My Wife and I Need Help!

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Recently my wife and I have considered converting to Catholicism. Actually, I should say that I have been considering it, and my wife is just going along with it. We both come from slightly different backgrounds religiously. I was not raised in a church, but became a christian in my early years of college. My wife, on the other hand, has attend church her whole life. Neither of us have any Catholic background, and have mainly attended non-denominational protestant churches.

I came to be interested in Catholicism about a year and a half ago. I did so privately, knowing that my wife and some of my friends would not be too keen on the idea, to put it mildly. However, as it happens, I am not the best at hiding things… my wife noticed that I began to read about the Saints, reading catholic websites and blogs, and sending her emails with articles written by or about catholics. She kind of had the idea that I was, in the least, attracted to it. As it happened, I could no longer hide my curiosity and desire to explore Catholicism from my wife and “discussed” it with her one evening with my hear racing and fearful of her reaction. She didn’t react well, but was not surprised nor was she angry, just against it. So, for a time, I hid my feelings again, but the feeling remained unshakable. Long story short, my wife finally agreed to attend an RCIA class with me and to try going to Mass. The RCIA class was not so good (I thought at points that the instructor was going to have us do Yoga and convert to veganism, much less Catholicism, at some points). And on the two occasions my wife and I left mass, and her in tears, claiming she would never get anything out of it, I decided to put it all on hold again.

We moved to another state recently, and my wife has agreed (because she loves me) to continue to look into things. We are now involved in the RCIA class here and it is much better… but the problems still remain between me and my wife.

Her main complaint revolves around music. My wife’s worship revolved around the music worship at the churches she attend. It is where her heart feels closer to God and how she feels that she can worship him best. The music was always contemporary, and this is something that she has been familiar with since childhood. She says that she simply gets nothing out of Mass whatsoever… though she does enjoy the homilies. I’ve tried to tell her that if she just learns about what the Mass signifies, then perhaps it will have more meaning to her. But this has not worked.

I have read much about Catholicism, and understand and appreciate (if not fully accept) many of the tenants of Catholicism, but my wife does not and doubts that she ever will. I do not know what to do. I have pointed my wife to many articles and books, but she claims I am cramming it down her throat. Perhaps I am. When I have a desire for something I tend to dive into it, I have to remember that others may not.

I sincerely want to approach this from the right perspective and I do not wish to damage my wife’s faith. At the same time, I strongly feel that the Catholic Church is the best option for me… and for us. If there is any one out there who can help me with some good advice, possibly any men who have undergone similar experiences, I would greatly appreciate it. Please note, I would prefer those who would like to judge my wife and/or myself please refrain from commenting. I’ve noticed quite a few comments on this forum are quite curt, if not outright rude, and I would just rather you keep your opinions to yourself. Although this is a forum and somewhat anonymous… your comments may have a profound effect on the faith and lives of someone very real.

Thanks to all!
 
jmcrcia said:
Recently my wife and I have considered converting to Catholicism. Actually, I should say that I have been considering it, and my wife is just going along with it. We both come from slightly different backgrounds religiously. I was not raised in a church, but became a christian in my early years of college. My wife, on the other hand, has attend church her whole life. Neither of us have any Catholic background, and have mainly attended non-denominational protestant churches.

I came to be interested in Catholicism about a year and a half ago. I did so privately, knowing that my wife and some of my friends would not be too keen on the idea, to put it mildly. However, as it happens, I am not the best at hiding things… my wife noticed that I began to read about the Saints, reading catholic websites and blogs, and sending her emails with articles written by or about catholics. She kind of had the idea that I was, in the least, attracted to it. As it happened, I could no longer hide my curiosity and desire to explore Catholicism from my wife and “discussed” it with her one evening with my hear racing and fearful of her reaction. She didn’t react well, but was not surprised nor was she angry, just against it. So, for a time, I hid my feelings again, but the feeling remained unshakable. Long story short, my wife finally agreed to attend an RCIA class with me and to try going to Mass. The RCIA class was not so good (I thought at points that the instructor was going to have us do Yoga and convert to veganism, much less Catholicism, at some points). And on the two occasions my wife and I left mass, and her in tears, claiming she would never get anything out of it, I decided to put it all on hold again.

