My Sister is living with an emotionally abusive guy and doesnt see the issue

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ellam25

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Hi everyone,
My 22 year old sister is living with a guy (and dating obviously) who is unsupportive of her and emotionally abusive. They have been dating for two years now. The first clue I got that there was an issue was he refused to meet or have anything to do with us, her family and when she came over she would only stay for a few mins before saying she has to go because he was home. My dad has still not met him because the bf refuses to. Ny dad is Catholic and the man she is with is athiest and he told her he doesnt want to meet our dad because "hes afraid hell punch [my dad] in the face if he starts talking about the bible or the church. Once when my sister was at work, he packed all her stuff threw it on the curb and said he didnt live her anymore. She became suicidal for two weeks until he so graciously took her back. She tab straight back into his arms. I dont know what to do I have told her that there is nothing healthy about her relationship and she tels me to mind my own business though she never tells me im wrong. I think she knows its not completely right what hes doing. I barely see her anymore because he makes her choose between us and him. Now she wants him to ask her to marry her, but he told her hes not ready to be “tied down”. Ugh I am so frustrated I wish she would see how wrong this all is!
 
That is very frustrating.

My sister too has a habit of dating very…unsuitable young men, to put it nicely. It is very trying to watch her continue to do that. I know that I have to tread very carefully when offering her any kind of relationship advice because she is likely to blow me off.

If I were you, I would just remind her every now and then that you are there for her and love her and support her. She has to choose to accept that, but at least you know you will have made yourself clearly available.
 
pensmama87 said:
That is very frustrating.

My sister too has a habit of dating very…unsuitable young men, to put it nicely. It is very trying to watch her continue to do that. I know that I have to tread very carefully when offering her any kind of relationship advice because she is likely to blow me off.

If I were you, I would just remind her every now and then that you are there for her and love her and support her. She has to choose to accept that, but at least you know you will have made yourself clearly available.
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I agree.

Unfortunately, there’s not a lot you can do. You’ve told her how you feel about the relationship, and all that’s left is to continue telling her (and showing her) you love her and will always be there for her.

Lou
 
Women must first value themselves,in time with maturity she will realise she is worth so much more.
 
Does your sister believe in her faith? If yes, then remind her what a loving relationship is about and that being with someone solely because of their chemistry is wrong.

Actually, ask if she would love to go on a trip with you and make sure that it is long enough to get her to detach her feelings from him. Convince her to go somewhere just the girls, maybe you can give an excuse that will sound plausible to him and her.

In the end she must decide and all you could do is tell her the truth but that you will always be there for her. I would try talking to him on a friendly level. Don’t go at it like your angry but be accepting of him. Show him kindness. Mostly, I would pray and keep sure to communicate with her.
 
I am sorry that you have to go through this with your sister. It is tough when anyone is so blinded by “love” for their boyfriend or girlfriend that they can’t see the truth…

I wish that your father would not wait for your sister’s boyfriend to allow them to meet on his terms. If it were my daughter, I would “just happened to be in the area and stopped by for coffee.” Too bad on the boyfriend if he is there when your dad come to see his daughter. He needs to see he is not the boss.

He is doing what abusers do. He is separating and isolating your sister so he can control her and he can lower her self esteem so she won’t leave him because she will think she doesn’t deserve better.

Please, have your parents suggest she move home and get some counseling on why she puts up with abuse and is not strong enough to stand up for herself.

Pray as a family for your sister. Maybe a family novena.
May God bless you and your sister.
 
I’m sorry. All you can do is tell her the truth, but sometimes we don’t accept the truth until it comes from an unbiased sources. Maybe send her some internet articles about abuse, send her this thread, anything to show her that normal people as well as professionals would see that she is in a dangerous relationship–it’s not just her overprotective-sister-that-doesn’t-understand.

And the guy is definitely violent if he’s talking about not being able to control himself and punching your dad in the face.
 
