Need advice about Alzheimers

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Shay79

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My husband’s dad (I’ll call him “Louis”) is in what I would call the early to mid stages of Alzheimer’s. He lives on his own (my mother-in-law died last year), though it’s getting to the point where a doctor has advised the family that soon Louis will need a full-time caregiver.

My husband has one sibling, a sister. She offered to let Louis move in with her and her husband, but Louis doesn’t want to move out of his own home. The other alternative, then, is for my husband and I to move in with Louis. I say that us moving in with him is the other alternative because Louis wants to give the house to my husband at some point anyway, so it makes sense for us to sell our home now and move in with Louis rather than have Louis move in with us.

However, my husband gets very touchy (even angry) when I bring up this subject, and I’m not sure how to approach the matter. He agrees that “someday” we’ll move in with his dad, but he’s keeping things very undefined. I understand that having his dad go through something like this so soon after his (my husband’s) mother’s death is heart-wrenching. Perhaps my husband doesn’t want to consider the inevitable, but the doctor has point-blank said that Louis needs to have someone living with him, and soon, I don’t know what my husband’s hold up is. (There’s no history of abuse or anything of the sort; their family is reserved, but gets along well.)

Today I stopped at Louis’s house to drop off dinner and was appalled at the state of the living areas. The house smells. Half-eaten food fills the counters and cardboard boxes are stacked on top of the stove. Stuff is everywhere. It’s not quite a “Hoarders”-type of situation, but it’s getting close. I hadn’t been to the house in a few weeks, so this was definitely a shock to me. I want to broach the topic with my husband because we certainly can’t let his dad live in this type of environment, but I know I’ll probably get resistance and a snippy response again.

Can anyone who has gone through a similar scenario (or, really, anyone with insight) help me “unwrap” this situation and figure out what might be going on with my hubby? Or how I can engage him in a conversation that doesn’t end with him getting angry and shutting down? During our talks, I try to remain calm and non-confrontational, but that doesn’t seem to help. I’m truly baffled about why my husband doesn’t feel the need to take action on this, but because I’m an in-law I also don’t want to overstep my bounds. Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
 
It may just be that your husband doesn’t want to accept that his father is so unwell. My husband’s grandmother is toward the end stages of Alzheimer’s now, and it took.a very long time for his uncles to accept that she really needed additional care. They explained away obvious symptoms and said, “Oh, it can’t be THAT bad.” They were less involved in her care than my MIL so they didn’t see how much she was doing to keep the house clean, getting regular meals, make sure she took her meds, etc. It was easier for them to pretend she was just getting eccentric.

Does your husband ever visit him? I think if you’re involved to some degree in care giving you can express concerns. Did he hear the doctor’s advice?

I think what your husband is going through is very natural, but as you’ve seen it’s not going to help his father to continue denying reality.
 
Have you looked into Home Health Services which may be able to provide a Home Health Attendant for him?
 
Can your husband speak directly with the Doctor?
When you say “family” who all was there for this conversation?
The Dr. should be able to answer questions, deal with the obvious fears, and make recommendations that he will listen to.
It may go better coming from a professional and outsider to the family.
I’ll say a prayer.
 
It sounds like an uncomfortable conversation that needs to happen whether your husband gets snippy or not. Could you call a “family meeting” that involves your sister in law? Or maybe, if you are close, you can call your sister-in-law and get her on your husband’s case instead. I’m certain she doesn’t what her dad living that way and maybe if she states that he needs to do something or she will, that will get him going.
 
You have to know what your husband is thinking so one way or another you two are going to have to sit down and talk. There’s no way anyone can help you if you don’t know what’s going on. There can be plenty of reasons. I’d think the #1 reason would be fear. When men are afraid of something that usually means that they can’t figure out a way to fix it, and it vexes them. Sometimes, there are just some things you can’t fix, especially when it comes to something as painful as this situation.
 
Family pow-wow seems appropriate. His dad needs an advocate now. If hubby cannot be moved to action you need to enlist sister-in-law to help with his care. My brother was the same way when mom died and a few months later dad’s health declined. I could not count on him for nothing. My sister, however was the right hand to my left in my dad’s care. It’s been a year since his death and I still can’t figure out my brother’s lack of action. So don’t waste your time trying to figure your husband out, help his dad now.
 
My grandmother has been in a memory care facility for over two years now. My mother still struggles to accept the diagnosis in terms of what Grandma’s real life is. She is continually shocked and sad when Grandma doesn’t recognize her, calls her by the wrong name, can’t carry on a conversation and so on. It’s sad but at the same time, it doesn’t help and doesn’t change what is happening with her. We have to face difficult truths sometimes.

