My son continues to shock me more each day

[angelerulastiel]

Why did his boss call you to ask to not let him have the phone at work? That should be between him and his boss, not you. If that’s the way he is treated, then I kinda understand why he is upset.

It doesn’t make his behavior okay, but it might explain it.

I would take the if you can do whatever you want when you turn 18 you can make all your own food, buy your own food, etc. But in a matter of fact manner, not an ultimatum. Oh, and I would totally support taking the phone away if he is texting while driving your car.

 

[Monica4316]

He is 17 will be 18 in June.
Tonite I caught him in a lie- said he was late coming home because he had to go back to his girlfriend’s (she is 16) house to get the movie they were watching from her laptop. Why her laptop? Because they were in her bedroom…sitting on her bed…with the door closed.

He has let straight A’s slip to B’s and a C.
Sends/receives texts during school- doesn’t care that she is in school also.
Had his hours cut at work from 20 to 4 because he was kissing gf at work and not working.
Had boss call me to ask that I do not let him take his phone to work due to excessive texting.
I Went inside gf’s house one night, because I thought the idea of taking a 7 year old (her sis) out to a movie at 9pm on a weeknight was odd, only to find out she lied to her mother-they were going to be alone at home- mom was going out.
Was involved in a car accident with gf. Police feel she was texting. She totaled her car- air bags deployed- the works. She/he continue to text while driving sometimes.
He found a ipod at a movie theater while with gf. Showed it to me and said he was going to hack the lock and sell on ebay.
Overheard him say to gf he wants to lay down with her on top of him.

All this in the last 7 weeks since meeting this girl.

THIS IS NOT MY SON!

I have no idea what is wrong with him. I cannot sleep tonite, I can only cry. I asked him to not go in her bedroom when he left. He said he wouldn’t. Her mom obviously doesn’t care. I told him I would call her mom and ask that they are not in her bedroom- I wouldn’t allow that in my house- he said I better not- I will ruin everything. Said he can’t wait to leave home- (even though he’s going to be home for the next 4 yrs at local college.)

I told him he will not be seeing her at her home anymore. She will have to see him here. He says HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS TO DO WHEN HE IS 18.

I can’t just sit and watch him be anymore destructive. We have talks about temptation, near occasions of sin, etc. and he listens,but I feel it has fallen on deaf ears. Every day or so is a new surprise with him… I have been so proud of him until lately…I hate to say it, but I feel like I will be a hypocrite if I have a graduation party for him and all I will hear is how great he is, “a good guy” .

I am so hurt by his choices… I wish Mother’s Day was not this Sunday… he is my only child… I thought I did my best… apparently not. HOW CAN I HELP HIM??? I am so sad right now.

You did your best and your son’s choices are his own. Don’t blame yourself for this :hug1:
I’m not a mother, but this must be very painful. I suggest praying the Rosary for him… maybe this is something that he would have to figure out and words might not help until he’s ready to hear them. Pray and put this in God’s hands. This is what I’m trying to do with my family because there’s a lot going on there too that is breaking my heart. God bless you

 

[Viki63]

Dear Loved.
you will see 2 different styles of parenting advice reflected here, and I’ve been struggling with similar issues. The first is the tough line that your son is living in your house and has to follow your rules, and you can set firm consequences if he is caught disobeying you.
The second is that this is normal behavior and you should relax and let him face the consequences of his choices, whatever they might be.
I am still struggling with these issues. but I think both points of view are valid to some extent. First, I think some kind of maturing is necessary for teens - a teen who goes along with parents’ rules without EVER questioning them at some point. has become an approval junkie. So what your son is doing is actually healthy, he’s striking out on his own and seeking adulthood. So far so good; you have not failed, you have raised a healthy young man who’s striving to become mature.
But he’s doing dangerous things, mostly texting while driving and dabbling with sex. You have the right to prevent him from doing life-threatening things, so if you pay for the phone it should be gone. You cannot prevent him from doing whatever in someone else’s house, but you can set rules for your own home and enforce them. Do Not try physical punishment. He will lose respect for you. You will probably find that the girlfriend is more willing to follow your rules in your house than he is, just tell her she’s not allowed in his bedroom but welcome to visit. He will remember the rules you set even if he doesn’t follow them at home. Eventually his brain will mature and he will be the young man you raised him to become.
I have found this book helpful: Yes,Your Teen is Crazy, by Dr Mike Bradley.

 

[sj2]

she told my son that her old bf, who is her biology class and is polish, tried to make her “do things she didn’t want to”. Recently told my son this same boy was at a party and she was alone with him, and he “almost raped” her. Since then this same boy has been over to her house.

In 6 months, your son will be the old bf and she’ll be saying the same things about him . . . mabe without the word “almost.”

