Need advice about my aging widowed mother

[ridesawhitehors]

I am worried about my widowed and aging mother. She is 78, lives alone in a town that is growing increasingly scarier and more populated. My husband and I have no kids, and live 150 miles away in a very rural area. We are thinking about pressing her to move here, either in her own house in town, or we will put a manufactured home on the property.

Problems are: She would be leaving the town she has lived in for almost all her life. Her church is there, all her old friends, her doctor, her bank, ALL the contacts you make when you live in the same place for 78 years! I think she needs to move with us - and she will eventually need to move someday. And I worry about her driving in the city traffic… the crime where she lives, and her being lonely. My crummy brothers and sisters don’t visit her enough and they live nearby. She depends on me a lot for moral support.

If she moved here, my husband and I would be the only people she would know. She is kind of set in her ways and judgemental of other people she doesn’t know (I guess elderly people are like that sometimes). She is a Methodist and there is a nice Methodist Church here, and since I’m a Catholic we wouldn’t be going to church together.
There are huge adjustments she would have to make. I wonder if I am just thinking of myself and trying to satisfy my worry about her. She is pretty healthy and independent. I just don’t know what to do with her.

Does anyone have experience with aging widowed parents and what to do with them???

 

[puzzleannie]

you can make the offer and point out the pros and cons, but it is her decision. the more you insist the more she will fight you. if her health allows her to remain at home now, pay for someone to come in daily to clean etc. so she is checked up on every day. if her health or mental condition is such that soon other arrangements will be necessary, get a third party to help you and she explore options like assisted living, and how she should be structuring her finances should. heaven forbid, nursing home become necessary in the future. Perhaps her church or senior center offers workshops on this topic you could take her to. Good luck. if everybody affected is not 100% happy about her coming to live with you it will be a disaster.

 

[Faithful_2_Rome]

Bottom line…HER decision. I LOVE the idea of you placing a manufactured home on your property! When you address this with her…dont tell her what she SHOULD DO…just bring it up in conversation and tell her about that extra home for sure. If she is a Church goer and can still drive then fine…but if she has relied on friends to take her to Church be prepared to now take her to a Methodist Church and possibly change your own Church time around to suit her needs…if you dont and she moves by you…she’ll never forgive ya.

 

[chicago]

Any chance you could move closer to her, instead?

 

[SweetPea]

I was wondering the same thing.

 

[monica_fan]

I can’t offer any better advice then what you have been given, but I can offer this prayer that I have been praying lately for my elderly parents. It’s from the Marian prayer book:

Lord, seeing my parents age has been hard for me. I struggle to retain my view of them as they were when I was young. They seemed so strong and invincible, able to work endlessly, to love completely, to give selflessly. I made demands of them then, as does any growing child, sometimes being unreasonable, unappreciative, and selfish. Now the tables are turned. My parents seem set in their ways, unwilling to bend much, unable to give much. Their bodies are weakened and their energy limited. This is my time to demonstrate my love for them-- to overlook their moods and comments, to respect their insistence on doing things their way. I pray for my parents, my lifelong friends. May they find your solace and strength within them. In the name of Your mother, Mary, I pray that all of us-- spouses, children, and relatives-- who never knew my parents as they were. Help us to love the elderly in the understanding, undemanding way You love each of us.

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

Riders have you thought of assisted living in that city your mother lives in? they are not nursing homes.
by the way, I think it’s admirable you are concerned about your mother. Today I don’t know folks have no loyalty to their parents.

 

[ridesawhitehors]

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words.
You are right, it needs to be her decision without pressure. I just want her to know she is welcome with us. She is the kind who thinks she is a bother… she is sometimes a little dramatic.
I do however want her to be thinking about the transition from independent to semi-independent, and her options.
Someone mentioned moving nearer to her. It just isn’t an option really. But if she needed me I’d be there in a minute.

Also ` Monica fan - thank you for the prayer.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

ridesawhitehors:

I think she needs to move with us - and she will eventually need to move someday.

You can’t predict the future, so you don’t know that. In general, pulling up stakes and leaving your church, friends, and home is a major stress at any age, let alone at 78.

I’m sure she’ll be pleased and touched to hear that you would find having her living nearer to you a positive pleasure, whether she takes you up on it or not.