My wife's family is falling apart

  • Thread starter Thread starter djalk
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

djalk

Guest
There is a lot to the issues with my wife’s family, so I will stick to one topic for now, but if I can get some help, there is so much more.

My MIL (also my sponsor when I came into the Church) and FIL (not a Catholic) have gotten divorced and it has torn the three grown kids apart. My wife is broken hearted about her dad. He has left my MIL without much financial stability, remarried quickly, and driven a wedge between the kids and my MIL. There is so much more to it, but I don’t want to get too long winded.

My wife is crushed even though he has now been remarried for a year. My MIL has changed and seems depressed. I pray for them all the time, but I am searching for ways to comfort them and help them communicate and work through what is hurting all of them…communication is not a strong point with my in-laws.

Any advice? I will happily provide more info in needed.

David
 
I am very sorry your family is going through this. Your wife will probably be crushed about it forever.

From the little you posted, I think the best is for you to pray to accept whatever way your sife and MIL chose to deal with it. If communication was not taugh when times are good, they can not be learned when times are bad without tremendous effort.

Your wife is lucky to have such a supportive husband

CM
 
all I can say is

Time heals all wounds! Be the support that your wife and mother -in-law needs.

My prayers for your family’s healing!
 
Keep an eye on your MIL. Depression may be natural in this situation but it can also kill.

Just keep loving your wife and step up, be the head of your domestic Church. Institute some prayer time as a couple and as a family. Keep the focus on Christ and helping others.

Listen to how bossy I sound! Sorry.:rolleyes:

I am more concerned about your MIL. Even if he was not a good husband, what a shock this must be. Does she live close to you? Can you and your wife plan to do things with her once a month, like dinner and a movie? Even if she says, “No” you guys may have to insist. When people have their entire lives up-ended, it takes a while to trust and feel safe again.

You are in my prayers, my brother. Hang in there.
 
I agree about the time and prayer. My wife and I work through her emotions when her dad says something mean or her mom goes crazy. I think in time my wife will get through or learn to accept, but the scar of her dad and what he did will remain.

My MIL is where we are all worried. She is without much in the financial area, and my wife and I are limited in our ability to help. He mom travels to our town (50miles) a day for her job and we have offered to let her stay 2,3,4,5 times a week to save money on the commute. What worries us is she gets sad and disappears for days, meaning she doesn’t contact us or come see us and doesn’t answer the phone when we call. I have tried to encourage my wife to go out of her way to tell her she loves her mom and how much we like having her around, but nothing works so far. My MIL silently suffers. She prays every day, goes to Mass and used to sit up front, but now sits way in the back. She used to spend every Sat night at adoration, but has quit volunteering. My wife seems hesitant to approach her about her concerns.
 
Make up a daily prayer list. Keep it by your computer.

Put me and MIL on that list. And I will put you and your MIL on my list.

Invoke the Holy Spirit.

“Dear Lord. Dear Holy Spirit. Please help djalk and MIL and me get through each day in good health. In one piece. Whole and intact. Please provide good inspiration, direction and guidance, positive cash flow and work (And no funny stuff, please). In Jesus’ name we ask. Amen”
 
A am in a simliar situation as your mother-in-law right now.

Just let her know that you guys are there for her. Talk to her regularly, in time she may open up. Just be understanding and don’t try to know how she feels or give her unsolicited advice. Don’t say anything negative about her ex as she still loves him.

AND…prayers, prayers, and more prayers.

I will keep your family in my prayers.
 
It is very touching to read of how much you and your wife care for her mother during this devastating time in her life. Your offers for her to stay at your house are generous and thoughtful.

Here are some thoughts based on experience, not sure if they apply to your situation or not. But these things would mean the world to me, so I’ll post them in case they are helpful. A woman going through a divorce needs, more than ever, to feel that she is recognized and valued as a woman. When the former husband quickly replaces his wife, it’s the ultimate expression of selfishness, rejection and dehumanization. If your mother in law likes lovely things, perhaps you could find some time to go to her place and give her a few hanging flower baskets, a fresh clean new welcome mat, some incredibly soft fluffy bath towels, and leave a few meals in her freezer with some easy meal fixings in her fridge.
Some women in her situation can be so utterly devastated that they turn the rejection of their husband into a reflection of having no self-worth themselves.

Healing from this sort of pain can be a complete roller coaster…two steps up and five steps back. She will benefit greatly from having a supportive family who understands and cherishes her wherever she is in the healing process.

Does she have any interests just for herself that she enjoys doing? Would she be open to your wife taking her to her physician for a check-up? Finding a good counselor?
 
djalk said:
I agree about the time and prayer. My wife and I work through her emotions when her dad says something mean or her mom goes crazy. I think in time my wife will get through or learn to accept, but the scar of her dad and what he did will remain.

