Need advice again-please help

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grumpygusguy

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Its been awhile since I posted last so just to get people up to speed I was having issues with my brother because I felt abandoned when he got a serious girlfriend so I snubbed her and then he didnt want me in his wedding.

Anyway you guys gave me the advice to apologize and talk to him explaining that I need more us time. I did, and I thought he was good with it. The day after we talked I called him and asked him if he wanted to see one of our favorite bands. He agreed and I looked forward to it. A week before the concert I found out that they both got tickets and that she was coming too. So the concert was a disappointment and I felt like a third wheel. The next day I talked to him and he said he assumed that I meant both of them should come. When I explained that I was hoping it would just be us he said he was sorry but he wont go to something like that and not invite her. If I want to spend time with just him hes fine with dinner occasionally but if its anything bigger she will always be welcome. I feel pretty hurt but before I said anything more or talked to them again I wanted some outside advice to see if Im out of line and this is normal or if I have a right to feel bad.
 
Did they get married? Or are they still engaged?

Either way, he’s got a lady in his life now. You’re going to have to welcome her, or get used to not seeing him often, if ever. Doesn’t seem as though you’ve made much progress with this issue.

🤷
 
They get married in June.

I think I’ve made a lot of good progress. I had a really long honest talk with my brother and patched things up, I apologized to her, and the three of us hung out a lot at Thanksgiving with no awkwardness. They even had me over for dinner a couple weeks ago.

But lots of people, even you agreed that I should be able to have some one on one time with my brother, and when I talked to him he said that would be fine. But now Im hearing that we cant to anything more than a quick dinner. So no just us day trips, camping, concerts, or sports games. That’s what Im asking about now, if thats normal or if other married/engaged people do things with their families from time to time alone.
 
It’s pretty rare that I see any of my siblings without my husband. It’s also rare for me to see my (married) brother without his wife. When it does happen, usually it is because one or the other spouses is unavailable, not at all because they are unwelcome.

I think you really need to keep working on being comfortable with the idea that this woman is going to be in your life forever. I do remember your other post, and it sounds like you have made some progress by talking with your brother. Now, don’t move backwards. While I am sure you were disappointed in not being able to go to the concert alone with your brother, I hope that you did not show it and were kind and gracious to your soon-to-be-sister in law.

Things change when people get married- that is the reality. Are there any hobbies that both you and your brother share but that his fiancee does not? If so, share those things with him, but if not, learn to share them with her too. It really does sound like you have some work to do in terms of letting go, and while it is normal to feel disappointed about it, it is also normal for your brother to want his fiancee to be a part of the family.
 
I remember when I was a engaged and a newlywed… ah those were the days. Buddy I don’t think I spent time with like, anybody else, besides her. Including my best friends. I guess my situation was a bit different from yours because I only saw my family at holiday times and breaks from school, so it was all blended together. (I got engaged in my senior year of college).

So yeah a couple times during those breaks I did things with just my younger brothers and sisters, but generally my then-fiancee would join. She was basically family at that point too!

I think if I ever lived near my family post-wedding I would have spent time with my younger brothers and did some things with them, but honestly, once he gets married the two become one flesh you know? She at least should be invited along. Maybe after some time and a normalization of relationships she’ll realize that maybe you as brothers just want to go fishing for an afternoon and not have the womenfolk around so she’ll decline the invitations. But he’s gotta make those invitations man! Or else there’s potential trouble on the homefront.

I think he’ll find out that she’ll get quite bored with him if he doesn’t go off to do some manly stuff from time to time. I get grief from my wife for being home too much and not taking our son out to do something manly or hanging out with a friend in the evenings. She was pretty pumped when I told her that I was having a buddy over next week to watch the MMA title fight and that women were somewhat discouraged from being around. Imagine that!

But we’ve been married five years now and started dating a few months short of seven years ago. We had our whirlwind start with two young kids and now we want to find our own identities as people in the community, you know? We are comfortable with our identity as a couple, but now we want to rediscover ourselves as individuals a bit. That kind of thing just takes time to happen. You’ve gotta let them become strong as a unit before they can feel comfortable enough to rediscover themselves as individuals.
 
I think different people are different. I’ve known some people who are more like your brother who simply stay with their spouse all the time once they marry. They don’t answer phone calls as quickly, and it’s almost impossible to have time alone with them. Not as severe as a sibling, but this happened to me when one of my close female friends married before I did. I did feel a sense of abandonment that I couldn’t confide in her as I did earlier. But the worse thing to do in this kind of situation is to pressure that person. We just can’t make someone behave how we want them to. If he doesn’t want to really hang out without his wife, that’s really his choice.

It’s obvious how much you love your brother. This is a very difficult transition for you, and I believe that you will become more used to things as time goes on. I hope you keep coming back to give us updates.
 
I haven’t seen my brother without his wife in 5 years, except for once we grabbed coffee when she was at home sick. I would never, ever dream of inviting him anywhere without her. They are both busy people and any time they get they want and deserve to spend together. She’s a fantastic woman and I am so happy for them.

I’m surprised you even get dinner with him alone, and you should be grateful for that. I wouldn’t ask my brother to leave his wife at home to have dinner with me. There is absolutely no reason that she shouldn’t be welcome to come as well.
 
grumpygusguy said:
They get married in June.