We moved to another state recently, and my wife has agreed (because she loves me) to continue to look into things. We are now involved in the RCIA class here and it is much better… but the problems still remain between me and my wife.

Her main complaint revolves around music. My wife’s worship revolved around the music worship at the churches she attend. It is where her heart feels closer to God and how she feels that she can worship him best. The music was always contemporary, and this is something that she has been familiar with since childhood. She says that she simply gets nothing out of Mass whatsoever… though she does enjoy the homilies. I’ve tried to tell her that if she just learns about what the Mass signifies, then perhaps it will have more meaning to her. But this has not worked.

I have read much about Catholicism, and understand and appreciate (if not fully accept) many of the tenants of Catholicism, but my wife does not and doubts that she ever will. I do not know what to do. I have pointed my wife to many articles and books, but she claims I am cramming it down her throat. Perhaps I am. When I have a desire for something I tend to dive into it, I have to remember that others may not.

I sincerely want to approach this from the right perspective and I do not wish to damage my wife’s faith. At the same time, I strongly feel that the Catholic Church is the best option for me… and for us. If there is any one out there who can help me with some good advice, possibly any men who have undergone similar experiences, I would greatly appreciate it. Please note, I would prefer those who would like to judge my wife and/or myself please refrain from commenting. I’ve noticed quite a few comments on this forum are quite curt, if not outright rude, and I would just rather you keep your opinions to yourself. Although this is a forum and somewhat anonymous… your comments may have a profound effect on the faith and lives of someone very real.

Thanks to all!
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The Catholic Church my be the best for you, but it may not be for her. It’s all about what you put into Mass, we go there to worship God, and give Him thanks. Many protestant Communities are basically Music ministries some verge on entertainment. Many people do in fact go there for the music, sometimes to be entertained.
 
I’ve tried to tell her that if she just learns about what the Mass signifies, then perhaps it will have more meaning to her. But this has not worked.
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Unfortunately, there’s a lot of “unlearning” people have to do to appreciate the Mass, namely, it’s not about how worship makes THEM feel but that worship of God in and of itself is what we are supposed to do…it’s not about feelings.

In your shoes, I would slowly introduce her to the Early Church Fathers…they were the “early Christians” so she may have an easier time becoming acclimated to Catholicism through their writings. It wouldn’t be you doing it.

Glad
 
As a husband, you are in a great position to pray a lot for your wife. Maybe make a specific daily intention, like that the Holy Spirit reveal to her the beauty of the mass and what it means. I sure know that it helps to know what it is all about in order for it to have the most meaning. Maybe you’ll have to wait, though, until she asks something that she is curious about, like what is with that holy water and crossing yourself, and then you can casually explain about the Trinity or about baptism or about the cross. Then maybe she’ll ask about some other behavior later.

As you consider what to do about your own choice to become Catholic or not, maybe you will find that you are called to become Catholic even if she is not going to convert. Or, maybe you are called to wait right now. Sometimes we just have to wait and see.:)Arrrrg!😃

Maybe get her a good tape of Catholic music. She could listen to it in the car and maybe she’d like it. But if that would seem pushy, I’d skip it. You know her best.
 
My husband was a Baptist and then a Lutheran before he converted to Catholicism two years into our marriage. I found he was more receptive to knowing I was there to answer questions and offer resources than comparing our beliefs all the time. He got really uptight because he said he felt unequipped to answer to my Catholic theology. I backed off and he began to read on his own while I tried my best to set a good example. Instead of requiring that we go to Mass together, I invited him. Instead of starting up conversations about our different faiths, I would ask about his (why do Lutherans believe xyz?). He had to go look it up and I would listen to him. Usually I wouldn’t counter with the Catholic side of the story, and he felt I was respecting his boundaries. He also had to decide whether or not the belief system he was following coincided with what he believed to be the truth.

