my Mother

[cleofet]

First I am sorry this is so long.

I have an 82-year-old mother that lives alone in Phila. She is bitter & does not get along with many people including my Brother who lives in Phila. & my sister and her family who just recently moved to Georgia. I live in New Orleans. Mom had found a lump behind her ear last year that the doctors found Lymphoma cells in but she won’t take the test to find out how far advanced it is. We had gone to pick her up the Saturday before Hurricane Katrina to come live with my husband & I. She went to settlement the day after the Hurricane hit. We could not get back into New Orleans so we went to my sisters house in GA. Three days later we were called to report for work to Fort Worth Naval Air Station with no idea where they would put us up. We told mom we would be back to get her as soon as we could get back to New Orleans. Mom staying at my sisters didn’t last but about three weeks. She called me in Forth Worth & said that if I didn’t come get her right then & there she would commit suicide. I told her we would be there in a week and a half to pick her up & bring her to New Orleans to stay in our house (which didn’t have hardly any damage) with our two adult kids. She said ok. The very next day she made my sister bring her back to Phila to my brother’s house. Now remember that she doesn’t get along with him & he is having huge problems himself because his wife is dying of cancer. That also didn’t last but a few days then she took off & no one knew where she was for several days. I called around & found out with my sister’s help that she was in a hotel in Phila. I called her & told her that we would come & get her & bring her to New Orleans but she said no she had to make her own decisions. I got a hold of a few relatives that I thought she would listen to & they contacted her. She moved in with one of her cousins who is very old himself & that didn’t work for too long. Then she said she wanted to buy another house in Phila. She ended up in an apartment in the suburbs of Phila that she said she liked. Then a few weeks later (we were back home by this time) she said that she hated it & was afraid to stay there. She went to stay with a friend of her cousins but then returned to the apartment. On several occasions since we have been back home we have told her to get on a plane or train & come here but she refuses. Now she says that there are to many people in the house. (We took in two of my adult children and my daughter fiancée because they lost their houses). A few weeks ago when I was talking to her, she was telling me how rotten my sister, brother & uncle are (every single time we talk) & how she was a good mother & doesn’t deserve her family treating her like this. I tried to tell her that they were there when she had breast cancer & when she had her stroke. She said they were supposed to be & that that was something that they needed to do. She said “now I see the writing on the wall” I asked her what she meant & she said “never mind”. She always tells me how she will never forgive them for how she has been treated & that she always took up for her mother. The other night I spoke to her & she said that I never pick up for her. She said I am just like my brother & sister that I don’t treat her right & that she could never live with me. I am at my wits end & don’t know what to do. If it was just physical illness I could deal with it but the way her mental attitude is & all the hate she carries inside of her I don’t know if I could take care of her now. She refuses to take anti-depressant medicine & she won’t even go to find out exactly what type of lymphoma & if/how far advanced it is. I talked to her about assisted living but she says it is too expensive. I don’t know what to do. I sit & cry sometimes because I don’t want her to die alone. She has alienated just about everyone, she is afraid of everyone and doesn’t like most people. All she does is sit and hate and think about dying. I don’t think I could just show up there and drag her here. I am praying to God that I really can put it in His hands not just keep saying it. Thanks for reading all of this. I just had to vent. God bless all of you .

 

[JC_Nixon]

Rest assured, you and your mother have my prayers. I cannot imagine the stress you have been under these last several months.

It sounds like a difficult situation, you want to help your mother and do what is best, but it doesn’t sound like she wants help, except on her terms. Unfortunately, that is not fair nor realistic. Perhaps she doesn’t know what she wants. You can’t just drag her off unless of course you go the route of having her declared incompetent. It sounds as if that might be the best course of action, otherwise she can do as she pleases and you are stuck.

I really am unqualified to offer you any advice, but your post sounded like you really need some support and that I can give. I will pray for you and your mother, may our good and gracious God show you the way and grant you strength in the days ahead.

God Bless.

 

[deb1]

YOur mother sounds exactly like mine. In fact, scarily so. My mother is very difficult and goes out of her way to alienate people. But this does not make her happy because she simply talks about how horrible every one is to her. I don’t know if she gets some internal satisfaction from feeling sorry for herself, but I suspect that my mom secretly enjoys pitying her own self.

My mother, too, has been subscribed antidepressants and at one time, lithanol. She claims that she is allegeric to antidepressants and refuses to take anything. I would love to know why she was prescribed lithanol(SPELLING?) But she got a form from a lawyer which she gave to all her doctors that said she would sue anyone who gave out information on her.

You sound like a wonderful person. You are doing your best to care for everyone. Bless your heart. I wish that there was a way to hug people through cyber space.

