My wife is abusive

[firead]

Others have given you good advice. Take the kids and get out if you can. Call the police if she assaults you. Talk to a counsleor or someone.

Also, document things - write down specific dates, actions, threats, etc in a day planner or something she won’t see (google calendar on a seperate account she doesn’t know about?). Get photos of any bruises, scratches, etc and upload them on that same (secret) account in Google Drive. Sad to say, but a lot of places are less than helpful when the man is the one being abused and sometimes female abusers will turn it around and claim to be the victim. This will help you prove that she was the instigator and that there is a pattern of abuse.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

I was a witness to a close friend going through this years ago. When his wife was nice, she was really nice, when she got upset or angry, the wheels came off completely. Refusal to accept blame for the outbursts is a classic symptom. There are some useful books and other materials on the web for dealing with this so start your research there.

Others have good advice, but I’ll just add my $0.02 about documenting and why you want to do that: Law enforcement and the courts tend to be biased toward women and against men. This was the single greatest obstacle my friend had in dealing with his wife. Nobody except his close friends and family believed him and his wife gaslighted everyone else including the police. Therefore, document, document, document everything, keep a written journal, save text messages, voice messages, photos, record arguments and fights. Make sure everything stays out of her reach. Keep the journal away from home. It was such a recording that saved my friend from jail, for instance, as it was the only incontrovertible proof that she was lying.

I pray that you find a resolution to this not only for your sake and the sake of the marriage, but also for the children.

 

[AussieTrish]

Others have given you good advice. Take the kids and get out if you can. Call the police if she assaults you. Talk to a counsleor or someone.

Also, document things - write down specific dates, actions, threats, etc in a day planner or something she won’t see (google calendar on a separate account she doesn’t know about?). Get photos of any bruises, scratches, etc and upload them on that same (secret) account in Google Drive. Sad to say, but a lot of places are less than helpful when the man is the one being abused and sometimes female abusers will turn it around and claim to be the victim. This will help you prove that she was the instigator and that there is a pattern of abuse.

I agree with most of what firead advises, with one condition.
It could be his house, and he may need to get her out.

 

[ephesians4]

I’ve seen how this ends if you ignore it.

a) You being carted off to jail (be it on “defensively made” false allegations or not)
b) Someone ending up hurt or dead.

Fix it, do not ignore it. As a male target of domestic violence, there are only bad outcomes to be had from keeping quiet and carrying on - and the police are more likely to arrest you than help you if things come to a head in any way, especially if there is no history of abuse on record.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Unfortunately, the “loving and apologizing” behaviour is just part of the cycle of violence. Tension builds, the violence erupts, and then the abuser is often remorseful and promises to “do better” - until it happens again.

The evidence suggests that over 80% of children who are exposed to violence and abuse, even if it’s not directed at them, are affected by it. Do NOT continue to expose yourself and your children to this woman.

I’ll give you the advice I generally give to ALL people who are being abused:

1. Recognize that this is NOT your fault. Statistically, as a man, you are in the minority of abuse victims, and this can be very difficult for men to accept. She’s not beating you because you’re a “sissy” or you can’t control her. This is HER problem, NOT yours.
2. Squirrel away as much cash as you can. Cash is usually better than plastic because it can’t be traced. Plus, if you have a joint account she could freeze it, or she could attempt to cancel your credit cards (particularly if they’re joint as well). She could also attempt to have you traced through your plastic. She can’t freeze cash and she can’t trace it either.
3. Put together important documents, such as your children’s birth certificates. I also strongly encourage that you keep a record of her violence - this could be important to present to the police, especially because you are a male victim.
4. Phone a domestic violence shelter or hotline. Then call an innocuous number, like the Weather Network or something, afterwards so if she presses “redial” she doesn’t figure out that you sought help.
5. See if you can find services geared specifically towards providing support for battered and abused men. Many services are geared towards women, because statistically women are the most common victims. However, you might be able to find something that will meet your specific needs as a male victim.
6. When you do leave, it’s best not to go to a friend’s house or a relative’s house. It could be very easy for her to track you there. It’s often best to look into a shelter or a protected accommodation, especially one that has good security.
7. Be EXTREMELY careful after you leave, particularly because there are children involved. If she hasn’t legally adopted the children, my expectation is that she should not have legal rights to them - stepparents usually don’t, though please, please, please consult a lawyer about this, particularly because the children’s mother is deceased. In the meantime, be very careful about school. Make sure the school knows who is and is not allowed to pick up the children, and make sure they understand that their stepmother is NOT to be picking them up. Sadly, abuse tends to escalate towards homicidal violence when a victim tries to leave. Your children have already lost one parent - the last thing you want is for them to lose the other, too.

For the record - I think somebody said something about a kettle. It wasn’t a kettle she was threatening the OP with, it was a kettle bell. This is a Russian weight that’s shaped like a flat-bottomed ball with a handle on top. They’re used for weight lifting and, depending on the weight, could kill someone if you got bashed in the head with it. Make sure you write down that she said that, and record any future threats, as a PP suggested.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Verbal abuse is one thing; physical abuse is another. I would recommend that you tell your wife that you will not tolerate her physical abuse anymore; no exceptions. Tell her you will call the police the next time she hits you , then follow through if she does so. I was also demand she go to therapy.

The problem with the situation is that when physical abuse is involved, oftentimes the man get blamed, or at least the woman gets the benefit of the doubt, even if self defense is involved. You don’t want to allow yourself to be in such a situation.