I heard an apologist describe it once, maybe it was Scott Hahn as “turning up the love.” To avoid scaring your spouse away from the faith, turn up the love and just live your faith. The peace and freedom they see in you will at least intrigue them. In our case, it led to my husband’s conversion and has awoken my dedication to the Faith. 🙂 Good luck and God bless.
 
My experience in this situation is to have someone explain the Mass to your wife. We keep old missals ( the little paper backs in the pews) for this. The current missal is usually changed around Dec 5, when the new season starts. Call the office about getting copies of the new missal. If the new missal is unavailable ask for the old missals. I would ask the Priest if the parish is small or the DRE/RCIA director if the parish is large to recruit someone to explain the order of the Mass to the both of you. Then encourage the three of you to attend mass together. I find that when people learn the order of Mass they relax. Then they begin to understand the religion, because the meaning of the Mass opens the understanding of the Church.
 
I can soooooooo relate to what you are going through… my husband and I were faced with the exact same situation except I was the one wanting to become Catholic. I loved everything about it and just couldn’t wrap my brain around him not “getting it” and feeling the same way. It took several years, lots of prayers, several good books, and meeting and talking with on-fire Catholics for him to come around. And he did - Praise God.

My prayers will be with and your dear wife. Don’t give up - it is totally worth the struggles.

PS. We have a parish a couple towns over who have a Praise & Worship fest once a month on a weeknight. I swear it is JUST like the non-denom churches we went to … awesome music, hands raised etc., except it’s Catholic. Maybe there is something similar not far from where you live?
 
Firstly, let me say that you have my prayers, and secondly, I was in a position very similar to yours not so long ago, although granted it was not quite so desperate.
I am a very recent convert to the Catholic Church, having been raised Anglican, but not strictly. It was a bit hit and miss. As an adult I fell into alcoholism, and to cut a long story short, found recovery. The world seen through sober eyes becomes a very different place and I found myself questioning the nature of life, it’s purpose etc, and thankfully I found the Lord in the Catholic Church. It took me a long time of asking questions, researching things, and ultimately trusting that 2,000 years of the apostolic church knows more about these things than I do!
My wife is not, and never has been a religious person. Yet since my conversion she has witnessed a change in my outlook and faith, and has become interested in seeing Mass and exploring faith a little deeper to see if there is anything in it for her. I know this is not absolutely helpful to you, but if it really is something you feel in your heart, then it would seem the Lord is calling you. As I have said, I will pray earnestly that you find resolution to what must feel an insurmountable obstacle, and I truly hope it works out for you
 
You have my prayers on this. While I have not experienced anything like this, I do pray for those in my family who have
left the Catholic Church and understand the yearning you have
to share your newly growing faith with her.
While it would be wonderful if your wife would be on the same
wave length as you, it probably won’t happen. Your example
and sincere study of the Catholic faith will probably be more
helpful to have her wanting to learn more. It is a big leap for
one who has spent a lifetime in a music oriented church to be
able to understand the solemness and sacredness of the
Mass. But there are Masses with comtempory music as well.
Maybe you could locate one nearby and attend now and then,
INVITING her to join you. Your growing love for her (I truly believe
the Catholic Church’s teachings inspire a greater love for your
spouse.) shown in everyday life will help her to want to learn more
of the “why” this is happening.
Continue your journey home and pray that your wife will one day
join you.
My prayers are with you.
 
jmcrcia said:
Recently my wife and I have considered converting to Catholicism. Actually, I should say that I have been considering it, and my wife is just going along with it. We both come from slightly different backgrounds religiously. I was not raised in a church, but became a christian in my early years of college. My wife, on the other hand, has attend church her whole life. Neither of us have any Catholic background, and have mainly attended non-denominational protestant churches.

