Need advice and prayers please

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carmelitenovice

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Hi:
I need advice and prayers for forgiving and forgetting past hurts from in-laws.

While I sincerely believe they don’t intend to do it, I’ve been frequently feeling rejected by them. Here are some scenarios:

*We go on family outings (camping trips etc.) and except for the times when I actively try to engage them (“Hi. How are you doing? How’s work? Great game last night, eh?”), they do not engage me in conversation at all – for entire weekends. I’ve taken to calling those outings my silent retreat.

*Previously our children attended a small school district while our nieces and nephews attended a far larger district. One relative made repeatedly snippy comments about how superior her district was. We’ve since switched to homeschooling – no comments yet, but the attitude is palpable.

*I leave phone messages, private facebook messages, emails for specific family members and never hear a response. I post things on facebook (both inane, innocuous things and a bit more important posts) they never respond. Ever. In fact, the reason, I am writing this now is it has happened again: I left a phone message and a facebook message to three of these inlaws and never heard anything. One of them was for a potential job lead and the other concerning a hard-to-find Christmas gift they usually give the family matriarch. I found the item and wanted to give them a heads up to make it easier on them.

*At one point, one of my inlaws invited our household to join a certain educational program for our kids. I declined, citing our very heavy schedule. Another relative snorted, “Why, you don’t do anything.” (I admit, that’s the comment of theirs that hurt the most for a variety of reasons.)

As I said, I don’t think they mean to hurt me. I think it’s thoughtlessness. I can’t think of anything I’ve done to hurt them. So I suck it up and don’t say anything in order to avoid a rift.(I feel that anything I say will only make things worse.) My husband knows how I feel in general and he’s not the type to rock the boat. I know I can be oversensitive but I can’t seem to stop dwelling on this. I’m rehearsing in my head what to say next time I run into them (likely Thanksgiving but possibly sooner with a family birthday and a possible funeral coming up). I’m trying to think up things to say that would be charitable, but honestly sometimes I think of blurting out what I really feel.

Please pray for me. Any advice you may have as to how to handle this charitably would be greatly appreciated.
 
Since these are your in-laws, if anything is going to be said to them about the way they treat you – and it should be – it has to come from your husband. He needs to man up and tell them that the way they are treating his wife is not acceptable. And if they continue, you (both!) should start limiting the time you spend with them and the amount of communication you do.

I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s often the only way to deal with people like this.
 
To remain silent about the issue is not going to solve it, if anything you might start resenting your in laws. Talk to your husband once again about how the whole situation makes you feel and hint that he should talk to them to try to solve the situation. Until then, just avoid any communication with them unless it’s really necessary.
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
You are living the sorrowful mysteries. So sorry. I will pray for you. God will have to give you supernatural insight and grace. But it still hurts and it is real. God bless you.
 
Sacrifice prayer: Oh my Jesus, it is for love of thee, for the conversion of sinners and in reparation for the sins committed against the Immaculate heart of Mary. Amen
This prayer should be prayed silently and often throughout the day. The involuntary sacrifices are numerous. A suggestion from my confessor for those we cannot see the face of Christ in is this: “lift these people up in prayer”.
Blessings!
 
carmelitenovice said:
Hi:
I need advice and prayers for forgiving and forgetting past hurts from in-laws.

While I sincerely believe they don’t intend to do it, I’ve been frequently feeling rejected by them. Here are some scenarios:

*We go on family outings (camping trips etc.) and except for the times when I actively try to engage them (“Hi. How are you doing? How’s work? Great game last night, eh?”), they do not engage me in conversation at all – for entire weekends. I’ve taken to calling those outings my silent retreat.

*Previously our children attended a small school district while our nieces and nephews attended a far larger district. One relative made repeatedly snippy comments about how superior her district was. We’ve since switched to homeschooling – no comments yet, but the attitude is palpable.

