Need Advice on Abstinence

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I am really sorry to post such a personal topic, but I had bladder surgery yesterday and my MD has told me that I cannot have sexual intercourse for at least 6 weeks.

My question is for those who practice periodic abstinence… how to be supportive yet firm when dealing with my husband, and is there anything that I can tell him to help him through this period in time? (even after kids, we didn’t wait as long as we should have…but this time it needs to be very firm).

Thank you all, I really appreciate learning from your experiences.
 
I’m sorry, are you saying your husband is unwilling to abstain for six weeks post surgery?
 
I have my doubts that he will go along with this very easily. During other periods of time when I am ill, or just am not in the mood, he puts a LOT of pressure on me to give in. This is also why we started to have sex pretty early after my children were born. He does not do well “going without” and gets really crabby, and starts to throw out nasty comments like “you just don’t like me” or something along those lines.

He will be ok for the first week or two, but I am afraid that as in the past things may get a little nasty. He is used to me giving in ( I do take my marital duties very seriously), but I will not compromise the results of this surgery for his needs. I am an independent person and I have no doubt that I can stand my ground, I was just hoping that if I had some advice on how other men get through these times, I might do with less of the "comments’. (yes… he is very selfish at times and sometimes it seems as though my feelings, health do not concern him).
 
Your husband needs some therapy, not a snappy comeback. You do realize his behavior is not normal, right?

If really he cannot restrain himself, I suggest separate quarters during your recovery. Sleep in the guest room, or ask him to do so.
 
Your doctor needs to speak to your husband about the importance of abstinence. If he doesn’t abstain for long enough this time, you may need additional surgery. The doctor should make this very clear, this is not negotiable. Don’t give in; your health is at stake.
 
I am thinking that I will have an honest conversation with him… laying out my expectations plainly and clearly so that if there is an issue I can refer back to this conversation. I will also let him know that if he has an issue with this then there will be consequences such as him moving to the couch for the duration as well as mama not being very happy.

Should I advise him to focus on something else to take his mind off of it, or what seems to work for people in this situation?
 
Hockeygurl said:
I am thinking that I will have an honest conversation with him… laying out my expectations plainly and clearly so that if there is an issue I can refer back to this conversation. I will also let him know that if he has an issue with this then there will be consequences such as him moving to the couch for the duration as well as mama not being very happy.

Should I advise him to focus on something else to take his mind off of it, or what seems to work for people in this situation?
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That a man could not lay down his life for his wife especially during post op recovery is completely beyond me.

If that is indeed the case as you have laid out. Then I think you need to seek some counseling and I am sorry this is what you have chosen.
 
This may not be a popular point of view on this forum, and is probably not something you want to hear, but I would personally consider your husband’s attitude abusive - some combination of emotional and sexual abuse.

Consequently, my advice is to stand up for yourself and to tell him that his behavior is not acceptable. This may sound incredibly difficult, and you may believe that you need to be more understanding of him, rather than him being more understanding of you. This is a common mindset among victims of abuse, and if anything, it is even more evidence that there is a problem.

Don’t have the conversation when he’s already upset. Have a nice dinner, wait till the children are asleep and you are both relaxed, and tell him about your concerns. I would say something like:

“Husband, I really want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me. Can we talk for a few minutes? You know my doctor said that I need to refrain from having intercourse for six weeks after my surgery. I’m really worried about how you’re going to deal with that. I want you to know that it’s important to me to get better, and that I do find you attractive, but we are going to have to be abstinent for that period of time. I’m really going to need your support and understanding, because this will be hard for me too. Do you think you can do that?”

That way he knows in advance what is going to happen. I wouldn’t throw out the “abuse” word in this conversation, because that would probably be counterproductive. But keep it in mind yourself, so that you know you are not somehow in the wrong here. If he starts trying to make you feel guilty about abstinence, calmly reply with something along the lines of:

“We discussed this before my surgery. I understand that this is very difficult for you, but it isn’t fair to take that out on me while I’m recovering. When you say ‘____,’ I feel like you care more about sex than you do about my health.”
 
SayehMahtabi said:
This may not be a popular point of view on this forum, and is probably not something you want to hear, but I would personally consider your husband’s attitude abusive - some combination of emotional and sexual abuse.

Consequently, my advice is to stand up for yourself and to tell him that his behavior is not acceptable. This may sound incredibly difficult, and you may believe that you need to be more understanding of him, rather than him being more understanding of you. This is a common mindset among victims of abuse, and if anything, it is even more evidence that there is a problem.

Don’t have the conversation when he’s already upset. Have a nice dinner, wait till the children are asleep and you are both relaxed, and tell him about your concerns. I would say something like:

“Husband, I really want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me. Can we talk for a few minutes? You know my doctor said that I need to refrain from having intercourse for six weeks after my surgery. I’m really worried about how you’re going to deal with that. I want you to know that it’s important to me to get better, and that I do find you attractive, but we are going to have to be abstinent for that period of time. I’m really going to need your support and understanding, because this will be hard for me too. Do you think you can do that?”

