Need direction on this marriage problem

[jen1967]

When is it time to think about moving out of the area to put distance between your family and interfering extended family? My husband and I since the onset of our marriage (actually it started during the planning phase of the wedding) have had conflict with mainly my mother attempting to exert her influence on our decisions (ie godparents for my daughter, date of our wedding, etc.). When we have not made a decision she agrees with, there is major conflict and she can become highly emotional and at times nasty. Or if I attempt to honor my mother’s request (such as when I agreed not to get married on a particular day in May) my husband becomes resentful (rightfully so) and wishes she would mind her own business. My mother has a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder and over the years I have learned to cope with her behavior and am somewhat numb to her tactics, but my husband is really being affected negatively by this to the point that he says she is no longer welcome in our home and he wants nothing more to do with her. We are in counseling already to work on these issues. It has gotten to the point that I now am considering moving away to allow us to establish our marriage on a better foundation than we have now, although I am very apprehensive about the thought of leaving my hometown and do not in truth want to do it, but my marriage is suffering!! Help! I should add that we have been married 2 1/2 years, have a nine month old daughter and are expecting a son in Jan. I don’t relish the thought of being away from extended family with 2 small children but…maybe the benefits would outweigh the losses.

 

[QuicumqueVult]

I am not a marriage therapist. I will tell you as a priest that your relationship with your husband is the most important one you have with another human being, because that relationship was formed through the special grace of a sacrament. Therefore, your relationship with your mother is subordinate, as is your relationships with your children (sorry – but hubby comes first, and you come first for him). Your husband is person #1 after the Tri-personal Godhead. Biological relationships, being natural, have their own graces and moral obligations, but Matrimony is sacramental and absolutely unique and must be protected at all cost.

For what it’s worth: when I was an engineer, my wife and I left our hometown and parents for the first and lived a while overseas in the UK. Neither had lived more than 40 miles from home. It was absolutely the best year of our life in terms of bonding. We had nobody either to support us or to bother us, until we got involved in our local parish. It was brilliant! But we came back and were closer to parents. But none of them has PTSD.

Also-- this is something you need to discuss with your therapist. As a priest I am merely trying to help to realize your religiously-grounded priorities.

 

[La_Chiara]

First, recognize that this is a pretty common part of becoming a married couple and your own family–redefining your relationships with in-laws and focusing on your husband and children. To say it is normal doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult or painful. So it is a good thing that you are getting counseling to help with your relationship with your mother. I suspect that you may be in your early or mid 20s and have not lived away from home for an extended period. Counseling should help you to set loving boundaries with your mother. Moving away is a drastic step to take. You might well be “cutting off your nose to spite your face”, as my late mother used to say! I bet you will look back with humor in 20 years. Actually, viewing your situation with humor even now can only help! God bless. And remember that you are lucky to still have your mother.

 

[Linda_H]

Jen, the way I see it you have 2 choices, set firm rules for your mother and tell her she must respect them or you will be forced to move away, or just go ahead and make the move. Your marriage must come first. You said your mom has PTSD, is she in a on going treatment program? It sounds as if she uses it as an excuse to manipulate and control you, and PTSD is no excuse for that type of behavior!

Linda H.

 

[sparkle]

QuicumqueVult:

I am not a marriage therapist. I will tell you as a priest that your relationship with your husband is the most important one you have with another human being, because that relationship was formed through the special grace of a sacrament.

Wow!! Are you really a priest? Awesome!!!

Yes, I too believe that a spouse should come first in all instances over parents, siblings and extended family. However, trouble arises when one partner seems more “yoked” to their parent than their spouse. Very unfortunate.

I say first talk with your mom, tell her kindly to “but out”. If she doesn’t, tell her she loses the privilege of a relationship with you and your family in that case. You shouldn’t have to move to accomplish this. You seem to have a hard time setting boundaries which seems in my view, to be the major issue here.

PLEASE READ the book “Boundaries in Marriage” immediately.

God Bless~~

 

[La_Chiara]

sparkle:

Wow!! Are you really a priest? Awesome!!!

sparkle–I thought that was interesting too, particularly in light of the fact that Quicumque mentioned his wife. On his public profile he says he is Anglican. So he is an Anglican priest, not a Catholic priest. I think Anglicans are the only Protestants who call their pastors “priests”, rather than ministers.

 

[sparkle]

La Chiara:

sparkle–I thought that was interesting too, particularly in light of the fact that Quicumque mentioned his wife. On his public profile he says he is Anglican. So he is an Anglican priest, not a Catholic priest. I think Anglicans are the only Protestants who call their pastors “priests”, rather than ministers.

OOOOOHHHHH!!! Cool!!!

Thanks for clarifying!!!

 

[Jermosh]

There is biblical and oral teachings that your mother need to not be a drive between you. If you need to leave you are most certainly allowed and encouraged to.

