Need advice from someone who's been there

[Kronos]

Hey, guys. I was actually writing about a “relationship” I’m currently in. My sister got married this past summer and there I fell in love with this girl. It was strange the way it happened too because I was about to enter the seminary and all of a sudden I just fell in love. I should also mention that the way I fell in love with her was not by my choice but rather His. As a matter of fact, I even had an intellectual vision after she left (it kinda freaked me out). Anyway, I went down to Florida to see her this December. I drove 12 hours, took my only week from vacation, and had to take somebody else’s shifts right after I came back. I bought her a birthday gift and sent her an e-mail on her birthday but haven’t heard from her. She got angry before because she misinterpreted something I said in an e-mail and didn’t write back for a month. This was only after I found out that she was mad at me by way of a friend and I apologized (in reality for something I didn’t do). Two days after her birthday I mistakenly sent her some e-mails which were actually supposed to be deleted (vulgar ones) and I just realized it Monday night. I sent her an e-mail apologizing and explaining what happened but haven’t heard back from her. The thing that bothers me most is that I can’t let go. I mean, I wish I could but it’s like God doesn’t let me. The nights I don’t want to pray for her, I suffer horribly until I do end up praying for her and then peace comes over me. She seems like a really cold and horrible person for repaying my efforts with such ingratitude but that doesn’t stop me from loving her. I guess I’m just trying to figure out what God is doing. Any ideas?

EDIT: I should also mention that I feel MUCH closer to Christ when I suffer like this and I would gladly help Him bear His Cross. But I’m still confused…

 

[Lillith]

Kronos…

I have to say that to me it appears that you have a Crush…and these can be painful…I have had them before. It is most distressful when the person that you have interest…has no interest for you…and unfortunately…I think that is what is happening to you.

Even if she might be interested…the ball is in her court. If you write anymore, or send anymore e-mails she might see you in a less than desirable light…so I think you might need to back off and see what happens.

In the meantime…pray for yourself…that you might be able to better discern your own emotions. Attractions are real physical and chemical reactions, and we don’t know why sometimes they are not reciprocated…

Take care of yourself! God Bless…

 

[jc-servant]

I spent some time in the crying towel in years past over men who I can now see were not appropriate for me or for a relationship grounded in Catholic beliefs. At the time I thought I was going to just fall to pieces and never love again. With the perspective of some time and more maturity as I grow a bit older, I can see that God answered my prayers regarding those men with a loud, “NO!”

God’s purpose in bringing you into this woman’s life may have been specifically because she is a troubled or immature person who is in need of your prayers. It may not be that He is telling you to have a romantic relationship with her. I think that it is easy to misinterpret signs in light of our own desires when an attractive person or thing is involved.

I would suggest that you read “The Exclamation, The Wise Choice of a Spouse for Catholic Marriage” by Patricia Wrona and “Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World: A guide for Catholics” by Thomas G. Morrow (a priest).

The first book has a great chapter on general discernment that can be used when thinking about your vocation (marriage/priesthood) and then more specifics (if marriage is your vocation) on doing individual discernment when you meet someone and mutual discernment with a potential spouse after a relationship has progressed. Some of the info in this book might have saved you some emotional distress by providing guidance about “falling in love” as opposed to the type of love that supports a good Catholic marriage. It also talks about “false consolations” that the devil can use to trick us into thinking something is God’s will.

The latter book has great info about how to prepare ourselves as we grow up (or older) to be a person who is ready for a marital relationship. It gives great info on a variety of things like modesty, appropriate affection while dating and sexual contact during marriage, etc.

I will pray for you and your friend. Don’t be discouraged if you can’t let go of her in your mind instantly. Just say a quick prayer for her well being and for yourself to do God’s will in your own life and then move on with another activity. Eventually, you will probably think of her rarely if at all and wonder what on Earth you ever saw in her romantically since she did not treat you very well. There are many ways that she could have let you down easy if she lost interest in having a relationship, but she chose not to take those options. I’ve been the dumper and the dumpee and a little kindness goes a long way.

 

[coyote]

Your feelings for her do not obligate her to have feelings in kind towards you. She is saying “No” to your advances. Move on.