That way he knows in advance what is going to happen. I wouldn’t throw out the “abuse” word in this conversation, because that would probably be counterproductive. But keep it in mind yourself, so that you know you are not somehow in the wrong here. If he starts trying to make you feel guilty about abstinence, calmly reply with something along the lines of:

“We discussed this before my surgery. I understand that this is very difficult for you, but it isn’t fair to take that out on me while I’m recovering. When you say ‘____,’ I feel like you care more about sex than you do about my health.”
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Yes.

And if he gets fussy, “Should I make us an apt. with my doctor or the nurse practitioner so that he or she can explain the medical issues to you?”

The pressuring to have sex too soon post-partum or during illness is also something that needs to stop.
 
Hello Hockeygurl.
Hockeygurl said:
I am thinking that I will have an honest conversation with him… laying out my expectations plainly and clearly so that if there is an issue I can refer back to this conversation. I will also let him know that if he has an issue with this then there will be consequences such as him moving to the couch for the duration as well as mama not being very happy.

Should I advise him to focus on something else to take his mind off of it, or what seems to work for people in this situation?
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I think the laying out of expectations and plans would’ve happened long before any surgery actually happened. Did he even concern himself with any of the details? It seems really odd that he wouldn’t already know before your bladder surgery that abstinence was going to be required post surgery and for approximately how long. unless of course, your surgery was an emergency and there was no time to talk about it. I tend to see the dark of things before I see the light, but it really does strike me that what I’d do if the situation was mine and reversed, (that means he’s the one getting surgery and not me and is going to have to abstain from relations while on the mend) I’d want to know everything, probably more than my hubby, from the doctors and much planning would have already been made and we’d have it down pretty pat what was going to happen. I’m kinda a really bad patient myself, being disabled and I reeeeeallly need to know as much as they are willing to tell. And I’d be all the worse if it was my children or my hubby or my mom, etc. I’m assuming that it is normal for husband and wife to discuss all of this long before it occurs. So why hasn’t it happened in your case?

Glenda
 
P.S. You both are Christian, so why is abstinence such a touchy subject? Surely you are living the fullness of the Christian faith in regard to NFP and contraception.
 
Hockeygurl said:
I am thinking that I will have an honest conversation with him… laying out my expectations plainly and clearly so that if there is an issue I can refer back to this conversation. I will also let him know that if he has an issue with this then there will be consequences such as him moving to the couch for the duration as well as mama not being very happy.

Should I advise him to focus on something else to take his mind off of it, or what seems to work for people in this situation?
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I might be incorrect in my take on all of this, and you would know better than us, but I don’t see him as this evil, abuser that needs therapy. It isn’t totally uncommon for people to feel it isn’t necessary to wait all 6 weeks postpartum, even here on the forums in the past I have seen in the past women that say they do not follow/agree with the 6 week postpartum guideline. People have sex when they are sick. I don’t know the situations in the past (if you told him you could not do it for health reasons and he pressured you anyways, or if he suggested it and you did not say no, or maybe did not feel it would be something you could not do for health reasons)… Maybe he is being selfish but without realizing the effects, maybe just imprudent, I don’t know…Technically, not being in the mood isn’t a good reason to say no to someone to begin with (I know, counter-cultural).

It sounds like he is not choosing the alternatives that society pushes on guys (sexual activity with or without wife climaxing outside of intercourse). That is how a lot of people would solve this problem (grave matter that offends God, but don’t have to worry about dealing with abstinence…)

Anyway, I think you have the correct approach. Make sure it is 100% clear that you will adhere to your doctor’s guidelines because you need to do it for your health. Let him know that you love him and that you know it can be tough on him and ask him if there is any (moral) way you can help him cope with this. The couch can be an alternative for difficult nights. Let him know you love him, but for those weeks, and until your doctor says otherwise, you will not be able to participate in the marital embrace. I think it is very important to talk about it beforehand so it is clear to him, as he may think the Dr’s are exaggerating with the timeframe, and he could even believe that you may feel similarly (once again… I don’t know your situation, but it is a possibility!)

I commend you for taking your responsibilities as a spouse seriously (counter-cultural!), and I think it is very considerate of you to be asking this question on how to help your spouse.
 
lifeisbeautiful said:
I might be incorrect in my take on all of this, and you would know better than us, but I don’t see him as this evil, abuser that needs therapy. It isn’t totally uncommon for people to feel it isn’t necessary to wait all 6 weeks postpartum, even here on the forums in the past I have seen in the past women that say they do not follow/agree with the 6 week postpartum guideline. People have sex when they are sick. I don’t know the situations in the past (if you told him you could not do it for health reasons and he pressured you anyways, or if he suggested it and you did not say no, or maybe did not feel it would be something you could not do for health reasons)… Maybe he is being selfish but without realizing the effects, maybe just imprudent, I don’t know…Technically, not being in the mood isn’t a good reason to say no to someone to begin with (I know, counter-cultural).

