Need adivce re sister and brother-in-law

[MKV]

My older sister and bil (bro-inlaw) have been married for 10 years and just had their 2nd child about 2 weeks ago. My younger sister came to visit and stayed at their place for a week. While she was there, she came across some emails from bil to 2 other women. In one of the emails (which was snet a few days after th birth of my nephew), my bil wrote that he missed holding this other woman and questions whether he can resist doing more than just hold her. In her reply, she conratulated my bil on the new baby and wrote that she has been reluctant to call him bc she does not want to put him in a “compromising” situation. The email to the other woman was froma few months ago. She wrote of how they danced together and how he kissed her on her nose.

We are obviously devastated by this. We think our sister desreves and needs to know of these emails. We tried to discuss this bil’s brother and sister but they came to his defense and do not think that he has “cheated” on our sister.

I love my bil dearly and so wish that I could believe otherwise. He is very caring and nurturing towards me. He is a loving father. But he is far from being a great husband. He is a fitness fiend and frequently tells my sister that she is overweight and needs to lose weight (ever since their 1st child). Furthermore, he is very flirtatious and gawks at other women. He can be very selfish- this is a guy who left to go skiing 1 month after my sister has their 1st child. Plus, he spends most of his free time at the gym or playing golf. My sister has always been a very trusting and patient person (and stoic), and so has always tolerated his wayward behavior.

Since our sister has been so emotional lately, we were thinking of talking to our bil first, although we’re not quite sure how to bring it up. Please pray for them and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Donna_P]

MKV:

bil’s brother and sister but they came to his defense and do not think that he has “cheated” on our sister.

I love my bil dearly and so wish that I could believe otherwise. He is very caring and nurturing towards me. He is a loving father. But he is far from being a great husband. He is a fitness fiend and frequently tells my sister that she is overweight and needs to lose weight (ever since their 1st child). Furthermore, he is very flirtatious and gawks at other women. .

This is hard. There is a family at stake here. It is not right to go blindly into this. Do you have a good priest to talk to??? I would ask his advice.

Of course your BIL’s siblings would come to his defense if they were not practicing Catholics. Any flirting, gawking is enough to be a serious sin in the Catholic Church. Any kissing holding etc is even worse.

If you don’t have a good spiritual advisor, you might want to talk directly to your brother in law. Let him know what you found out. I guess to me (my opinion) I would ask him to stop and suck it up. He should not to tell his wife which would cause her undue harm. He created the stink - he can suffer with the ache of it and offer it up as penance.

My opinion again…if he gives you a hard time - you could tell him that he has to tell your sister or you will. And then you HAVE to do what you say.

Again, I cannot stress enough the need for a spiritual advisor. Maybe he is all talk and when confronted - he’ll be scared enough to grow up into the man God wants him to be.

God Bless you and I’ll pray for you,

Donna

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I wonder how your younger sis came upon these e-mails?

If they were very easy to find (out in the open, no snooping around) then he may be looking to get caught. Why? I have no idea. Or maybe he just isn’t very smart?

I feel so bad for your sister. It does not sound like she has a man she can count on. And the children… this is a terrible situation all around.

But now that you know, I think it is your responsibilty to do something about it. Your best bet would be to stop (immediately) discussing it with family members and go to a trusted priest or counsellor and get some good advice on how to deal with this.

Think of how your sis is going to feel when she eventually finds out that everyone knew but her. The sooner you resolve this, the better for all.

In my opinion your sis needs to know ASAP!!! If he is cheating, then her and the children are at risk of any diseases he may bring home.

Also, she needs to protect herself and her children (legally, finacially etc) in case he decides to leave her for one of these bimbos who feed his all to large ego. If at all possible get a hard copy of the e-mails so there is proof.

Disgusting.

I will add you and your family to my prayers tonight so that you find a quick and effective way to resolve this dilema.

