Need advice: child support and out of state ex

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ABsitively

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First, the child support is not for my child but for his older sister. My son’s just been put in the middle by everyone (even me, I’m afraid)

Recently, my son’s uncle sent me an e-mail telling me that my son’s dad was planning to move across the country. Furthermore, I would probably be getting a request from my ex-MIL to keep it a secret from his oldest child. Sure enough, she did call and talked to my son(he’s 13). First thing she said was Don’t tell your sister this and then she invited him to a going away party for his father.

The reason she doesn’t want my son to tell his sister is because his sister’s mother is still trying to get my ex to pay child support regularly for her daughter. My ex-MIL is afraid that she will take him to court to prevent him from moving out of state.

I am angry that she has inserted herself between my son and his sister and dismayed that she is still providing cover for her 37 year old son.

I also care very much about my son’s sister as she was almost my stepdaughter at one point in time (12 years ago) and I want to see the right thing done for her sake

What course of action should I take?
  1. Encourage my son to tell his sister anyways.
  2. Tell my Ex-MIL that I don’t want her interfering between my son and his sister and that it’s not necessary for my son to abide by a directive that I deem unfair.
  3. Report my ex to the courts myself without involving my son
Any help is appreciated!
 
Stay out of it!!🙂

At the same time tell your ex to keep your son out of it too.
 
A child has a right to know where her father is. if there is a court order for Child Support, the wages should be garnished…where ever he lives, out of state, out of country inmost cases. You need not be anywhere involved. The courts should handle it. He has to report his income. When she finds out he has moved… all payments get backdated to the move away.

Secrets are seldom good things to keep…
A Good rule of thumb for kids, and adults - A good secret is kept for a little while as a hapy surprise, like presents, You always tell good secrets eventually…We should never keep bad secrets. Always tell a trusted adult and they will help you know when to tell your secret.
 
mommybug- OK, I agree that a child has a right to know where her father is. I am trying to do the right thing. How is my son’s sister or her mom going to find out he’s moved if everyone is sworn to secrecy? I also feel that this may have been done to me when I was trying to get child support, so being on that side of things I KNOW it stinks. (My son no longer gets support because he was adopted by my husband. Saved me ALOT of headaches because my ex will do anything to get out of paying support)

forgiveall- It’s my ex’s MIL that is getting my son involved. Should I call her up and tell her to keep my son out of it
 
ABsitively said:
The reason she doesn’t want my son to tell his sister is because his sister’s mother is still trying to get my ex to pay child support regularly for her daughter. My ex-MIL is afraid that she will take him to court to prevent him from moving out of state.
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Let me get this straight, your MIL wants you and your son to enter into a conspiracy to allow the father to move out of state, thwarting a court order to pay child support to your son’s sister?

Well, if you say nothing, you are a member of that conspiracy.

Say something to the sister’s mother.

I am not a lawyer and shouldn’t play one on the interweb thing.
 
Don’t “just stay out of it”.

If the man intends to break the law, or manipulate the system, turn him in.

Then tell your MIL not to place your son in a position where he may need (or feel the need) to lie. Regardless of the situation.
 
What a terrible position to put your son in! MIL should be ashamed. As his mother, I do think it is your responsibility to call her and tell her to leave him out of this. Asking him to keep a secret from his sibling to protect his father’s wrongdoing is just wrong.

As for the sister’s mother, I can’t imagine not telling her. I would want someone to tell me if the situation were reversed.

Spend some time in prayer before you decide!
 
Thanks for the great advice! and for encouraging me to do in my heart what I know is the right thing!

Next question, should I tell my ex MIL that I am going to tell the sister’s mom or just go ahead and tell the sister’s mom without informing anyone first.

This is going to be a difficult conversation because my exMIL is very invested in protecting her son and not open to hearing this from me. I anticipate a period of friction from her after this in either case.

Also, am I right in thinking to keep my son out of this altogether? He feels that if he tells his sister, his Nana is going to be mad at him yet he understands that he would want to know if he was in his sister’s place. So he’s very torn.
 
ABsitively said:
Thanks for the great advice! and for encouraging me to do in my heart what I know is the right thing!

Next question, should I tell my ex MIL that I am going to tell the sister’s mom or just go ahead and tell the sister’s mom without informing anyone first.

This is going to be a difficult conversation because my exMIL is very invested in protecting her son and not open to hearing this from me. I anticipate a period of friction from her after this in either case.

Also, am I right in thinking to keep my son out of this altogether? He feels that if he tells his sister, his Nana is going to be mad at him yet he understands that he would want to know if he was in his sister’s place. So he’s very torn.
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I wouldn’t say anything to the xMIL about what you will do with the information you have. No need to even bring it up. I’m sure telling her to keep your son out of these conspiracy plans will be enough sparks for one conversation!

And yes… yes, yes, yes. I would keep my son out of it. He is not an adult, and this is an adult situation. A child should never be asked to be complicent in keeping an adult’s secret, nor asked to handle it. You’re his mother, and you are definitely right in your instincts!

Blessings!!!
 
Yes tell her to leave your child out of it. Your child doesn’t deserve to get mixed up in whatever he is doing. That’s not a good influence on your child

At the same time don’t get involved in the other side. Just stay out of it. If the other side asks if you have seen him or heard from him tell them that they need to ask your X-MIL. It’s better you don’t get involved.

God Bless
 
Thanks again!

I tried to call my exMIL last night but no answer and was not sure what to leave for a message. The weird thing was that I was sooo nervous about calling her when she is the one who put my son in the middle of all this in the first place.
I have not contacted the other mother. We’ve never been friendly (not for my lack of trying) and I am so much on the periphery of her life, it would be weird to contact her out of the blue. I know that I would want to know in her place but she has always cold-shouldered me so I’m not sure what sort of reception I would get by telling her. She also has no reason not to tell my Ex and his mother where she got the info from so I’m afraid it would cause further entanglements with MIL that I would rather not get caught up in.
One thing I did do was to inform the CSE agency of the information I knew through their TIP line. It feels like a shot in the dark but hopefully this will get to the right people.

Pray for me to have the right words when I do talk to xMIL!
 
Oh what a tangled web!

I’ve been in the same situation, with being asked to keep secrets or have my daughter keep secrets from me about her Father (the donor), my ex.

So many times throughout her life, I’ve had to step up and “be the bad guy” in all situations. We would discuss things and she would tell me what her wishes were and I would step up and take the brunt of it for her. That way, any situation that they tried to put her in, she had the excuse that her Mom would do stuff, and it was out of her control although it wasn’t that way at all.

You’re the Mom. Protect your son and above all be truthful with him and expect truthfulness from him. The rest of them? They don’t matter to you… let yourself take the blame so he’s not in the middle of it all.

In my case, they eventually stopped trying to put her in the middle of things.

in Christ
Steph
 
Thanks tundramom for sharing your experiences!

My son and I have had some long talks about this and I’ve let him know that the problem is out of his hands. He is quite relieved about that!

This episode is also showing him some character flaws of both his Nana and his dad. I never talk about them in a negative way while he’s around so it’s giving him a realistic view of this part of his family. He already has a realistic view of me, after all he lives with me 😉 !

Hopefully, he’s also learning that it is best to be honest and live a life where you don’t have to keep secrets.

He still wants me to talk to his Nana and hopefully I will have a chance to soon.
 
First of all, paying child support is not only a moral obligation but a legal one too. If you without information about the whereabouts of that man, couldn’t you get in trouble too? (just typing out loud here)

That being said, I would not go out of my way to tell anyone anything, you need to stay out of it. BUT, if someone asks you something, don’t lie to anyone. Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
 
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