It’s a very hard transition for any adult child to make. That his/her parent is changing so significantly and will never be the same again. I agree with previous posters that a family meeting may help. In fact, I’d suggest making it in your father in law’s house to drive home the point that the house and he both need help.

It isn’t safe for him to be home alone. My grandmother started leaving water running, caused a flood once. She left lights on and doors unlocked. Thankfully she never really used her stove the last year she lived in an apartment. But there are dangers all around.
Best of luck to your family. Prayers said.
 
I’ve been there with my grandmother and it was a complicated situation due to many factors that I will not go into. In short, we worked with the social workers with the local medical clinic (CLSC if anyone is from Quebec, Canada) who helped us help my grandmother get the help she needs.

In this type of situation, you need to step cautiously. If your husband is in denial, respect where he is. I would speak with you husband’s sister and find out what she thinks about the situation. Then it might be a good idea to speak with a social worker and see what type of community help is available to your father-in-law. In Quebec, we had all kinds of services which helped us tremendously such as we had a nurse visit several times a week to give my grandmother a bath and we had someone come in and clean the place a few times a week. Most of these services were covered by the province’s healthcare system so that helped us tremendously.

That said, before proceeding, make sure you take pictures and document everything. I cannot stress that enough because it is these pictures will create the evidence you need when it comes to decisions about his health in the future. Furthermore if he ever falls, make sure he goes to the doctor and get pictures of those bruises. It was a bad fall that helped us get my grandmother into a nursing home.

Moreover, it’s important to realize that hoarding is part of the disease so when cleaning be careful of what you get rid of. I became an expert in getting rid of garage. I used to hide the stuff in the trunk of my car because putting the stuff in the garbage wasn’t enough because my grandmother would find it and put it back where we took it.

Each case is different so I suggest that you walk cautiously and get your information. Always ask questions and be prepared to hold your tongue and refrain from saying “I told you so.” It’s hard to be the only realistic person. There will be times when you will have to hold back and let the family come to their senses. Unfortunately he is only your father-in-law therefore you don’t have the same ability to make all of the decisions regarding your father in-law. It’s important to do your best and follow your limits because this disease only gets worse over time so its necessary to take care of yourself.

I would also watch out for any areas where he could get hurt. Photograph them and do what you can to prevent accidents from occurring. Such as if you are worried that he might leave the stove unattended, the family may have to come together to make his meals. You may have to shut the power off from the breaker that controls the stove and unplug the stove to prevent fires from happening. Depending on how bad he is or becoming, you may have to baby proof his house to keep him safe until a spot becomes available in a nursing home.

As great as the idea of moving in with him sounds, depending on his mental state, that may not be a good idea since Alzheimer’s patients tend to revert back to a time in their lives from the past. Your family living with him could cause him some problems and some stress to your marriage. Before you make any decisions, speak to the doctors and the social workers because they might be able to provide some alternative solutions.

If you have any questions, please message me and I’ll do my best to help you in anyway I can.

Good luck,

SG
 
I live in a retirement village, and we have Alzheimers occurring throughout our residents. one problem is people who don’t have family who can make decisions for them, so we have had cases where people who are incontinent and can no longer prepare food for themselves or even eat Meals of Wheels type prepared food, are difficult to put into care as they won’t sign the papers, and have nobody who can do it officially for them.

Has the gentleman made a Living Will, or given Enduring Power of Attorney to any family member?

My experience of my Mum not recognising me was that she expected me to be a slim dark haired teenager, and couldn’t recognise this fat, white haired old woman as her daughter. She did recognise my friend, who she had only known 5 years.

Do not put your family life in jeopardy for this. You both have to be totally willing AND ABLE to take the old man on full time. Not every Alzheimers patients is going to behave the same way. My mother was sweet and gentle in a slightly bewildered way. The man upstairs is violent and hits his wife, who is disabled.

You should be actively pursuing a position for him in care, right from the beginning - so you have a head start on the waiting lists. You can always change your mind and care for him yourselves,but do get a head start.
 
Falco said:
I live in a retirement village, and we have Alzheimers occurring throughout our residents. one problem is people who don’t have family who can make decisions for them, so we have had cases where people who are incontinent and can no longer prepare food for themselves or even eat Meals of Wheels type prepared food, are difficult to put into care as they won’t sign the papers, and have nobody who can do it officially for them.

Has the gentleman made a Living Will, or given Enduring Power of Attorney to any family member?

