Need Advice!!!

[John73]

The problem that I am having is that my Wife see’s nothing wrong with going out for some chicken wings at a bar and then a movie with two of our mutual friends who are guys and possibly another female who is friends with one of the guys. The first time she did this she asked me if it was OK for her to go out to which I replied that I didn’t believe it was right for her to go out with them even if we are both friends with them. While discussing this she was also instant messanging our friend. One of her responses to him what that “apparently he doesn’t trust me!” If the roles were reversed I would never even think about hanging out with two of her girlfriends with or without another guy there. Am I being a prude? To me there are certain lines that should not be crossed and this is one of them.

 

[jrabs]

What? It is absolutely unacceptable behavior.
Though you may all be friends, your 2 male friends do not respect you if they are going out with your wife while you stay home.

 

[mariam1976]

i am sorry but this is not the right behaviour… but did she ask you to go out with her?

also has she done this before?

 

[kage_ar]

My husband and I have friends, married - single - men and women. As an example, a single male friend of many years will come to town to visit us a few times each year.

He and I will schedule a Saturday outing, lunch or shopping, and sure, DH is included. Should DH have other plans, or a conflict, the friend and I will go it alone.

It is different for different people, we are in our 40s and have been married for ages, we are niether one jealous types. If my husband had issue with it, I’d not go with our friend and our friend would not WANT me to go if DH had a problem with it.

Perhaps it is time to develop friends who share your values?

 

[John73]

i am sorry but this is not the right behaviour… but did she ask you to go out with her?

also has she done this before?

We have three kids so we were not able to both go out together. She has not done this before.

 

[John73]

What? It is absolutely unacceptable behavior.
Though you may all be friends, your 2 male friends do not respect you if they are going out with your wife while you stay home.

I was thinking the same thing about them not respecting me. Unfortunately they are very liberal in some of there thinking.

 

[puzzleannie]

We have three kids so we were not able to both go out together. She has not done this before.

hire a babysitter and take your wife out regularly. there is another line that should never be crossed, and that is neglecting your wife. she is sending a message. Valentine’s day is coming up, so you better be listening.

 

[John73]

How do I respond to her saying that “I don’t trust her?” Perhaps deep down I really don’t?

 

[jrabs]

I was thinking the same thing about them not respecting me. Unfortunately they are very liberal in some of there thinking.

I’d hope liberal has nothing to do with respect for a husband and his marriage.

 

[jrabs]

hire a babysitter and take your wife out regularly. there is another line that should never be crossed, and that is neglecting your wife. she is sending a message. Valentine’s day is coming up, so you better be listening.

You are right on with this. She is sending a message that she needs some attention.

 

[Kanda]

As a woman, I personally find it difficult to form friendships with women. I have always gotten along better with men. I do have guy friends that I go out with, for an occasional lunch or what-not. My husband is aware of all of my friends, and I always ask him if he minds when I go out. We have small children and he understands I need time out, even time out from him occasionally.

Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with women socializing with men other than their husbands without the husband present, as long as it won’t cause a rift in the marrige.

Now, the trust issue. I think you should talk to her about this. Maybe you don’t trust her, that’s for you to work out. I don’t think she should have IM’ed her friend about that. It is a personal marital issue to be discussed between the two of you.

Oh, and I second the idea about stepping it up for Valentine’s Day. That can never hurt.

 

[chevalier]

As long as I weren’t neglected or specifically omitted, I wouldn’t mind. I would have a problem with extreme insistence on meeting someone who hasn’t been known for long enough to be a good friend, especially if my hypothetical wife seemed to be attracted to him “that way”. Any lie and the joking’s over, though. Same if the line’s crossed with gestures of affection or sexual comments or jokes are being given.

 

[shirleytowers]

There is no doubt in my mind that women can have platonic relationships with men, marriage status notwithstanding.

There is more doubt about the reverse-- can men have such friendships? Maybe not all men could, I would think. I would think the question is more do “you trust the guys,” than “do you trust the wife.”

