My sister.....

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Argh

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Hope I have this posted in the right spot.

My sister has been, well, difficult since she became a teenager. Since she entered high school, though, she adopted the attitude that her " dont stink".

This has lead to conflict with our control-freakish stepfather. Not too pleasant…

Her attitude has lead her into 2 drinking tickets, a tattoo, smoking pot and smoking cigarettes all at the age of 16.

And now its sunk to an all-time low. After several infections and trips to the hospital, she finally admitted to having sex with her boyfriend, her 18 year old boyfriend. Worse part is my mother doesnt want to prosecute the punk and throw him in jail. My father, stepfather and I all do, the guy really is a punk.

Even worse, my mother is allowing them to continue seeing each other and acting like this is perfectly fine! She even had him come to a family dinner with a bunch of my aunts, uncles, cousins and my grandmother. Because she thinks “they genuinely care for each other…”

This is just making me sick and incredibly angry. I just wanted to punch the guy as he sat right across from me laughing it up with my cousin about something or another while holding my lil sisters hand…

What do I do? What can I do? I’ve begged my parents to turn this guy in and at least discipline my sister. Who tomorrow is going to a waterpark with her friends unsuperviezed…
 
Well, if you’ve tried talking to your parents, and your sister, and they all know how you feel, there actually isn’t much more you can do than that. She’s 16, and has at least 3 parents already, from what I can tell from your post. I don’t know how old you are, but I know the difficulty of the situation. And I also know that there is a limit to what you can do.

Believe me, I know how frustrating that is. I had to sit back and watch my older sister go down a very bad path morally because my parents wouldn’t say a thing. Be a good example morally & spiritually, and just be there for her, because she’s going to need you, more than ever now. 16 is such a hard age.

And kudos to you for being concerned about your sister!
 
You know sometimes as hard as it is, you have to stand back and watch a love one dig themselves into a deep hole.

Just let her know that you love her and you will always be there for her.

She’s not going to listen to you at this point in her life, but she will always remember that when she was going crazy, her brother was always ready to help her and love her.

In the meantime …pray, pray and pray some more. Go to confession and recieve communion every week, pray the rosary daily with the intentions of your sister returning home to the family and church.
Pray for Blessed Jacinda’s intercession. No problem is to big for the Blessed Mother. The Lady is there all you need to do is ask her in prayer.

God Bless you brother.

I’ll say a rosary tonight for you and youe entire family.
 
I still can’t figure out why mom not only covered for my sisters drugs, sex , and lies but she helped her make up excuses to dad. …and I am 42 now (14 at the time this started) The worst part is mom still to this day covers for her bad behavior. I feel for you but I have no clue why this happens!! Heck, same sister won’t come to my wedding in 2 weeks so mom made-up a story to my brothers about how I didn’t send her an invite. SOSDD!! (same old sh_t different decade). Fortunately I have another sister that lives near them and has started confronting the lies. She set brothers straight and now mom is mad cause she got caught lying for her. If ya’ll figure this out be sure to let me know…I never figured it out!! Sorry I can’t offer you any advice except to not let it go as long as we did…it just gets worse.
 
Well, last night i talked to my mom about it. She kinda broke down and told me she really desnt know what to do with her anymore.

I suggested just put her on lockdown for a good while, no real social activities at all for a while. kinda got my mom thinking about the lockdown scenario. But have everyone (my father, mother , stepfather and I) met and decide how its going to be done first. That way my sister cant play one parent against the other like she always does.

My mom made me talk to my sister and of course my sister insisted nothing was wrong, she’s not doing anything a normal teenager doesnt do, I’m not her parents so I dont have any authority and I’m being stupid about this and I shouldnt say anything, etc…

Anyone know of any good military/boarding schools in Wisconsin? Preferably the type that beats its student when they misbehave.
 
SOmetimes kids have problems because of their home life. You stated that you had a controlling stepfather and a lenient mother. Not only is she from a broken home, but she has two entirely conflicting, exteme methods of parenting being used on her. Most of the kids that I knew who were wild were from either too strict of homes or too permissive. Whoa! Your sister has both. Sending her to a military school will not help and will probably make things worse.

I am about to give you difficult advice but, let up on her. Temporarily, keep your mouth shut. Instead cultivate a relationship with her. Take her to the movies, to church activities, to your place for dinner, our for coffee anything that gets you involved in her life without the boyfriend. Most younger sisters secretly admire their older brothers and want their approval. You have a lot more power with her then you think, but if you verbally beat her over the head then you will never get to use your influence.

