Need advice about sister's relationship

[sweetkaroline]

I am a practicing Catholic, as is my husband. I grew up in a Protestant home, and converted via RCIA about 12 years ago.
My sister is re-entering a relationship with a man I do not like, at all. I never liked him the first time around, but just dealt with it bc she is an adult and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, keep the peace etc. Their relationship the first time around was tumultuous. He “borrowed” money from her, was one to try to isolate her from her family, and during the course of their one year relationship they performed two abortions. He lives two hours away from her, and the relationship ended when he refused to parent a child unless she moved to his town, otherwise she would be on her own. Despite my best efforts to convince her otherwise, she decided to abort the baby (I didn’t know about the first abortion until she became pregnant again, and she told me).
Now he is back in her life, full of apologies etc. I can’t stand him, and I don’t want to be in his presence for one moment. He has always been a very manipulative person in regards to my sister, and she never saw that aspect. I had words with him at the end of their relationship, basically begging him to do the right thing by his child and my sister. I can’t fathom how she can allow him back into her life. Then shortly after reuniting with him, his ex-girlfriend is saying SHE is now pregnant and going to have the child (which is a blessing). My sister and her BF feel she is lying. But seriously this is what the beginning of her relationship starts as? My word! My sister is upset with me and my mother, and basically cut us off bc we don’t want to be in the presence of this person, and is cutting us out of her life. She insists that for her to spend Christmas with us he has to be there too, and I just can’t be in the same room with him without a huge argument taking place. My husband and I are currently expecting our 3rd baby, and I am trying to keep my stress to a minimum. I know Jesus calls us to forgive, but are we aren’t called to repeatedly make the same mistakes and never learn from them. I am just looking for some advice from some Catholic folks. WWYD? Thanks for reading this.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, not so much on the “I know Jesus calls us to forgive, but are we aren’t called to repeatedly make the same mistakes and never learn from them” part.

*Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times? Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times. That is why the kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount. Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt. At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.’ Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan. When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount. He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ But he refused. Instead, he had him put in prison until he paid back the debt. Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair. His master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?’ Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt. So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart.” *Matt. 18:21-35

That parable is about someone who keeps sinning against you personally. Your sister is not doing that. She is the primary one who is suffering from her bad choices. If she’s putting you through anything, it is a fraction of what she puts herself through. Note: It is not your job to control what mistakes she makes or what her duty is. Your job is to consider your duties and what mistakes you want to avoid yourself.

That is not to say that you have to invite just everybody in the world to your house for Christmas. Note that the parable is about someone who admits having done wrong and who wants forgiveness. It is not about people who brazenly sin against you and do not care if they offend you.

Certainly, if this fellow is belligerent, he does not deserve to be invited until he has shown at lesser occasions that he can behave himself. You do, however, have to do you part. You are not obliged to corner your relatives or other guests on Christmas Day and remind them of all of their failings or tell them how their behavior disappoints you.

So what about those who brazenly sin against you and do not care if they offend you? Those are called enemies, and we are commanded to love them, too–to be patient, kind, never rude, and all the things Paul talked about in his letter to the Corinthians. That does not mean that we may not call an offense what it is, when it affects us. We are allowed to enforce boundaries and we ought to turn others from their bad behavior when we can.

So what would I do? I’d tell my sister I only have the social grace to endure the father of her child for so long without saying something that no one wants me to say, but that I would be willing to get together for a limited amount of time with him over the holidays, if she insists, if that is the price of seeing her. Whether that is on Christmas Day or not is something we’d have to work out between us.

Those would be my boundaries if I were in the situation you describe, though. That isn’t the best or worst way to handle what you’re describing, but what I would try to manage myself under the circumstances. I would make that clear to her: I’m not trying to be right. I’m trying to do what I can do. She might hope for better or someone else might hope for better, but we each have to do what we think we can do and try to find a place to meet in the middle within that. One hopes that is exactly what we would do if we were indeed saints, but sometimes it does not work that way. Sometimes the best we can do is to prevent the unattainable perfect from becoming the enemy of the attainable good.

If you ever bring up her abortion, bring it up in the context of a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat. They are designed to help women who have had an abortion get beyond them. They each have a priest who has permission to forgive the sin of abortion, and the rest of the experience is meant to provide healing for the harm that the abortion did to the mother. (I think they do have them for fathers, too, but those are less common.)

 

[Xantippe]

I think it’s most important to preserve your relationship with your sister, as she’s going to need you sooner or later. You don’t need to give big speeches to her about how he’s doing her wrong, but try to figure out how to help her draw that conclusion herself. There’s also a really good secular advice-giving forum at Dear Wendy which might be exactly what she needs.

dearwendy.com/forums/forum/get-advice-give-advice/

The formatting is currently kind of screwed up, but it’s a great forum. There are a lot of women out there in exactly your sister’s shoes.

With regard to the pregnant (or maybe not?) ex-girlfriend, just suggest a paternity test whenever the subject comes up. Given boyfriend’s track record, I’m betting she is pregnant and he is the father.

