My Wife - Sympathizing v Coddling?

[TerrierGuy]

My wife, as much as I love her, is the most over-sensitive person I have met. It takes very little to offend her, and she seems to hold on to these pains much longer than the average person.

We went through a horrible engagement - there had been a misunderstanding between our families as to what certain money was gonna be used for with regards to the wedding, and she posted an ambiguous complaint about my family on a social media forum, they saw (and understood it) and things came to a blow, it was not pretty.

We’re now married almost a year and expecting our firstborn child, and there are still times when it comes up. She will start bawling and sobbing, because she apologized and they never did, and its not fair, and things are never gonna be right until they apologize.

I have taken every approach. In the beginning, I have tried explaining to her (unsuccessfully) that what they did was a misunderstanding, while what she did was rude, and actually required an apology, but they like her a lot and even she has admitted things have been a lot better. I’m accused of merely siding with my family when I do that. And, I’ve held her, listening to her cry, saying I’m sorry, I hope things get better.

I understand that husbands are not always going to agree with their wives, and maybe they wont be as sensitive as their wives, but should express sympathy anyway. But there comes a point where I just feel like I’m feeding into this victim mentality that she has. There are times when I just want to say “Snap out of it! It happened almost two years ago - you did something stupid, they called you out, you apologized, they’re not going to, but they treat you nice now - stop whining already!” I mean, how much longer is this gonna last?!?!

I don’t mean to speak about my wife as if she were a child, but I almost feel that by providing all this sympathy (which has been my exclusive approach for the past several months), all I am doing is reinforcing my wife’s belief - yes, you were unjustly wronged; you are a victim; how they treated you was not fair. It breaks my heart because I truly love my wife and I want to be there for her (as she ALWAYS is for me), but I feel like I’m just prolonging the problem sometimes.

 

[Chantal25]

Oh mye, you are walking on egg shelf.

Ok from a woman stand of view, she sees that you don’t care enough about her to put her first in your heart. I understand your logic and i don’t disagree with you but your wife doesn’t understand.

Perhaps, you can pray and have another talk with her. Make sure that she understand that she is the love of your life, you love her beyond word the way she is. Tell her why you married her and choose her to be the mother of your children. In time, she will do it for your own sake to apologize to the family.

You have already expressed your desire and wish for her to apologize to your family for doing this but you will have to back up now and let them deal with this between them. Ego and pride is such a huge obstacle with peace. Pray for her, Saint Therese of Lisieux said that prayer and fast were far more powerful then word to win hearts.

I pray for God to bless your family!

 

[1ke]

I think it is time for some straightforward feedback for your wife.

She was obviously overly sensitive and grudge holding before you married her, did you coddle her then as well? If so, this is going to be a seismic shift in your relationship.

 

[anp1215]

I think it is time for some straightforward feedback for your wife.

She was obviously overly sensitive and grudge holding before you married her, did you coddle her then as well? If so, this is going to be a seismic shift in your relationship.

Oh yes.

No offense, but your wife sounds very childish. Anyone I’ve ever known that has aired dirty laundry and/or made ambiguous comments over family squabbles on Facebook has indeed been very immature and childish. And she’s still upset over it after two years? I feel for you, I really do. I couldn’t handle it, but God bless you as you seem like a very patient and loving husband.

 

[Windmill]

When you talk to her, be sure and avoid saying “You” or “You always”. State your concerns in terms of how **you **feel about things. People tend to get on the defensive when they feel attacked, but if the other person is talking about how *they *feel, then that is less threatening.

Talk to your wife about how much you love her, and how you want to grow in your relationship with her. You want to be able to trust her, to love her, to share your dreams, fears, joys, and sufferings with her as you walk the path of life together. However, her oversensitivity has you always feeling on edge, and you are always worried that she will take things the wrong way even when you try to couch it in positive language. This fear prevents you from fully sharing yourself with her. You are afraid to let your guard down.

Ask her if she wants emotional intimacy. Ask her if she wants trust. If she says yes, then ask her what she would do in your situation, and what she can personally work towards to achieve a solution.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

My ex-wife was like that…

Good luck. Having the baby might actually help.
Find a good solid catholic marriage counselor and start now.

 

[90Domer]

First, congrats on your new family member. I think you are being a great husband!