This is the only wisdom that I can give you but it has helped me tremendously. No matter how good you are, or how much you try, in your mother’s eyes you will never be good enough. Do not look to her for approval because she is incapable of giving it to you. Once I figured out that my mom was never going to thank me for my help but instead would continue to resent and belittle me, I found that I had more power in dealing with her.

You said that she has threatened suicide. This means that she is a danger to herself. If you think it would help then you can have her temporarily committed so that you can get her some psychological help.

 

[auppie]

JC Nixon:

Rest assured, you and your mother have my prayers. I cannot imagine the stress you have been under these last several months.

It sounds like a difficult situation, you want to help your mother and do what is best, but it doesn’t sound like she wants help, except on her terms. Unfortunately, that is not fair nor realistic. Perhaps she doesn’t know what she wants. You can’t just drag her off unless of course you go the route of having her declared incompetent. It sounds as if that might be the best course of action, otherwise she can do as she pleases and you are stuck.

I really am unqualified to offer you any advice, but your post sounded like you really need some support and that I can give. I will pray for you and your mother, may our good and gracious God show you the way and grant you strength in the days ahead.

God Bless.

I agree with JC…it sounds like you need to talk to a Phila. lawyer (because that is where she is) to begin a guardianship/conservatorship over your mother. It’s not an easy thing to do, but sometimes a necessary thing to do. Good luck! I’ll be praying for you.

 

[Viki59]

deb1:

My mother, too, has been subscribed antidepressants and at one time, lithanol. She claims that she is allegeric to antidepressants and refuses to take anything. I would love to know why she was prescribed lithanol(SPELLING?) But she got a form from a lawyer which she gave to all her doctors that said she would sue anyone who gave out information on her.

The internet says that lithonal is prescribed for kidney stones, some kind of herbal remedy. Or could you mean lithium, which is for bipolar disorder?

Cleo, I’m sorry to hear of your problems with your mother. My best friend had similar problems; her mother hired a detective to investigate her because she thought my friend had kidnapped the mother’s boyfriend to prevent their marriage (really he had run off) There was little my friend could do because the law is very strict and it’s hard to declare someone incompetent. Although you might have a chance since she has a dangerous diagnosis and refuses to have it addressed, but even that is not certain. Anyone can refuse medical treatment.
Please do not allow her negative comments to hurt you. She probably can’t help them, it may be her illness. You clearly care about her and want to do your best to help her.
You are in my prayers.

 

[BlestOne]

Cleofet,
Is your mom in the city or the burbs? My mom lives in the burbs and if they are close enough, I think it might do them both good to make friends. My mom works at a retirement village for nuns and before that has worked in home health care. She might be able to convince your mom to see a doctor. I take it you are a military family? I spent years in the military, and my brother is still in so I am sure they could have a great gripe fest together about their military kids. hahaha! let me know if she is in the burbs and which burb if possible.

 

[deb1]

Viki59:

The internet says that lithonal is prescribed for kidney stones, some kind of herbal remedy. Or could you mean lithium, which is for bipolar disorder?

I meant Lithium, thanks for both the correction and taking the time to look it up. She was prescribed this by a psychologist but she refused to take the medication.

 

[stbruno]

Perhaps you could contact the dept. of aging for the city and have them check up on her welfare. She might be willing also to let a parish nurse if your parish has one to check up on her regularly or even a minister of care in the parish to help out.

littlebrothers.org/ The Little Brothers of the Poor have an organization that works to aid the elderly and I believe there is one locally in your mother’s city and maybe contacting them would be helpful.

Put yourself in your mother’s position. She sounds terrified about that fact that she is probably in the waning years of her life and she doesn’t know how to deal with them, so instead she is bitter and angry. Maybe that’s how she has dealt with her whole life. But one thing I know for sure…you can’t change other people only the way you deal with them. With all things, keep praying for your mom!

 

[cleofet]

stbruno:

Perhaps you could contact the dept. of aging for the city and have them check up on her welfare. She might be willing also to let a parish nurse if your parish has one to check up on her regularly or even a minister of care in the parish to help out.

littlebrothers.org/ The Little Brothers of the Poor have an organization that works to aid the elderly and I believe there is one locally in your mother’s city and maybe contacting them would be helpful.

Put yourself in your mother’s position. She sounds terrified about that fact that she is probably in the waning years of her life and she doesn’t know how to deal with them, so instead she is bitter and angry. Maybe that’s how she has dealt with her whole life. But one thing I know for sure…you can’t change other people only the way you deal with them. With all things, keep praying for your mom!

Thanks. I e-mailed the little brothers org. I do appreciate all of the help and encouragement that I have received through this forum. Please keep my mom in your prayers. You are all in mine.