I think I’ve made a lot of good progress. I had a really long honest talk with my brother and patched things up, I apologized to her, and the three of us hung out a lot at Thanksgiving with no awkwardness. They even had me over for dinner a couple weeks ago.

But lots of people, even you agreed that I should be able to have some one on one time with my brother, and when I talked to him he said that would be fine. But now Im hearing that we cant to anything more than a quick dinner. So no just us day trips, camping, concerts, or sports games. That’s what Im asking about now, if thats normal or if other married/engaged people do things with their families from time to time alone.
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I think there are often stages many stages within relationships.
It is VERY NORMAL for an engage couple to want to do EVERYTHING together. That’s where they are in life - that’s where they SHOULD BE in life. Yes, I think it would be best if you took a deep breath and understood that this isn’t abnormal, nor should you take this personally - as if your brother is truly trying to avoid YOU… this is normal.
After a while within marriage, many couples start to deal with balancing together time as well as time alone with their own friends… all of which varies within personalities to some certain extent. It can be very normal and healthy for men to have a night out together with their friends, or go camping or hunting “with the guys” - again taking into account family culture and personalities here. And girls often like to have a “girls night out” for movies and a drink… or to get pedicures or something girly…
All of this is very normal, but often comes a little later in time, once the relationship “settles” (for lack of a better word).

What I’m saying is - don’t blow up over this. He’s still your brother - he’ll always be your brother. He may really want to have a night/weekend out with the guys sometime in the future… so don’t hurt feelings or burn bridges in the process. This is very normal for young couples to only want to spend time together as a couple.
 
grumpygusguy said:
They get married in June.

I think I’ve made a lot of good progress. I had a really long honest talk with my brother and patched things up, I apologized to her, and the three of us hung out a lot at Thanksgiving with no awkwardness. They even had me over for dinner a couple weeks ago.

But lots of people, even you agreed that I should be able to have some one on one time with my brother, and when I talked to him he said that would be fine. But now I’m hearing that we cant to anything more than a quick dinner. So no just us day trips, camping, concerts, or sports games. That’s what I’m asking about now, if that’s normal or if other married/engaged people do things with their families from time to time alone.
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It is pretty normal. Big events they will want to do together. One on one time with you will most likely be dinner or something small rather than the big events in life.

Yes, you are his brother, but she is number one in his life.
 
Em_in_FL said:
I think there are often stages many stages within relationships.
It is VERY NORMAL for an engage couple to want to do EVERYTHING together. That’s where they are in life - that’s where they SHOULD BE in life. Yes, I think it would be best if you took a deep breath and understood that this isn’t abnormal, nor should you take this personally - as if your brother is truly trying to avoid YOU… this is normal.
After a while within marriage, many couples start to deal with balancing together time as well as time alone with their own friends… all of which varies within personalities to some certain extent. It can be very normal and healthy for men to have a night out together with their friends, or go camping or hunting “with the guys” - again taking into account family culture and personalities here. And girls often like to have a “girls night out” for movies and a drink… or to get pedicures or something girly…
All of this is very normal, but often comes a little later in time, once the relationship “settles” (for lack of a better word).

What I’m saying is - don’t blow up over this. He’s still your brother - he’ll always be your brother. He may really want to have a night/weekend out with the guys sometime in the future… so don’t hurt feelings or burn bridges in the process. This is very normal for young couples to only want to spend time together as a couple.
Click to expand...
I think that depends on the couple, and it isn’t something that the OP should necessarily count on. My fiance and I have all of the same friends. All of my friends are guys and FH fit in with them right away. His friends adored me from the get go, and now I have a close relationship with them independent of him. I don’t think that either of us has seen our friends alone in 2 years, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. My brother and SIL have been together for 6 years and they are the exact same way. Once again, I don’t see it changing. Like us they have a million mutual interests and hobbies and very few that aren’t shared.

If it works out the way you’re talking about the OP should be fine, but if it doesn’t he’s going to have to get used to the fact that his brother is now a half of a whole.
 
grumpygusguy said:
They get married in June.

I think I’ve made a lot of good progress. I had a really long honest talk with my brother and patched things up, I apologized to her, and the three of us hung out a lot at Thanksgiving with no awkwardness. They even had me over for dinner a couple weeks ago.

But lots of people, even you agreed that I should be able to have some one on one time with my brother, and when I talked to him he said that would be fine. But now Im hearing that we cant to anything more than a quick dinner. So no just us day trips, camping, concerts, or sports games. That’s what Im asking about now, if thats normal or if other married/engaged people do things with their families from time to time alone.
Click to expand...
Camping? No. An entire day trip? No again. A concert, he also wants her to be there with him. Sports games…in the future, maybe. Or, maybe not.

The more you press him for one-on-one time, the more he’s going to feel as if you are purposely trying to exclude your soon-to-be sister-in-law. Put yourself in his place. That may be hard for you to do, but try.

I have to say this, please don’t think I’m being cruel. But you still sound so jealous that your brother has found someone to love and be his lifetime partner, his wife. Why not pray that you will start to view her as the sister you never had?
 
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