Need advice on moving on

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AnxieTea

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Sorry if this is not the right place to post this, this seemed the best section out of all of them

I am having trouble with the commandment to honor my father and mother. They divorced when I was very little. Life was not so good after that, new step parents, back and forth between houses, emotional abuse and the lack of acknowledgment of my feelings made me a pot of sour soup in which I have been trying to recover from now that I am almost 26 years old.

I wanted to post in a catholic forum because you guys are the only faith that takes divorce seriously. Everyone around me says it is better for the adults and kids and agrees that it can be a good thing. I find it too benefit the adults and that is all but I am met with harsh criticism and sometimes outright hate.

I feel like I can never love properly and have lost many relationships. I have and still am very depressed. I live with my dad and he doesent pay any attention to me as much as his “new” girlfriend and her family. He just barks orders and buys me stuff and that is about it. I crave attention. My mom is “safe” from me and says I cannot live with her because I am “too depressed”

What do I do? I feel like I cannot live out that commandment fully. Any advice?

Thank you
 
You can either choose to let your parents mistakes ruin your life or you can pack that stuff up and ditch it. You make the choice on whether or not you carry that baggage around for the rest of forever or not. Can’t blame other people forever.
 
i dont beleive in divorce, i beleive in seperation though. The happiest woman i ever knew was my very devout Catholic grandmother, her husband left her and their children without any money, he didnt die, he just went off with another woman and my grandmother had to move out of Pa to nyc with six kids the youngest an infant in the depression to find work, she was a wonderful seamstress and house keeper for the wealthy along central park. My grandmother was hungarian almost made it to 100, …she made helping her kids and grandkids her lifes vocation , always prayerful , never missed mass, She would kneel down and say her prayers beside her bed every night. she put God in front of every thing she did. She never dated , she just carried on without her husband. I think divorce is treacherous to all children.
 
I know another author Lynn Cassella. She’s Catholic and has written books aimed at children of divorce (I think adult children, ie she’s not a children’s author). Perhaps check out her stuff on Amazon?

EDITING TO ADD: meant that for OP.
 
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AnxieTea said:
What do I do? I feel like I cannot live out that commandment fully. Any advice?

Thank you
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I may not be doing it right, but I’ve come to understand my dad did the best he could for me at the time. I believe he came up short & he now believes he came up short.

But I don’t blame him. It is what it is & a big part of who I am is a conscious effort not to be who he was.

I haven’t spoken to him in years. I haven’t reached out to him & he stopped trying back when I was upset with him.

I do care for him & hope he is doing well, but he’s not a part of my life.

I love my mom, but she is not part of my daily life either. It’s just the way things worked out. I call her from time to time, I go see her every now & again.

I understand your situation is different than mine. I left home right after high school.

Again, I’m no Saint & my relationship with my parents is dysfunctional. But my point is, realize they did the best they could, good or bad. It’s time for you to choose to do your best. Whatever that might be.
 
Can you tell me more about the Abba father prayer? I am new to Catholicism in fact I am waiting to get baptized because covid, archdioceses wont let baptisms thru
 
Jesus was/is against divorce. Children do suffer. All that is true. However, that was not in your control. You need to move on, take control of your life, and try not to make the same mistakes your parents did.
 
AnxieTea said:
I feel like I can never love properly and have lost many relationships.
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It does take work, and a lot of it to overcome these traumas and make new patters in your own life. But you can do it.

You choose. You determine your future.
AnxieTea said:
I have and still am very depressed.
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Please get some therapy and start working to let the past go and realize that it doesn’t determine your future.
AnxieTea said:
Everyone around me says it is better for the adults and kids and agrees that it can be a good thing. I find it too benefit the adults and that is all but I am met with harsh criticism and sometimes outright hate.
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The book The Surprising Legacy of Divorce might be of interest to you.
AnxieTea said:
What do I do? I feel like I cannot live out that commandment fully.
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Eventually, you learn that parents are people who make mistakes, and who did the best the could with what they had. Often they have scars of their own childhoods and if they’ve never confronted them then they relive patterns or they make other bad choices.

You let it go. You forgive them. You move on and don’t let it determine your future.
AnxieTea said:
Any advice?
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Get therapy. I wish I had. I did work through it and now have a successful marriage of my own, but I didn’t get married until I was 38.

For reference— my parents got pregnant and married senior year of high school, in that order. They divorced when I was 4, and when I was 5 I went to live with grandparents. My dad married 3 more times, my mom married again, I have 3 half siblings, 2 step siblings, one former step sibling from wife #3, and a LOT of baggage from all that.

You CAN choose your own destiny. You CAN decide not to be a victim. You CAN choose a healthy path for yourself. They don’t rule your future.
 