I think I would say, “You’re a grown-up, you can make your own decisions, but remember there are places for women to get help without their family knowing about it. I hope I’m wrong about John, but the red flags do concern me. If you ever want help, get it. Come to me, I’ll help, no questions asked and no ‘I told you so’. Or go to some stranger and keep it a secret from me–fine, as long as you get help. I want you to know that I will support whatever you do to take the best care of you. This isn’t all about John, either, after all. John might be fine–I barely ever see him, how would I know? Sometimes smoke alarms go off and there is no fire. This is about you and making sure that you will always get help if you need it. And hey, sis, this is about making sure that the man you love feels like a part of our family. We can’t do that if we can’t ever spend any time with him…”

What you don’t want to do is to give her any reason to rationalize she has you or what you might say or do to fear instead of this guy.

You also do not want to give him ammunition–you know, “Your family has always hated me.” So don’t criticize him for not meeting with your family, but rather keep welcoming him. “He doesn’t need to be shy–we don’t bite” and “He has nothing to fear from us, and the BBQ is awesome. Didn’t all of our boyfriends always fear meeting Dad? Dad is a pussycat. Convince him to come and join us.” If he misbehaves, always aim complaints towards behaviors, and not at him as a person.
 
Well that is good that he won’t marry her, one less complication for when she hopefully does realize that the relationship is wrong. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do, she is a grown woman and she thinks she is in love with him. Her self worth is not very high at the moment. I ran into the same situation with my niece who came to live with me, she is still in that relationship but I think she is finally waking up as everyone around her is bettering themselves, having fun, and own their own places. While she and her BF live in the attic apartment of a friends house, while he clams he works up to a 100 hrs a week (which is not true, because I have to drive by their place in town often and his truck is always there all times of the day and night).

For my part, I just sent her texts and FB messages telling her that I missed her and asking her to get together, never bashing the BF or her situation. Finally after a year she answered one agreed to lunch on the quiet. It was rather sad, she just went on and on about how he doesn’t do this and that. I told her that she can’t change him no matter how much she loves him, and it is up to him, and that the only thing she can change is herself. So now she is studying to become a Vet Tech. And we do get together about once a month on the quiet. I figure sooner or later she will wake up and leave on her own.

So I would say, stop bashing the BF, be there for your sister, and when she says something like he would of bashed Dad in the face, I would of said is that the kind of man you want to be with one who doesn’t respect another human being especially and Elder? And in the mean time I will pray that she does wake up and move on.
 
why do you think she finds him attractive?

I know that it is frustrating…I cannot help but be frightened for her as well.
 
I haven’t read the whole thread. If she wants to marry in the Church, she must know that she will have to swear in the name of God (if I remember well) to raise her kids Catholic. Careful too if he ends up punching her face for trying to teach her future children about God.

Based on what you have written, the boy seems very immature, and she sounds obsessed with him. He seems he is a violent person if he would punch someone just because of talking about God. This is a major red flag. I doubt he is only an emotional abuser. It seems to me that there are signs that he may be a physical abuser.

And why are they cohabiting? Isn’t she Catholic? Does she have friends or does her world revolves around this guy only?
 
E_7 said:
I haven’t read the whole thread. If she wants to marry in the Church, she must know that she will have to swear in the name of God (if I remember well) to raise her kids Catholic. Careful too if he ends up punching her face for trying to teach her future children about God.

Based on what you have written, the boy seems very immature, and she sounds obsessed with him. He seems he is a violent person if he would punch someone just because of talking about God. This is a major red flag. I doubt he is only an emotional abuser. It seems to me that there are signs that he may be a physical abuser.

And why are they cohabiting? Isn’t she Catholic? Does she have friends or does her world revolves around this guy only?
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She’s not a practicing Catholic 😦 She hasnt been for some time and always fouoght my dad tooth and nail when she was a teenager about church. I am the only catholic in my family left, besides my dad. But you’re probably right, and I do worry about him being physically abusive, but she has never said anything ad she has never walked in with a black eye or anything so I have tried not to jump to conclusions.
 
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