My sister's boyfriend is "sleeping over"

[soylatte3]

tommorrow! She’s my room mate. I’ve never even met him.

I’ve been a witness to her relationships that came and went. She’s bought into the culture’s idea of what a relationship between two adults should be, in other words.

Her last relationship ended almost a year ago, was with him for 4 years, lived together etc. Her ex married another 8 months after their break up. She had another boyfriend after that and he cheated on her so they broke up.

Her new boyfriend who is sleeping over tomorrow, I really don’t know him and never met him. I’ve had purity and chastity talks with her and she’s diismissed me as being religious. We did have an argument because for 1, I live here too and I am not comfortable with the idea of having a man I’ve never met under the same roof. And number two, I am not comfortable being around this type of behavior. Three, I am feeling a bit ticked off that I am being put in this position to have to stay at our Mom’s (who lives 60 miles away) because I am not comfortable about this whole thing.

I know I need to be charitable with my words. She knows where I stand on these kind of things. She deserves better than what she’s getting. It sucks that this guy is getting all the priveledges without the commitment of being married. I don’t like the fact that he thinks he can do all that in my house. I don’t like him already but I will pray for him and my sister. Please pray for them too. Who knows, this might be the one but until she walks down the aisle, I am making a decision to not meet him until then.

Please my brothers and sisters in Christ - do you have any advise on how I should handle this? What should I say to my sister? I am thinking of moving out at the end of the month to get my own place because of this.

Thank you and God Bless you.

 

[PrayerShark]

I agree with you that as one of two people living together, your wishes about who comes, goes, stays over, &c. should be in joint agreement. Religious reasons aside, you have a right to feel comfortable, safe and relaxed in your own home. Unless you two agree that someone can stay over, they shouldn’t stay over. Perhaps the way you approached your sister on this point could have been handled better; it’s hard to be reasonable when you’re emotional. Anyway, you need to come to some fair arrangement with your sister where you’re both happy and not constantly at each other’s throats. Respect her wishes, and she’ll respect yours. You will need to compromise though; your sister is an adult and entitled to live her own life, even if you disagree with it.

 

[RedSoxWife]

Even before my conversion I would have had a problem with one of my roommates bringing home a guy to spend the night in our room. That was pretty much the one rule that we had. I just felt it was a) disrespectful and b) unsafe and those were two issues, especially the second one, that I wasn’t willing to compromise on.

And it did happen a couple of times in college, waking up to find my roommates half naked boyfriend of the moment, who I’d never met before, in the room… and both times it led to conversation about how that was not okay.

Morals aside (although I totally agree that this is a moral issue), she should respect you enough to at least not put you in this situation. You can’t control what she goes out and does, but she should at least respect your wishes for what goes on in your presence. If she doesn’t and I were in your shoes, I would move out.

 

[trinichiqn]

My sister’s boyfriend does not sleep over because I won’t let him. She tried it and I put my foot down, she argued against it but never tried it again. She has recently started going to his place to sleep over. You have to be strong, it is not just her place and she has to be respectful of you. Any argument that occurs stay on the point that he cannot stay over because you are not comfortable and respecting your boundaries or the like.

My sister brought up all sorts of talk when we fought about this, subjects that had no relevance what so ever to her boyfriend sleeping over but I shot those down and told her they had nothing to do with him staying here and quickly got back on topic.

Pray about it, and talk to her don’t just slink away to your mother’s because that is giving her an opening to continue doing it or whatever else she wants to do.

 

[LaSainte]

This may not be the popular opinion, but I think you should try to relax. Not liking this guy before you even meet him? That’s pretty harsh. And refusing to meet him unti they walk down the aisle? Come on. It’s not like he’s going around killing puppies or anything. I’m sure he doesn’t even think he’s doing anything wrong because that is what society has taught him and it’s reinforced every single day by popular culture and by your sister, so I would t be too judgemental if I were you. About him staying over, you may have to move out if you and your sister cannot agree on this.

 

[NeedImprovement]

tommorrow! She’s my room mate. I’ve never even met him . . .

Having guests over is one thing, but if they start sleeping over too, then they also become a room mate; only, not on a full-time basis. Your sister bringing some guy you haven’t even met yet to come and sleep over in your apartment the same day he meets you is extremely inconsiderate.

You have a right to feel secure and comfortable in your own home. If she is going to have him/them sleep over anyway , then moving out might be the only solution which gives you true peace. She might at least pay the gas or transportation today/tomorrow to your mother’s place and back.

Any chance of you coming back from your mother’s this time with a message for your sister along the lines of , “Mom says you can’t treat me like that while we’re both sharing a place” ?

. . . not an easy position for you (will say a few prayers for you both).

 

[RadRomCath]

. . . Come on. It’s not like he’s going around killing puppies or anything. I’m sure he doesn’t even think he’s doing anything wrong because that is what society has taught him and it’s reinforced every single day by popular culture and by your sister, so I would t be too judgemental if I were you. . .