I came to be interested in Catholicism about a year and a half ago. I did so privately, knowing that my wife and some of my friends would not be too keen on the idea, to put it mildly. However, as it happens, I am not the best at hiding things… my wife noticed that I began to read about the Saints, reading catholic websites and blogs, and sending her emails with articles written by or about catholics. She kind of had the idea that I was, in the least, attracted to it. As it happened, I could no longer hide my curiosity and desire to explore Catholicism from my wife and “discussed” it with her one evening with my hear racing and fearful of her reaction. She didn’t react well, but was not surprised nor was she angry, just against it. So, for a time, I hid my feelings again, but the feeling remained unshakable. Long story short, my wife finally agreed to attend an RCIA class with me and to try going to Mass. The RCIA class was not so good (I thought at points that the instructor was going to have us do Yoga and convert to veganism, much less Catholicism, at some points). And on the two occasions my wife and I left mass, and her in tears, claiming she would never get anything out of it, I decided to put it all on hold again.

We moved to another state recently, and my wife has agreed (because she loves me) to continue to look into things. We are now involved in the RCIA class here and it is much better… but the problems still remain between me and my wife.

Her main complaint revolves around music. My wife’s worship revolved around the music worship at the churches she attend. It is where her heart feels closer to God and how she feels that she can worship him best. The music was always contemporary, and this is something that she has been familiar with since childhood. She says that she simply gets nothing out of Mass whatsoever… though she does enjoy the homilies. I’ve tried to tell her that if she just learns about what the Mass signifies, then perhaps it will have more meaning to her. But this has not worked.

I have read much about Catholicism, and understand and appreciate (if not fully accept) many of the tenants of Catholicism, but my wife does not and doubts that she ever will. I do not know what to do. I have pointed my wife to many articles and books, but she claims I am cramming it down her throat. Perhaps I am. When I have a desire for something I tend to dive into it, I have to remember that others may not.

I sincerely want to approach this from the right perspective and I do not wish to damage my wife’s faith. At the same time, I strongly feel that the Catholic Church is the best option for me… and for us. If there is any one out there who can help me with some good advice, possibly any men who have undergone similar experiences, I would greatly appreciate it. Please note, I would prefer those who would like to judge my wife and/or myself please refrain from commenting. I’ve noticed quite a few comments on this forum are quite curt, if not outright rude, and I would just rather you keep your opinions to yourself. Although this is a forum and somewhat anonymous… your comments may have a profound effect on the faith and lives of someone very real.

Thanks to all!
Click to expand...
That is a tough situation. I think its important to find a church where both of you feel comfortable. Maybe you should consider trying to find a chuch that meets both your needs half way. You can still believe in Catholicism, but maybe it would be best to attend a different church such as methodist or episcopalian, where both of you can feel comfortable. Just a thought. Peace.
 
Pick up a copy of Scott Hahn’s book-Rome Sweet Home. You will read Scott’s conversion story and Kim’s conversion story. It is excellent. Kim took a lot longer on coming into the Catholic Church.
 
Believe_85 said:
My husband was a Baptist and then a Lutheran before he converted to Catholicism two years into our marriage. I found he was more receptive to knowing I was there to answer questions and offer resources than comparing our beliefs all the time. He got really uptight because he said he felt unequipped to answer to my Catholic theology. I backed off and he began to read on his own while I tried my best to set a good example. Instead of requiring that we go to Mass together, I invited him. Instead of starting up conversations about our different faiths, I would ask about his (why do Lutherans believe xyz?). He had to go look it up and I would listen to him. Usually I wouldn’t counter with the Catholic side of the story, and he felt I was respecting his boundaries. He also had to decide whether or not the belief system he was following coincided with what he believed to be the truth.

