Need help and advice now!

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Jabronie

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Sorry for the frantic thread title. I’ve been dating a girl for two years now who is a Lutheran. Every thing about our relationship is perfect in every way except for one thing. It’s also the one thing that is delaying our engagement. Care to guess what that one thing is? 😦

She’s still completely against my faith. I had been putting off talking about it until yesterday, and it just didn’t go very well. The thing that’s weird is that I am able to answer most of her questions in a way she understands, but then she’ll turn it around as an attack on her. (“So I’m not good enough to receive YOUR Communion” “My church is fake to you” That sort of thing.)

Anyhow, I can talk theology all day with her, but that’s not this issue at hand. Her issue is simply that she doesn’t want me to be Catholic.

I met with a priest to talk about my background, her background and where I go from here. He gave me some really good advice, but I just can’t get through to her.

I’m scared to death of losing her and don’t know what to do next. I need prayers and adive pronto!
 
Don’t be scared of losing her. The situation you describe is not ideal for starting out a marriage. Give her materials to read–Catholic Answers is a great place to start. Let her know you care for her but that it is not an option for you NOT to be Catholic. Put the ball in her court. If she cares enough about you, she will want to pursue the relationship. Then you can build from there. I suggest the reading materials, because if you are like me, sometimes things make perfect sense in my head but I have trouble putting the words there! I have gotten comments like you describe from my family also, and I think it is due to my weakness in communicating, and also just the emotional factor that is there when 2 people are talking, especially in a dating relationship.

God bless!
 
I’m sorry that I can’t offer much advice, other than this personal experience. My mother-in-law uses the same lines about communion, and she made life at home a living hell for my husband when he converted (this was before we were married and while we still lived with our parents). She also had demeaning views of other Protestant faiths and “forced” my father-in-law to convert to her church. Be careful, because I would hate for you to end up in a situation like them :eek: If your spouse is attacking your faith, it is much harder to have a peaceful home life, and peace is one of the most important things to have in your life!
 
Ideally, both parties would be Catholic. Others are called to interfaith marriages, but mutual respect for the spouse’s faith is imperative. If she cannot discuss your differences without either being hostile or taking offense, it won’t be a loss to lose her.
 
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Jabronie:
Sorry for the frantic thread title. I’ve been dating a girl for two years now who is a Lutheran. Every thing about our relationship is perfect in every way except for one thing. It’s also the one thing that is delaying our engagement. Care to guess what that one thing is? 😦

She’s still completely against my faith. I had been putting off talking about it until yesterday, and it just didn’t go very well. The thing that’s weird is that I am able to answer most of her questions in a way she understands, but then she’ll turn it around as an attack on her. (“So I’m not good enough to receive YOUR Communion” “My church is fake to you” That sort of thing.)

Anyhow, I can talk theology all day with her, but that’s not this issue at hand. Her issue is simply that she doesn’t want me to be Catholic.

I met with a priest to talk about my background, her background and where I go from here. He gave me some really good advice, but I just can’t get through to her.

I’m scared to death of losing her and don’t know what to do next. I need prayers and adive pronto!
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How does she feel about being married in the Catholic Church by a Catholic Priest. You should never compromise your beliefs. I know you are “in love” with her but when the passion cools down, will you have a wife who respect you and your faith? If you are willing to compormise on your faith, what else are you going to compromise on? If she is asking you to give up the Catholic Church, what is she going to give up for you?
 
I really am in no position to give you advice, but I feel I need to say something. My heart feels for you, although sometimes it is best to listen to your head rather than your heart. If we are truly Catholic, then we know we must put God first, family second (spouse). If we have God as our first priority then all else is secondary and will fall into place. With that said, I think you can reflect on what Lone Catholic said about putting the ball in her court. Can you sacrifice your relationship with God for a relationship with this woman?
 
Have you talked about children yet? If she is willing to raise the kids Catholic then their is hope. Is she willing to get married in the Catholic Church? If these two things work out, then you can still have a wonderful life together. If not, you have serious problems. I wish you well.
 
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Jabronie:
Sorry for the frantic thread title. I’ve been dating a girl for two years now who is a Lutheran.

Anyhow, I can talk theology all day with her, but that’s not this issue at hand. Her issue is simply that she doesn’t want me to be Catholic.

I met with a priest to talk about my background, her background and where I go from here. He gave me some really good advice, but I just can’t get through to her.

I’m scared to death of losing her and don’t know what to do next. I need prayers and adive pronto!
Click to expand...
Stop trying to change her. WALK AWAY. She is simply not the one for you. You will not change her, and you are asking for nothing but hardship and heartache if you marry someone hostile to the faith and then try to make it work. Do not go there.

I never recommend dating outside the faith for this very reason. You are now being asked to choose between her and your faith. You know you must choose your faith. I am sorry that you are in this position.
 
Contraception would be a third thing (would she give up birth control forever?)
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pira114:
Have you talked about children yet? If she is willing to raise the kids Catholic then their is hope. Is she willing to get married in the Catholic Church? If these two things work out, then you can still have a wonderful life together. If not, you have serious problems. I wish you well.
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1ke:
Stop trying to change her. WALK AWAY. She is simply not the one for you. You will not change her, and you are asking for nothing but hardship and heartache if you marry someone hostile to the faith and then try to make it work. Do not go there.