Let her talk. SOme young people do stupid things because they honestly don’t know how to handle their own anger. Emotions can be pretty irrational, so don’t interrupt her and tell her how dumb she is for feeling annoyance at your mom or anger at her stepdad.

When you do discuss her actions, be certain to explain that you wouldn’t be so hard on her if you didn’t love her. This might come as a surprise to her. She probably thinks that you are picking on her because you enjoy doing it. DOn’t depend on yourself for the words to say, ask God for guidance.

Bide your time and pray, pray, pray. GOd will give you the opening to talk with her.
 
I just noticed from your profile that your location is UW. That means you live on campus? If so, here is a wonderful way to maybe reach your sis. Take her on a tour of your campus. SHow her all around, try to include all the cool things about going to college. INtroduce her to your friends. Make her feel that there is some goal that she can reach for(college) that hanging out with the wrong crowd will hurt.
 
That ‘Normal kids’ do this or that argument has never, ever flown in our house.

I’ve got a 15 and a 17 year old. My son has been in public school since 3rd grade and my daughter has always been in public school. Anytime they would say “everyone else watches/reads/listens/does XXX” we’d respond with “But you aren’t everyone, you are a Catholic, and that sets you apart from everyone else.”

Then we’d go into the lesson about how we’re called to a higher purpose and we’d break down the implications of what doing XYZ would be for them, now and down the road. By asking leading questions the kids would reveal to themselves in their answers why a certain behavior might be considered OK for Joe but not for them. That way they owned the decision made. Sometimes it was Yes, other times it was No. But with the Yes, they knew what the pitfalls were so they wouldn’t get sucked into them. Examples: The Simpsons, Eminiem lyrics, certain comedian routimes, South Park, Family Guy.

As for your sister…it’s quite possible something happened to her a couple of years ago which caused her to lose self-esteem/respect and that’s why she is on the path she’s on. Have her listen to “Romance Without Regret” via the internet. There’s a version for public high school kids, and another for Catholic school kids. I had my kids listen to the 75 minute public school message and they both applauded at the end. It’s** that** good. It would be a start for her and it may help her trust that you really are just trying to help her be the best she can be, not be a second mom.
 
I think Deb1 gave you some terrific advice. Your sister probably regards you in the same light as a parent, one of “them”. Letting her know (and experience) that you love her and are there for her is probably the best thing you can do. Be part of her life without judging or criticizing. You are a great brother to care and seek advice for her.

Peace,
Linda
 
Argh,

I don’t know what the laws are in your state for statutory rape. But if your sister falls into this catagory, notify the police yourself. Also if she is going to Planned Parenthood, file a complaint against them for not notifying the police themselves. They are NOT above the law.
 
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deb1:
I just noticed from your profile that your location is UW. That means you live on campus? If so, here is a wonderful way to maybe reach your sis. Take her on a tour of your campus. SHow her all around, try to include all the cool things about going to college. INtroduce her to your friends. Make her feel that there is some goal that she can reach for(college) that hanging out with the wrong crowd will hurt.
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This is good advice. I did this with my brother when I was a freshman and he was getting mixed up with the wrong crowd. He stayed with my ultra nice, ultra cool boyfriend whom I trusted 100% to be a good role model. (now husband) so he was able to be around guys who had balanced social and academic lives. The were all good role models for him, because he was selective about friends.

Only do this if you think your sister will stay with you and not try to go out and party and get into trouble. You don’t want to be responsible for a person who will get you into trouble.

I understand your frustration. I was a kid who always stayed on the straight and narrow but my sister and brother in the middle experimented with drugs, alcohol and they still smoke. My parents were very strict with me, but not with them.

Honestly the only thing you can do is pray and continue to try to be an example and give her loving guidence. If you are not careful she will be jealous and resentful of you and try to be the opposite of who you are. I always thought if I made the right choices and was a good example I woudl “pave the way” for my brother and sisters… later they told me that they didnt’ want to be anything like me, they wanted to be unique.
 
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LindaS:
I think Deb1 gave you some terrific advice. Your sister probably regards you in the same light as a parent, one of “them”. Letting her know (and experience) that you love her and are there for her is probably the best thing you can do. Be part of her life without judging or criticizing. You are a great brother to care and seek advice for her.

Peace,
Linda
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This is right, be careful not to give too much unwanted advice or she will resent it. I know this from experience, and I as making a conscience effort not to do it.
 
Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.