Your son needs to understand how the world works. It is not about HIM following YOUR rules, it’s about him making appropriate boundaries. I was always a logical kid and my parents helped me kind of analyze choices. I remember loving and trusting every single one of my guy friends, but I had some hard and fast boundaries that I just wouldn’t cross, because I knew even very nice people could in a moment turn out to be nuts. Was I perfect 100% of the time? NO. But after a slip up I was able to *self-*correct, i.e., I’d tell myself, “Geez, that was stupid, I could have gotten myself killed.”

So sit down when everyone is happy–no tension, no anger. Do NOT make the conversation about the gf (this is about life choices that he’d make with anyone, any girl. Plus he’ll get super defensive if he thinks you are picking on her.) You bring up the topics, and let HIM talk about his solutions, his ideas. Don’t correct, just play a bit of the devil’s advocate if his ideas are a bit too niave for this adult world he’s entering into.

Then talk about:
*Paternity issues (great idea from a previous poster) and how to protect himself. All men need to think about this and come up with their own solutions (hopefully the solution involves only having children in a marriage, but . . . ) Let him talk about his ideas and what he plans to do. Don’t let him be niave and brush you off with a “that’ll never happen.” It happens. Sometimes you have to think about worst case scenarios, even if one is totally committed to doing the right thing.

*What would happen if a girl accused him of inappropriate behavior? How to prevent that? I think his gf might be full of it about the old bf, but if he brings it up for this conversation be on her side. Do the whole sympathetic, “Oh, poor girl. What could have prevented that? That must have scared her. How can you be sure to never scare her like that–girls sometimes have a tough time vocalizing their boundaries.” And in the future, if any crazy girl accuses him wrongfully of something, wouldn’t it be great if current gf and her mother could come to defend his character by saying, “Oh, even when we were dating, he was never alone with me in a bedroom. He’s a very honorable young man.”

*Building up his reputation. Remember, make it NOT about the current gf. You must have examples from people in your life to help him see this is real life stuff, and NOT about you breaking them up. Who does he want to be? What does he want people to say/think about him?

*Job & job performance. Does he want his current job forever? Probably not. But he may want a letter of recommendation. Ask him how can he get a great letter from his current boss when he finds a better job in the future? (Do not hint at the texting issue. Remember, these are his ideas, not your lecture. You know?)

*Retirement!!! You’ve done a recent analysis and realize that you must save up X amount per month (unless he wants you living with him when he eventually moves out!). His living expenses are draining Y amount. Can he help reduce what you’re paying for his living expenses? Or just guarantee he’ll be totally self-sufficient in 4 years when college is done. (Maybe this will help him appreciate his job, his phone, his grades, etc.) I assume since he has a job he’s paying for his own texting (please, oh please).

Etc, etc. Make this about him (and maybe not in 1 sitting). I was always a logical person. I know, I know, hormones can override logic, but eventual, if a person knows how to self-correct, they will “hear” their own voice laying down the boundaries even in the midst of hormonal chaos.

 

[VenomCriedBlood]

Too be honest-i think your being a bit ‘over-protective’.
Do you not trust your son?
And the grade issue-just talk to him about,leaving his girlfriend out of it,cause that’s a button that does not need to be pressed.
As long as they’re not ‘doing’ anything behind closed doors-then it should be alright with you.
He’s probably going through his rebellious phase.
Everyone has them,9-21;it’s bound to happen.
If not,then let him be his own person.

 

[ZDHayden]

As an 18 year old male myself, I hope to help. It seems common to go through a rebellious stage on the cusp of adulthood. This is because society says an individual is an adult, but the individual’s body is not yet prepared for the rigors of adulthood. I have had my share of lies to my mom, and went so far as to express “hatred,” through both actions and words. My mom, who is such a strong woman, was driven to tears. I recognize now that my rebellious phase was one of inherent selfishness. Your son may say that you will ruin everything, but to be honest, the worst thing you can do is let him continue. I may have been angry when disciplined, but I now thank my parents for disciplining me. I understand you are upset, to put it lightly, but please recognize that though your son may be angry with you now, you must endure it – for your son’s sake. You were right in telling your son he could no longer see his girlfriend at her house. Legally, he has no power so long as he lives in your house and you claim him as a dependent – which is described as being under the care of the parent, i.e, so long as they are a student. He may express hatred towards you, and it will be tough, I understand – I saw the pain I caused my mom every day for a year. But please endure it. In his heart of hearts, I am certain he loves you. I have found that moral lessons are not appropriate during the time of disobedience, as they will fall on deaf ears, unfortunately. Now is the time for discipline. When he has calmed himself, then the moral lesson will be able to be received. Please accept the heartfelt prayer to my confirmation saint’s mother, St. Monica.

Exemplary Mother of the great Augustine, you perseveringly pursued your wayward son with love and affection and pardon and counsel and powerful cries to heaven. Intercede for all mothers in our day so that they may learn to draw their children to God. Teach them how to remain close to their children, even the prodigal sons and daughters who have sadly gone astray.