*I leave phone messages, private facebook messages, emails for specific family members and never hear a response. I post things on facebook (both inane, innocuous things and a bit more important posts) they never respond. Ever. In fact, the reason, I am writing this now is it has happened again: I left a phone message and a facebook message to three of these inlaws and never heard anything. One of them was for a potential job lead and the other concerning a hard-to-find Christmas gift they usually give the family matriarch. I found the item and wanted to give them a heads up to make it easier on them.

*At one point, one of my inlaws invited our household to join a certain educational program for our kids. I declined, citing our very heavy schedule. Another relative snorted, “Why, you don’t do anything.” (I admit, that’s the comment of theirs that hurt the most for a variety of reasons.)

As I said, I don’t think they mean to hurt me. I think it’s thoughtlessness. I can’t think of anything I’ve done to hurt them. So I suck it up and don’t say anything in order to avoid a rift.(I feel that anything I say will only make things worse.) My husband knows how I feel in general and he’s not the type to rock the boat. I know I can be oversensitive but I can’t seem to stop dwelling on this. I’m rehearsing in my head what to say next time I run into them (likely Thanksgiving but possibly sooner with a family birthday and a possible funeral coming up). I’m trying to think up things to say that would be charitable, but honestly sometimes I think of blurting out what I really feel.

Please pray for me. Any advice you may have as to how to handle this charitably would be greatly appreciated.
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As I see it they DO mean to offend you. I put up with the same sort of behavior from an inlaw to “keep the peace” for years and years. I’m sorry that it took so long for me to put my foot down. If I were you I’d tell my hubby that I’m through with those people unless and until things change.

Annie
 
The non-responding is really rude. It also may be that they just don’t feel like they have a lot in common with you. The school stuff sounds like that relative feels like they’re competing with you, which is terrible from a relative.

I think I would back off on optional contact (FB and emails) and reconsider whether or not you really want to go on these family camping trips. They sound terrible. Then do your best with Christmas and birthdays and other non-optional events.
 
If this applies to your situation…Sometimes just going along with endless bad behavior can be in one sense, enabling it, enabling unChristian behavior. Trying too hard and thereby ‘allowing’’ the rude and unChristian behavor is giving the family a platform to continue making a point of being insulting and unChristian…if this is what is happening.

If you are being cold-shouldered deliberately, it is possible that if you address it, there could be open hostility which would make everything worse. As has been suggested your husband is the one who should defend his wife courteously but firmly.

As also has suggested, you’ve tried so hard, maybe it’s time to step back a little and stop making extra effort, and make yourself less available.

For all we know, your husband’s family might interpret your friendliness and outreach as too much, as too friendly, interpreted by them as intrusive. That doesn’t mean it is, of course not, but some families are a law unto themselves.

If you back off and be strong in your own self, and even in family events, just quietly concentrate primarily on your children and your own quiet thoughts even in company to some extent, just listen more without contributing unless addressed, and maybe in time the family will draw you in more. For myself, I’m afraid I would automatically withdraw if I genuinely believed I wasn’t really wanted. You are more generous, but that isn’t necessarily all the answer.

You are generous beyond reproach to imagine there wasn’t hostility and rudeness where you mention that "At one point, one of my inlaws invited our household to join a certain educational program for our kids. I declined, citing our very heavy schedule. Another relative snorted, “Why, you don’t do anything.” (I admit, that’s the comment of theirs that hurt the most for a variety of reasons.) That *was *hostile and rude.

Perhaps your husband’s family culture lacks the sensitivities and compassion and understanding of others that we hope for when we marry into a family, and perhaps won’t change. Your husband you mention, will not stand up for you so he also is cowed by his family and knows it isn’t wise to cross them, so what that leaves, is protect yourself by reasonably avoiding contact. You perhaps can never do ‘right’ by this family whatever you choose to do, but do need to protect yourself and possibly your children whom you do not wish to take on your in-laws’ ways, nor to be hurt by their insensitivity.

It’s impossible to be sure unless we were able to observe the dynamics, so just a few thoughts.

God bless you and your family.
Kind wishes,
Trishie
 
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