I really dont know if I can do anything at this point. I’d love to kick her boyfriend in jail as he did legally rape her, but I couldnt bring myself to go behind my parents like that. And I know I’d feel terrible for branding him a sex-offender for the rest of his life for something he did when he was 18 and for something I know me sister willing went along with.

My mother, well, my stepfather originally, had the idea that once she gets kicked outta the house at 18 she might get a good dose of reality. And she will be kicked outta the house at 18 at this rate.

And I probly shouldve mentioned this before but we were not seriously raised Catholic. All my parents really couldnt be called Catholic at all, in fact, my father is a sorta quasi-buddhist hypie. So she doesnt have any real moral foundation to work upon. That and she decided to become an athiest a few years ago because everyone else was doing it.

I just dont know. My friends are of know use. The only friends I talk to on a somewhat regular bases arent, uh, moral people. The only one that might actualy tell her that my sisters being an idiot has more self-respect issues than she does, does far worse things to her body and hates Catholicism (some friend huh?).

argh…this stinks.
 
Pray pray pray…family members can cause such pain. My sister is refusing to sign off on my father’s tiny estate because it is 7 grand less for her than she expected…therefore, we must be ripping her off. I am close to giving her 7 grand out of my share just to shut her up. Not very charitable on my part, eh? So, I take my own advice…pray pray pray…and please, everyone, pray for me too?
 
I think that you really need to emphasize to your mother the kind of danger that your sister is in. People don’t realize that there are diseases out there that are actually more contagious than aids, like hepatitis. Hep. is dangerous! If this is what she is like at 16, how far will she continue to go. Discipline takes a great deal of work. It is much easier to be lenient than to check up on kids, find out who they are with and what they are doing. I also agree that you should contact the police. There is a big difference in emotionally maturity between a 16 year old and an 18 year old. There is a great deal of growing that happens in those two years. I have to wonder what an 18 year old wants with a 16 year old?
 
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yellowlablover:
I have to wonder what an 18 year old wants with a 16 year old?
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This is actually partly my fault, in a way. My gf and I started dating when I was a senior and she was a sophmore in high school. She just turned 16 and I was 17, I’m a year and four months older, but 2 academic years apart. Well, it stands to reason that for a while, I was 18 and she was 16 still. Of course, we’ve never had sex of any kind, even though I have confessed to pressuring her to do other unchaste things:( . But my sister knew how old we were and everything and even though my gf and I have been together for 2.5 years, I did kinda set a bad (scandalous?) example (even though nothing like this ever happened).

Even worse, my mother sees my gf and I and how happy we’re together and sees my sister and this guy and thinks they love each other. Another bad example set:( .

I still cant believe my sister isnt even grounded or anything. She went out bowling until real late (11:30pm) with her friends last night. Supposedly the guy wasnt there, but

My father is going to have a “conversation” with this guy soon. He’s told me that he’s going to remind this guy that the statute of limitations is 7 years and at any point in time the cops could be knocking on his door.

Things are kinda working themselves out.
 
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Argh:
This is actually partly my fault, in a way. My gf and I started dating when I was a senior and she was a sophmore in high school. She just turned 16 and I was 17, I’m a year and four months older, but 2 academic years apart. Well, it stands to reason that for a while, I was 18 and she was 16 still. Of course, we’ve never had sex of any kind, even though I have confessed to pressuring her to do other unchaste things:( . But my sister knew how old we were and everything and even though my gf and I have been together for 2.5 years, I did kinda set a bad (scandalous?) example (even though nothing like this ever happened).

Even worse, my mother sees my gf and I and how happy we’re together and sees my sister and this guy and thinks they love each other. Another bad example set:( .

I still cant believe my sister isnt even grounded or anything. She went out bowling until real late (11:30pm) with her friends last night. Supposedly the guy wasnt there, but

My father is going to have a “conversation” with this guy soon. He’s told me that he’s going to remind this guy that the statute of limitations is 7 years and at any point in time the cops could be knocking on his door.

Things are kinda working themselves out.
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Be honest with your sister. Tell her that you did some things that you are ashamed of.

Also, don’t give up on her. Try and have some other sort of relationship with her other then a surrogate parent. I know this is hard, but try to win her friendship and trust. I bet she secretly admires you more then you realize.
 
It might not be helpful, since you say your parents aren’t Catholic, but Dr. Ray Guarendi has very good, down to earth advice for parents, and he tells it exactly like it is. See if you can persuade your mom to look at some of his books. Just a thought!
 
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