I think your wife is entitled to go out with friends. You should go out sometimes, too, but it would be better to be able to go together. Maybe you could find a way.

That said, it is important for married women to avoid even the appearance of impropriety. You can do this and go out with friends, though.

 

[Cactus]

There are clear danger signs here. I would advise you to step in and not allow these “friends” to ruin your marriage.

 

[hasikelee]

The red flags seem to be:

1. One guy is going almost as a date, so that leaves your wife and the odd guy out. Seems a little set up by the guys.
2. She asked you in front of the guy. (Well, not personally, but while messaging him). What happened to talking with your spouse privately and coming to an agreement before talking to others? That is disrespectful and puts you on the spot.
3. She either tried to hurt you emotionally or manipulate you emotionally by telling the guy “you don’t trust her.” That was a one liner just to get you to react.
4. You guys are trying to meet your needs independently. Why not hire a babysitter for couple hours and enjoy some time with your wife? The best times of your and her life should be together, not with some acquaintances in a theater.

Personally, I think I could hang out with guy friends without my df being bothered and without me ever doing anything untoward. I also think I have a few guy friends who could hang out with me without having bad motivations. But one thing that stops me from doing that frequently or alone is scandal. Why would a happily married woman with children want to double date and see a movie without her husband?

Catching up with an old friend makes sense. Going out with coworkers on lunch makes sense. Double date at the theater? Strange and possibly scandalous, besides embarassing for you.

 

[marci]

I think it is inaproperiate for a married woman or man to go out for drinks at night with friends of the opposite sex. It’s not about trust, it’s about respect. It’s one thing to go to a business lunch with someone, or perhaps even meet clients for one drink after closing a deal or something, but just to go out and party at a bar, in my opinion, is disrespectful to the marriage. I have been married for almost 10 years, I trust my husband completely, but I would not want him to do something like this.

Just my :twocents:

 

[chevalier]

There is no doubt in my mind that women can have platonic relationships with men, marriage status notwithstanding.

There is more doubt about the reverse-- can men have such friendships? Maybe not all men could, I would think. I would think the question is more do “you trust the guys,” than “do you trust the wife.”

Shirleytowers, isn’t a platonic relationship supposed to mean some kind of strictly male-female love, if devoid of sex? In my view, a feeling which clearly needs a man and a woman is not compatible with being married (I’d rather not talk about the poor dumped people divorced by abusive spouses after a valid sacramental marriage, but… Let’s just say I would prefer to abstain. I would neither like to hurt them nor to say anything untrue ). This is to say if I were married and the wife had some traces of something romantic from ages past with some guy, like leftovers of leftovers, I would still trust her, and it’s not like I’d resent a living woman with flesh and blood for feeling attracted. However, acting on attraction - and platonic love seems to me to be acting on attraction - is not quite right in my book. If a friendship were to be platonic, then it would have to be a friendship without physical expression. That would be strange and a bit over the top - nothing wrong with a hug or even a kiss on the cheek or something like that. So one more argument for being careful with platonic things IMHO.

As for the difference between men and women in being able to stay friendly, I’d rather not presuppose it exists. Men and women have different patterns of attraction, different ways of expressing feelings, different patterns of sexual behaviour as well. Cheating and one night stands is something I would associate with males normally, even though statistics actually show the opposite (that is, if 15% men cheat, 16% women do, similarly negligible difference in favour of men, not likely proving anything positive about our race, but maybe merely that we aren’t actually bigger cheaters than women are ), but looking in other men or women for what the partner is not delivering is something I would instantly associate with women more than with men.

As an example, I don’t think I’ve ever come across a case of a man or boy inventing a non-existent love interest to spur the feelings of a woman or girl. It may have crossed my mind… oh, wait, I think I’ve done it once as a child… but it strikes me as a female thing. This may have to do more with wanting what they want from the partner rather than someone else, so not cheating, but it’s hard to take, as it undermines trust (women probably don’t take it this way). Men in turn probably have more trouble controlling the wandering eyes, but I’m not sure. More and more things seem to me to be unisex, as I age.