My vocation, confused and worried

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Fox

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I don’t know where to start this so I’ll just type and see what comes of it.

I am a married man, I have been married since 1997. I have not been blessed with children because my wife’s tubes are all messed up from scar tissue that formed in her when she was young. She had a tubal ligation done two years into our marriage because of an ectopic pregnancy, they could not save the tube because it was bleeding too much. Her other tube is twisted from the scar tissue. She has a healthy uterus and ovaries though.

I am really struggling with getting IVF but, I will not fall on this, it is against God’s will, but I do feel hurt because her ovaries are good and producing but the egg has no way into getting into the uterus.

The confusion I have is this, my vocation. I mean I’m not called for priesthood because I am married but do feel a strong pull to more Church work, I EEM and a Lector but it seems it is not quinching the fire.

I am married but with no children, isn’t the big part of being married is to “be fruitful and multiply”? I feel like I failed in some way. I’m confused. I just really wish that God would help clear my mind and point me in my purpose in this life because right now I don’t even know.
 
I just wanted to say something about the reproductive issues. If you have not already, please contact the Pope Paul VI Institute, they may be able to help. They are doing some groundbreaking moral research in the area of reproduction and may be able to help you out.

popepaulvi.com/
 
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Fox:
I am really struggling with getting IVF but, I will not fall on this, it is against God’s will, but I do feel hurt because her ovaries are good and producing but the egg has no way into getting into the uterus.
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Have you heard of napro technology? I think that’s the right spelling. I don’t know anything about it except what the commercial says on my Catholic radio station. It’s for people who have problems concieving. This may or not be for you but thought I’d mention it.
The confusion I have is this, my vocation. I mean I’m not called for priesthood because I am married but do feel a strong pull to more Church work, I EEM and a Lector but it seems it is not quinching the fire.
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You can become a deacon and be married.
I am married but with no children, isn’t the big part of being married is to “be fruitful and multiply”? I feel like I failed in some way
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We are told to be fruitful and multiply but God understands if you can not. You have been called for something different. I suggest prayer and maybe talking to a priest about your feelings.
 
Napro tech, I’ll look into it. Thanks.🙂 I’ll talk to my priest as well.
 
Dear Fox –

I am so sorry for your frustration and pain. My husband and I also went through fertility problems. It is a difficult time.

A couple of things to keep in mind.

Have you considered adoption? Maybe God is calling you to build your family in a different way.

Do you have a lot of friends with children? While it may sometimes be difficult as you long for your own, offer to babysit their kids for a night out. You can reach children through many other ways than direct parenting. Your offer can also be a great service to a tired mom and dad while filling your own need to nurture a child.

Remember that Sarah and Elizabeth went for many, many years without children. They understand your pain. Ask them for their prayers!

I have known wonderful couples who were never able to have children. Some became “second parents” to a number of children in our Church community. Others use their time to serve God in ways that might not have been possible with children (missions, Red Cross, etc.).

God has a purpose for you and your wife. Trust in Him and He will help you find it. Also remember that our vocations often change their size and shape. Think of the priests and nuns who are obedient to whatever God and their superiors ask of them. They go through many changes in their lives, as do we all. Just when we think we’re settled, here comes another challenge! But that’s also part of the excitement of following Jesus.

God bless you.
 
I hope so, I hope God shows me what I must do.🙂 Thank you for your kind words.
 
Fox,
I thought I would contirbute my 2 cents for what its worth. My mom and dad went throught the same situation you and your wife are dealing with. They were unable to have children. They were lead to Catholic Charities and I was adopted by them along time ago. What a gift these two wonderful people are. I cherish my parents very much. they are two of the most unselfish people. If you should go the adoption route, the Lord will smile upon you.

Oh by the way did I mention that after I was adopted my parents had 5 biological children after me. Mom prayed for 9 years for children and had 6 in a matter of 12 years.
Keep praying and Trusting in our Lord he will show you the next steps you need to take.
 