I never recommend dating outside the faith for this very reason. You are now being asked to choose between her and your faith. You know you must choose your faith. I am sorry that you are in this position.
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Sadly for you, I agree. But it is MUCH better to suffer through the heartache of breaking up now, rather than enduring a life of non-stop conflict - espeically after the children come. I can’t imagine she’ll want her children raised Catholic - also, what will be her feelings on birth control?

If she is that hostile to your faith, she obviously isn’t the woman God has in mind for you to spend the rest of your life with. I’ve heard it said that the goal of marrage should be to help our spouse get to heaven… she wants you to ditch your faith… obviously that’s NOT the right goal.
 
I’ll add a little more. Surprisingly, contraception isn’t an issue. Children are a big issue, however.

I also don’t think she’s being really hostile toward my faith; just more scared of it. Her father was Catholic and left the Church to marry her mother, and I think she had a pretty anti-Catholic upbringing.

There are some good things though. She’s acknowleged several times how I seem so much happier, loving, and stable since coming back to the Church. I knew she was a little uncomfortable with my sudden return, but I didn’t know until yesterday how big of an issue it was.
 
Hi Jabronie, ask her to take your membership type class in your church ( man as spiritual leader ) and you take her churches membership class together ( man is willing to sacrafice himself for his wife ). This will either bridge the gap between your two faith communities or it will give you both a saving face seperation as future husband and wife while leaving the door open for friendship. And, who knows, the people involved will have a kinder heart towards others. You could also do marriage classes, couseling in both churches too.
 
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Jabronie:
I’ll add a little more. Surprisingly, contraception isn’t an issue. Children are a big issue, however.

I also don’t think she’s being really hostile toward my faith; just more scared of it. Her father was Catholic and left the Church to marry her mother, and I think she had a pretty anti-Catholic upbringing.

There are some good things though. She’s acknowleged several times how I seem so much happier, loving, and stable since coming back to the Church. I knew she was a little uncomfortable with my sudden return, but I didn’t know until yesterday how big of an issue it was.
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I think it’s interesting that her father left the Catholic Church for her mother… I have personally witnessed that time & time again. We attended a Lutheran Church for awhile because my kids attended the school (this was our pre-Catholic days) and I had SEVERAL friends who’s husbands grew up Catholic but left because the wives were unwilling to become Catholic. As I think about it now, I could rattle off 10 couples I personally know. And you wanna know something else… none of the husbands really took to the Lutheran faith… they were all sort of lukewarm Christaians… much to their wives’ disappointment.

The question isn’t is she hostile to your faith… or even scared really… the question is: Does she support your faith? And if the answer is no… and you can’t even really have a calm conversation about it - where do you go from here?

I’m sure she’s a nice girl - why else would you love her so? I just don’t think the road ahead will be an easy one and marrage is hard enough without adding the difficultly of being two different religions. Do some people make it work? Sure. But more often than not, I think no. And as I said… YOU will probably be the one to leave your faith. How sad is that?
 
Something else, and it probably seems silly but it has proven to be true in my experience when dealing with relationships (any type of relationships).

The way a person speaks to me when they disagree with me gives me a great deal of insight into their character and their temperment. If, for instance, their answers to everything is always centered on themselves (well, so that means I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH for blah blah blah…or so what you’re really saying is you don’t think I SHOULD DO whatever it is we are talking about) then I am talking to someone who is so selfish and self-centered they are unable to see the bigger picture, or unable to let go of the ‘me’ in whatever is in the issue at hand.

Your religion is important to you. Her religion is important to her. This is as it is and may or may not change - but what is really interesting is how she reacts to your sharing the doctrines and dogmas of your faith. If she is super defensive NOW then how is she going to react when it is time to raise children in the Holy Mother Church?

It’s just a thought…
 
Dear OP, obviously you know your situation and your girlfriend far, far better than I do, but something about your post set off warning bells for me based on my own relationship experience.

I find it a bit worrisome that your girlfriend interprets your efforts at open, honest communication as a personal attack or an attack on her faith. This is something that verbally abusive people do. I am not trying to say she is verbally abusive–you’d be a far better judge of that. But please do keep an eye out for that kind of behavior. No matter how good other aspects of your relationship may be, you do not want to marry someone with whom you cannot hold a productive, honest problem-solving session.

If she accuses you of feeling or saying things you do not feel or say (like “so I’m not good enough!!!” or “my church is fake to you!”) you’re not going to be able to get this resolved… no matter how kind and straightforward and logical you yourself behave. This behavior of hers may not always be confined just to discussions about the Church.

As a Catholic your faith and your relationship with God is the most important part of who you are. You’ve been in this relationship a long time, but it’s very problematic that your girlfriend detests your faith.

Take this opportunity to examine yourself as well as your relationship with your girlfriend. Why doesn’t she love your Church after spending two years with you and watching how you love the Lord with all your heart, mind and soul? Remember to take your call to holiness very seriously. In my marriage I’ve noticed that my husband (a lapsed Catholic) looks upon the Church more favorably when I try my hardest to live up to what I should be as a Catholic Christian.
 
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