Malia

 

[Katie1723]

I, too, would have to ask just how she “came across” the emails. Seems to me your sister was snooping where she ought not to have been. That being said, I don’t envy you being in the precarious position you are. But, please, stop discussing it among family. It will only add to your sisters anger when she finds out she was the last to know, as often happens in cases like this. It is devasting finding out something like this, but waiting or avoiding telling her is condoning her husband’s bad behavior.
~ Kathy ~

 

[kristacecilia]

I think it would be best for your sister to approach your brother in law, tell him exactly what she saw and how she saw it (even it this means having to apologize for snooping). She should tell him that he needs to tell his wife everything and ask her forgiveness and seek the counsel of a priest. Give him a generous time window (like a week or two) to tell his wife, and tell him that if he doesn’t do it, she will, because she loves her sister too much to have her in jeopardy of STDs.

And tell him that she feels very sorry for him and is praying for him. If done with an attitude of compassion and love, I think this would work the best.

 

[kp1]

Very Sticky Situation! I agree with everyone on talking to the BIL and telling your sister. If you suspect he might leave your sister and the babies, get your hands on as much hard copy info, like the emails and financial info (this is needed if they do get a divorce). I am not saying this will happen, but my sister is going through this right now and if she is headed towards the big d he will not be ammicable later.

With that said, I am saddened by the ignorance or self centeredness of some people. My BIL also continued to lead a self-fulfilling life after the children were born. I think their parents forgot to teach them that you make sacrifices for your children. You are no longer the center of attention, all focus is on the children. And about the being fat, he got her in the situation, he could offer to take the kids regularly so she could have some workout time! I will pray for the strength of your sister, even if he does come around, she will have to learn to trust him again. Your sister will be devestated, weither it is now or later. You are doing her no favors by with holding the information and talking to the rest of the family

I see I may also be assuming things too. There is a slight possibility that it is not as bad as it seems. The only way to know is to confront the BIL. Pray that the Holy Spirit guides your actions and words so you do not let your emtions get the control and you say or do something you will regret.

 

[MKV]

Thank you, everyone. In regards to how my younger sister came about the emails… my bil does not usually log off from his email account and my younger sister admittingly opened his emails from other women (apparently the night before, my bil had up and went off to a bar, leaving his wife and children home with my mom and younger sister). The reason we spoke to my bil’s siblngs was to see if they would be willing to talk to my bil since they’re closer to him, which they weren’t. I’ve tried to contact the local priests but haven’t benn able to make an appointment yet.

My sister is usually very calm and collected, but has really been emotional lately- that’s why we’ve been hesistant to tell her. My younger sister found pics of another woman in his email and did tell my sister about that- but true to her nature, our sister just brushed it off stating that it’s probably a pic of my bil’s girlfriend.

Please keep praying for them.

 

[kp1]

Is she showing signs of post-partumn? With the stress of a new baby and no help from BIL, she could be. Also she might be suspecting all of this, and the new baby is sending her over board. Please talk to her about PPD, it is more common that people think! And it could take up to three years for her hormones to return to normal and stop the PPD.

Good Luck, and let the Holy Spirit Guide you!

 

[BOBKAT]

You know what I completely understand how you feel. I approached my bil about 2 years ago and ask him how is it that you are married to one sister and seemingly dating the other. Well he laughed and told me not to let his wife know or she would get mad. My family has been joking about his relationship with my youngest sister saying things like he has two wives and boy she is the richest poor girl I know. You see he keeps her. anyhow her son and my son got into some trouble concerning my bil in which he beat her child not to get into it I called my younger sister and told her that it’s looking like you and my bil are having an affair well she hung up and about two weeks later I get a call from my bil with his wife in the backround asking if and who was talking about the affair while I didn’t mention any names my younger sisters son would tell people and ofter his mom and my bil would go out alot because my other sister worked all the time. Anyhow needless to say none of them speak to me today was it worth it. I am not sure while he has denied it my sister has yet to call me and deny it. I could call my sister his wife and try to explain, but something inside me tells me not too that I may make things worse. The truth always prevails. So my advice to you is really weigh the situation and just be there for your sister and let her know that. I beleive that my bil loves both of my sisters and it is no secret that he takes care of the one who is not his wife and for some reason I am the only one who is really bothered by it. Since you are dealing with strangers keep close to your sister and let her know you will be there. Remember the right thing to do is always the hardest thing to do.

God Bless
I will say a prayer for your family
Kathleen