My mother can't accept my husband and his family

[St_Anne]

My mother can’t accept my husband and his family. We’ve be married for two years we have a 1 year old son. My parents didn’t go to their grandson’s baptism. My mother thinks my husband only married me for money. So 1 month before our wedding we had to sign a pre-marriage agreement and if we refused there was not going to be a wedding. We signed. I’ve been disowned! Why because I don’t do what my parents want. Control was and still is a problem for my parents (esp. my mom). If I don’t live close to her she is upset. So my husband and I move an hour away from her. My husband and I went for help. Still till this day my mother doesn’t treat me fairly.

I’m only talking to my parents because of our son but I’m so fed up that I don’t want to care about their feelings anymore that if they want to be that way so be it. I’m hoping that I’m doing the right thing. Any advice and or comments…

 

[duskyjewel]

As you are an adult, I don’t see how your parents could have prevented your wedding.

Stop giving them so much power. Call once a month, say “hi how are ya” then get on wih living your life. Focus your energy on your husband and child.

 

[St_Anne]

I think it was my fault in the control aspect of things. I lived with them till I was married. They had control over my money, friends, etc. I know that if I had the help when I was younger I would have left them a long time ago. I was engaged before and it ended because of them. So, when I was engaged to my husband, we kept it a secret. I made the arrangements for the wedding and I used want money I had. Then my mother wanted to put her two cents in then it got crazy.

I had a lead my early adult life what they wanted and not what I wanted. So I guess this was the last straw so to speak.

My husband wants to move further away and I don’t want to because I still want to visit my friends. I left my two jobs and teaching children’s liturgy. I don’t want to run! Why sould I? I haven’t don’t anything wrong. My mother keeps saying that I don’t honor my parents! I don’t know what I must do to make them happy and be in peace. I phone once in a while and then we are ok and then they are upset.

I totally want to cut off the relationship but I don’t want my son to say in the future…my grandparents?

I’m of Italian decent and my husband is Mexican decent. I want my son to speak Italian and know his heritage and like wise with is Mexican background. I want to do the right thing. … I’m I?

As you are an adult, I don’t see how your parents could have prevented your wedding.

Stop giving them so much power. Call once a month, say “hi how are ya” then get on wih living your life. Focus your energy on your husband and child.

 

[Teakafrog]

My mother is the same way. Always hated my husband, mostly because he was a symbol that she no longer had complete control of me. So from someone who has been there, done that, I will tell you–run. Get away from them. It will be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage. You are a grown woman with a family of your own, and you have to think about them first now. I made the mistake of trying to accommodate my mother and it nearly ruined my marriage. I’ll never do that again. I broke off communication with her until she changed her behavior. Now we are slowly re-establishing it, as long as she behaves herself. But it’s hard. I should have gotten out from under her thumb as soon as we got married.

 

[St_Anne]

Thank you so much for your insight. I will take your advice. May God Bless you and your family!

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh I’m sorry Anne, that this is happening. My parents passed away when I was a kid–and my sister, who is 13 yrs my senior, raised me. Since she served as a mother figure for me, I treated her as such, and she was very controlling. She didn’t like my husband at first, either…I think largely due to what I’ve read here…that my husband took away the control she had over me. Or the guilt she wanted to lay on me for having to raise me. (we are actually closer than ever now, but boy, it took YEARS to get there)

That being said, I stopped communicating on a regular basis and jumping through her hoops. Hoops meaning my dh and I would always have to pile the kids into the car when they were wee babies, and drive 4 hours…and she rarely offered to visit me. I decided one day, after much prayer…that we were done living like that. I did nothing wrong…I was always respectful of her. If she chose to treat me like I was eternally 16 yrs old, then I’d have to break away. We moved to PA for 10 years…and it definitely was a good thing for my dh and me.

Now, we live in FL–moved back last year, and she and I are closer than ever. It took a lot of prayer, and courage on my part, to not allow her to push me around. It might be scary territory for you–since you have been ‘obedient’ to them…I too come from an Italian background…oh my gosh, I can relate.

Just remember this…Honoring one’s parents doesn’t mean losing your identity, or putting them above your marriage. If anything, your husband comes before them, now. (as long as he is good to you and them) One can honor one’s parents, and still have his/her own life.

I will keep you all in my prayers…and that your mom tries to discover happiness through a relationship with God, and loving herself. Controlling people are usually not happy people…

God bless.

 

[dcrowmik]

GN 2:24
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.

MK 10:6-9
But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother (and be joined to his wife), and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, no man must separate."

You and your husband are one now. Your parents are someone else. Be charitable to them but concentrate yourself on your husband and child. Pray for your parents and yourself that you may be charitable towards each other.

 

[Ron21]

st.Anne, Personally i think your parents just cant seem to handle it that somebody else is taking care of you…you are not a child anymore and you love your parents very much but you need to let them know that they cannot feel that they will always make decisions for your life…

Just pray for them that they will accept your life decision and your new family

God Bless you and your family

 

[kevinsgirl]

Your first responsibility is to be a good wife and mother. That comes before the whims of your mother…you can respect her from a distance.

 

[puzzleannie]

My. So 1 month before our wedding we had to sign a pre-marriage agreement and if we refused there was not going to be a wedding. We signed. I’ve been disowned! Why because I don’t do what my parents want. Control was and still is a problem for my parents (esp. my mom).quote]
see your priest ASAP as in certain cases a pre-nup can inalidate a mariage, see him to make sure things get set aright.

you cannot and will change your mother
focus on your own marriage and your own family
be polite and civil, pray for her, don’t expect miracles, don’t expect her to give up control, do expect her to exert control any time you give her a chance. For this reason, the bible says, husband and wife LEAVE their parents and cling to each other. As long as you do that you should be okay. She might try to make it a mom vs husband event, but that won’t happen unless you allow it.

 

[Sierrah]

My mother is the same way. Always hated my husband, mostly because he was a symbol that she no longer had complete control of me. So from someone who has been there, done that, I will tell you–run. Get away from them. It will be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage. You are a grown woman with a family of your own, and you have to think about them first now. I made the mistake of trying to accommodate my mother and it nearly ruined my marriage. I’ll never do that again. **I broke off communication with her until she changed her behavior. Now we are slowly re-establishing it, as long as she behaves herself. But it’s hard. I should have gotten out from under her thumb as soon as we got married./**QUOTE]

I would explain to her how you feel and that you expect them to respect you and your choices (including your husband) or you’ll have to cease contact until they can give your family the treatment they deserve. It might not work but I can say there was a similar situtation in my family only it was an aunt and not a grandparent causing the issue. My family didn’t see or speak to her for a year then put out feelers to seek if she was ready to respect our family and she did. In fact she never disrespected our family again and to this day we are still close to her.