Unless he has some sort of unmentioned disability or has been living under a rock, he has certainly encountered the concept that others believe this is horribly wrong and the duty to investigate was incumbent upon him. Not being “judgmental” (which is a misnomer spread by satan) leads to acceptance and eventually assimilation.

 

[LaSainte]

Unless he has some sort of unmentioned disability or has been living under a rock, he has certainly encountered the concept that others believe this is horribly wrong and the duty to investigate was incumbent upon him. Not being “judgmental” (which is a misnomer spread by satan) leads to acceptance and eventually assimilation.

Of course he knows that other people think cohabitation before marriage is wrong, just like I know that some people believe eating shellfish is wrong. That doesn’t mean I don’t eat shellfish if I go to dinner with a Kosher Jew. And a Mosher New has never refused to meet me or (as far as I know) has never said “I don’t like ber ready” without ever having met me simply because I don’t subscribe to their credo. We all have different beliefs. He clearly believes that he is doing nothing wrong. It’s not a reason to shun the man and refuse to even meet him. She is not participating in his actions or condoning them by simply meeting the guy and being civil to him. Saying that she doesn’t even like him ready and refusing to meet him is in fact being overly judgemental in my opinion.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

tommorrow! She’s my room mate. I’ve never even met him.

I’ve been a witness to her relationships that came and went. She’s bought into the culture’s idea of what a relationship between two adults should be, in other words.

Her last relationship ended almost a year ago, was with him for 4 years, lived together etc. Her ex married another 8 months after their break up. She had another boyfriend after that and he cheated on her so they broke up.

Her new boyfriend who is sleeping over tomorrow, I really don’t know him and never met him. I’ve had purity and chastity talks with her and she’s diismissed me as being religious. We did have an argument because for 1, I live here too and I am not comfortable with the idea of having a man I’ve never met under the same roof. And number two, I am not comfortable being around this type of behavior. Three, I am feeling a bit ticked off that I am being put in this position to have to stay at our Mom’s (who lives 60 miles away) because I am not comfortable about this whole thing.

I know I need to be charitable with my words. She knows where I stand on these kind of things. She deserves better than what she’s getting. It sucks that this guy is getting all the priveledges without the commitment of being married. I don’t like the fact that he thinks he can do all that in my house. I don’t like him already but I will pray for him and my sister. Please pray for them too. Who knows, this might be the one but until she walks down the aisle, I am making a decision to not meet him until then.

Please my brothers and sisters in Christ - do you have any advise on how I should handle this? What should I say to my sister? I am thinking of moving out at the end of the month to get my own place because of this.

Thank you and God Bless you.

Yes, move out and get your own place. I know you love your sister, but as far as roommates go, she is not a good one, because she is doing what she wants without considering your point of view. That’s a roommate who is taking advantage of you. I know someone will say, “But you won’t be able to witness or counsel your sister if you are not there.” But the sister is unlikely to change her behavior in any case, and all this OP will be exposed to is not good in the meantime. Maybe the sister will recognize that her own behavior is sinful, because her own sister is steadfast in the faith and continues to call her out on it. I assume she is also using artificial birth control while being promiscuous.

Oh, my heart breaks for these young women. They will not realize what they have lost until it is long gone.

 

[Delaine75]

Nothing wrong with the way you feel about this at all. I say if your sister and her boyfriend want to stay the night together, they should find somewhere else to stay the night. Forcing it upon you is a total lack of respect on your sister’s part.

 

[Allegra]

Of course he knows that other people think cohabitation before marriage is wrong, just like I know that some people believe eating shellfish is wrong. That doesn’t mean I don’t eat shellfish if I go to dinner with a Kosher Jew. And a Mosher New has never refused to meet me or (as far as I know) has never said “I don’t like ber ready” without ever having met me simply because I don’t subscribe to their credo. We all have different beliefs. He clearly believes that he is doing nothing wrong. It’s not a reason to shun the man and refuse to even meet him. She is not participating in his actions or condoning them by simply meeting the guy and being civil to him. Saying that she doesn’t even like him ready and refusing to meet him is in fact being overly judgemental in my opinion.

She doesn’t like him because she feels he is infringing on her rights as a signer on the lease of her home. She doesn’t want him spending the night. The problem with this position, as I see it, is that the OP doesn’t know that the boyfriend is even aware that she doesn’t feel comfortable with him there. I had a roommate once in college (the last one I ever had) who tried to bring a strange guy into the room in the middle of the night to sleep in her bed. (Which was the top bunk over my head for crying out loud!) Of course an arguement ensued and she had absolutely no intention of leaving. Fortunately, the “gentleman” had more sense. As soon as he saw that I was not happy with him being there, he told my roommate that he would not stay there and that they could go to his place. Just because the OP’s, roommate’s, boyfriend doesn’t personally see anything wrong with his behavior, it doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t be respectful of her wishes if he knew what they were. So, yes, instant dislike is a little premature in this case. However, if the OP is correct in her assumption that the roommate’s boyfriend doesn’t really give a flip about her concerns as long as he gets his orgasm, then I think her dislike would be completely justified and not even remotely “judgemental”.

