My parents living as brother and sister? I am confused

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Hello, I found this forum while trying to do some research to find some comfort and understanding. My mother recently returned to the Catholic church after many years. I was speaking to her recently about her return and she indicated that after 20 years of celibacy, she was able to return to the Catholic church. From my understanding, the church now views my parents as living as brother and sister. As I stated I am seeing understanding in hopes of being able to find self comfort. I worship as a protestant so I am somewhat naive to Catholicism. Please forgive me. First I assume the wording living as bother and sister, means brother and sister in Christ. Are we not all brothers and sisters in Christ? What actually is the Catholic church stating by saying they are now living as brother and sister due to their 20 years of celibacy? Please do not misunderstand me, I am thrilled my mother has been able to return to the church she loves, and I am considering attending with her as I am currently without a church, however I am struggling with hearing my parents who gave live to me are living as brother and sister. If we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, is their brother and sister relationship different?
Thank you for reading my post.
 
OngoingStudent said:
Hello, I found this forum while trying to do some research to find some comfort and understanding. My mother recently returned to the Catholic church after many years. I was speaking to her recently about her return and she indicated that after 20 years of celibacy, she was able to return to the Catholic church. From my understanding, the church now views my parents as living as brother and sister. As I stated I am seeing understanding in hopes of being able to find self comfort. I worship as a protestant so I am somewhat naive to Catholicism. Please forgive me. First I assume the wording living as bother and sister, means brother and sister in Christ. Are we not all brothers and sisters in Christ? What actually is the Catholic church stating by saying they are now living as brother and sister due to their 20 years of celibacy? Please do not misunderstand me, I am thrilled my mother has been able to return to the church she loves, and I am considering attending with her as I am currently without a church, however I am struggling with hearing my parents who gave live to me are living as brother and sister. If we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, is their brother and sister relationship different?
Thank you for reading my post.
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Usually, when you hear that a man and woman are living as brother and sister here, it means that they are abstaining from martial relations. If either or both have been in previous marriages and those marriages ended in civil divorce without the parties being granted an annulment then in the eyes of the Church, the prior marriage is assumed to still be valid and therefore those people involved in such a situation would not be free to marry. What I am confused about is your mother’s apparent belief that one must live 20 years as brother and sister in order to come back to the Church. That is simply not the case. I would ask your mother to speak with a Catholic priest about the entire situation.
 
Thank you for your information!
My father was married previously so yes that is why for many years my mother was unable to be a member of the Catholic church, she was not able to take communion or partake in confession. From what she tells me now that they are living as brother and sister she was able to return to the church.
I am still confused. If it was not the 20 years of celibacy that allows her to return to the church, what would the reason be?
I am very much struggling with the idea of the two people that were so much in love and gave me life are now viewed as brother and sister. Again if this is brother and sister in the eyes of Christ, were they not that always? Please do not misunderstand, I do not mean to sound confrontational, this has me quite upset and I am looking for some understanding.

Thank you
 
Without knowing the specifics of the situation, I assume that what was keeping your mom out of Communion with the Church was that her marriage was illicit. (Either she or your dad was still married in the eyes of the Church when they were married.) Another possibility is that your parents married outside of the Church and your dad will not participate in having their marriage convalidated or something like that. If your mother hasn’t explain why she couldn’t be in communion with the Church before, it might be because it is something of a really personal nature. “Living as brother and sister” is a prettier way of saying that they are abstaining from sex as their marriage is not valid but they continue to remain legally married, probably for the sake of their family and household. Your mom has probably been counselled by a priest that this situation is acceptable to the Church, based on the circumstances.
 
Maybe I am making a big deal out of my parents living as brother and sister? Maybe it is the terminology “brother and sister?” I really would like to understand this more so I can come to some peace.
 
OngoingStudent said:
Thank you for your information!
My father was married previously so yes that is why for many years my mother was unable to be a member of the Catholic church, she was not able to take communion or partake in confession. From what she tells me now that they are living as brother and sister she was able to return to the church.
I am still confused. If it was not the 20 years of celibacy that allows her to return to the church, what would the reason be?
I am very much struggling with the idea of the two people that were so much in love and gave me life are now viewed as brother and sister. Again if this is brother and sister in the eyes of Christ, were they not that always? Please do not misunderstand, I do not mean to sound confrontational, this has me quite upset and I am looking for some understanding.

