My sister is 'praying for' me

[Poet]

First–I come from a family that is classic alcoholic family. It’s like they watched us as they wrote the book on the roles of the children in alcoholic families. I am the scapegoat. No matter what anyone does, their actions are blamed on me. I walked away from it some time ago–largely on advice from this forum where many people told me I CANNOT change these dynamics, there is no dealing with it.

I’ve just received a card from my sister, after many years of silence, telling me she’s praying for me. This to me, is the equivalent of setting my neighbor’s bush on fire, smashing her windows, and leaving dead rats on her doorstep, and then sanctimoniously telling her I’m praying for her. Wow, so she’s praying for the person she actively rails against, attacks, and hurts? Seems a little hypocritical, at best.

I want to give my sister the benefit of the doubt. Is she finally tired of the separation? Finally ready to have a real conversation and maybe even apologize for her behavior these many years? Sadly, I don’t believe that for a minute.

But I’m once again wondering, do I continue my pattern of not responding to such things from family members (because I’ve learned from experience that they invariably end up as them explaining what a loser I am but they welcome me back anyway if I’d just quit ‘holding grudges’ or some such variation.) Or do I once again actually try to have a conversation, expecting to finally be treated with the respect I myself try to give to everyone else?

Or just tell her straight up, your prayers are a joke when you yourself have done X, Y, and Z, over and over, actively hurting me. Look at yourself before praying for me?

 

[Lou2U]

Don’t reply, you’ll simply get sucked back into all the drama.

Throw the card away, if it makes you too angry to keep it. Just disengage. She’s trying to get to you because she knows what works. Don’t give her the satisfaction.

 

[Jen7]

 

[Retsel]

My paternal family was destroyed by greed, money and jealousy. I spent a good part of my life trying to understand, and do what Jesus would have done. (Very hard)

They rejected and mocked me.

One day, after years of agonizing I finally came to the conclusion they were adults now and have the right to make their own choices.

I went on and lived my life as best I could.
My door is always open and I hold no grudges. Today is a new day and I treat as such.

Poet, try and do the same. She may very well be praying for you, thank her!
If it’s just some twisted joke, your Jesus approach may possibly help her.

Doing as Jesus would does not make you a doormat.

Forgive and live today the right way.

 

[1ke]

Nope… Toss it in the trash and don’t look back.

If your sister wanted to apologize, or move your relationship in a different direction, then she would have said that in the card. But, she did not.

 

[Inquiry]

Forgiveness does not mean interaction. I have someone in my life that I do not talk to. Full stop.
Initially this was out of anger and pain, but as I slowly worked through that I realized that distance also kept them from doing more damage. Ending that distance was not loving to myself and equally importantly it was not loving to them. Changing why I was silent mattered, stopping my silence did not.

So I recommend that you prayerfully ask: is responding to her a loving thing to do for her? The answer may be yes. The answer may be no. Work from there.

 

[Gab123]

The real issue is one of forgiveness. It sounds like there is much resentment if not hatred for your sister. Resentment is a sign that there is unforgiveness in the heart. No one can be saved with unforgiveness in one’s heart. No matter what they have done to you, don’t let other’s actions drag you down into the abyss, where unforgiveness always leads.

When we pray the prayer Jesus taught us to pray, we clearly and explicitly say: “forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us”.

“I once picked up a woman from a garbage dump and she was burning with fever; she was in her last days and her only lament was: ‘My son did this to me.’ I begged her: ‘You must forgive your son. In a moment of madness, when he was not himself, he did a thing he regrets. Be a mother to him, forgive him.’ It took me a long time to make her say: ‘I forgive my son.’ Just before she died in my arms, she was able to say that with a real forgiveness. She was not concerned that she was dying. The breaking of the heart was that her son did not want her. This is something you and I can understand. “ ~Mother Teresa

 

[TheLittleLady]

I would not see prayer as a weapon. Pray more, work on forgiving your sister.

Meditate on 1 Corinthians chapter 13.

You can send a return note that says “Thank you for your prayers. I am also praying for you.” and leave it at that. You do not have to run out and have dinner together or knit her a sweater. Simply accept the gift of prayer.

Forgiveness does not mean that you just fling open the doors, but, you stop poisoning your own soul.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

I’ve just received a card from my sister, after many years of silence, telling me she’s praying for me.

Who doesn’t need prayers?

Don’t read into it, just accept it graciously.

And no, she doesn’t “have one” over on you.

 

[Legend]

One of the first threads I read here was started by a very young, but wise, lady, who was having trouble forgiving a relative who had abused her as a child. She shared,and worked thru her problem, right here in these forums. One of the important things was understanding just what forgiveness is, and isn’t.

Forgiveness is not forgetting, or even pretending to. A person can forgive, and still not want to have a relationship with the person who wronged them. It isn’t even reconciliation…you don’t have to invite the person to your home, to ‘prove’ your forgiveness.