My experience of my Mum not recognising me was that she expected me to be a slim dark haired teenager, and couldn’t recognise this fat, white haired old woman as her daughter. She did recognise my friend, who she had only known 5 years.

Do not put your family life in jeopardy for this. You both have to be totally willing AND ABLE to take the old man on full time. Not every Alzheimers patients is going to behave the same way. My mother was sweet and gentle in a slightly bewildered way. The man upstairs is violent and hits his wife, who is disabled.

You should be actively pursuing a position for him in care, right from the beginning - so you have a head start on the waiting lists. You can always change your mind and care for him yourselves,but do get a head start.
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I think this is very wise advice.
Praying for all.
 
OP, I don’t know how often someone checks in on your FIL, but it needs to be done daily, preferably, more than once. You don’t say how close your home to his is located, but if someone could check on him, that would be better for the time being. Ideally, it would be your husband doing the checking because he will see firsthand how much his father should not be living alone.

At some time, your husband and his sister may need to place their father in a home. Even if you were to move in with him, it may still need to happen someday. It can be difficult on some people to have to be around someone with Alzheimer’s all the time. It can be frustrating and draining. It can be difficult. But it can also be a wonderful time as well.

Your husband may not want to see his father this way. He may be dragging his feet because he knows if he moves there, he will have to face the truth. You will need to decide who will be responsible for most of his care while at home, or bring in outside help.

As someone else said, your FIL needs to appoint a Power of Attorney and get his will etc., and wishes in order now if it is not already done. It is much better to do so now while he is in an earlier stage. Your husband should talk to an Elder law attorney about the transfer of your FILs house as well any other assets, and how it will affect FILs medical benefits etc.

My MIL lived alone for probably longer than she should have, but she was checked in on constantly, brought food, taken out, visited etc. the neighbors kept an eye on her too and knew about her. Eventually, it was time for her to move to a nursing home. She thought she was going to a facility until she got healthier. Was pretty angry when she found out she was staying there. We bring her over for dinner as we always did and visit her there. She still asks where she is and when she can go home. She probably asks us that 5 times in an hour because she forgets the answer. But she still recognizes us, and remembers family. She is safe and her meds are administered correctly and not skipped.

It is difficult, but it is all you can do sometimes.
 
Thank you so much to everyone for all the advice, perspectives, and prayers. I greatly appreciate it. Louis lives close enough to his family that someone is able to stop in every day, or at least every other day. Typically it’s my husband and his sister who stop in to prepare dinner, check that Louis has taken his medicine, etc. I’ve driven Louis to a few doctor’s appointments in the past week or two, but it had been several weeks since I’d actually been in his house, so I was taken aback by what I saw yesterday. I’m a “if something needs to be done, get it done” type of person, while my husband is more, shall we say, “relaxed” about timelines, so that dynamic is playing into this as well.

My sister-in-law is somewhat aware of the situation, but she’s been on her honeymoon for the past two weeks, so she hasn’t been to the house recently. However, this mess isn’t something that developed overnight, so she has to have some knowledge of it. She’s an absolute sweetheart, but she’s somewhat like my husband in that she doesn’t like confrontation or having to make difficult decisions. Plus, she’s still hurting a lot over her mother’s death, and I think that’s clouding her judgement in terms of getting the house back in order. For example, no one has moved any of my mother-in-law’s items out of the house yet, despite the fact that it’s been more than a year since her death. To my sister-in-law’s credit, however, she has become more accepting of the fact that things can’t remain as they are for much longer.

We’ve already had a few family meetings, but I think another one is in order, and I like the idea of having it at the house so that no one can deny what’s going on. The way I look at it, this is a stressful situation, certainly, but if we start confronting reality, making plans, and taking action, we can get everything under control. I realize that Louis isn’t my dad, so I don’t want to push too hard, but I also want to make sure he’s living in an environment that’s clean and safe.
 
Lots of good advice here. I would recommended The Complete Guide to Alzheimer’s-Proofing Your Home by Warner and Warner. It contains both practical tips for installation and routine, and also tips on behavior. (Example: why did the patient climb on the furniture? Answer: this disease changes depth perception in eyesight. The patient mistook the floor’s pattern for defects, such as a rotted floor or a floe of rotten ice. This makes the furniture look like a raft, rock, or other strong safe place. If the family replaces the flooring or even tacks down a solid-colored runner, the patient will see it as a safe bridge and cross over on it.)

Highly recommended.

It may also help in the sense that if the family finds even a book overwhelming, it’s a pretty strong signal that it’s time to hire help, or to help Dad move.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
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