Perspicuity said:
Seek a Christian counselor near you. They will help you understand God’s love for YOU is infinitely greater than anyone can offer. They will also suggest that you approach your "Abba’ Father in prayer. And read the Psalms… 😉 Many of God’s promises for you, are listed there… and He doesn’t lie…
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AnxieTea, since you are a new Catholic I must warn you that Perspicuity appears to be a non-Catholic poster who is trying to lead people away from the Catholic faith. I do not recommend that you follow the posts of such a person and it is unfortunate that they do not follow the rules of the forum when they post here. His posts have been flagged. Please follow the advice of the good Catholics who post here.
 
I think you need to find a new place to live. I know it’s Covid times, but still, people move in with new roommates. Hopefully, you can find some fun roommates and begin forging your own path.

It’s difficult to launch because you have lacked a firm foundation. But the definition of insanity is trying the same things over and over again without success. I suspect you are still searching in the wrong place. What you seek, your family cannot give. So, maybe you can create it.

I have a very supportive family; yet I’ve always wanted my siblings to be closer, have meals at each other’s homes very regularly, depend on each other more, take vacations together. Yet, that’s not what they want. Many people do not receive love the way they would like it.

So you can live on a starvation diet of love, or you can change the diet.
 
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AnxieTea said:
but I am met with harsh criticism and sometimes outright hate.
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These people should have compassion on you. I’m sorry. Forgive them. Perhaps they have some reasons in their heart concerning divorce that they don’t want to feel sympathetic to you.
 
I am sorry you have had to deal with so much grief over the relationship with your parents. While I cannot say that I have had that exact experience in my own immediate family, I have dealt with other toxic relationships with friends and relatives. Here is what I have learned (both on my own and with the help of a wonderful counselor!).
  1. The only people we have control over, is ourselves. I can only control my own actions, and you can only control your actions. In other words, we have no authority over what other people say and do to us, but we can choose how we wish to respond to it. And when you do manage to implement this more positive outlook on life, it actually feels incredibly empowering, because what you are saying to yourself is, “I am not going to allow you to hurt me anymore.” It’s amazing. And healing.
  2. Turning the other cheek and honoring your father and mother are obviously so important in our lives as Christians. However, that does not mean that you have to sit back and allow those individuals to have a negative impact on your mental health through their hurtful words and actions. You can still love and honor your parents from a distance. You can still stand up and politely excuse yourself from a toxic interaction with them. You are not breaking that commandment in doing so. You are an adult with different opinions, beliefs, principles, and aspirations, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with allowing yourself to form boundaries within your family unit to allow yourself to heal. My dad actually grew up in a similar toxic situation; some of the best advice that was given to him was from a family counselor. While advising my father on what to do or say (in a respectful manner) when his mother would become verbally abusive, the counselor said, “Just stand up. Tell her you love her, and that you have to go now.”
  3. If you don’t have a counselor, get one. I know some people feel hesitant or shy about it, but it is so rejuvenating when you have someone to speak to who is on the outside of things. I speak to one almost weekly. It really helps. I think everyone needs someone to talk to.
Ultimately, I think it might also be helpful to start looking for your own place, if it is feasible at this time. If you have any friends who might be willing to be move in with you and split the cost, that might be an option. If you do not have a way to go out on your own at the moment, then maybe try to distract yourself with some positive hobbies. Read, write, draw, dance, paint…etc. I even color at times! It is amazingly cathartic and it really allows you to escape from the depression.

I hope I have been able to help a bit. I am sorry you are facing all of this turmoil. You are in my prayers.
 
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I have a hard time with the expression " they did the best they could…" no, not in my life, I didnt have a divorced parent i had a widower father. He started drinking after our Mother died, yes yes i know he was depressed but he crashed three cars, A man who my Mother worked hard for 23 yrs to turn to Christ instead of drink threw it all away and went back to his roots behaviour. for quite a few years before he stopped drinking on his own. Terrible for my sibling and I to miss our Mother and have to deal with the new out of control Father. These things are called our Crosses. We are supposed to sacrifice and bare our Cross as Jesus showed us. Even as a small child I knew my father was just being selfish, children know even if they do not know the word and selfish is not love.
 
AnxieTea said:
I feel like I can never love properly and have lost many relationships. I have and still am very depressed. I live with my dad and he doesent pay any attention to me as much as his “new” girlfriend and her family. He just barks orders and buys me stuff and that is about it. I crave attention. My mom is “safe” from me and says I cannot live with her because I am “too depressed”
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I can identify with your feelings of being “outside the loop” of love.
And I want to reassure you that Christ can make all things new for you. He really can and he really wants to.
Christ can restore lost innocence. Christ is that one key relationship that is durable, and Christ is the foundation for all other relationships. Christ really can make all things new.

For me, a key step was to visit nursing homes for the parish. Those visits to the helpless broke the hard crust of resignation and indifference that I had developed over the years. There are others who need you just because they are needy, and not for anything they can give you in return. Maybe you can venture out into that space and give yourself to the needy without expectations. You might find Christ there and he might change your life.
 
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That sounds awful. Sorry to hear you put up with that cr*p. Parents seem inconsiderate but God tells us we can not judge, only he can. Your parents sound immature but forgive them for they know not what they do.
 
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