So, then what is forgiveness? It’s many things. And you can’t do it alone…you must pray, and ask God for help! Forgiveness begins with stopping, gradually, in most cases, thinking of the other person, letting them get you angry, or wishing them harm. One poster said she knew she has forgiven her abusive stepfather when her half-brother, said stepfather’s son, asked her to pray with him for his father, who was both very ill at the time, and not in communion with the church. She was able to pray for this man, body and soul. She had truly forgiven him!

As to the immediate situation? You didn’t say whether your sister expects anything of you. If she doesn’t, fine. She may, or may not be sincere. If she has no urgent problems, you can safely answer, or ignore the letter. If she’s trying to pull you back into the situation, ignore her. As I said before, forgiveness isn’t forgetting, reconciling, or pretending anything. As I see it, forgiveness is much more for the one doing the forgiving…it takes away the time you dwell on these people, giving you more time for God, for those you truly love and want to help, and for yourself.

The first step is letting go of the situation, not letting those who hurt you have power over you, and transferring that power to yourself!

Above all, forgiveness is done in partnership with God. The more you pray, and ler him lead, the faster will be the process that leads to true forgiveness.

 

[Poet]

I went on and lived my life as best I could.
My door is always open and I hold no grudges. Today is a new day and I treat as such.

Poet, try and do the same. She may very well be praying for you, thank her!
If it’s just some twisted joke, your Jesus approach may possibly help her.

Thank you, Retsel, I have actually have no doubt she’s praying for me. It’s part of the joke of a dysfunctional family. She genuinely believes the family narrative that I’m the family screw up who’s causing all this trouble. Hence, the need to pray for me. And she genuinely is incapable of seeing these dynamics and how I was finally left with no choice but to walk away. (Or keep being the punching bag.)

I have been doing exactly that (moving on and living my life as best I can) for years. The door has always been open and many times, I have gone out to my yard when she’s dropped my kids off, and she’s made a point of giving me a cold shoulder.

Maybe it helps to clarify it: I think the reason I don’t see this as her wanting to come through that open door is because that she’s ‘praying for me’ suggests to me that she continues to see me as needing to get over a grudge instead of understanding that there was ongoing behavior (still is) that NEEDS to change in order for us to have any real sort of relationship, other than me being the family doormat again.

I have forgiven over and over again. But every time something like this happens, it’s like stabbing the knife right back in the healing wound, because I KNOW that once again, either I respond and get sucked in and am once again the bad sister/daughter for stating the truth (no matter how kindly) OR I’m the bad sister/daughter for ignoring their (in their minds) generosity and open arms.

If it were just them, I wouldn’t care at all. Again, writing it helps. It’s that they’re doing their best to pass this attitude on to my children and to some extent, have succeeded.

So yes, I believe in forgiveness, I pray for complete forgiveness, I pray for them all the time, but I’m also forced routinely to go through the process all over again.

 

[Norseman82]

As someone who also grew up in a home with an alcoholic, I will just recall to you the basic instruction that referees give participants in MMA matches: “protect yourself at all times”. If that means calling them out on any lies, be prepared to do so.

Or just tell her straight up, your prayers are a joke when you yourself have done X, Y, and Z, over and over, actively hurting me. Look at yourself before praying for me?

If it comes to that, you may have to tell her that. Too much of the stuff that goes on is that people do incredible things to harm others and then after it’s all over, things resume as if nothing happened, and we think if we bring it up, it will be our fault if we set them off again, and we’re bad Christians for being unforgiving, so we play along.

Until the next time it happens.

It becomes a pattern. Lather, rinse, repeat.

What you want is an end to the torture you have been through.

Please remember that the Church requires a firm purpose of amendment on our part for our sins to be forgiven, so I see nothing wrong with requiring the same from your sister. After all, in the Gospels, the Pharisees were told “Give me some evidence you mean to reform”.

I don’t know how old you are or how this may have affected your work or relationships (or marriage, if you are married), but have you looked into any of the resources from Adult Children of Alcoholics?

 

[poche]

Please ask your sister to pray for me.

 

[DanielMahoney]

It sounds like you may still have some work to do yourself if you remain untrustful “after many years of silence” from your sister. Many years is a long time and, without getting to deeply interested in many comments below that seem to affirm what you want (which is to ignore her, which is not necessarily what God wants), it seems to me that avoidance is easier for you and you want this community affirm your avoidance.

Matthew 18:21 should be your guide. As a sinner, I understand that I sin when I do what I want and not what God wants. And God wants us all to bear our cross with dignity and love.

Hope my little post helps…

 

[Poet]

It sounds like you may still have some work to do yourself if you remain untrustful “after many years of silence” from your sister.

Is there a reason you know of that I should ‘trust’ her?

What work do you suggest I do on myself in order that I come to ‘trust’ someone who has never given me any reason to believe she has changed?

 

[Inquiry]

It is also wrong to tempt people to sin more. If someone is an alcoholic, you do not go drinking with them. If someone is an abuser, you do not give them opportunities to abuse you. You can forgive someone and still never speak to them again.

