Need confession advice - returning to regular Church attendence

[LemonAndLime]

Hello everyone.

I’m in a difficult situation. I live with my boyfriend. I had hoped not to live together until marriage but the situation was that I felt it was the best option. Prior to living with him I used to houseshare with other university students. For my first and second year I lived in two different places, and at both of those I had very bad experiences. In my first year my food and things repeatedly went missing, I had nasty messages on social networking sites and felt like a prisoner in my room, too scared to leave it. The university eventually did act and those other students were officially disciplined after I finally had evidence. If they did it again they would have been suspended.

I moved out and went somewhere else for my 2nd year. Initially it seemed okay but again, my things went missing or were used and left unwashed, one of my housemates smoked in the house - they frequently played loud music. There were a few incidents which resulted in arguments. On one occasion my landlord’s daughter came to visit along with her partner because the freezer was broken. It wasn’t my fault yet her partner knocked on my door and shouted at me (he’s a 6ft male, I was on my own) saying I should have sorted it myself as it was irresponsible not to. I shouted back at him. I was really angry. My landlord’s daughter was effectively sending her partner to intimidate me and I really couldn’t live there anymore, which is good because I got my notice shortly beforehand. The other housemates stayed as they were friends with the landlord.

I had 2 months to find somewhere else, and I really really didn’t want to live with strangers again. My boyfriend was going to move out of his family home shortly, so it seemed like the obvious choice to move in together, although this has caused some spiritual distress to myself. We have talked about marriage but want to delay it until we’re in a better financial situation.

Can I still go to confession? I do not intend to move out as I enjoy living together, I am abstaining from communion but there are other sins I want to confess as well as this. I am trying to practice like a faithful Catholic despite this yet my motivation has been low. The relationship between myself and my boyfriend is very good, we’ve been together almost 3 years now and we love each other. Thank you.

 

[GEddie]

You cannot be forgiven of a sin that you have not repented, and you cannot be absolved of other sins while serious sin remains.

By all means, talk to a priest. But he will most likely tell you that you need to find new living arrangements. We are not ok to defer repentance just bcause we “enjoy” the sinful situation.

God Bless you. You are in my prayers.

ICXC NIKA

 

[nodito]

Hi Lemon,

I assume that when you say you are “living together” you mean that you are also engaging in sexual activity. The priest cannot absolve you if you do not intend to stop this, because a necessary part of the sacrament on reconcilliation is contrition and a firm purpose of ammendment (desiring to return to God). In your case, the priest would probably offer you absolution if you stopped all sexual activity and started looking for a way to move out.

Of course you enjoy living together! It’s fun being married, and that’s basically what you’re imitating. It’s fun to wake up next to your best friend and to have sex and to eat breakfast together in your pajamas. But these are privileges reserved for married people. In her wisom, the Church teaches that unmarried couples should live apart because it’s difficult to discern marriage, practice chastity, and be objective about the relationship when you are already pretending to be married to each other. Furthermore, it can cause scandal, which is when you give the impression to others that something sinful (sex with your boyfriend) is actually okay.

I think you set up a false dichotomy when you were looking for a place to live. It sounds like you felt it was either live with strangers and be scared and deal with missing food, or move in with your boyfriend. There are so many other alternatives. You could find an apartment by yourself. You could post something on facebook asking if any of your friends need a roommate. You could ask to live with relatives or family. You could agree to try living with another random girl (maybe just one roommate) but interview her well first. You could ask your priest if there are any married couples in your parish that would be willing to offer you a room in exchange for babysitting or whatever. Not all potential roommates are crazy.

At the very least, I would urge you to follow the tug at your heart that is prompting you to seek confession. Talk to the priest, even if you are not yet ready to start practicing chastity. Think about what is causing you “spiritual distress”. That warning bell is your conscience speaking to you, and it’ll start to get less intense the longer you persist in your current living situation, because you’ll stop hearing it.

God bless. And Happy Ash Wednesday! (“Repent, and believe in the Gospel!”)

 

[MissRose73]

Its best that you find other living arrangements if you wish to be able to receive Communion again. I know that our modern society has no issues with unmarried people living together and have all (or most) of the benefits of marriage without the piece of paper that says they are married. I do not personally condemn those men & women who live together for any reason without marriage as some do so without ANY sex involved but those kinds are probably far few and between.

Prayers to you that you can make the best choices and return to the sacraments.

 

[Steady_Eddy]

Hi,

I certainly would never advise anyone to stay away from Church or confession. But my understanding of confession is you must at least have the **sincere **desire and intent of not committing that sin again and you don’t seem to have that. Everything else in your thread is immaterial but this is very serious. It amazes me that so many are deliberately abstaining from Communion in order ‘to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season’ that’s putting it quite bluntly. When you do finally go to confession I hope you find a priest that’s not too liberal. The final choice in these matters is our own of course, it always is.

2 Cor 13:13
Eddy Barry

 

[opus101]

Hello everyone.