I heard an apologist describe it once, maybe it was Scott Hahn as “turning up the love.” To avoid scaring your spouse away from the faith, turn up the love and just live your faith. The peace and freedom they see in you will at least intrigue them. In our case, it led to my husband’s conversion and has awoken my dedication to the Faith. 🙂 Good luck and God bless.
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I second this. When God took me by the scruff of the neck and hauled me into the Catholic Church (I had no faith prior), my husband was lapsed (baptised & confirmed but no longer practising). He would not come to Mass with me. All I could do was love him, pray, try to live my faith to the best of my ability, witnessing without words and also without appearing too ‘pious’, and leave it to God to bring him back. It took years, so be patient and trust in God.
 
jfoges said:
That is a tough situation. I think its important to find a church where both of you feel comfortable. Maybe you should consider trying to find a chuch that meets both your needs half way. You can still believe in Catholicism, but maybe it would be best to attend a different church such as methodist or episcopalian, where both of you can feel comfortable. Just a thought. Peace.
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**I am surprised that you make such a recommendation!

One cannot and should not compromise in matters of faith!

Perhaps it might be an idea if the wife attend a church of her choice and the husband accompany her but then the husband should not abandon his desire to enter the Catholic Church. She would not need to attend with him in the beginning.

My husband was athiest and I had been away from the CC for 27 years when suddenly, without warning, I returned. It was a surprise to me!

One thing I found was an intense shyness in expressing myself in matters of Faith. So I just prayed. I have recounted the story on another thread. Briefly my husband’s convertion to belief in God occurred thru a Jewish Scientist and then later my husband attended Mass with me for 11 years before converting 3 years ago and is now a daily communicant.

I have noticed that each individual has a different journey. Its like DNA or a fingerprint! I would recommend that you watch EWTN and look for the Journey Home programme each week. For almost 11 years Marcus Grodi has been presenting this programme where individuals recount their Faith Journey, many of whom are ministers of religion from different faiths. Each story is different - each Journey is unique! Perhaps it would be an idea to visit the Coming Home Website (Marcus Grodi’s website) (google Coming Home Network). There are many conversion testimonies on the site. This might help.🙂

I would also suggest that perhaps the couple makes contact with a Charismatic Renewal Group and does a Life in the Spirit Seminar. I did about 10 seminars - first as a participant and later co-leading. I found that it made the Mass come alive for me and I learned a lot from the Charismatic Renewal. I am not Charismatic in my manifestations but I believe strongly in the movement (includes Praise and Worship with music ministry). Here in South Africa there is a lady who began the group which is called Family of God and they have been meeting every week for 37 years (next month is their birthday). This might help the wife and the husband will surely benefit.:yup: :love:

I do not think it is an idea to be insistent. The couple appear to be close and should give each other space and time. Then there is prayer. :gopray2: :love: :extrahappy:

**
 
HELLO JMCRCIA!

Incidentally today’s Journey Home Programme is exceptionally good - it is not an interview with a convert but Marcus discussing 10 points or 10 scripture verses which he had failed to “see” when he was a Pastor of a Protestant church.

The programme is replayed twice today and then again on Sunday (at least here). Go to www.ewtn.com and go to Program Scheduling. ******

Don’t miss it! It is excellent and you will enjoy it.👍 :yup:
 
jmcrcia said:
Recently my wife and I have considered converting to Catholicism. Actually, I should say that I have been considering it, and my wife is just going along with it. We both come from slightly different backgrounds religiously. I was not raised in a church, but became a christian in my early years of college. My wife, on the other hand, has attend church her whole life. Neither of us have any Catholic background, and have mainly attended non-denominational protestant churches.

I came to be interested in Catholicism about a year and a half ago. I did so privately, knowing that my wife and some of my friends would not be too keen on the idea, to put it mildly. However, as it happens, I am not the best at hiding things… my wife noticed that I began to read about the Saints, reading catholic websites and blogs, and sending her emails with articles written by or about catholics. She kind of had the idea that I was, in the least, attracted to it. As it happened, I could no longer hide my curiosity and desire to explore Catholicism from my wife and “discussed” it with her one evening with my hear racing and fearful of her reaction. She didn’t react well, but was not surprised nor was she angry, just against it. So, for a time, I hid my feelings again, but the feeling remained unshakable. Long story short, my wife finally agreed to attend an RCIA class with me and to try going to Mass. The RCIA class was not so good (I thought at points that the instructor was going to have us do Yoga and convert to veganism, much less Catholicism, at some points). And on the two occasions my wife and I left mass, and her in tears, claiming she would never get anything out of it, I decided to put it all on hold again.

