Need advice where to go from here

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laceyaryn

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I have been married to my husband for three years and we are waiting for his annulments so we can convalidate our marriage. However, I have been fighting with him from day one almost about his gambling money that we cannot afford to lose. Initially I took away his checkbook, debit card and put all of his credit cards on a debt management program ( a very good one) and he deposited his entire check into my account. I eased up after time and gave him his check book and debit card back and we are over half way done paying off his credit cards. However I have recently learned that he has been at it again for the last 7 months, that I was not aware of until Friday morning when I learned that he had lost his entire paycheck at a casino. To make up the difference and to pay the mortgage and all of our other responciblities would take our ENTIRE savings. How do I handle this? I have given him the location for GA and I have set up a marital counseling session with Cath Com Ser but I don’t know what else to do. I am tired of cleaning up the messes.
 
Does he at least admit that he has a problem? And if so, is he willing to see the councilor you have set up?

I am hoping that answer to both questions is Yes! If so then at least you can move forward with some confidence that he will correct his mistakes.

If the answers are No, then you could always take away his access to the money like you did before, it seemed to work out pretty well. I know that is not a real solution but it would at least temporarily calm things down so that you guys could try to sort things out.

You didnt mention whether or not you had children and I think that is important information to have in these kinds of circumstances.
 
My question would also be do you have children? If the answer is no then I for one would NOT have my marriage validated in Church. I would want him to clean up his act before I stood before God & promised to be with Him till death do us part. I am so sorry that he seems to have an addiction to gambling, that is very sad so I’d also pray for him like crazy but if he wasn’t willing to get help, I’m not sure I’d stick around. If you do have children, then I think you need to get your marriage validated because let’s face it, if he’s the father of your kids he’s going to be in their/your lives forever so you might as well get right with God and then hound him like crazy & take away all his money so he can’t throw away your mortgage payments.
 
The answers are both yes but seeing how he has been hiding this from me and then lied about the severity of it and I have heard it before I don’t feel like I can totally trust him. He has agreed to go to both GA and the marital counseling but I am also afraid that he will just pull out his lip service and emotional blackmail like he did when my counselor (other issues) asked him about it I have a daughter and he has a son what hurts the most is that Gambling is the ONE and ONLY promised I have asked him for and he pats me on the head and then I find out about it again several months later. in the last 7 months he has lost 3118 dollars (including overdraft fees)
 
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laceyaryn:
The answers are both yes but seeing how he has been hiding this from me and then lied about the severity of it and I have heard it before I don’t feel like I can totally trust him. He has agreed to go to both GA and the marital counseling but I am also afraid that he will just pull out his lip service and emotional blackmail like he did when my counselor (other issues) asked him about it I have a daughter and he has a son what hurts the most is that Gambling is the ONE and ONLY promised I have asked him for and he pats me on the head and then I find out about it again several months later. in the last 7 months he has lost 3118 dollars (including overdraft fees)
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Well he definitely has a BIG problem if he is gambling that much money, and that is only what he’s lost!

Since it doesn’t sound like you have any children with him I am inclined to agree with Carol about the marriage validation. He is going to have to prove to you that he is serious about quitting and it sounds like he doesn’t always take counseling very serious.

To me, this is a make or break issue…I think it is that serious. Were you aware of his gambling when you married him or was this sprung on you after the fact?
 
The fact is that you can’t trust him. And until you can, having the marriage validated in the Church probably isn’t the best idea.

Do you work outside the home? If you do, then you might consider keeping your paycheck separate from his. You can be responsible for certain bills and tell him he’s responsible for others. And tell him that if his don’t get paid, then you won’t cover for him-you’ll simply move out or ask him to move out. And mean it when you say it. He’s not going to change if he thinks you’re bluffing.

If you don’t work outside the home, there are certainly other boundaries that you could set. Tell him he has to go to GA and anything else you want him to go to, for as long as you want him to go.

These are just suggestions, but the idea is that he knows where the line is and what the consequences will be if he crosses the line. And keep up with it until you feel you can trust him again.

I would also recommend you continue with your counseling so that you can learn how to support him in his recovery, without becoming an “inabler”.

Scout :tiphat:
 
I was aware that he gambled however I didn’t know what a problem it was until about 6 months into the marriage. The problem with splitting up is that we are in a community property state which means that we are both responsible for debts and I had no intention of getting married with a back door.
 
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Scout:
The fact is that you can’t trust him. And until you can, having the marriage validated in the Church probably isn’t the best idea.

Do you work outside the home? If you do, then you might consider keeping your paycheck separate from his. You can be responsible for certain bills and tell him he’s responsible for others. And tell him that if his don’t get paid, then you won’t cover for him-you’ll simply move out or ask him to move out. And mean it when you say it. He’s not going to change if he thinks you’re bluffing.

