. It helps.

 

[asquared]

short answer, forgive your sister, your mother (and anybody else in your family you have a grievance against) in a private letter, and in your heart, and in the same letter ask forgiveness for any matter you may have done, knowingly or unknowingly to offend them, and make it clear that the past is now closed for discussion between you. Also in the future avoid bringing the rest of the family into any disagreement between you and any member of the family.If you begin what could become a very healthy habit in your family, of ceasing to measure love by quantifying gifts and money, and more in terms of biblical principls (1 Cor 13), you could be the conduit for great graces in your family.

 

[CatholicSam]

Well, I looked into NPD, and guess what I found? MY mother-in-law fits about 90% of the characteristics perfectly! Finally, I know what the problem is :whacky: The sad news is that usually treatment fails (if you can even get them into treatment) and they end up pushing everyone away from them in their old age. So we need to storm heaven with prayers for anyone we think might have NPD!