It sounds like he is not choosing the alternatives that society pushes on guys (sexual activity with or without wife climaxing outside of intercourse). That is how a lot of people would solve this problem (grave matter that offends God, but don’t have to worry about dealing with abstinence…)

Anyway, I think you have the correct approach. Make sure it is 100% clear that you will adhere to your doctor’s guidelines because you need to do it for your health. Let him know that you love him and that you know it can be tough on him and ask him if there is any (moral) way you can help him cope with this. The couch can be an alternative for difficult nights. Let him know you love him, but for those weeks, and until your doctor says otherwise, you will not be able to participate in the marital embrace. I think it is very important to talk about it beforehand so it is clear to him, as he may think the Dr’s are exaggerating with the timeframe, and he could even believe that you may feel similarly (once again… I don’t know your situation, but it is a possibility!)

I commend you for taking your responsibilities as a spouse seriously (counter-cultural!), and I think it is very considerate of you to be asking this question on how to help your spouse.
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Thank you so much for your kind response, and you are correct, the times I have consented while ill, or post partum were not as bad as you might think. He is not abusive in that respect and we do/did come to a mutual decision to give it a go and that he would stop if I needed it.

I am not going to go into the whole NFP/abstinence thing as obviously, my hubby does not have experience with abstinence of this length of time. He does tend to have a sex drive that I would consider to be normal, maybe a bit above normal for a man his age.

As far as the prior discussions have gone… I am a Nurse Practitioner, and have mentioned numerous times after the surgery was scheduled what restrictions would be in place… he does pay attention, but doesn’t get too in depth about it because he figures I know what I am doing and will deal with things accordingly.

I really think it will be hard on him, but I DO believe that he does want the best for me and for me to heal. Even as a health care professional I have NO idea what goes on in the abstaining males mind and was just wondering if people found that starting a hobby/ working more, etc… helped with the passage of time or if it’s just a “suck it up” and deal with it kind of thing.
 
Hockeygurl said:
I have NO idea what goes on in the abstaining males mind and was just wondering if people found that starting a hobby/ working more, etc… helped with the passage of time or if it’s just a “suck it up” and deal with it kind of thing.
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If the male in question is normal and well adjusted;
  1. If he partakes in masturbation, he does so.
  2. If he does not masturbate, he simply doesn’t have sex. He doesn’t lose control, he doesn’t get grumpy, he doesn’t get sore, he doesn’t have any ill effects, other than the fact that he may feel like engaging in sexual intercourse, but he cannot.
There is nothing for you to wonder about. Your husband will survive with zero ill effects and if he claims he is experiencing any distress, he is full of it and if he claims that he doesn’t know how he’s going to get through the next six weeks…then he needs therapy.

My source?

I’m a man.
 
Hockeygurl said:
I have my doubts that he will go along with this very easily.
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Is this because:
1). He believes the doctor has made an error in prescribing 6 weeks of no sex; or
2). He believes you are telling a lie about what the doctor said; or
3). He believes his right to sex is more pressing than your medical needs.

Tell us please which one do you think applies?
 
It is certainly high time that you spell things out plainly and clearly for him. I find it astonishing that a married man would be so selfish and immature that he would put his sexual desires above the health and wellbeing of his wife. Sorry to be so plain but there it is.

It is time for hubby to grow up.
 
dixieagle said:
It is certainly high time that you spell things out plainly and clearly for him. I find it astonishing that a married man would be so selfish and immature that he would put his sexual desires above the health and wellbeing of his wife. Sorry to be so plain but there it is.

It is time for hubby to grow up,
Code: 
Exactly what I thought. :thumbsup:
Some people make me look great,
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Hockeygurl said:
I have my doubts that he will go along with this very easily. During other periods of time when I am ill, or just am not in the mood, he puts a LOT of pressure on me to give in. This is also why we started to have sex pretty early after my children were born. He does not do well “going without” and gets really crabby, and starts to throw out nasty comments like “you just don’t like me” or something along those lines.

He will be ok for the first week or two, but I am afraid that as in the past things may get a little nasty. ** He is used to me giving in ( I do take my marital duties very seriously),** but I will not compromise the results of this surgery for his needs. I am an independent person and I have no doubt that I can stand my ground, I was just hoping that if I had some advice on how other men get through these times, I might do with less of the "comments’. (yes… he is very selfish at times and sometimes it seems as though my feelings, health do not concern him).
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That is nice but that is not all…we must take care of our spouse’s soul as well…helping each other learn and exercise self control…discipline…these are also marital duties.

God bless you!
 
If my husband ever treated my body in such a manner I would make sure that the lights were left on so that he could see the dirty look I was giving him while he tried. He should feel as disgusting as what he is doing is.

Forcing you to have intercourse before you are healed is not lovemaking, it’s masturbation using your body instead of his hand. He needs a harsh reality check.
 
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