If you don’t work outside the home, there are certainly other boundaries that you could set. Tell him he has to go to GA and anything else you want him to go to, for as long as you want him to go.

These are just suggestions, but the idea is that he knows where the line is and what the consequences will be if he crosses the line. And keep up with it until you feel you can trust him again.

I would also recommend you continue with your counseling so that you can learn how to support him in his recovery, without becoming an “inabler”.

Scout :tiphat:
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The problem is that I don’t know where I am willing to draw the line and stand firm on
 
I think I’d rather be responsible for the debts with an end in sight rather than stuck married to an addict for the rest of my life.

I’m so sorry that you are faced with this difficult situation. I’m going to pray for you that you’ll have the wisdom to know what to do.
 
I am however in a silent demonstration… I am now wearing my wedding ring on my right hand until I feel like I can trust him again… I wonder if GA has sign off cards like AA and NA do?
 
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laceyaryn:
The problem is that I don’t know where I am willing to draw the line and stand firm on
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That is a problem. I think you should spend a lot of time praying about it. You might also talk to some recovering addicts to get their view-point on how you might proceed. Ask them what helped them change and what you can do to encourage your husband to get the help he needs.

I wasn’t suggesting divorce, but moving-out might send him the signal he needs to get his act together. Sometimes addicts need a shock to get them to see the severity of their situation.

I’ll pray for you and your family.

Scout :tiphat:
 
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laceyaryn:
I was aware that he gambled however I didn’t know what a problem it was until about 6 months into the marriage. The problem with splitting up is that we are in a community property state which means that we are both responsible for debts and I had no intention of getting married with a back door.
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I know you must hate to talk about splitting up but it is something that you must consider. I am going to pray that he gets his act together so that you do not have to take such drastic measures but if he isn’t giving 100% to your marriage then that may be your only option.

He has an addiction and there is no doubt in my mind even though I dont know him. He is eventually going to crash HARD and it would be better for you and your daughter if he doesn’t take you with him. Even if he flakes out on you and you end up retaining half his debt, that would be better than retaining all of it!

Do you feel that he is serious about counseling? Does he change the subject when you bring it up? And is he doing a lot of his gambling online or does he go out?
 
I thank you for and desparatly need all the prayers I can get. I wonder if I should come up with a spreadsheet of what he has cost the family. I feel like I crossed the line when I accessed his bank account online (no wonder he was slacking off on balancing his check book) I am so angry I can barely look or talk to him and I haven’t been able to eat since Friday. I asked him how he planned to resolve this and he asked that I blow out the savings and put him on a payment plan. From my calculations he should be able to pay back 400 per month as he was losing an average of 445 per month (forgive me I am a credit counselor and I am a numbers lady) but I feel like that would be bailing him out and that would put me as a full blown enabler. I put together the budget for the month of April and I stormed into his work during my lunch hour and slapped it on his desk and told him “You figure it out” but other than going through the savings he has come up with no solutions.
 
Do you feel that he is serious about counseling? Does he change the subject when you bring it up? And is he doing a lot of his gambling online or does he go out?

We aren’t talking alot right now I would only end up screaming at him and as much as I love the martyr role I know it isn’t healthy and will not keep him down for long

He goes out a debit card is not allowed for gambling but he does “pretend” gamble with Texas Hold 'em
 
I guess what I am trying to figure out is if he believes it is a big deal or not. By wearing your ring on your other hand you have given him a pretty good sign that it is a big deal to you. Do you think he shares your concern or can he easily shrug it off?

As for him coming up with solutions; there really is not solution because he doesn’t have the money. You have 2 problems right now; one is your husband is a gambling addict and is on the way to taking you all to the poor house and the other one is you dont have the money in your checking account to pay your mortgage. Unless you have other money somewhere you’re going to have to either take it out of the savings or not pay it…I would take it out of the savings! You will still be left with the big issue of his addiction but at least you can (hopefully) sleep at night knowing your not going to lose the house (this time).

I think you are going to have to get your own private bank account (if you dont already have one), have him sign his checks over to you, and you deposit all the money into that one account. That way he has absolutely no access to any of the money. He is basically a kid that gets money when mommy says it’s ok! Then you can put as much back into savings whenever you want and you dont have to worry about him using his debit card because he wont have one. Also, cancel any credit card he has access to if you have not already done so.

If he is not willing to go along with all of this in addition to all the counseling you have set up then I would not waste another dime (that could have gone towards your daughters benefit) on bailing him out. It’s really up to him, do you think he would agree to such a strict set up?
 
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