Need advice developing confidence asking girls out and expressing myself

[walkinginthedesert]

My name is Arturo

This is actually my very first post here in Catholic Answers Forums using this account.

I am currently 25 years old. I am finishing my undergrad in history. Once I obtain this which I should do so in about 2-3 more semesters in university I plan on obtaining a full-time job and applying for a Masters in Theology program most likely with Holy Apostles via their distance education program as they are reputable and are cheaper than the other options that I have seen.

I am currently discerning marriage. I had been discerning the priesthood for a few years doing a few come and sees with the Norbertines and later the FSSP. For the past few years though I have seriously been considering marriage and I would like to believe that marriage is what I have been felt more attracted to and have been developing a longing for.

The only problem is that I have noticed that when it comes to asking someone (namely a woman) out I have been struggling with confidence and fear to the point of it being paralyzing. I have noticed that this is probably due to a few factors. 1) The first one is that I grew up being socially awkward due to a few environmental factors, 2) the second main factor is due to the fears associated with vulnerability and the fear of rejection taking these things as being personal, and the fear of losing friendship over this 3) the third factor is related and has to do to some extent with my temperament (melancholic) and particularly my personality INFJ which often times makes me extremely introverted and reserved, and when I do engage in conversations with others (which I can be sociable) nevertheless it tends to be more abstract and not necessarily in a personal way that really tries to get to know the other person through things like small talk and a true intent of getting to know the other person.

Is there any advice as to how I can overcome these things that seem like great stumbling blocks when it comes to asking people of the opposite sex out and letting them know how I truly feel? Particularly I think that my largely introverted and reserved nature, as well as my fears of rejection and allowing myself to be vulnerable, being the main obstacles to this.

I know that many times people say that the best thing is to simply will it. However, at least for me, I believe that this is usually easier said than done. I have been praying about this and have been attempting to do this but at least as of now, it’s been hard to get myself to do these things.

 

[Greenfields]

Hello ,and welcome to CAF
My little bit of advice would be to take part in some kind of prayer or church group,and just enjoy talking with men and women of all ages,no expectation of dating(hence no pressure) and just really familiarise yourself with being yourself outside of home.The best friendships come from being absolutely yourself and accepted as thus.
I’ll be remembering you at the mass.God bless.

 

[Irishmom2]

Welcome to CAF, Arturo!

In addition to Greenfields advice, I think that perhaps your number 2 reason may be the root cause of what is holding you back. I think that seeing a counselor may help you sort out the reason for your feelings of fear of rejection and melancholic tendenciesand give you skills for coping with them.

It does sound like you would benefit from further interaction with people, even in group settings such as volunteering or bible study for example, as a way to get comfortable making small talk with people. Once you are comfortable with that, it becomes easier to transfer that skill to a dating situation.

The right woman for you may be someone that will draw you outside of yourself, but still accept your introverted and reserved ways. There are women like that out there, never fear.

 

[FiveLinden]

I’d suggest talking to a professional counsellor, preferably a clinical psychologist. You’d go there for coaching. Many, many years ago, before you were born, I has quite a lot of success with dating but still remember being nervous about making the first move. My now-wife of 39 years turned me down for about six months, so perseverance can pay off also! As with all marketing (in this case, yourself), it is worthwhile thinking about your key messages. You may find it easier to say things a little obliquely, such as saying in a group situation: “I’m really enjoying this”, working up to “If you would ever like to go out, please let me know!”. I recommend against: Q: “Did it hurt?” A: When? : “When you fell from heaven, I can see you are an angel”!

 

[Edmundus1581]

I agree with all the previous advice.

I would like to add the recommendation that you treat this as a long term project. Don’t expect to become confident asking girls out within three months. I would propose one to two years as the realistic time frame to make the changes in your lifestyle (eg. meeting more people socially, expanding your interests) and behaviour (becoming more self-confident). This roughly ties in with the time frame for completing your studies - maybe you are thinking ahead well!

Also, remember that you are not looking to attract every girl, or even a majority, but only the ones who would interest you and who you would want to share your life with. There are plenty of shy, serious minded girls out there looking for a good Catholic man. Still, learning to lighten up a bit and do small talk, so as to be comfortable in a wide range of company, never goes astray.

Finally, if a man looks after himself physically (hygiene, dress and fitness) and has his own path in life, namely a promising career and some absorbing hobbies outside his career, then the opportunities will come. It’s more a matter of not messing them up by social awkwardness than pro-actively seeking liaisons. (I learned that the hard way!)

 

[HopkinsReb]

There are two components to getting up the nerve to ask a girl out: confidence in yourself, and being ok with rejection. So let’s tackle addressing each one in turn.

For confidence in yourself, first get yourself to the point where you feel like you’re worth saying “yes” to. Make sure you’re in good shape and well-groomed. Learn to be interesting. This doesn’t mean you have to change all your hobbies to be “cool” hobbies, but rather to talk about whatever hobbies you do have in an interesting way. And generally focus on being a good, well-rounded guy.

Handling rejection is the harder part. The simple fact of the matter is to remember that if she says no, you’ve lost nothing; before you asked you didn’t have a date, and now that you’ve asked you still don’t have a date. Big deal. So this one is simple: just start asking women out on dates. I’m not talking about a woman you’ve had a crush on for a while. Been talking to some girl in your class for five minutes while waiting for the prof? Ask her to get coffee. Chatted briefly with some girl in line for coffee? Ask her if she wants to see a movie. You’re not risking making a friendship weird, and you could end up having a really good time. View first dates as just a chance to hang out a little bit, joke around, and get to know each other, not a marriage audition.

Anyhoo, good luck. Just my thoughts there.

 

[goout]

You say you want to let opposite sex know how you feel.

Feelings are overrated. If you are not comfortable expressing your feelings, maybe you shouldn’t.
Be kind. Be gentle. Be a helper. Be a servant.
A good woman is looking for a man who will be a Christ figure, not someone with a lot of words and feelings. (feelings are good, but they have their proper place in self expression.)
The words will come, trust it. Your words will express your relationship with someone, but your words don’t make the relationship, and your words don’t define your relationship.
(I share your personality traits, and I have been quietly and wonderfully married for 30 years this year.)

Here are some words that are simple and easy. They show consideration and appreciation for the person and others.
“Can I get you a coffee?”
“Would you like to help us build a wheelchair ramp Saturday?”
“Thank you for helping set up that scripture class”.
“That was a great homily did you like it?”

And if you’re like most men, 90% of interactions don 't result in some great connection. But that’s not the point! The point is be kind, gentle, and serving for it’s own sake.

 

[walkinginthedesert]

Thank you for all of the replies. I will definitely take all of them into consideration and find ways to apply them.

Some of them I am trying or doing to some extent. The last few years I have been part of mostly 2 different young adult groups and have helped out a it in some areas. As of right now I am trying to put myself out of my comfort zone going to some young adult dance nights, and simply hanging out with a few friends of both sexes that I am really close too via social events.

These things have been helping me a lot over these last few years in being more social but I know that fear and allowing myself to be more outgoing in general are still some of the main struggles.