My mother has mental illness and I still can't accept it as a fact

[valencia]

I just can’t. I want my mother health. I argue with her everytime. I probably have emotional problems too. I ‘like’ to arguing sometimes. I know it’s not good to argue with sick person but in my heart she’s health. I feel like a worst daughter ever when I tell her many painful words. Today I told her that I don’t want to spend New Year Eve with parents, even I will spend it because I have no place to go. I just told it because I wanted to tell it. Nothing more. I didn’t want to make her sad or something. I just have to tell something bad because I can’t hide my emotions. It’s my biggest disadvantage. Have I a mortal sin? I very regret it. Very regret. Or just treat this like a typical arguing? I don’t know what should I do. What should I do to make God forget that sin, to understand that my mom has real problem…

 

[Legend]

You didn’t give us much information to go on. Do you live with your mother? Is your father around? Are you old enough to live on your own?

The only advice I can give, at this point, is:

Try not to depend so much on your mother. You should be making friends, planning a future. You say you like arguing? Is there a political group you can join? It sounds as if you’re not being fair to your mom!

If your dad is around, can you talk to him? He may not like to argue, but he may be more accessible.

Is your mother in therapy? Sre you? Look into it.
!

Prayers. God Bless!

 

[Lee1]

You should speak to your priest about this.

Try to be gentle with your mum if she’s unwell. Treat her with respect as she is still your mother.

You may be angry that she is unwell and get a little confused yourself maybe?

God bless you and prayers for your mother.

 

[s.cono]

Valencia. I have a similar situation with my father who is suffering from dementia. I hate arguing with him when he is wrong, but sometimes I feel powerless to stop myself. I have discovered that a lot of it is caused by own fears regarding his worsening condition. I confess to my regular confessor everytime I feel I disrespected my father. I was frequently arguing with him about things he does or doesn’t do to my liking. My mother would do it to him as well, and in a sense we were ganging up on him.

Father suggested praying to Jesus through the Blessed Virgin Mary, and also to St. Joseph. I can honestly say that it has been helping. I take pause now before answering too hastily, remembering I prayed for strength to not give in to my temper, and pride. Pride played a big part in my problem.

Things are better, but far from perfect. I still have those urges to engage in an argument. Or start one, even, but nowhere to the extent it was just a few weeks ago. I wish you peace and serenity in your relationship with your mom.

 

[valencia]

Thanks for answers.
I live with my parents, because I still go to school. I talk with my dad, but when he go work I just spend time with my mom. And sometimes I feel I have nothing to talk even I love him and he’s healthier.
And sometimes mum’s very irritating. She is at my room everytime I don’t want it and she can makes me angry so much… But I wanted change it…
I went to confession 2 days ago and I feel like worst person ever that I argue with her again. She was shouting, but as I remember she didn’t looked as person who was insulted. She was happy while she talked many things… I talked to her one word more… I remember that probably she started disscussion about New Year’s eve. I told her (usually i can’t ‘hide’ my emotion) that I feel bad with that I have to spend every year at home. She was laughing at that. I was more angry. After many hours I realized she never understand me because she’s ill. I got this many times I talk her. I just can’t treat her like sick person. Dad too. They argue so much sometimes, but he knows when he could stop disscussion, I don’t know. I feel so bad now. I can’t go to confession, but 2 two days ago I felt like new person. I have many problems with myself, I always was person with ‘too much energy’, my character is that I love to argue just because I must be right, I’m very nervous and I’m attacking by demonic thoughts. Everyday I have to listen very ugly things in my mind… Everyday I ‘hear’ about satan etc… It makes worst person ever. And mum… She’s lovely but irritating… And dad… He doesn’t help me… Even he’s helpful in other things.

 

[Lee1]

I have a little experience of this too.

I have a theory that we may be irritated and take it out on the person in a subconscious hope that somehow we will provoke them to be well again. Somehow they may get angry and try to lift themselves out of what’s ailing them. Of course this won’t happen if the illness is dementia or mental illness.

