need advice

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curiousone

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need some help from the men and women if they feel comfortable about the topic. My son is thirteen and we have had “the talk” recently about sex, masturbating, respecting women etc. I am not worried about the premarital sex at this point, but I know he is masturbating and I know he wants probably has the urges to do it A LOT. What is a good way to handle this? I do not want to make him feel like a horrible person for doing it, but I also do not want to encourage it. It is a fine line to walk on. A discussion on the topic with you would be very helpful to me and maybe other fathers going through similar situations. If you are not a father, please feel free to respond as well. Thanks
 
Maybe you could give him some light stuff to read… like a book or something smaller written by Jason Evert… There the issue on mastubation will be dealt with too, but not as something standing out from all the rest. It might be good for your son to read something written by a man who is used to adressing these issues especially to teens…

You can check out Evert’s thoughts on www.pureloveclub.com

Ps… I think its great for your boy to have such a dad. How I wish my mom and dad had spoken to me about healthy/Christian sexuality while I was in my teens… instead I was thrown out into a youth culture where everything goes without any advice on how to navigate… 😦

So … 👍
 
Here is a terrific book to help you as parent and your son:
“Charity and Sex and the Young Man” by Herbert J Raterman, S.J. It was published in 1967; is now republished by Roman Catholic Books (booksforcatholics.com)). Father Raterman is a very holy, faithful and intelligent priest with great skills and experience in counseling young men. The book came to be because of all the questions and counsel he had given to young high school boys over the years. The purpose of the book: “*…to clear up much confusion in the minds of Catholic boys and to help them acquire a proper attitude about their newly acquired sexual powers.” *Father’s thesis point is that the *virtue of charity *in drawing [him] out of [his] selfish and self-centeredness into a God-centered and neighbor-centered mindset-lifestyle is critical for a life of abundance and fulfillment…now and especially in his adulthood years. Father Raterman is excellent at making sure that what is normal and natural in a young man’s sexual curiosity and development is specifically addressed and ratified…and he is right on target with the Church’s teaching in analyzing when a sin is serious (mortal) and when it is not. Bottom Line: every one of my sons (and other young men) whom I have used this book with have become incredibly intelligent about their sexual nature and powers…and what is proper/right in using them which enhances his person hood…and what is improper/wrong in using them and damages himself and maybe others. They are not saints and have to struggle like all of us sinners, but knowledge is power…and knowledge that is truth will set you free because truth is a person…Jesus Christ! Lastly, advise your son that young girls, young ladies and young women are most attracted to boys/men who are in control of themselves…they can sense it…and they respect it, because they intuitively know that they them self will not be treated as an object!😉

Note: the book has the Nihil Obstat and *Imprimatur *(Archbishop of Cincinnati --Leibold --1970). There is no subject/contents or index pages (it’s only 61 pages long); the section that would help your son is pg. 43-61…but I recommend you and he not skip through any of the book.
 
Ok, I’m a woman, and my children are not old enough for this to be an issue, but…

Do you take him to confession reguarly? Does he have a good examination of conscience that is age-appropriate, and that specifically mentions masturbation? If not, I’d recommend finding a good one (not too long - you don’t want the masturbation to get lost in a huge list of sins), and start going. This may give you a chance to have another conversation about the sins listed on the exam.

Ok, back to the advice from btdt parents…
 
I’m a father of 3 sons… but it will be a few years, thankfully, before I have to deal with this issue.

As a recent convert this is one of the few stickin’ points me personally. As a former Protestant Youth Director I knew no other Christians who believed masturbation was wrong until I started RCIA. Even the Catholics I have known for many years, some very devout, just disagree on this one.

So as someone who has found the Church’s teaching to be true in every other respect, I’m doing my best to truly understand the theology behind the belief. Yes, yes I can throw out some scriptures against lust etc… but I know of no Biblical verse targeting masturbation.

In order to better understand our teachings, so that I can explain them to my Protestant friends and eventually my sons, I’ve recently started reading Christopher West’s books on Theology of the Body and JPII’s actual sermons as well.

From those books I believe one of the above posters is on the right track in regards to chasty and reconcilliation. I have heard, from my Catholic friends, that many Priests they know say that it’s such a habit in teenage boys, it’s not even a motral sin because of the habit. Thus your son may or may not be jeapordizing his mortal soul.

HOWEVER, I say that not as an excuse but so that you can find a Priest who would talk openly about it with your son during confession. Since it sounds like you accept the teachings 100% (as we should) I would ask some of your Parish Priests how they feel about the topic with teenage boys before recommending your son to seek one out for confession.

My other suggestion to you is to pick up some of West’s books on Theology of the body. They make sense and I believe he has one for Teenagers.

We all sin and when we are young I believe the sexual sins are often the easiest for “good kids” to get caught up in because there is no law against most of them. As parents we probably also overlook them more easily if our child is doing everything “right.” I’ve heard many say, no one is perfect, so he/she does x, I can live with that. That’s probably not the message we want to send but I believe it’s important to make sure that you son, at least I will with mine, realizes that because you fail, because you give in to your passion and masturbate it’s not the end of the world.

It IS a grave matter though, but I believe the key is not rules but guidence and understanding (which is the path it sounds like you are pursuing anyway.)

I’ll end my going back to the Preist and restating what another poster said. Examination of conscience is the most important thing IMHO. If he realizes it’s wrong and fails from time to time, goes to confession and truly tries to do better while putting his faith in Christ then I believe that is the best thing you can do as a Father.