Sadly, I encountered the same situation when I was engaged, except there was no social media to vent on. However, I am sure I handled it poorly. But I promise you in-law issues like this will come up if this festers. My thought? Is there a neutral party or a counselor that you can see who can act as a mediator? Or can you sit all parties down to talk it out and bury the hatchet?

 

[robwar]

My wife, as much as I love her, is the most over-sensitive person I have met. It takes very little to offend her, and she seems to hold on to these pains much longer than the average person.

We went through a horrible engagement - there had been a misunderstanding between our families as to what certain money was gonna be used for with regards to the wedding, and she posted an ambiguous complaint about my family on a social media forum, they saw (and understood it) and things came to a blow, it was not pretty.

We’re now married almost a year and expecting our firstborn child, and there are still times when it comes up. She will start bawling and sobbing, because she apologized and they never did, and its not fair, and things are never gonna be right until they apologize.

I have taken every approach. In the beginning, I have tried explaining to her (unsuccessfully) that what they did was a misunderstanding, while what she did was rude, and actually required an apology, but they like her a lot and even she has admitted things have been a lot better. I’m accused of merely siding with my family when I do that. And, I’ve held her, listening to her cry, saying I’m sorry, I hope things get better.

I understand that husbands are not always going to agree with their wives, and maybe they wont be as sensitive as their wives, but should express sympathy anyway. But there comes a point where I just feel like I’m feeding into this victim mentality that she has. There are times when I just want to say “Snap out of it! It happened almost two years ago - you did something stupid, they called you out, you apologized, they’re not going to, but they treat you nice now - stop whining already!” I mean, how much longer is this gonna last?!?!

I don’t mean to speak about my wife as if she were a child, but I almost feel that by providing all this sympathy (which has been my exclusive approach for the past several months), all I am doing is reinforcing my wife’s belief - yes, you were unjustly wronged; you are a victim; how they treated you was not fair. It breaks my heart because I truly love my wife and I want to be there for her (as she ALWAYS is for me), but I feel like I’m just prolonging the problem sometimes.

I am not sure but your wife should never had gone on the internet to complain about your family and she owes them the apology, I am not sure what your family did that they owe her an apology for. She needs now to grow up and focus on you and the new baby, not petty stuff from the wedding. Your wife might also be rather hormonal with the pregnancy but from what you describe of her, she seems dramatic anyway. I’m not the dramatic type female so I don’t have any sympathy for these kinds of females. Yes, I am sure you love her very much but love isn’t always sloppy sympathy, sometimes love needs to be tough. You can’t make your family apologize for whatever wrong she thinks they have done. But going on the internet to complain about them is pretty major and immature and you have your hands full. If she gets this easily upset, I wonder how she is going to handle school life when your child/children begin schooling. Good luck

 

[Anglewannabe]

Do all you can to support your wife’s faith life. Your wife is desperately seeking peace, she feels sad and is reaching out because she is unsettled and has no peace. The kind of peace she is seeking cannot come from friends, family or her husband, she needs the kind of peace that only Jesus Christ can give her. Deep down in each and every one of us is an empty space. We are little children that need love!

.

There is obviously something much deeper that is bothering your wife. Until she gets to the bottom of it all you can do is set your boundaries and pray for her

 

[3DOCTORS]

Thank you for sharing your story, I will pray for you and your wife and your unborn baby. Clearly you have a lot on your plate and your wife’s sensitivity is complicating matters. You can tell her that she is being childish but that will probably not get you anywhere and you already know that.

Do all you can to support your wife’s faith life. Your wife is desperately seeking peace, she feels sad and is reaching out because she is unsettled and has no peace. The kind of peace she is seeking cannot come from friends, family or her husband, she needs the kind of peace that only Jesus Christ can give her. Deep down in each and every one of us is an empty space. We are little children that need love!

Tell your wife that you love her, encourage her to seek out Jesus Christ. There are many options available, praying the rosary with her would be a great start. Tell her you want to pray for a sense of peace for her. Go to Mass with her, try and find a spiritual retreat she can go to on the weekend, find a good priest she can talk to. She is seeking to find a sense of peace through her family relationships, that is a mistake. Our families will always disappoint us, let us down, come up short, Jesus won’t. Hope this helps a little. God bless you.

Excellent advice. We all need to meditate more on forgiveness, humility, letting go of the past, etc. Maybe reading 1 Corinthians 13 about love together would help, especially the part about how love keeps no record of wrongs. What might really help is sharing an experience of your own when you had a challenge in forgiving someone who had wronged you, and how it hurt but you overcame it. Share it honestly from the heart, not in a “see how much more mature I am than you” talking down to her kind of way.