 

[NFPWife]

Unfortunately, the “loving and apologizing” behaviour is just part of the cycle of violence. Tension builds, the violence erupts, and then the abuser is often remorseful and promises to “do better” - until it happens again.

The evidence suggests that over 80% of children who are exposed to violence and abuse, even if it’s not directed at them, are affected by it. Do NOT continue to expose yourself and your children to this woman.

I’ll give you the advice I generally give to ALL people who are being abused:

1. Recognize that this is NOT your fault. Statistically, as a man, you are in the minority of abuse victims, and this can be very difficult for men to accept. She’s not beating you because you’re a “sissy” or you can’t control her. This is HER problem, NOT yours.
2. Squirrel away as much cash as you can. Cash is usually better than plastic because it can’t be traced. Plus, if you have a joint account she could freeze it, or she could attempt to cancel your credit cards (particularly if they’re joint as well). She could also attempt to have you traced through your plastic. She can’t freeze cash and she can’t trace it either.
3. Put together important documents, such as your children’s birth certificates. I also strongly encourage that you keep a record of her violence - this could be important to present to the police, especially because you are a male victim.
4. Phone a domestic violence shelter or hotline. Then call an innocuous number, like the Weather Network or something, afterwards so if she presses “redial” she doesn’t figure out that you sought help.
5. See if you can find services geared specifically towards providing support for battered and abused men. Many services are geared towards women, because statistically women are the most common victims. However, you might be able to find something that will meet your specific needs as a male victim.
6. When you do leave, it’s best not to go to a friend’s house or a relative’s house. It could be very easy for her to track you there. It’s often best to look into a shelter or a protected accommodation, especially one that has good security.
7. Be EXTREMELY careful after you leave, particularly because there are children involved. If she hasn’t legally adopted the children, my expectation is that she should not have legal rights to them - stepparents usually don’t, though please, please, please consult a lawyer about this, particularly because the children’s mother is deceased. In the meantime, be very careful about school. Make sure the school knows who is and is not allowed to pick up the children, and make sure they understand that their stepmother is NOT to be picking them up. Sadly, abuse tends to escalate towards homicidal violence when a victim tries to leave. Your children have already lost one parent - the last thing you want is for them to lose the other, too.

For the record - I think somebody said something about a kettle. It wasn’t a kettle she was threatening the OP with, it was a kettle bell. This is a Russian weight that’s shaped like a flat-bottomed ball with a handle on top. They’re used for weight lifting and, depending on the weight, could kill someone if you got bashed in the head with it. Make sure you write down that she said that, and record any future threats, as a PP suggested.

Great advice here. I’ll add to this that you must stop trying to restrain her. If she’s out of control, get out of the situation. Immediately. Keep extra car keys hidden somewhere and park your car in a way that it cannot be blocked in. Your attempts to restrain and calm her could result in her being able to press charges on you.

Hopefully, you will leave and be out of there before there is another situation. You and the children are unsafest when you first leave. Be very careful. The suggestions around the children not going with her and the school understanding that the children cannot leave with her are spot on. Honestly, I’d make the school sign something that they were informed, even sending it registered mail. Sadly, some systems only attach the proper urgency to a situation when liability is triggered.

 

[Radish]

I haven’t read all the responses so sorry if I’m repeating advice. This woman has beat you and threatened to kill you (a kettle bell to the head will kill you). If she hurts you - you need to call the police. If she gets in trouble and has a domestic abuse on her record it is her doing - not yours. If it were me - I would see about getting away from her. No one should have to go through this.

 

[lily22]

Demon possession. Satan loves getting Christians, so she needs to do some sort of cleansing of all her demons.

 

[horselvr]

My brother was in the same situation only his wife was a drunk. She would even hide cases of beer in the wooded area of a children’ park and go there late at night and get totally wiped out. They were married for 36 yrs.

I was there visiting and she was drunk (abusively so) and I heard my brother beg her to please quit drinking and I walked into the room just in time to see her spit in his face ( he was carrying a towel and just kept wiping his face as he asked her to please get help) and then she punched him in the face so hard he fell backwards. My brother was a frail, man with a heart condition and diabetes and he went down hard.

Out of shock I asked if she had just attacked my brother and she held her fist in my face and told me I was going to get the same. I picked up the phone and called the police and she was removed from the home never to return. Thank God. Long story short—my brother’ health improved after that and he did remarry a 6th grade sweetheart. He lived for another 6 yrs but at least had happiness.

There are plenty of men that are abused by their wives and are too ashamed to come forward much like the women that are abuse.

I wonder if your wife has a medical/mental condition and may need medication. At any rate, you should not have to live like this. Please take care of yourself.

PS. I also wanted to mention that she also put cleaning liquid in the food in the fridge so please be very careful.

 

[Irishmom2]

You should separate for your own sake and for the sake of your children. Maybe there will come a day in the future that you can reconcile, but as long as she poses a threat to you and your children you have an obligation to remove yourselves from the situation. Do not allow your kids to remain in a dangerous situation one day longer than they must. Yes, you are of course worried about how such a separation will affect your wife, but you should be even more worried about how failing to separate may effect your kids and yourself. Do not remain in an abusive situation like this, it is dangerous for both you and the kids.

Many good posts here, but this one really was the best for me.

If the children you speak of are only yours OP, you really need to do what will protect them and have your wife leave if this was your home before she married you. You do not need to cause your children more stress by uprooting them. She needs to go until, and if, things can get better. I hope they were not witness to your wife’s verbal and physical attacks.