Also prompted by fear as you say, fear of losing a formerly strong and reliable parent. It’s scary, and fear is often behind anger in my experience. knowing these things can help or at least considering them may.

Valencia if you have interfering thoughts that you find upsetting you might see your family doctor and discuss things with him. And of course talk to your priest too.

God bless.

 

[valencia]

Lee1
I always wanted change her. I knew she’s ill, but I still treated her as ‘ordinary’ person. Now I know that it was mistake. But I don’t know what should I do. I tried to change myself and do not to make her angry. And everything was great since yesterday. One arguing and mortal sin. Regret it so much. What should I do now? Say sorry for yesterday or maybe start thing ‘don’t care it’s not first time’. I hate myself for being who I am now!!! I can’t go confession… I had to prayed to Jesus and said Him that I am sorry of course…

I talk with many people about thoughts which attack me and they said that I probably have to go to priest and talk with him about it…

 

[Legend]

At this time, it may be a good idea to keep as much distance as possible, between your mom, and yourself. Don’t try and ‘fix’ anything…it hasn’t helped so far, has it? Just speak respectfully, when you must, and try to spend time outside the house. Look up things that are going on at your school…clubs, concerts, dances…try and find something that interests you. I know it can be difficult, but you didn’t cause your mother’s illness, you can’t cure it, and it’s futile to try and change it. Just work on making a life for yourself.
If you have the time, maybe you should look for a part-time job. It will help you to get some financial independence, and you’ll be able to make friends there. I wish you the best!

God Bless!

 

[guanophore]

My mother has mental illness and I still can’t accept it as a fact. just can’t. I want my mother health.

I don’t understand why these seem mutually exclusive for you. If she had cancer, would you be able to accept she was ill, yet desire her health?

I argue with her everytime.

This is not productive, and something you can correct, the sooner the better.

I probably have emotional problems too. I ‘like’ to arguing sometimes.

It is good that you recognize this. Sometimes it is the argumentative part that has enabled people to survive a very sick parent. But one needs to move beyond survival to thriving. God wants the fruit of the Spirit to grow in you, and arguing is not one of those.

I feel like a worst daughter ever when I tell her many painful words.

It is good that your conscience if functioning well. Guilt is just a signal that we need to correct our behavior, and go to confession.

I just have to tell something bad because I can’t hide my emotions. It’s my biggest disadvantage.

You just need some coping skills. These are things that are learned.

Have I a mortal sin?

Lack of skills does not constitute a mortal sin, however, you have an obligation to develop those skills so you do not hurt others.

Or just treat this like a typical arguing?

“Typical arguing” does not reflect the love of God either.

 

[guanophore]

I just can’t treat her like sick person.

Yes, you can. You just need to learn how it is done.

character is that I love to argue just because I must be right, I’m very nervous and I’m attacking by demonic thoughts. Everyday I have to listen very ugly things in my mind

This is the sickness inside yourself where your focus needs to be, instead of on someone
else.

I feel bad with that I have to spend every year at home

This is your choice to make. If you feel bad about it, make a different choice, or accept the choice you made so you an be at peace with it.

sometimes mum’s very irritating. She is at my room everytime I don’t want it and she can makes me angry so much…

If you need space, leave the house and go somewhere else.

No one can “make” you angry. You are responsible for your own emotions. Your anger belongs to you,and you are in charge of it. You do not need to give away control of your emotions to another person. It is not healthy.

I always wanted change her. I

Now is a good time to stop. We cannot change others, only ourselves. Focus on what you need to change about yourself, not someone else. This is how we live discipleship.

I tried to change myself and do not to make her angry.

You are not responsible for her emotions. Her anger belongs to her. You can try not to provoke her or make the situation worse, but if she is angry that is her problem to manage. You have your hands full managing your own emotions.

I hate myself for being who I am now!!!