 

[soylatte3]

Hello everyone - thank you so much for the insights.

I do come across as judgemental when I said I don’t like him already esp that I have not met him and when I said I don’t want to meet him until my sister is walking down the aisle. Those words sound uncharitable so I can see why it can be taken as judgemental.

I did not say he was a puppy killer. I don’t know if he is bad person because he is having sex with her outside of marriage. I don’t know if he is a good person either. Still, he is created in the image and likeness of God and therefore has human dignity. Which is why he is all-deserving of my respect and I will treat him that way when I do meet him.

I know my sister and I are so different and this is the first time I’ve ever experienced our worlds colliding. There are so many layers to this…

We had another “talk” and I stuck with my point(s) - We live together and therefore should be considerate of each other. Second - as much as she hates me right now, I am actually her advocate because she can do so much better. I know I a met with so much resistance, ultimately it is her life to live but I pray that it is a life that God wants her to live and not what she wants.

He is not sleeping over tonight she told me - she said she talked to him and told him that I am not comfortable. But he will be sleeping over next week - for two nights because it’s her birthday next week. I know he will not be sleeping on the couch either. She is having a party and I am helping her host it.

We are in mutual agreement that it is probably best that we don’t live together esp that we are already “fighting” over this kind of “arrangement”.

On the one hand, I want to be happy for her but I told her, I am blood and I will always be a thorn on her side. I will continue to swim up river for Him who has nothing but love for me.

I will continue to pray for her and the boyfriend. This is really giving me a reason to live out the upcoming lenten season hehehe

Thank you again and God bless.

 

[LaSainte]

Hello everyone - thank you so much for the insights.

I do come across as judgemental when I said I don’t like him already esp that I have not met him and when I said I don’t want to meet him until my sister is walking down the aisle. Those words sound uncharitable so I can see why it can be taken as judgemental.

I did not say he was a puppy killer. I don’t know if he is bad person because he is having sex with her outside of marriage. I don’t know if he is a good person either. Still, he is created in the image and likeness of God and therefore has human dignity. Which is why he is all-deserving of my respect and I will treat him that way when I do meet him.

I know my sister and I are so different and this is the first time I’ve ever experienced our worlds colliding. There are so many layers to this…

We had another “talk” and I stuck with my point(s) - We live together and therefore should be considerate of each other. Second - as much as she hates me right now, I am actually her advocate because she can do so much better. I know I a met with so much resistance, ultimately it is her life to live but I pray that it is a life that God wants her to live and not what she wants.

He is not sleeping over tonight she told me - she said she talked to him and told him that I am not comfortable. But he will be sleeping over next week - for two nights because it’s her birthday next week. I know he will not be sleeping on the couch either. She is having a party and I am helping her host it.

We are in mutual agreement that it is probably best that we don’t live together esp that we are already “fighting” over this kind of “arrangement”.

On the one hand, I want to be happy for her but I told her, I am blood and I will always be a thorn on her side. I will continue to swim up river for Him who has nothing but love for me.

I will continue to pray for her and the boyfriend. This is really giving me a reason to live out the upcoming lenten season hehehe

Thank you again and God bless.

I gotta say, you really do sound like a great person who is just concerned about her sister. I hope you two can work it out

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You and your sister need to consider living apart. I’ve had a lot of roommates, all of my friends have had a lot of roommates, and I have never once heard of the idea of someone not being able to have an SO stay the night, no matter how religious the roommate was. I think that unless you discussed this in advance (and all potential roommates should) it is fair for her to assume that while she needs to be respectful of the common area what she does in the bedroom that she pays rent for is her business and should be in line with her sensibilities. That being said, if you aren’t comfortable with him then she should never leave him there alone and they should spend their time in her room, not the living room.

I think that it’s pretty rude for you to decide that you don’t want to meet him and that your sister can do better when you haven’t met him. Here’s an uncomfortable idea-maybe he’s the one that can do better. If you want a relationship with your sister you must treat her boyfriends warmly and with respect. One of her boyfriends will be her husband someday, and if you aren’t mindful of that you may lose her.

Another poster suggested telling her that you mom says she can’t have sleepovers. I don’t recommend involving your mom.

 

[Et_Cetera]

What does the lease say about guests? Your sister is an adult, and it’s usually understand that adults in a lease can have overnight guests. You might not agree with her lifestyle, but legally speaking I don’t think she is doing anything wrong. There is usually a clause about how often renters can have guests and how long they can stay. Look at what you signed. If she is paying equal rent on this property, then you don’t have the right to deny her privileges that she has a tenant.