Thank you
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If they have been celibate for 20 years, I’m not sure why she wasn’t able to return to the Church before. Perhaps she didn’t know that she could be absolved of the invalid marriage based on that circumstance? Perhaps a priest she spoke to felt he could not absolve her because they were still enjoying other benefits of marriage, or that their continued co-habitation provided a scandal? That would be my best guess. However, I think her current priest is right in acccepting the celibacy as penance because a complete seperation would probably cause more spiritual harm to the family.
 
I, too, am confused by the twenty year celibacy thing. There is no statute of limitations on sin. However, fixing the problem is quite simple. Catholics are only one confession away from being brought back into the Church.

We were living outside of the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony when Our Blessed Mother brought me back to the Church. After receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation, in order to receive the Holy Eucharist, we needed to “live as brother and sister” (no conjugal “relations”) until my wife’s Decree of Nullity from her first husband was made final by the Marriage Tribunal and we were able to have our previous Lutheran wedding ceremony convalidated.

I agree with the other posts – have her speak to a competent ecclesial authority.
 
Allegra said:
Without knowing the specifics of the situation, I assume that what was keeping your mom out of Communion with the Church was that her marriage was illicit. (Either she or your dad was still married in the eyes of the Church when they were married.) Another possibility is that your parents married outside of the Church and your dad will not participate in having their marriage convalidated or something like that. If your mother hasn’t explain why she couldn’t be in communion with the Church before, it might be because it is something of a really personal nature. “Living as brother and sister” is a prettier way of saying that they are abstaining from sex as their marriage is not valid but they continue to remain legally married, probably for the sake of their family and household. Your mom has probably been counselled by a priest that this situation is acceptable to the Church, based on the circumstances.
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So, I should try to overlook the term “brother and sister?” I will try, it is just hard as it is this marriage that gave me life. I am thrilled for my mother and would like to attend mass with her. I know I will not be able to take communion 😦 I just want to feel peace about the situation.
 
What Allegra said.
It sounds like there may be a delicate family situation here.
 
OngoingStudent said:
Maybe I am making a big deal out of my parents living as brother and sister? Maybe it is the terminology “brother and sister?” I really would like to understand this more so I can come to some peace.
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No, I think it is a big deal and I can understand your upset. What it means is that your mom has acknowleged that her marriage isn’t valid in the eyes of the Church and that it was wrong of her to marry someone who was still married to someone else. This is a very difficult position to be in, because she loves your dad and your family but she is remorseful because she was disobedient to God in the way she went about getting married. The “living as brother and sister” deal is generally the best solution for resolving the sin without causing further harm to the family. Sadlly, alot of families are in this position. “Living as brother and sister” doesn’t mean “brother and sister in Christ”. All Baptised Christians are brothers and sisters in Christ, whether they are married or complete strangers.
 
Allegra said:
No, I think it is a big deal and I can understand your upset. What it means is that your mom has acknowleged that her marriage isn’t valid in the eyes of the Church and that it was wrong of her to marry someone who was still married to someone else. This is a very difficult position to be in, because she loves your dad and your family but she is remorseful because she was disobedient to God in the way she went about getting married. The “living as brother and sister” deal is generally the best solution for resolving the sin without causing further harm to the family. Sadlly, alot of families are in this position. “Living as brother and sister” doesn’t mean “brother and sister in Christ”. All Baptised Christians are brothers and sisters in Christ, whether they are married or complete strangers.
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It is a very hard situation. I will be honest, I am in tears right now about this. I almost feel like this marriage they have/had that gave me life no longer existed. I just told my husband them divorcing would have been easier for me to deal with then this.
I am truly feeling lost at this time.
 
FLGreg said:
I, too, am confused by the twenty year celibacy thing. There is no statute of limitations on sin. However, fixing the problem is quite simple. Catholics are only one confession away from being brought back into the Church.

We were living outside of the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony when Our Blessed Mother brought me back to the Church. After receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation, in order to receive the Holy Eucharist, we needed to “live as brother and sister” (no conjugal “relations”) until my wife’s Decree of Nullity from her first husband was made final by the Marriage Tribunal and we were able to have our previous Lutheran wedding ceremony convalidated.

I agree with the other posts – have her speak to a competent ecclesial authority.
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Sadly, not all Catholics are in a simple a situation. If the OP’s father refuses to participate in seeking an annulment or having his second marriage convalidated, she is stuck. My mother tried to keep my dad from seeking an annullment after they were divorced because she had been convinced by her sister that participating in the process was like stating that her children were bastards. In my dad’s case, he was able to seek the annullment without her. However, there is nothing the OP’s mother can do unless her husband is willing to participate. Hopefully he is. That may be the reason for the change that the OP is witnessing. I feel really sad for Catholics in this situation, and there are alot of them out there.
 