I know a couple who are in a similar situation, they adopted 5 kids, im not saying drop everything and adopt a kid, but consider it, the kids need homes.

as for vocation, be a decon.
 
I think my wife’s bio clock is ticking, she is 37, I am 30. I hope if god decides, it will be soon.

I am afraid though that if my adopted child knew we weren’t their real parents they might leave. This is probably an irrational silly fear though.
 
Once your vocation is chosen it cannot be a mistake. Your vocation is as a married man.

A married couple is a sign to the rest of the world of God’s love. The call to be fruitful and multiply is a general call for marriage. You must ask yourself how you can be fruitful and multiply the gifts God has given to you.

You can’t multiply through procreation so how can you give your gifts, your loaves and fishes, and allow Jesus to multiply them? Only you can decide what gifts and talents you have been given. One of those gifts is your marriage and your wife. Your marriage is a sacrament and your vocation, so you are called to be the best husband you can be.

Perhaps you and your wife can work together on some projects, whatever you feel called to do. Maybe it is to dedicate time to the church, maybe to helping young pregnant women in need, or young struggling families. The possibilities are endless, including adoption and foster care, if you desire to rear children.

Follow God’s will with IVF. It must be very hard for you not to resort to this, but I can’t imagine allowing a doctor to do a procedure to allow God to create life in your unborn children, only to have many or all of them destroyed.

Ask God’s will to be done, and always tell him that you are open to a miracle, they do happen.
 
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Fox:
I think my wife’s bio clock is ticking, she is 37, I am 30. I hope if god decides, it will be soon.

I am afraid though that if my adopted child knew we weren’t their real parents they might leave. This is probably an irrational silly fear though.
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A child would never leave their mommy and daddy who love them. A child who knows they are adopted is a child who knows their adoptive parents wanted them so much that they searched for them and adopted them. One of my best friends couldn’t conceive and she adopted all three of her children. They are open with the facts and their eldest daughter is my daughter’s best friend. She is a wonderful child. Their sons are both babies and they are all three just wonderful, beautiful kids. It is obvious how well loved they are because they are so happy. I truly love that family! They are an incredibly happy Catholic family. It is totally obvious how greatful they are for their children.
 
I’m not sure NaPro Technology will aply for you. I should have looked first. It’s a NFP -Creighton /method.

You can still look at the site. Maybe it will help.

Pope Paul VI Institute
popepaulvi.com/
 
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Fox:
I am afraid though that if my adopted child knew we weren’t their real parents they might leave. This is probably an irrational silly fear though.
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Sometimes I think we need to reconsider what a “real” parent is. You might not be their biological parent, but you would in every sense of the word, be their real parent. You would care for them in the middle of the night, teach them, love them no matter what for all of their lives.

We have two adopted children and have always been very open with them that God made us a family in a very special way and that we prayed for a long time for God to bring us children. Our daughter was a little over two when we began the process for our second adoption. She would pray every night “God, please bring me a baby brudder.” We told her that it might not be a brother, that God might bring her a sister instead, but each night the prayer was the same.

Sure enough, we got the call that there was a baby boy waiting for us and our daughter said “See, God knew I wanted a brother!”

In fact a couple years later she was at a YMCA nursery with her brother while I was in water aerobics. When I came to pick them up, the supervisor called me over and asked me if my children were adopted. I said, yes, why do you ask. She said that our daughter was telling everyone that she and her brother were very special because they were adopted and that God made us a family in a very special way and the supervisor thought that was really neat. The supervisor’s children were also in the nursery at the time and she told me the next time I saw her that her children hadn’t heard of adoption before, so they got books at the library and talked about it and then when her kids said their prayers at night, they thanked God that my kids had found a good home and God made us a family. She thanked us for being such a positive influence on her children.

It can be a very positive thing to be adopted; it’s all in how it’s presented.

The Holy Family is an excellent example as St. Joseph was Jesus’ adoptive father on earth.
 
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