I’m in a difficult situation. I live with my boyfriend. I had hoped not to live together until marriage but the situation was that I felt it was the best option. Prior to living with him I used to houseshare with other university students. For my first and second year I lived in two different places, and at both of those I had very bad experiences. In my first year my food and things repeatedly went missing, I had nasty messages on social networking sites and felt like a prisoner in my room, too scared to leave it. The university eventually did act and those other students were officially disciplined after I finally had evidence. If they did it again they would have been suspended.

I moved out and went somewhere else for my 2nd year. Initially it seemed okay but again, my things went missing or were used and left unwashed, one of my housemates smoked in the house - they frequently played loud music. There were a few incidents which resulted in arguments. On one occasion my landlord’s daughter came to visit along with her partner because the freezer was broken. It wasn’t my fault yet her partner knocked on my door and shouted at me (he’s a 6ft male, I was on my own) saying I should have sorted it myself as it was irresponsible not to. I shouted back at him. I was really angry. My landlord’s daughter was effectively sending her partner to intimidate me and I really couldn’t live there anymore, which is good because I got my notice shortly beforehand. The other housemates stayed as they were friends with the landlord.

I had 2 months to find somewhere else, and I really really didn’t want to live with strangers again. My boyfriend was going to move out of his family home shortly, so it seemed like the obvious choice to move in together, although this has caused some spiritual distress to myself. We have talked about marriage but want to delay it until we’re in a better financial situation.

Can I still go to confession? I do not intend to move out as I enjoy living together, I am abstaining from communion but there are other sins I want to confess as well as this. I am trying to practice like a faithful Catholic despite this yet my motivation has been low. The relationship between myself and my boyfriend is very good, we’ve been together almost 3 years now and we love each other. Thank you.

Was there some reason that you were unable to live in a dorm your first two years, and even now? That would have been the safest place, and you probably wouldn’t have run into any of these problems.

 

[dans0622]

… We have talked about marriage but want to delay it until we’re in a better financial situation.

Can I still go to confession? I do not intend to move out as I enjoy living together, I am abstaining from communion but there are other sins I want to confess as well as this. I am trying to practice like a faithful Catholic despite this yet my motivation has been low. …

Hello,

Others have already said that a valid confession requires a desire to amend one’s life. So, it seems you aren’t ready to confess. If you have proper intentions and priorities in your life, you can confess. It seems you know what you *should *do…

I’ve never heard of marriage being delayed because of finances. Marriage makes finances better/easier. If you aren’t ready to marry, you aren’t ready and that’s fine. But, if that’s the case, you shouldn’t pretend that you are ready–by living together, this is what you are doing. In addition to excluding yourself from Communion and putting your soul in danger (things a marital relationship should never do since the point of marriage is to help the other grow in holiness and attain eternal life), your relationship is a prime example of putting the cart before the horse. I imagine your boyfriend is the one riding the horse and you, because of the circumstances you detailed, are in the cart, along for the ride. The problem is, you might not be moving anywhere in this relationship.

You are living as a married person but do not have the commitment. If/when you marry, will the commitment be present? Most of the time, it isn’t and the couple divorce. In my work, I see this every day. I hope and pray you are able to live out your young, Catholic faith, even with low motivation to do so.

Dan

 

[Annabelle_Marie]

Hello everyone.

I’m in a difficult situation. I live with my boyfriend. I had hoped not to live together until marriage but the situation was that I felt it was the best option. Prior to living with him I used to houseshare with other university students. For my first and second year I lived in two different places, and at both of those I had very bad experiences. In my first year my food and things repeatedly went missing, I had nasty messages on social networking sites and felt like a prisoner in my room, too scared to leave it. The university eventually did act and those other students were officially disciplined after I finally had evidence. If they did it again they would have been suspended.

I moved out and went somewhere else for my 2nd year. Initially it seemed okay but again, my things went missing or were used and left unwashed, one of my housemates smoked in the house - they frequently played loud music. There were a few incidents which resulted in arguments. On one occasion my landlord’s daughter came to visit along with her partner because the freezer was broken. It wasn’t my fault yet her partner knocked on my door and shouted at me (he’s a 6ft male, I was on my own) saying I should have sorted it myself as it was irresponsible not to. I shouted back at him. I was really angry. My landlord’s daughter was effectively sending her partner to intimidate me and I really couldn’t live there anymore, which is good because I got my notice shortly beforehand. The other housemates stayed as they were friends with the landlord.

I had 2 months to find somewhere else, and I really really didn’t want to live with strangers again. My boyfriend was going to move out of his family home shortly, so it seemed like the obvious choice to move in together, although this has caused some spiritual distress to myself. We have talked about marriage but want to delay it until we’re in a better financial situation.

Can I still go to confession? I do not intend to move out as I enjoy living together, I am abstaining from communion but there are other sins I want to confess as well as this. I am trying to practice like a faithful Catholic despite this yet my motivation has been low. The relationship between myself and my boyfriend is very good, we’ve been together almost 3 years now and we love each other. Thank you.

One other thing to consider-couples that live together and then get married have a higher chance of getting divorced. This is not what anyone would wish for you…you may enjoy it now…but you can be setting the both of you up for heartbreak later.