My MIL is where we are all worried. She is without much in the financial area, and my wife and I are limited in our ability to help. He mom travels to our town (50miles) a day for her job and we have offered to let her stay 2,3,4,5 times a week to save money on the commute. What worries us is she gets sad and disappears for days, meaning she doesn’t contact us or come see us and doesn’t answer the phone when we call. I have tried to encourage my wife to go out of her way to tell her she loves her mom and how much we like having her around, but nothing works so far. My MIL silently suffers. She prays every day, goes to Mass and used to sit up front, but now sits way in the back. She used to spend every Sat night at adoration, but has quit volunteering. My wife seems hesitant to approach her about her concerns.
Click to expand...
First of all, I am so sorry that your family has to suffer all this and I feel for your wife and MIL. I have seen my MIL go through this as well and she is not handling it well either.

You know I was just listening to a CD, a good christian one by Focus on the Family, and they talked about depression. I think and I am not a doctor, your MIL is suffering from that and it would be worth someone telling her to go see a professional to get their advice. This may help her a lot. From what you describe, she is losing interest in things, not visiting you and her daughter as often as she use to or even taking your calls. I think these are red flags. Again, I am not a doctor, but it may be worth checking out. Have her checked out for depression. With all that she has been through, it wouldn’t be unnatural to happen. Just my thoughts.
 
Thanks for the advice. I do pray and will start a list. Thank you. I love that there is a place to get advice from like minded people.

The hard part about talking to her, is getting her to sit and listen. I would not presume that she would ever want me to come to her, but getting her kids to try has proven difficult. The mixed up history of their childhood has them keeping their distance. She has had ‘issues’ for a long time and is on many different medications for a variety of reasons. Every time she is upset or thinks we are going to see my FIL, she gets ‘sick’ and has virtigo. She puts up a huge shield and her kids are barely willing to talk with her, but I know they should. They all need to let each other know how much they love each other. I am not sure how to get them to do that or even certain that I should even try. Right now, I am sticking with prayer.

Their history is what keeps them distant. My FIL did not do much in the way of raising or supporting my MIL when the kids were growing up, they are 23, 26, and 29 now. My wife being the 29. When all the kids were in high school, they got kicked out of their own house, and the FIL didn’t do much to stop it or help fix it, so there are some serious trust issues there. I know that is why they keep an emotional and communication distance.

No surprise, the girls are upset with their dad, and that relationship is in shambles. He was really mean to the girls during the divorce and continues now when the girls have a hard time ‘making friends’ with the new wife.

So basically, my MIL is distancing herself from her kids and my kids (her grandkids) and won’t answer calls or emails or even the door if we come into town, but then will act like nothing of it when she does decide to come around. My FIL is still not the nicest to the girls and the girls are still hurt deeply by the bond and trust he has broken.

So much.

I continue to pray, but am seeing a trend towards a huge blowout.
 
Please be careful in projecting what YOU feel THEY should do. Perhaps they don’t want the relationship you think they should have. I would never presume to force my DH in a relationship with anyone that he does not. Just because it is family does not mean it is a healthy relationship.

You mention the children have some unpleasant history with the family. Perhaps the MIL is more toxic than you realize, but her kids sure do. You forcing a relationship will do more harm to you DW than you think.

Tread carefully, let your wife be your guide with the relationship SHE wants with HER mother.
 
With all that you said, I would be careful just as the prior person said. I too married into a family I didn’t understand. My dh’s family is dysfunctional to say the least. I tried to “fix” it. I tried to get my dh to be friends with his mother without realizing what kind of a mother she was to him as a child. I had no idea. He told me later. I opened up wounds that I should not have. It caused problems within our marriage. Let me put it this way, he put two hole in our walls due to the anger he expressed towards his mother. I was coming at it from my relationship with my mother. I have a good relationship with my mother and can discuss anything with her, but he doesn’t have that. He has so much anger towards her and blamed her for his parents’ divorce. I mean he had a love/hate relationship with her that I did not understand. I had to let it go and just pray for him. I talked to a good priest and he told me to pray for my husband’s heart for he needed healing from his past. That is what I do. Try that. I would not push it and listen to your life.

I do think you are a great husband and your heart was and is in the right place. You sound like me, wanting peace in the family and everyone to get along. It doesn’t happen sometimes. It bothered for for years, but I have had to accept it with his family. My husband has had to accept that his mother is just not very loving or motherly. He had to forgive her without her asking for forgiveness. She was and is too proud to admit she did anything wrong.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top