Need advice from parents/anyone

[Lea101]

Unfortunately while I was shifting my sister’s (13 years old) phone and things away, I saw that she had been watching porn.

This is obviously awkward for anyone in that situation, and I don’t intend on making this even more mortifying for her (by telling her I’ve seen it). I’m personally uncomfortable lol!

Quick family background: distant father who constantly emotionally abuses the both of us. Mother passed away.

she’s friends with people who are more liberal, and they promote stuff like this, and insult our family (because of our religious background). She obviously acts decent in our home and would pretend to be on the same page as us, as most teenagers tend to do.

I was just wondering if there’s anything I could do, besides praying. I have tried talking about the faith and moral issues, but I have made an effort to acknowledge the perspective of someone who disagree. Not sure what else to do.

 

[Francis]

@Lea101

she’s friends with people who are more liberal, and they promote stuff like this, and insult our family (because of our religious background).

Try to be close to her and pray together ,i mean bond well ,so that your good influence will be on her ,actions speak more that words ,at times she may look up to you, as an example ,how do you behave ,dress , pray? ,speak and conduct yourself, well ,in modest and temperament .am sure you both will do well as good Catholic ,keep praying for your Father ,we never know what he has been through ,did he receive love as a child ,he lost your mother ,job place problems etc ,Jesus knows them ,Jesus has a time to change people.

Romans 11:30 Just as you were once disobedient to God but have now received mercy because of their disobedience, 31 so they have now been disobedient in order that, by the mercy shown to you, they too may now receive mercy. 32 For God has imprisoned all in disobedience so that he may be merciful to all.

33 O the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!34 “For who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?”35 “Or who has given a gift to him,to receive a gift in return?”
36 For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen.

I was just wondering if there’s anything I could do, besides praying. I have tried talking about the faith and moral issues, but I have made an effort to acknowledge the perspective of someone who disagree. Not sure what else to do.

Be patience ,and give a good example ,keep praying ,if possible get or read together few saints book of purity.gently get her to confess if she has not ,not with force but love .God Bless

Psalms 119:9 How can young people keep their way pure?By guarding it according to your word.10 With my whole heart I seek you;do not let me stray from your commandments.
11 I treasure your word in my heart,so that I may not sin against you.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

If there’s a way you can discreetly ask her about the porn when you two are away from the rest of the family, and have a frank talk with her about how it’s exploitative to women, etc. without hitting too hard on the hellfire stuff, that might be helpful.

Also, keep in mind that at her age, she may very well be looking at it out of curiosity or peer pressure rather than actually being excited by it. I know when I looked at the small amount of porn I saw when a teenager, which wasn’t much as it wasn’t very available then compared to now, I was mostly interested in stuff like the anatomy, shape etc of the person’s body especially the woman’s body, in a “will I ever look like that?” kind of way. The sexual excitement factor was way small. I got more sexually aroused (although I didn’t know what it was then) watching a fully clothed teen idol sing some sappy song on TV.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Is there a trusted Catholic woman in your family? Grandmother, Aunt, Cousin, Godmother, Youth Group Leader, who you can talk to?

Are you both involved in Catholic Youth Group? CYM will talk about Catholic sexual morality in a safe way.

 

[DarkLight]

ave a frank talk with her about how it’s exploitative to women, etc. without hitting too hard on the hellfire stuff, that might be helpful.
[…]
I know when I looked at the small amount of porn I saw when a teenager, which wasn’t much as it wasn’t very available then compared to now, I was mostly interested in stuff like the anatomy, shape etc of the person’s body especially the woman’s body, in an “will I ever look like that?” kind of way.

That might also be an important point to make. Most of us don’t exactly look like those ladies either. Most actual porn stars don’t look like that without a studio working over them. Porn’s pretty good for giving men unrealistic expectations of a partner and making women feel bad about themselves. Don’t need any sort of specifically Catholic argument for that.

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

Here’s what I would do and I’m dead serious about this. A 13 year old child is being given access to porn. I’d alert the authorities. And actually any other advice is at the risk of CAF.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

If I remember right, Lea is not in the United States. The law may not be the same where she is.

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

Perhaps, but most countries would have laws that protect a child from porn. There are only a handful of countries where one could go up to a child legally and start showing them pornographic images. And those countries wouldn’t really have people interacting with others on a Catholic site. Plus this Catholic site is based in the USA where we should follow established protocol when dealing with children and sex abuse (which is what 13 year olds accessing porn is) So I don’t really care where the poster is from. The advice should be universal.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I appreciate what you’re saying about a Catholic site, but the laws of USA apply to the website and what people do on the website. They don’t apply to a poster dealing with a real life situation off site in some other country.

Lea could certainly consult with her local authorities about what the law is there.

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

The more I think about the the more troublesome it becomes. A 13 year old girl is given access to and encouraged to view porn in a foreign (to the us) country where she has no mom and an estranged and possibly abusive father. This is textbook grooming for the sex trade and human trafficking. And if we are to truly learn from the crisis and have our actions be more than lip service we need to follow basic principles here. This should be advised to be reported to the authorities. I mean you really dont have an easier answer here. If the OP was a volunteer at a youth group in any county and took this to the Catholic members the advice is so clear. Or it should be. I’m scared as the father of a 13 year old when this does not seem to be a common sense response by my fellow Catholics.

 

[Allegra]

If you don’t want to tell her that you saw the porn, can you just have a conversation about why porn is so harmful, without telling her that you saw it on her phone?

 

[1Lord1Faith]

This should be advised to be reported to the authorities.

Report what to the authorities?? You want her to turn her sister over to the “authorities”, whatever that may mean outside of the U.S.?