We moved to another state recently, and my wife has agreed (because she loves me) to continue to look into things. We are now involved in the RCIA class here and it is much better… but the problems still remain between me and my wife.

Her main complaint revolves around music. My wife’s worship revolved around the music worship at the churches she attend. It is where her heart feels closer to God and how she feels that she can worship him best. The music was always contemporary, and this is something that she has been familiar with since childhood. She says that she simply gets nothing out of Mass whatsoever… though she does enjoy the homilies. I’ve tried to tell her that if she just learns about what the Mass signifies, then perhaps it will have more meaning to her. But this has not worked.

I have read much about Catholicism, and understand and appreciate (if not fully accept) many of the tenants of Catholicism, but my wife does not and doubts that she ever will. I do not know what to do. I have pointed my wife to many articles and books, but she claims I am cramming it down her throat. Perhaps I am. When I have a desire for something I tend to dive into it, I have to remember that others may not.

I sincerely want to approach this from the right perspective and I do not wish to damage my wife’s faith. At the same time, I strongly feel that the Catholic Church is the best option for me… and for us. If there is any one out there who can help me with some good advice, possibly any men who have undergone similar experiences, I would greatly appreciate it. Please note, I would prefer those who would like to judge my wife and/or myself please refrain from commenting. I’ve noticed quite a few comments on this forum are quite curt, if not outright rude, and I would just rather you keep your opinions to yourself. Although this is a forum and somewhat anonymous… your comments may have a profound effect on the faith and lives of someone very real.

Thanks to all!
Click to expand...
Here is some excellent reading for you, to learn more about God, the Church, and the Catholic Faith. Please don’t feel overwhelmed; you don’t have to read it all at once.

Pillar of Fire, Pillar of Truth: catholic.com/library/pillar.asp

The Catechism of the Catholic Church: vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_INDEX.HTM

The Writings of the Spiritual Fathers: newadvent.org/fathers
 
I understand the difficulty in not being able to share religion with your spouse. I married a non-denom Protestant who is thinking about conversion after almost 12 yrs. Talk about the concepts you can share with your wife. You are both Christians. There will be divisions on things and it’s tough to just let it ride. You can be clear about where you are at but you must allow her to pursue what she feels is for her. Over time, she may want to learn more and may come into the church later. I never pushed my spouse to come into the church or learn Catholic doctrine but he attended church with me and the children. On his own, in his own search, he became more drawn to the Eucharist and is now beginning RCIA with the possibility of actual conversion—not for sure. I thik you will suffer internal distress over this for years. Pray for her conversion and give her the space she needs. When you can, gently explain church positions on things, history, theology, etc., and maybe it will sink in slowly. I can almost guarantee if you become a Catholic and are devout, at least she will see your example and gain respect for the CC. Patience.
 
I understand exactly how you’re wife feels. My wife felt the same way. She went to Catholic School for 8 years, but her family never practiced or even tried to learn the faith. After that experience she went to several different non-denominational churches had a “conversion” experience and decided that she liked them much better. She loved the community, the music, as well as the bible education. When we met…I was going through RCIA and she told me how she felt from the beginning, but like your wife, she was willing to give the Catholic Church another try. Today we both understand that the wonderful praise and worship services that goes on in the other Christian churches, were originally, and should be now…a part of the Catholic church in a big way. However these praise and worship sevices cannot be compared to the Mass. Having understood this, my wife and I are being led by the Holy Spirit to renew the strong faith community and Spirit filled worship in the Catholic Church. There are many people like us, and possibly your wife, that are being called to this. In the Catholic Church, it is called the Charismatic Renewal. It is far from perfect, but it has drawn many converts that feel the same. Here’s a link to one Charismatic website:

iccrs.org/

Peace in Christ,
Good luck
 
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