This is a good place to start. Jesus loves you, and wants to transform you into holiness. Hating yourself is not productive. Jesus teaches us to love others as we love ourselves. How can you love others as He desires if you do not first love yourself?

 

[valencia]

Guanophore thank you for long answers.
I have been alone since I remember. I always was a bad child, nervous, with full energy, no one wanted like me. In the junior high school I had change into most irritable person ever with specific sense of humour, with ugly look… When I realized how bad I am it was too late… At new school I had to close my heart. I changed into silent, scary person. I was afraid of be not accepted etc. No one liked me and no one like me. I know why. I tried to change it of course. But I can’t. Or I can but don’t know how. I just go home everyday, hide in my room and do what I do to not think that I’m alone. And momma knows it. She is very lonely too. And she ‘attacks me’ sometimes. When I get up-mum. She js at room one time. Okay. But 5 times… Is irritating me. I really don’t know how to say her "mum I’m busy. I have to go to school, I must eat, change clothes leave me.’ in way she understands. I really have to learn how treat sick person.
And sometimes I feel that it’s high time to tell dad ‘she needs to be cured by someone else, therapy etc’ but everytime I start this topic daddy tell me that can’t do anything. And probably his right because we told many times with mom about that problem…
Now I just pray to Jesus everyday. I tell him I regret, I"m going to church, try not to avoid any Holy Mass…
I have big problem with myself so I can’t help mother. I never can. Thanks for answers again.

 

[Lee1]

Remember you really do have a guardian angel. Your angel knows you completely and is with you always, ask your angel to help you with thoughts and help you have peace in your mind. Our prayers are heard and God is Almighty be assured.

When I had trouble in my home I prayed to the Holy Mother to send an angel to abide in my house and to bring peace and tranquility to my home. This was granted. Try asking Our Lady, She always helps if you are sincere. Maybe also ask Her to help your mother too.

I pray for you and your family, God bless you.

 

[valencia]

Sometimes I pray on Holy Rosary. It’s my favourite prayer because I can focus on it. Everytime I am busy I am praying to Angel.
And thank you for your prayers, God Bless you and Bless everyone here.

 

[guanophore]

I always was a bad child, nervous, with full energy, no one wanted like me.

A child is not “bad” because they are nervous and full of anxiety. Growing up in a dysfunctional family engenders these responses in children. It is actually a healthy response to an unhealthy situation.

In the junior high school I had change into most irritable person ever with specific sense of humour, with ugly look…

Sometimes being irritable is a way to protect oneself from getting hurt, and looking “ugly” can keep people at a distance, which also reduces the risk of being hurt.

When I realized how bad I am it was too late…

Nonsense. It is never too late for us to change, grow, and become the people God wants us to be. His love is everlasting. It is His good pleasure to give us the Kingdom.

I tried to change it of course. But I can’t. Or I can but don’t know how. I

There are two important points here. One is that we need the grace of God to change, we can’t become the people He wants us to be all by ourselves. Second, we need skills and direction. There are many people who have already been down this road, and it behooves us to take their advice!

I really have to learn how treat sick person.

Yes, these are specific skills that can be learned, and you are clearly highly motivated to get them! One of the principles is to first to learn how to take care of yourself, since your parent who is ill is not able to respond to your needs.

And sometimes I feel that it’s high time to tell dad ‘she needs to be cured by someone else, therapy etc’ but everytime I start this topic daddy tell me that can’t do anything. And probably his right because we told many times with mom about that problem…

For many chronic illnesses there is no “cure”. It is like diabetes and high blood pressure - it is a matter of maintenance and treatment. You are right, your options are limited if the affected person refuses help. This is why it is better to focus your energies on getting yourself healthy.

I have big problem with myself so I can’t help mother. I never can.

Actually, focusing on yourself and what you can do to be healthy may have some unexpected positive outcomes on her. The best help you can give her right now is your own self care.