I would suggest that @Lea101 have a heart to heart with her sister. Tell her about how bad the industry is with exploitation, human trafficking, rape, forced abortions, etc. Then talk about what it does to people who become obsessed with viewing it. None of this requires getting into religion at all. It’s not even necessary to talk about religion or hellfire or any like that. It’s a human issue that most people are against. It wouldn’t be difficult to find hard evidence of the destructive nature of that industry.

Tell her that you accidentally saw what was on her phone and you wanted to make sure that she knew what she was getting into. And if she ever wants to ask you anything that you’ll keep it in your confidential file if at all possible. As her much older sister, I believe you have the moral authority to do this without telling your father. I don’t think this issue rises to the level of having to tell your father.

 

[DarkLight]

Except we don’t have much evidence here that she’s being “given access” in anything other than the passive sense. If there were another person actively sending her pornography, yes, I would advise talking to the authorities. But it’s not like any of these sites have any sort of serious filter that would prevent a minor from viewing them - the far more likely situation is that she is simply choosing to view porn that’s available on the internet.

What are the authorities going to do? There’s no one to punish here, except the 13 year old girl. It’s highly likely that the website isn’t even hosted in the same country. And the authorities don’t really have tools to do much of anything other than punish people.

 

[Lea101]

she’s being “given access” in anything other than the passive sense.

Yeah. I doubt she was given porn from someone else, she searched it up herself. We have filters that block porn, but it doesn’t work for less known sites, or social media accounts (Tumblr) that post videos.

I would suggest that @Lea101 have a heart to heart with her sister. Tell her about how bad the industry is with exploitation, human trafficking, rape, forced abortions, etc.

I have done this in the past, even recently. She’s aware of all of this and she was receptive to me. I guess that’s probably why I’m so disappointed, because I felt that I approached it in the best way I can, only to find out that she was merely pretending to be a ‘good girl’.

To be fair, I know it is common for teenagers to pretend to do that, as well as to watch porn/masturbate or whatever. I’m more worried that she wouldn’t eventually feel that it’s wrong and try to lead a better life. Our family background puts her at risk, and growing up with friends that pit her against us is worrying.

 

[Allegra]

I agree that it is troublesome, but I’m not sure who the OP is supposed to report. I think it’s likely that porn use is legal in her country and I’ve heard that in some Asian countries, it’s legal for kids as young as 12 to buy it. If the OP had evidence that some creeper was sending her little sister this stuff, that would be one thing, but in order to report it, it helps to have a “who” as well as an actual crime that was committed.

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

Hoosier-Daddy:

This should be advised to be reported to the authorities.

Report what to the authorities?? You want her to turn her sister over to the “authorities”,… whatever that I believe you have the moral authority to do this without telling your father. I don’t think this issue rises to the level of having to tell your father.

This is not that hard. We are not the authorities or the investigators. We know a 13 year old child is being given access to porn and encouraged by others to do so. Authorities decide if that is against the law and who is breaking the law. It could be a website, adults, phone companies, or the guardians or parents themselves. That is not our job to asses blame. Our job when someone comes to us with the concern that a 13 year old child is being given or is able to access sexual porn (which is sexual abuse) is to require reporting. The Church, the Pope every bishop I know gives lip service to this. But action needs to follow. The OP didn’t ask you as a friend, they asked people on a Catholic website run by a Catholic apostolate.
The answer is simple and not really debatable. But because it is debated, it only shows that we still have to learn from the evil that exists. I mean, Now we have the advice to not tell a guardian that a Child is viewing sexually explicit porn.

So glad I home educate the faith!

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

That is just it allegra, we don’t know. And we love to debate things on CAF and say what ifs but this isnt the place for that. 13. Is young. A girl doesn’t usually become involved in porn at such a young age like a boy (generally speaking) This is enough of a red flag that it should be reported.

Ill bow out. As it makes me sick and I feel like I made my point well. Ya’ll can continue…

 

[DarkLight]

This is not that hard. We are not the authorities or the investigators. We know a 13 year old child is being given access to porn and encouraged by others to do so.

I’m not sure where you’re reading this, but it doesn’t seem the same to me? A website existing in a place where a 13 year old can get to it isn’t really “giving access” to porn to a minor in any meaningful sense. And it doesn’t sound like there’s any active encouragement going on, just that she has friends who mock the faith and think things like porn are perfectly ok. It sounds more like the modern equivalent of a teen boy stealing a playboy out of the trash than anything else - and I don’t think anyone’s arguing that those boys are victims of sexual abuse.

So I think the question there is “what are the authorities going to do?” A 13 year old who wants to find porn on the internet and has unmonitored internet access is going to find porn. It doesn’t sound like the father (who is presumably the legal guardian) is interested in doing anything. And I’m very wary of reporting to the authorities in a case involving emotional abuse, simply because it’s often a trigger for a significant increase in the abuse.

 

[Lea101]

To be fair, my sexual sins started at that age as well. So do all of my friends.
My sister have shared that her peers watch and read porn as well. She’s open about what her friends do, but not about her unfortunately. It’s honestly extremely common amongst young girls now, it’s just that they’re better at hiding it.

Law wise, I don’t think she’s breaking anything.

It’s illegal to sell/distribute/keep porn, but as she and many minors watch it online, they’re not doing anything illegal. Authorities usually give the basic advice if a child watches it (parental controls etc).

And I’m very wary of reporting to the authorities in a case involving emotional abuse, simply because it’s often a trigger for a significant increase in the abuse.

@DarkLight I am as well. There was a recent case where the authorities stepped in over his emotional abuse, and it triggered a lot of emotions for my father and he gotten a lot worse after. It also affected her a lot.

So my brothers and I are the ones watching over her. We’re all adults, but obviously we don’t know what we’re doing at times.