Why? because there are going to be other “sins” as he gets older that are “popular.” If he has learned to examin his consience and truly talk with God about these things while keeping the teachings of the Church, he will be a much stronger young man and a much better Catholic than the person who only does x because his parents said so.

At least that is my opinion.

Joe
 
www.sexrespect.com

in addition to the TOTB resources above.

Is he involved in the Parish Youth Ministry? Having a peer group of practicing Catholics, as well as good strong male Catholic mentors (aside from dad) is a good idea.
 
I know this sounds unlikely given that your son is 13 years old, but do you know if he’s masturbating while viewing pornography? If that’s the case, find out where the source is. Is it a computer? Friends with dirty magazines or films? The time to break the habit is now, and it may require a bit of preemptive effort on your part.

I’d start with monitoring his access to the computer. You may already have filtering software or parental controls installed, and that’s all well and good. But it is not a stand-alone solution. When I was 13 I used a tool called a keylogger to snap up my parents’ passwords and modify the parental control parameters just enough so that I would be able to download porn automatically from one source without attracting attention. Granted, most modern antivirus programs will detect the presence of tools like keyloggers, but many can still evade detection. Some are even hardware-based! It may require a period of physically monitoring his computer usage to steer him away from that temptation.

A great resource for your son would be some of Father Corapi’s talks on spiritual combat :knight1: I first heard some of these talks on EWTN by accident during my freshman year of college, and my life was changed within two minutes of tuning in. I believe they are suitable and even necessary for 13 year old American ears to hear.
 
He does not use the computer much yet, and when he does it is only with us in the room. He has told me that he just fantasizes about girls, but he has used pictures before.
 
Jason Evert changed the way I looked at anything to do with sex.

“If you really loved me” is a good book of his. It give very good advice about dealing with bad habits such as masturbation etc.

I think its a very important book to read. Also, the video “Romance without regret” is very good as well, though it doesn’t answer anything about masturbation directly, its a very positive video to watch.
I’d say the sooner your son gets a hold of that information, the better. He’ll enjoy the video, too. Its very funny.
 
Belgarion said:
Jason Evert changed the way I looked at anything to do with sex.

“If you really loved me” is a good book of his. It give very good advice about dealing with bad habits such as masturbation etc.

I think its a very important book to read. Also, the video “Romance without regret” is very good as well, though it doesn’t answer anything about masturbation directly, its a very positive video to watch.
I’d say the sooner your son gets a hold of that information, the better. He’ll enjoy the video, too. Its very funny.
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I actually bought that book and so far am pretty impressed with him.

my son is very upfront with his “exploits” at this time and actually he is being treated for OCD, due to very excessive thinking, worrying, and guilt. He is not able to go to confession now because he is in the process of converting to Catholicism (he has been going with his mom to a Lutheran church, long story but I will go into if necessary). She is supportive of him becoming Catholic actually and she is a few stumbling blocks away (some of them are bigger than others) from joining us.
 
curiousone said:
I actually bought that book and so far am pretty impressed with him.

my son is very upfront with his “exploits” at this time and actually he is being treated for OCD, due to very excessive thinking, worrying, and guilt. He is not able to go to confession now because he is in the process of converting to Catholicism (he has been going with his mom to a Lutheran church, long story but I will go into if necessary). She is supportive of him becoming Catholic actually and she is a few stumbling blocks away (some of them are bigger than others) from joining us.
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That is great to hear! If your son was properly baptized (and as a Lutheran it’s 99 percent certain that he was), he can go to confession on his “way in” to the Church. Ask him to ask his priest about it. I was 18 at the time of my conversion and I felt that I could not live another day in the state of mortal sin. So I asked my priest if I could go to confession a few weeks “early” to make my life’s confession and he said “Yes, absolutely!”
 
curiousone said:
He does not use the computer much yet, and when he does it is only with us in the room. He has told me that he just fantasizes about girls, but he has used pictures before.
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I don’t remember the author, but there is a book out by an evangelical team entitled *Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-Thirteen Generation. *

While masturbation may be so common as to be considered trivial, it is definitely the gateway to future trouble, especially in connection with “pictures.”

As for jwashu’s comments, keep in mind that marriage vows include the promise to “keep thee only unto [her/him] so long as you both shall live.” Masturbation is, by that vow, a form of infidelity.
 
Catholic Answers has excellent resources available just for these related issues.

Visit the Catholic Answers Home Page and type “purity” into the search area.
 
While giving your son appropriate information and encouragement in this area, please also remember that when this topic is discussed in the Catechism, immaturity is specifically mentioned as a mitigating circumstance that can lessen culpability. It is good to worry about his soul, but know that he is most likely incapable of being held to account for masturbation as a mortal sin at this point.

I have to be honest, I have real trouble in this area as well. I mean, I can see that masturbation violates the ideal use of our human sexuality. But a MORTAL sin? I can’t wrap my head around that… Perhaps because of my history, and having basically damaged ideas in the area of sexuality to begin with… I was molested by a couple of neighbor boys when I was young, not violently or anything, but it happened. As many of you may know, one of the consequences of child sexual abuse (and a sign to look for in young children) is that the child will start masturbating. Add into that that I had two parents determined not to “repress” me, who gave me no guidance except “use birth control,” and you end up with a person who, once she reads Catholic teaching on sexuality, thinks most of it is ridiculous and impossibly out of date.

One thing I would be adamant about is the pictorial aspect of the situation. Read the threads about pornography on these boards! There is nothing but pain and destruction to be had there… No one can get rid of every magazine, but anything over the line is easy to determine and be kept out of the house.

Good luck, and you do sound like a great dad…
 
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