My mother's anxiety over deployed brother

[Princess_Abby]

Any mothers or fathers of young people in the military? Or even wives or husbands of those serving?

My 24-year-old brother, a marine, is deployed to Iraq. Actually, he is still in the US for the next few weeks for additional training, but we will not see him again for another year. My mother is simply beside herself with anxiety and sadness about the “what ifs” surround him being gone.

My mother is the type who, even when I was in college, needed several weekly phone calls just to feel secure in knowing I was safe and happy. The idea of my brother being in a combat situation and dealing with the particular MOS he has is terrifying to her.

Do any of you family members have any advice for me in how to comfort my mother? I don’t like to encourage her “what if” scenarios, and really she is pretty good about it and I don’t end up having to redirect. However I am fully aware of what is going through her mind when she gets a particular look on her face or certain voice tone. She is so consumed and terrified by this situation and my brother is not even in harm’s way yet.

I am about to move back to my hometown, however, and this is exciting to her and somewhat distracting from the danger my brother will soon face. My mother can only talk about when my sisters and I will all be home and/or my brother and when he will be physically in Iraq. She worries excessively, too, about my brother’s 18 month old daughter being without him.

She has a few email addresses of other mothers whose sons and daughters are deployed, but her experience so far has been that other families simply aren’t that worried or concerned. She has trouble finding anyone to relate to the level of fear she is experiencing herself.

I have suggested speaking with someone professional about the fear and anxiety, but her attitude is that talking about it is not going to change the situation. Can any of you share what gave you the most peace when your loved one was deployed?

I spoke with her about communicating with our guardian angels and letting her know that she can send her guardian angel to watch over my brother, which completely intrigued her and gave her something to think about, I think. (My brother wears the medals of St. Michael, St. Thomas Aquinas and a scapular medal, so that gives her some comfort as well.) Does anyone have any concrete suggestions about how to allay her fears or at least help her cope with them better?

I find myself getting very sucked into some of her obsession, and often get off the phone feeling very unsettled. I just want to help her feel at peace but I find myself so close to the situation I can’t look at it very objectively. Given that we are moving back, my husband has expressed some concern about how this situation will continue to play out when we are living so close to her and my father and other sisters.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

 

[BlestOne]

I have a brother that is currently in Kuwait. He has recently been to Afghanistan and Iraq and a while ago was stationed in South Korea. My mom was difficult to deal with especially considering that my brother cannot always contact her because he is deployed for a week or a month here and there. Mom also refuses to get a computer so she can get email from him so all of the brothers and sisters email my brother in the military then have to report back to mom that we have heard from him. If your mom has a computer make sure that she is set up for email so he can write to her. That is the easiest way to communicate with each other. Just know that there will be times that he wouldn’t be able to communicate with you while he is deployed. If he doesn’t have a laptop I would suggest to mom that she get him one. It isn’t easy but you need to let mom know that she raised a good kid and he needs to make decisions for himself and if that means going overseas, she should stop worrying (and driving the rest of you crazy) and respect that this is what he has chosen to do.

 

[kp1]

Princess Abby,

I have a few answers, but first my quals to answer. I am a Navy Wife of nearly 10 years. I have been through several deployments, but my husband was not being shot at. I do understand the anxiety though, and my hubby’s little brother was activily a marine in Somalia (you know, Black Hawk Down) as a recon marine several years ago. So, I hope you feel I am qualified to help!

The first thing you both need to do is “Let God and Let GO!” You both are wasting too much energy worrying about something you can not control. Only God knows what will happen, and you are trying to second guess his plan. I know this seems harsh, but it is true. Yes, you are going to worry, and yes it is awful when they are gone, but someone has to do this. Try focusing more on the honor of your brother serving his country, he is an active part of our history. He will be engaged in fighting for the freedoms we as Americans have taken for granted. He is serving God by protecting and fighting for those who can not protect themselves from the evils of this world.

Ok, I see I might be getting a little of subject by promotting the good of the military, and I am not going to start a thread for people to bash the miliary on why or why not to be over there. Sorry for straying!

As hard as it is, you have to trust God to keep him safe. Extra prayers to St Micheal while he is in battle, send everyone’s guardian angel to watch over him, this will help you to feel better.

One thing you might not have though about, how is this constant worrying going to effect your brother? Do you want him over there focusing on what he needs to do, or stressing about his family back home. You must be strong (I have good and bad days too)! You guys could help him out more by helping his immediate family (wife, daughter, etc.). This would give him great comfort while he is gone. Have your mother make scrap books of things he will be missing while he is gone, so he will have the memories to reflect on when he returns, like those holidays and the babies milstones. Even if your SIL is not close, have her send e-mail pictures for your mom to make the books.

Basically you guys need to refocus your energy somewhere else, because nothing is going to completely wipe out the fears. If I worried every minute of every day, I would go crazy with the what ifs. You have to force yourself to do something else. For most of us Military wives, it means getting into a routine as soon as possible after they leave. Ok right after I finish off that double chocolate batch of brownies to motivate me to workout like a mad woman for the next 6+ months ! It is the only thing that keeps you going through those difficult days. Have your mom start a quilt, or some other hobby she can do with all this extra energy.

But above all else PRAY! and thank your brother for seeing the big picture of the world. Thank him for sacrificing his time and energy to do what so few would do in todays world. Thank him for being your hero. And tell him you love him!