I was a sensitive little girl, teenager, and young woman myself, and it took till my late 30s and my 40s to get more perspective. (And yes, hormones do play a part! - in my case, PMS, since I never had kids!)

Here is another prayer that I really love now - this may be a bit “advanced” for where your wife is now, but maybe it’s something that can be for later on. It’s the Litany of Humility, and it helps us to put into more of an eternal perspective those things that can seem like such a big deal through our limited, shortsighted earthly eyes. May God bless you and your wife and your baby. Hang in there!

ewtn.com/devotionals/prayers/humility.htm

 

[mafh]

My wife, as much as I love her, is the most over-sensitive person I have met. It takes very little to offend her, and she seems to hold on to these pains much longer than the average person.

…

I don’t mean to speak about my wife as if she were a child, but I almost feel that by providing all this sympathy (which has been my exclusive approach for the past several months), all I am doing is reinforcing my wife’s belief - yes, you were unjustly wronged; you are a victim; how they treated you was not fair. It breaks my heart because I truly love my wife and I want to be there for her (as she ALWAYS is for me), but I feel like I’m just prolonging the problem sometimes.

I don’t really have any advice, except to suggest that it may just be her personality and she may not be able to help it. I was a lot like how you describe your wife until I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and put on medication. Now, it is a lot better. But, those behaviors (obsessing and crying a lot about past slights/wrongs) still come back for a few days if I’m under a lot of stress, like when my father-in-law died recently. For me, the best thing my husband can do is just to hug me until the episode passes.

 

[Evania]

Posting a comment online about someone is very passive-aggressive. It’s only natural for your family to have their feelings hurt. I think you need to nip it in the bud, and be upfront with your wife. With a new baby on the way, it’s time to let this silly incident rest. She needs to let it go.

 

[sherimarie]

It sounds to me like you are siding with your family here, even if you feel like your wife did wrong you need to be totally on her side, if she senses that you are siding with your family she is going to feel abandonded and (especially when on a pregnancy hormone roller coaster) alone.

If you can get your mom (or whoever the primary is) to sort things out with her over tea, then she will probably feel lots better about it. Maybe she just needs some closure.

Good luck, be strong for her!

 

[anp1215]

It sounds to me like you are siding with your family here, even if you feel like your wife did wrong you need to be totally on her side, if she senses that you are siding with your family she is going to feel abandonded and (especially when on a pregnancy hormone roller coaster) alone.

If you can get your mom (or whoever the primary is) to sort things out with her over tea, then she will probably feel lots better about it. Maybe she just needs some closure.

Good luck, be strong for her!

Sorry, but I think it’s completely wrong for a husband to be “totally on” his wife’s side no matter what. We are all human and sometimes we make mistakes-all of us. If I made a rude comment about my husband’s family, either online or to their faces, I would not expect him to “side with me” solely because of the fact that we are married.

 

[sherimarie]

After your married there is no “you, you, you” it should be “us, us, us” . If one makes a mistake the other shouldn’t throw them to the wolves, (not saying that’s what happened) they should deal with it together.
His attitude seemed to me to be “she did wrong, now she has to get over it.” Not knowing all the details it’s hard to say which party was most in the wrong, but that doesn’t matter as much as wether or not it a caused a serious breach in there relationship.
It sounds to me like he is siding with his family and you just can’t when your married, I know that’s like “My country right or wrong, or my mother drunk or sober” I’m just saying he needs to make sure she knows he’s on her side.

 

[Evania]

After your married there is no “you, you, you” it should be “us, us, us” . If one makes a mistake the other shouldn’t throw them to the wolves, (not saying that’s what happened) they should deal with it together.
His attitude seemed to me to be “she did wrong, now she has to get over it.” Not knowing all the details it’s hard to say which party was most in the wrong, but that doesn’t matter as much as wether or not it a caused a serious breach in there relationship.
It sounds to me like he is siding with his family and you just can’t when your married, I know that’s like “My country right or wrong, or my mother drunk or sober” I’m just saying he needs to make sure she knows he’s on her side.

I think the point he’s trying to make is that he HAS sided with her, and yet she isn’t letting the issue die. At this point, with a baby on the way, it’s a good idea to let it rest.