My parents want to be closer to my wife, she thinks that's wierd

[Kal2012]

We’d like to visit my folks for the holidays but put their minds at ease so they don’t have this lingering doubt over whether my wife actually likes them while we visit; at the same time, my wife doesn’t want to pick up the phone and call them out of nowhere. I honestly think my mother would find it weird and the conversation would leave both feeling uncomfortable. So where do we begin?

I know that my dad looks at the relationships that other folks have w/their kid’s spouses and families and is jealous that he doesn’t have that w/my husband or his family.

I also know that a lot of women who have only sons relish the idea of having a DIL because they’ll finally have someone in the family who’s like them - female and likes to do and talk about female things.

Also, I know that people who have strained relationships w/their own families have a hard time reaching out and getting close to other people - even if they like them.

I still give the obligatory, “Hi, just checking it to see if you are okay” phone call every few months to my dad, even though I know his life doesn’t change that much (and hasn’t for the past 20 years).

It might mean more to your parents than it does to her to do it, but if that’s the type of love they need to feel confident in their relationship with her, then just call and chat for 5 minutes about stupid things. Especially if it would make them happy.

I highly recommend “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. There are so many great stories in there about how people make simple changes to their behavior and their relationships with another person just blossoms.

I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but sometimes Person A is doing something they think is nice and wonderful, but Person B doesn’t see that it’s nice and good because they have different love languages. That’s not how Person B needs to be shown affection.

Personally, I love the story about the guy who always gave his wife the end of the bread loaf. Then one day, she got ticked because she hated that part of the bread and told him off. He was surprised that she was angry because it was his favorite part of the bread loaf and thought she liked it as much as he did. And it was a huge deal for him to give her the best part of the bread! After they talked about it, he never gave her that part of the bread loaf again. They were both happy after that.

Just something to think about. Take care. Good luck!

 

[losh14]

I appreciate all the advice and thoughts. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned that “normal” includes a wide range of relationships, and I’m encouraged to see that echoed here.

I think the issue is primarily expectations, but also a difference in communication styles (not unlike the Love Languages). It’s a good suggestion to reflect back their expectations they have for my wife - if they want her to call, they can call her. Maybe more frequent visits would help, too. The kids do help to take away some of the tension - it’s hard to play with toddlers and be angry, and they provide a convenient conduit for conversation.

I talked with my wife about some of the differences my parents noted, and she brought up a few things that she’d not brought up before, probably because she assumed everything was going well, but what she sees is instructive. She noted the difference her family has from my family in terms of gifts. They’re very important to my family, I’d even say that giving a gift is a sign of love and not giving a gift - even a small one - is a sign that not all is well. In her family, gifts are much less important. While her parents would give her one or two gifts at Christmas, my parents would lavish multiple gifts on each of us. For her parents to say “don’t get us anything for Christmas” is meant literally, and giving more than a token gift could embarrass them. Until our recent fight I’d not realized how important the gifts were to my parents. I’ll borrow the expression “gunny sacking” because while they recently complained that we’d not given them gifts on Mother’s and Father’s Day, they’d previously told me not to worry about it. Maybe they assumed I’d give one if I could afford it but that we were having money troubles. Instead, I’d simply borrowed my wife’s habit of not giving Mother’s and Father’s Day gifts. My wife and I talked about the difference in treatment and agree that because each set has different expectations, it’s okay for us to spend more on my parents than on hers for gifts, though gift-giving for my folks is my responsibility.

Some of you might be able to empathize with this, the energy level between our families is very different, and it plays out in our marriage, too. I’m the energetic extrovert who always has a hobbies and projects going. My wife, the quieter introvert, finds me exhausting. My wife and I find peace with the difference by taking time to ourselves when we need it and making space for each other’s energy levels. I think that, perhaps because we’re able to make our personality differences work, I hadn’t thought that my parents would perceive a problem.

Likewise, my parents thought her parents were so quiet when they first met that my parents thought they’d said something to offend my in-laws. No, they’re just that quiet, and when we see my wife’s parents we often pleasantly sit and watch TV while making small talk. I’m still greeted warmly all the same. Visiting my parents means hours of conversation ranging on every topic - and while my wife can have a three-minute phone call with her mom, if I call my stepfather we talk for an hour. My parents used to think my wife so quiet that they wondered what I saw in her, but after they learned that she doesn’t like to talk about politics (a perennial favorite in my parents’ home), and that she is often more content to listen than to participate in general, they stopped asking me if they’d said something to offend her, too.

My wife, who I daily see as more and more wise, suggested that she send the email with photos of the kids and an update on how we’re doing, instead of me. She’d do it more often, too, I think.

Someone noted that my parents might not think my wife does much while she’s at home. I don’t know if that’s true, but I could see that as a possibility. I think my generation is more willing than my parents’ to sacrifice an income for the purpose of having a stay-at-home-parent, so it may be that my parents don’t appreciate how important it is to us. Hopefully if it comes up it’ll be asked charitably.

 

[Xantippe]

Those are some pretty big cultural differences.

If your wife doesn’t mind doing emails and sending pictures, that’s a good role for her. I don’t like the idea of you guys being extorted into a particular kind of relationship with them, though.

losh14 said:

“Someone noted that my parents might not think my wife does much while she’s at home. I don’t know if that’s true, but I could see that as a possibility. I think my generation is more willing than my parents’ to sacrifice an income for the purpose of having a stay-at-home-parent, so it may be that my parents don’t appreciate how important it is to us.”

I was thinking more in terms of empty nester vs. full nester and that your parents (who presumably have lots of leisure right now) may be forgetting exactly how busy a young family is and how little time and leisure (not to mention money) your wife has for enriching Hallmark and UPS. The financial side of all these expected little gifts would certainly make me squeak, even in good times.

I suppose your wife and mom could make some sort of phone date for a mutually convenient time (if your wife was OK with that), with it explained in advance that your wife can devote at most 15-20 minutes to the call.

I get the feeling from your description that whatever your wife gives is going to be seen as not quite enough.