 

[EasterJoy]

With regards to him, I think the main thing is to stress that it is the treatment of her, not the person, who bothers you. “You love him, I want you to be happy together, but that requires both of you to give to the relationship. To really have him, he has to step up. I hope he does that, some day. Really. There is nothing I would like better than to see you living happily with the man you choose. When the time comes that he does right by you, then he will be alright by me.” IOW, if the day comes that he does step up and do right, let it be known that no one will be happier about it than you. Should you be so quick to trust? No, but you should be willing to believe your sister can decide for herself who she will trust. If she is wrong, don’t say “I told you so.” Instead, say “Anyone who trusts enough will trust someone not worthy of it, sooner or later. Learn from it, sure, but don’t beat yourself up about it.”

As far as the “ex” girlfriend who is pregnant, it is telling that the boyfriend doesn’t know it is simply impossible that the child is his. If he had not been sleeping with her, he would not “think” she was lying. He would *know *she was. If he isn’t sure, then whether or not the child is actually his would be less important to me than that he or she could have been his, that he was sleeping around on me after “reuniting”.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I am a practicing Catholic, as is my husband. I grew up in a Protestant home, and converted via RCIA about 12 years ago.
My sister is re-entering a relationship with a man I do not like, at all. I never liked him the first time around, but just dealt with it bc she is an adult and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, keep the peace etc. Their relationship the first time around was tumultuous. He “borrowed” money from her, was one to try to isolate her from her family, and during the course of their one year relationship they performed two abortions. He lives two hours away from her, and the relationship ended when he refused to parent a child unless she moved to his town, otherwise she would be on her own. Despite my best efforts to convince her otherwise, she decided to abort the baby (I didn’t know about the first abortion until she became pregnant again, and she told me).
Now he is back in her life, full of apologies etc. I can’t stand him, and I don’t want to be in his presence for one moment. He has always been a very manipulative person in regards to my sister, and she never saw that aspect. I had words with him at the end of their relationship, basically begging him to do the right thing by his child and my sister. I can’t fathom how she can allow him back into her life. Then shortly after reuniting with him, his ex-girlfriend is saying SHE is now pregnant and going to have the child (which is a blessing). My sister and her BF feel she is lying. But seriously this is what the beginning of her relationship starts as? My word! My sister is upset with me and my mother, and basically cut us off bc we don’t want to be in the presence of this person, and is cutting us out of her life. She insists that for her to spend Christmas with us he has to be there too, and I just can’t be in the same room with him without a huge argument taking place. My husband and I are currently expecting our 3rd baby, and I am trying to keep my stress to a minimum. I know Jesus calls us to forgive, but are we aren’t called to repeatedly make the same mistakes and never learn from them. I am just looking for some advice from some Catholic folks. WWYD? Thanks for reading this.

If you have questions about forgiving someone, I would talk to your priest. We are not obliged to be someone’s doormat, I do know that.

Also, your first duty is to your unborn and your husband, not an adult sister who cannot learn from her own mistakes.

From what you say, this guy sounds like nothing but trouble. If she really wants someone like that and the price for not accepting it is cutting you out, I don’t see much else you can do really. Relationships are a two-way street.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You will never win against a serious significant other. Never. Trying to do so will only damage or ruin your relationship with your sister.

Your only choices really are deciding that you will not be around this man, at the cost of your relationship with your sister. Or, you decide that you can get over your (justified it seems) feelings long enough to be cordial and get through dinner.

 

[Xantippe]

BlueEyedLady said:

“You will never win against a serious significant other. Never. Trying to do so will only damage or ruin your relationship with your sister.”

Right. Never make her choose between you and him. Keep the lines of communication open with your sister and try not to contribute to a situation where it’s these two crazy kids who love each other against a cruel, cruel world that doesn’t understand.

It might be helpful to try to encourage your sister to think about non-boyfriend parts of her life. How is her career doing? Is there a class she might take? Are there any hobbies or interests that have been lying fallow? There are often some very good classes offered inexpensively at the community college–you might want to browse the catalog together over a cup of coffee. The larger her social circle is and the more contact she has with kind, civilized people and the more she has going for her, the more likely it is that she will move on from her relationship with her boyfriend.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

Your sister is lost and needs love and lots of it…I will pray for you.

This. This. This. Monicad’s entire post!!!

I have been that sister. On some level she knows she’s doing wrong. The severity will hit her later.

:hug1:

C.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Also, your first duty is to your unborn and your husband, not an adult sister who cannot learn from her own mistakes.

From what you say, this guy sounds like nothing but trouble. If she really wants someone like that and the price for not accepting it is cutting you out, I don’t see much else you can do really. Relationships are a two-way street.

I agree with this. If this situation is stressing you out, you should avoid things that could upset you. You must prioritize your baby.

Also, you can’t sort out your sister’s life. This guy is her choice. Seriously, if this is what she wants there is no way you can talk her out of it. But you are not obliged to witness further damage either. Taking a step back is a wise thing to do imo.