To relate this to the parable you quoted, the wicked servant was punished for not forgiving debts as his were forgiven. There is no indication that if he had forgiven the debt and then never loaned the man any more money that the Master would have been upset.

 

[DanielMahoney]

Poet - let me first say that it is your post that drove me to subscribe to this forum. And when I subscribed, I was surprised that it asked my denomination as I thought it was a site for practicing Catholics. Which I am.

The tone of your post is what drove me to reply, because it seemed to me that you were having trouble with your faith and the ability to put it properly in action in this instance. I say this with the full understanding that I too have trouble with faith at times, as we all do. There are many great comments to your post that seek to lift you up, and that is what mine seeks to do as well. But in the end it is the Holy Spirit, who resides in you, who will reveal to you the correct path if you listen carefully: maybe, and I say maybe, you just need to listen more closely and seek help on this issue from a professional - and by that I mean a priest.

And I do not know that you can trust her, my comment was that you obviously felt you couldn’t. But, that is how you feel, and not necessarily the truth.

I also find it interesting that you focus on the wicked servant as opposed to the law of Christ when it comes to forgiveness. The law of forgiveness is clear notwithstanding the actions of the wicked servant, and you need to decide who you really are in the context of that parable.

Again, I do not say reach out to your sister. I do not have the answer to that - only you do. I am just surprised that Catholics on this site would be so dismissive of her comments that she is praying for you when in fact she may be. The miracle of Saul becoming Paul springs to mind.

You can always put boundaries on reaching out to her - no drinking if the two of you are to meet for example - but ultimately the ball is in your court. She may be making an honest attempt, and your response if you decide to respond will take a lot of courage regardless of what you decide. But if your life truly belongs to God, then you must do his will and not your own.

I will pray for you today at Mass. I hope you know this entire post is intended with love.

 

[IdaCatholic]

Be glad she is at least praying.

And dont give it another thought.

 

[Poet]

I also find it interesting that you focus on the wicked servant as opposed to the law of Christ when it comes to forgiveness. The law of forgiveness is clear notwithstanding the actions of the wicked servant, and you need to decide who you really are in the context of that parable.

It was someone else who responded to your comments about that parable. I don’t think I’ve said anything about the wicked servant.

I’m also not sure I’ve talked about forgiveness. I expressed my frustration at the question of how or if to respond, having a lifetime of examples to tell me that if I do respond, my words will be used against me and if I don’t respond, my silence will be used against me.

I have forgiven family members time and again and every time I’ve returned, I’ve found the same behavior comes right back. I have tried multiple times since my sister’s meltdown to open a door and ever time, I’m greeted with a cold shoulder, snubbing, and worse.

I’m sure she’s praying for me. The question is how do I respond to someone who tells me she’s praying for me as she digs the knife into my back? Is this sincere prayer? Is there a productive way to suggest that perhaps not knifing me in the back might be a necessary precursor to praying for me?

Are you suggesting that I am Saul in need of conversion or are you suggesting that she is Saul in need of conversion?

I understand that you can only know what I’ve posted here, but I have made many previous attempts to reach out to her, despite her attacks, and they have been greeted with snubs and cold shoulders and even using one of my children’s major life events to try to draw my closest friends into the family drama and get them to turn against me. It does make me question the sincerity and intent of her ‘prayers’ for me.

The real question was do I respond or not. At this point, I doubt it. Anything I say will be used against me and returning to family events will be returning to agreeing to be the family scapegoat, constantly blamed for everyone else’s behavior, constantly humiliated and attacked and blamed. I can forgive and love without agreeing to play that role for them.

 

[DanielMahoney]

Poet - I see that I was mistaken in conflating the “inquiry” as coming from you which was focused on the parable of the wicked servant, so all apologies.

It sounds like you are a bit more at peace with your decision than a couple weeks back, so that makes me happy. You are right of course that I only have your posts to go from, and that I don’t know you well enough to give you the best advice, which is why I was careful not to tell you what I think you should do outside of potentially talking to a priest and reflecting on forgiveness.

You are right to question your sister’s prayers. Praying just to pray isn’t really praying at all in my opinion: we all need to pray with intention. I think that too many people throw that word around sometimes for it to have any meaning and your sister may be a good example of that.

Maybe you are right to believe you shouldn’t respond, but the miracle of Saul becoming Paul could be your sister’s case - maybe she’s truly found the narrow path? You are in a much better position than I am to answer that! But if you want to truly know, I will make one suggestion: Thank her for her prayers while asking her what she asks of God for you. And potentially there is an opening there for you to further respond if she is praying improperly to send her a book on prayer that is important to you that points the way?

For me, “The Spirit of the Liturgy” by (Pope Benedict) Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger and “Prayer” by Hans Urs von Balthasar were and are great meditative tools to help us better understand the power of true prayer.

All that said, I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

~Dan