My situation gets worse when I pray about it?

[Dorothy_Brown]

I have had a problem for eight years where I’m overly infatuated with men, and by that I mean my desire to earn the approval of whomever I have feelings for does has a significant influence on my motivations and emotional well-being. God revealed this problem to me through a friend of mine that I have been trying to get over for almost a year now. Last year, I even gave up daydreaming for Lent, realizing the harm it does to my life by making me ungrateful and distorting the way I perceived our friendship into idealized fantasy.

Then, one night last summer —while I was pretty brokenhearted over my friend— I decided to pray to Jesus, willing Him to be the center of my thoughts as I slept, since I was about to start a nine month devotion to His Sacred Heart. So before I fell asleep, I prayed, “Jesus, I pray through the intercession of St. Michael the archangel, that my mind be guarded from any thought that prevent me from loving You above all things. May my dreams focus solely on You as I sleep. Amen,” or something along those lines.

However, that night I had this extremely romantic dream about my friend, where we held hands, flirted, exchanged this amazing banter, and I think I like, rested in his embrace or something? None of this is even remotely close to that more casual, platonic, polite dynamic we share in real life, so I felt super weird whenever he came to mind during the day that followed. It was a painful reminder every time. I knew God wouldn’t want me to look at him this way, as He as made it clear that He never intends for us to be together, so I couldn’t fathom why He would allow this to happen. It was like, the only night when I asked to do God’s will, He let me have the most intimate dream I’ve ever had in my life.

This has happened at least two other times since— only the nights when I pray that my mind be kept pure as I sleep, do I have these extremely sensual (sometimes even graphically sexual) dreams. And it almost makes afraid to pray before bed ever again.

Can anyone explain why this might be happening? I feel almost like I’m being punished.

 

[LexDivina]

What was your childhood relationship with your father like? If you can look back on that relationship, and notice anything wrong or anything out of the norm, or if there was possibly neglect (emotional, as well as physical) or abuse, then it could be you searching for the approval and love/attention you missed out on at a young age. We as women tend to subconsciously look for men who were/are like our fathers, and that even means becoming infatuated over simple gestures of kindness or being attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable. I would seek out a therapist, or talk to a priest on why you feel the need to ‘‘fall head over heels’’ so quickly.

 

[Dorothy_Brown]

What was your childhood relationship with your father like? If you can look back on that relationship, and notice anything wrong or anything out of the norm, or if there was possibly neglect (emotional, as well as physical) or abuse, then it could be you searching for the approval and love/attention you missed out on at a young age. We as women tend to subconsciously look for men who were/are like our fathers, and that even means becoming infatuated over simple gestures of kindness or being attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable. I would seek out a therapist, or talk to a priest on why you feel the need to ‘‘fall head over heels’’ so quickly.

Thank you for your response. My relationship with my father has always been extremely normal; I have heard that upbringing can cause this, but that is not true in my case whatsoever. I went into the infatuation aspect mostly to provide context; I am less concerned about that than about the fact that I have sensual dreams only after I’ve prayed.
Especially since after doing some research this morning, I found out about incubuses and how they manipulate the thoughts of those struggling with purity (which is a whole nother problem I have had throughout the years) in the hopes of leading them into more sin. (I’ve already had dreams several times that I was masturbating since I’ve started confessing that sin, and a lot of times after those dreams, I avoided receiving the Eucharist because they were so lifelike that I couldn’t be sure that my soul was clean.) Now that I know that this is actual spiritual attack, I am kind of freaked out that an incubus could sexually assault me or something because I read that the more fearful a person is towards incubuses, the more susceptible she is. And the only solution I could find for getting them to go away is to pray for Jesus’ protection, but as I said before, in my experience, that has only given evil even more control over my thoughts. Thus, I feel trapped.

 

[LexDivina]

Thank you for your response. My relationship with my father has always been extremely normal; I have heard that upbringing can cause this, but that is not true in my case whatsoever. I went into the infatuation aspect mostly to provide context; I am less concerned about that than about the fact that I have sensual dreams only after I’ve prayed.
Especially since after doing some research this morning, I found out about incubuses and how they manipulate the thoughts of those struggling with purity (which is a whole nother problem I have had throughout the years) in the hopes of leading them into more sin. (I’ve already had dreams several times that I was masturbating since I’ve started confessing that sin, and a lot of times after those dreams, I avoided receiving the Eucharist because they were so lifelike that I couldn’t be sure that my soul was clean.) Now that I know that this is actual spiritual attack, I am kind of freaked out that an incubus could sexually assault me or something because I read that the more fearful a person is towards incubuses, the more susceptible she is. And the only solution I could find for getting them to go away is to pray for Jesus’ protection, but as I said before, in my experience, that has only given evil even more control over my thoughts. Thus, I feel trapped.

I think it’d be a good idea to contact a priest about this and make an appointment to talk. They could hopefully help you in this area and if need be, do a blessing on you and your house as a sort of ‘mini exorcism’ to ward off these evil spirits attacking you…I don’t really have any experience dealing with a spiritual attack such as this. One thing that you could do, is have a priest bless something for you, or give you a little bottle of holy water to keep on you or near you at night.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Try to direct your eve/bedtime prayers in an other direction. Try some formal prayers or the LOTHs at bedtime. What we think about before falling asleep is most often what we dream about. Peace.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

Dorothy, dreams are just dreams, unless we are St Joseph and God is speaking directly to us. And then it would be a message akin to those. Flee to Egypt, Come back home, move to Galilee. Marry Blessed Mother Mary.

I dreamt of the total destruction of the current world recently. Its just a dream based on a book I was reading. Means nothing more or nothing less.

You may need help getting over this friend. We can get something called reactive depression.

I second the suggestion to see a priest, but also see a doctor, and chat about what you are experiencing.