My Sister's Non-Catholic Wedding and Parents

[KSUChiRho]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice. First off, I am a practicing Roman Catholic in good standing with the Church. I am engaged to a practicing Roman Catholic woman and we are having our wedding in the Catholic church this coming September. I am the oldest of 5 children and my middle sister, who is 21, is getting married in January.

This sister left the church a few years ago and now attends a non-denomination Christian church. She is engaged to a man that goes to that church as well. She has always been a good Christian and continues to lead Bible studies and loves to talk to people about Jesus. However, at least with my parents, she has been openly against the Catholic church.

My parents are good practicing Catholics but due to my sister leaving the Catholic church and getting engaged/married to her fiance, they have disowned her, have not helped with any wedding planning/expenses, and are not attending the wedding. My sister, despite this, has had a Christian attitude towards them and wants to keep the door open to them in the future. However, my parents believe that she is tearing the family apart and is leading my other siblings away from the Faith. In addition, a Catholic priest, from their diocese, wrote them a letter saying that it would be a mortal sin to attend the wedding. Because of these things, they are threatening that they will disown any of the children that attend my sister’s wedding.

My fiance and I live in a different state and we are trying to decide what to do with this situation. I do not have any role in the wedding. I want to keep the door open with my sister and I would like to attend the wedding, but my parents are going to withdraw support for my wedding this coming year and any other support in the future. That being said, I don’t need their financial support but I want to still have a relationship with them in the future.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you and God Bless

 

[TheLittleLady]

“Disowning” is sort of an outdated idea, however, from the time he had the concept of “marriage” we taught our son what is required of a Catholic. By the time he was a teen he well knew that he was Baptized Catholic and that as such he was bound to marry in the Church or with permission of the Bishop outside of the Church. He knew that we love him and would always love him, but, if he decided to enter an invalid marriage we would not attend the wedding, etc.

Because this was simply a part of the education in the Faith that we gave to our child, there was never an emotional blow up or a disowning, he simply knew the Church’s reqs. He also has respect for our faith and would never ask us to do something that would go against our faith.

In this case, it sounds as if you parents are faithful Catholics and I’d not be surprised if they imparted a similar education to you and your sibs.

If I were your sister, I would petition the Bishop for permission to marry outside the Church. It is not difficult and would help keep peace in the family (plus there is that whole grace thing that we get in a valid marriage).

 

[Tulitas]

In addition to what the previous poster said, I would remind Sister that honoring her Father & Mother is one of the Ten Commandments. They are Christians, just like she is. She should not be dismissing their faith. She may have walked away, but she can’t claim to be a good Christian while disrespecting her parents, who gave her life.
I understand how they feel, but forcing the whole family to choose is also not good.
It will only driver a wedge in everyone’s relationship.
Being angry forever i also a sin.
I believe petitioning the Bishop will only work if one of the persons is STILL a practicing Catholic. Which they are not. Maybe Fr David can clarify.

 

[dann]

Yes it us interesting to observe the behavior of what a practicing Catholic is when problems.occur. and compair it to a non catholic christian.

James 1 says count it all joy when you have problems. And if you lack wisdom ask God who will give you the answer.

I have seen this type of conflict many times.

 

[oldgraymare2]

It’s called the sin of adulation, when some try and turn others against another family member, and do a “pile-on,” so to speak.

I’ve had this personally happen to me, where a family member was treating me with particular malice, and then was trying to turn other family members against me, one by one.

I personally think that it’s wrong of your parents to do this to you. It’s one thing for them to have their own personal feelings in this situation, but then to try and say that they’ll revoke their support towards you, is just really wrong in my own personal opinion.

You should be able to have your own relationship with your sister if you want to, that has absolutely nothing to do with your parents.

Your parents need to realize that you’re your own adult. The same goes for your sister, too, even though they don’t like her choices in life. To me, it’s a shame that they “disowned her,” for marrying outside of the faith.

It’s about accepting boundaries, and about realizing that their own children are adults with their own choices, and their own lives.

I know…easier said than done, and some parents aren’t about to give up control of their children’s lives.

I speak from experiencing, as my own Mom was like this, so “been there, done that,” coming from an extremely toxic and dysfunctional family background.

 

[Katie777]

Yes.

I would think this type of behavior from your parents is further pushing your sister away from the church, or at the least reinforcing why she left. I would think the goal would be for her to come back.

Today your parents are using the idea of money to control who attends a wedding, tommorrow they may try to use thier money to control other things and manipulate.

 

[Mike_from_NJ]

In addition to what the previous poster said, I would remind Sister that honoring her Father & Mother is one of the Ten Commandments. They are Christians, just like she is. She should not be dismissing their faith. She may have walked away, but she can’t claim to be a good Christian while disrespecting her parents, who gave her life.

From what the OP said the sister is trying to be civil with her mother, and the only two things she is doing that are “disrespecting” her parents is marrying the man she loves and following the faith as her conscience demands.

We are to honor our parents, but there are limits. Parents can try to ingrain a certain political position or toward a particular occupation, but it’s not dishonoring them if a child goes in a different direction. More importantly the call to honor one’s parents doesn’t supercede assessing one’s faith thoroughly and honestly. The sister can’t pretend her faith leads her down a path that it really doesn’t. She can’t give up her love solely for her parents.

Now don’t get me wrong the mom has every right to do what she’s doing, whether it be not going to the wedding, disengaging with her daughter and future son-in-law, or threatening the same of anyone that attends the wedding. The problem is that’s not love. As someone above said it’s far more likely to push the sister further away from the faith and not back toward it. It’s quite possible the sister will return to her Catholic faith, but she herself has to do that.

The one thing the mother needs to think about is that this couple might very well have children, and her actions now may result in being separated from her grandchildren the sister brings into the world.

 

[TheLittleLady]

As a mother, I would rather my child be alone for the rest of their lives than to see them reject Holy Mother Church. The child’s eternal soul is far more valuable than everybody getting along at the 4th of July Picnic.