 

[MamaGeek]

A little space may be a good thing. My husband and I live between our parents. Mine are to the south, his to the north. Mine live almost 2 hours drive away, his 1 hour. It works out very well for us, since the distance provides a “buffer zone” from interfering in-laws. It can be difficult to pick up your roots and plant them in a new town, but I really think it’s a great idea for you. God Bless!

 

[dhgray]

“your relationship with your husband is the most important one you have with another human being, because that relationship was formed through the special grace of a sacrament. Therefore, your relationship with your mother is subordinate, as is your relationships with your children (sorry – but hubby comes first, and you come first for him). Your husband is person #1 after the Tri-personal Godhead. Biological relationships, being natural, have their own graces and moral obligations, but Matrimony is sacramental and absolutely unique and must be protected at all cost.”

I teach Marriage Prep for our the Couples For Christ and we run into this problem too.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. "

Please find yourself a spiritual family which will help you two grow as one. We are here to help.

 

[T.A.Stobie_SFO]

First, sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel about it and how he does.

Then as a united front, tell your mother that your decisions are your decisions and while you will listen to her advice if she gives it in a non-threatening, non-demanding way, you retain the right to make any decision about your family.

My mother’s mother early in their marriage tried to tell my mother want to do, and my father told her that this is my father and mother’s home and they make the decisions here, not her. Once the guideline was laid down, my grandmother was much better about trying to force her way.

 

[otm]

I suspect that your fears about moving away from your howmtown are seriously overblown. You don’t necessarily have to move a thousand miles away to get the space that you need. But your alternatives don’t sound marriage enhancing. If jobs are not a major issue (able to get something reasonably quickly elsewhere), by all means move. Your mother is either unable to change her controlling behavior, or is not willing to change. The longer this oges, the more it eats at your marriage.

There is a lot of reality in the two leaving father and mother and becoming one flesh. If you approach the move as a positive thing, it most likely will be, by and large. Old friends, if they are truly friends, will continue to be, although from a distance. And you will make new friends. Get out of the rut. Make the move. There are enough hassles in being married without having the inlaws become outlaws.

 

[puzzleannie]

I wouldn’t move 1000 miles away, 200 is about right, 3-hour drive, enough to visit for a weekend, too far for the day. That is the advice I gave my daughters, and the advice we followed, best thing we ever did. A man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, it is in the bible. Respect for parents is not the same as allowing them and enabling them in being manipulative. You can’t make MIL or Mom get therapy, but you can make sure you as a couple are a united front and married to each other, not your parents.

 

[Princess_Abby]

My husband and I are going through this right now. We’ve been married for a little over 13 months, and his parents have caused nothing but heartache, turmoil and disaster. They are SO SO SO CONTROLLING AND INTRUSIVE!!! They have zero boundaries.

We got into counseling and have been seeing a wonderful Catholic therapist who basically told us to separate ourselves completely from them. He stated that their involvement and behavior toward us and between the two of them was “toxic” and would only hurt us and our relationship. We wrote my in-laws a 12 page letter detailing our issues with their behavior (it’s very extensive, very deeply rooted, very unhealthy and abusive). Their response has been very difficult for us. Right now we are living 40 minutes from them and 1200 miles from my parents. Because we’re realizing that the situation with his parents WILL NOT CHANGE, at least not in the near future, and the toll it’s taking on us (emotionally, spiritually, physically) is so huge that we’re not considering uprooting our life entirely and moving back to my hometown, outside of kansas city (and sort of in the middle of nowhere).

i am not thrilled with moving back to kansas. but, my parents, two sisters and my brother all live there. my brother has a ten month old baby, a little cousin and playmate for future babies of ours… and at this point, i don’t care how close i am to the ocean, big cities, mountains, etc. i just want a support system that is not going to emotionally destroy us!!!

our therapist strongly encourages kansas, but my husband has a slightly older cousin (we are 24, she and her husband are 32) who are moving from new york city to phoenix in the next few months. so, it’s another place we’re considering. we just really want a support system…and mostly to get away from the CRAZY CRAZY behavior of his parents. we seriously fear for when we have children and the intrusion they would cause upon our life.

my husband loves his job and is very concerned about potentially leaving it. but he has pointed out that the PRIMARY PURPOSE of marriage is to procreate and raise babies. therefore…our whole concern needs to be, “where can we best raise a family and nurture one another?” not “oooh how close am i to vacation spots, nice weather, etc.” i realized that personally, my priorities were slightly out of order. no matter where we go or what we do, we have to put our immediate, family of choice, FIRST.

i would reccommend looking on catholictherapists.com if you want some insight from an orthodox therapist! counseling, though expensive because our insurance doesn’t cover it (many do), has been the best money we’ve ever spent. it TOTALLY VALIDATES your feelings and puts things into perspective.