OngoingStudent said:
Maybe I am making a big deal out of my parents living as brother and sister? Maybe it is the terminology “brother and sister?” I really would like to understand this more so I can come to some peace.
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I think it is just fine if you ask your mom about this. I think she would welcome it. Just my 2c.
 
OngoingStudent said:
It is a very hard situation. I will be honest, I am in tears right now about this. I almost feel like this marriage they have/had that gave me life no longer existed. I just told my husband them divorcing would have been easier for me to deal with then this.
I am truly feeling lost at this time.
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I can imagine your sadness. However, I can assure your that a divorce would be worse because, as it is, your parents still love each other and you are still a family. My parents were divorced when I was 6 and I still feel frequent pain over it, even though I love my extended family. I know that my parents were never really married in the eyes of God, but I still grieve for the family unit I knew. You are lucky becaue you still have that and hopefully always will! Perhaps your dad will be able to get his first marriage annulled and their marriage will be convalidated by the Church!
 
Thank you all! I am still very sad about this, but I feel some what better by having some more of an understanding. Now to decide if I shall attend mass with my mother.
Thank you all again so very much!
 
🙂 my name is maryhope; I was blessed married with a very good men, who commit the mistake to married by the church very young, and his wife cheat on him. They were married only eight months. My husband was 10 years older than me. When I met him, my heart knew this men was for me as a gift from God. I went to my priest explain the situation and he said I will be doing a mistake. I said father, I will be attending to church, I know that we won’t be able to take the Body and Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. Twenty seven years we were married, many times we were living in abstinence, on those times I spoke to Jesuit priests, and other priest, and I was able to confess my sins. To tell you the story short. In one year the annulment of his previous marriege was aproved and We married in our church Mother of Christ January 25, 1995, the convertion of St. Paul. After that you could imagine the celebratiion in our hearts to partake in the Body of Christ, the example that my children received, The love we have for each other and the Blessing of our Lord Jesus Christ. My husbnd passed away from Lou Gering deseased January 9, 2010. We wer married 41 years, a very holy man, a gift for me that was worth to fight for, we continue living in sanctity many years more. Now as a widow, I consacrate myself to Jesus Christ, to live in chastity, poverty, in prayer for everyone, to help my children and my gandchildren, my neighbord, and to do all the good deeds necesary for social justice, and explain to many catholics that have been taking the Body of Christ all their married lifes, and attending to church and being on good standard of the church, but are racists, that Racism is a mortal Sin. God works in misterious way, is not for me to question, is for me to submit to his will, and my husband was a very pious men, a good hearted men, for him all people were good even if they commited evil acts, and he believed that the Mercy of God is more higher than all the Sins of the universe, that anyone, if repented, will have redention. Take me for naive, but he had a holy death, the priest anointed him with the hoy sacraments, took the body of Christ, accepted his death and resurrection. Took only three days, was in and out of coma, I was at his side until the end. At the time when his angel came to take him, he remove his oxigen mask, and talk to his children, smile and said Home, Home,then lay down in the bed closed his eyes and mouth and expired. For me that was a holy death. God bless you all, and remember the scriptures of the Apostle Paul that said 'if you are married with a non beliver, but that person loves you and want to stay in the marriege, keep praying that the conversion of the heart will follow" Amen
 
OngoingStudent said:
It is a very hard situation. I will be honest, I am in tears right now about this. I almost feel like this marriage they have/had that gave me life no longer existed. I just told my husband them divorcing would have been easier for me to deal with then this.
I am truly feeling lost at this time.
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I am so sorry you are in so much pain. They are married civilly, they just aren’t married in the eyes of the Church. Their marriage status with the Church does not make you illegitimate.

I will be praying for you and your family. Please go to Mass with your Mom. The more you learn about the Catholic faith the better you’ll understand their situation.
 
maltmom said:
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. They are married civilly, they just aren’t married in the eyes of the Church. Their marriage status with the Church does not make you illegitimate.

I will be praying for you and your family. Please go to Mass with your Mom. The more you learn about the Catholic faith the better you’ll understand their situation.
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Thank you! I have been feeling better about this after reading your post and all the others my post received. Thank you for your prayers also!
 
I will pray for God’s will in your parent’s situation that one day they may have their marriage convalidated and experience the fullness of the Sacrament.
 
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