 

[Bookcat]

Catechism:

VII. THE ACTS OF THE PENITENT (for confession)

1450 "Penance requires . . . the sinner to endure all things willingly, be contrite of heart, confess with the lips, and practice complete humility and fruitful satisfaction."49

Contrition

1451 Among the penitent’s acts contrition occupies first place. Contrition is "sorrow of the soul and detestation for the sin committed, together with the resolution not to sin again."50

1452 When it arises from a love by which God is loved above all else, contrition is called “perfect” (contrition of charity). Such contrition remits venial sins; it also obtains forgiveness of mortal sins if it includes the firm resolution to have recourse to sacramental confession as soon as possible.51

1453 The contrition called “imperfect” (or “attrition”) is also a gift of God, a prompting of the Holy Spirit. It is born of the consideration of sin’s ugliness or the fear of eternal damnation and the other penalties threatening the sinner (contrition of fear). Such a stirring of conscience can initiate an interior process which, under the prompting of grace, will be brought to completion by sacramental absolution. By itself however, imperfect contrition cannot obtain the forgiveness of grave sins, but it disposes one to obtain forgiveness in the sacrament of Penance.52

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We are now in Lent --good time for us all to get our house more in order…or in some cases… find a new one

 

[GEddie]

Lamentably, it has become the norm in this place and time, for young couples to live together for “financial reasons” that include, among other things, saving up for a fairytale wedding. Extremely sad, all around.

ICXC NIKA

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I agree with above posts and urge you to change your living arrangements asap. We must never go to confession knowing that we will carry on with mortal sin.

I want to share my story because I was in the same situation several years ago. We moved in together although I knew that was wrong. By that point I had enough of dirty/annoying/not paying rent/ party animal flatmates and moving in together seemed like a reasonable thing to do. I managed to silence my conscience but after a few months I couldn’t carry on because although I enjoyed living with him I knew it was wrong. So I gathered my courage and moved out. We found a solution. It wasn’t ideal but it worked well enough. Our relationship became chaste at that point and I finally felt free and able to live my faith. Our friends were shocked and couldn’t understand why we wouldn’t live together, especially after we got engaged. We have been married for 3 and a half years and I am convinced that not living together and being chaste was crucial for our relationship now.

I don’t want to sound holier than thou, but being a Christian comes with a price. We live in this world but are not of it. Our faith teaches that there is objective truth and that things are sometimes objectively bad, no matter what society tells us. Living together without being married is one of those things. Accepting this reality is really hard sometimes, as you have realised by now. But it is so worth following God’s law. Making a few sacrifices for God is a good thing. Put your trust in Him and you will be ok. He will not let you down, that is a promise. Put your relationship in His hands and do the right thing. Only good can come out of that.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[Joan_M]

Hello everyone.

I’m in a difficult situation. I live with my boyfriend. I had hoped not to live together until marriage but the situation was that I felt it was the best option. Prior to living with him I used to houseshare with other university students. For my first and second year I lived in two different places, and at both of those I had very bad experiences. In my first year my food and things repeatedly went missing, I had nasty messages on social networking sites and felt like a prisoner in my room, too scared to leave it. The university eventually did act and those other students were officially disciplined after I finally had evidence. If they did it again they would have been suspended.

I moved out and went somewhere else for my 2nd year. Initially it seemed okay but again, my things went missing or were used and left unwashed, one of my housemates smoked in the house - they frequently played loud music. There were a few incidents which resulted in arguments. On one occasion my landlord’s daughter came to visit along with her partner because the freezer was broken. It wasn’t my fault yet her partner knocked on my door and shouted at me (he’s a 6ft male, I was on my own) saying I should have sorted it myself as it was irresponsible not to. I shouted back at him. I was really angry. My landlord’s daughter was effectively sending her partner to intimidate me and I really couldn’t live there anymore, which is good because I got my notice shortly beforehand. The other housemates stayed as they were friends with the landlord.

I had 2 months to find somewhere else, and I really really didn’t want to live with strangers again. My boyfriend was going to move out of his family home shortly, so it seemed like the obvious choice to move in together, although this has caused some spiritual distress to myself. We have talked about marriage but want to delay it until we’re in a better financial situation.

Can I still go to confession? I do not intend to move out as I enjoy living together, I am abstaining from communion but there are other sins I want to confess as well as this. I am trying to practice like a faithful Catholic despite this yet my motivation has been low. The relationship between myself and my boyfriend is very good, we’ve been together almost 3 years now and we love each other. Thank you.

You can only go to confession if you are going to confess all the mortal sins you are aware of having committed and have a sincere desire to amend your life (that means, to not commit them again).

You are living with your boyfriend, and we all suppose that that includes having sex with him. Well, having sex with someone who is not your spouse is a mortal sin - a new one, every time you have sex.

While I can sympathize with all the problems you experienced living elsewhere, not a thing you told us constitutes an excuse to commit mortal sin. You have no excuse whatsoever. Find another place to live. Stop living with someone you are not married to. Either marry now, or split completely. Repent and return to the Lord.

If you were to die tomorrow, you would have to face God for judgement. You know what it would be, don’t you? Nothing is worth risking that!