Need help for shy teen

[LilyElain]

I was exactly like this as a young girl…and it took sometime for me to come out of a shell I had built during junior high and high school. I am an artistic introvert as well, and some bullying situations in junior high acerbated the situation. I also matured quickly being the eldest, and did not find myself getting along with girls my age…but I did start getting involved in literary groups and things with my mothers encouragement and slowly made a few close girl friends. As others have said…please do not push her though!! This only makes the situation worse…find what she loves and encourage her to pursue those things, and through those she may also meet young people her age that enjoy the same things she does…I did make several friends and opened up, especially in college when I was in subjects that I enjoyed…

 

[SGTTOM]

As a 15 year old, I don’t like it when my parents push me to go to social events, which they don’t that often. I am kinda the kid that sits alone in the corner at Church events and stuff. I have just never been able to approach someone I don’t know and say hello. I get nervous and end up just continuing my thoughts in the corner.
I am confident if I got into a conversation I was familiar with and could add to I would be fine, but I just seem to get a bit nervous and can’t think of much to say. I pretty much have had one best friend(outside of family) which I met when I was 4.
Of course when your little 4-7 it is easier to communicate with other kids as you mostly just run around and play. Worrying about what to say never goes to your head. As you get older though, there is less playing pirate, army, and tag and more just talking.

I have some hobbies and have connected with people over the web with the same interests through forums and organizations. I have since met many of them and have been very non shy. Its much easier when you send a few emails over the web and then in person you have something to talk about as you share some interests and then the rest comes easier. You have to be careful working over the Internet though.

I guess I am just not much of an up front person at this stage of my life anyways.

So I wouldn’t think there is anything wrong with your daughter, probably just on the shy side like me. Hope this might help in a small way.

Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!

 

[ggg]

JMJ

Thank you (15 y.o.) for responding regarding my daughter. I agree with you, your plan, and how you feel. She is very similar. She gets stuck at that first step. When I said “social events”, I did not really mean that I send her off to teenage dances, etc. Being homeschooled, you probably know that families have many opportunities to go to events/activities together. Instead of heading for the place where the teens gather, she often likes to sit around the adults and listen in on what is being said about the current events in the Church and politics. As for the internet, she does belong to a writer’s forum where she submits some of her work for others to read and comment on. She has no problem with that. She really enjoys having the opportunity for others to see her work. She is in a chess club and has started her own art business for children’s events. She loves to bake. So I think that I need not get alarmed. She has many interests, and interacts with others when there is something to do. I realize that it is quite normal for children her age to feel like she does. I just see that she is having low self esteem and feels that she is tired of being so quiet/nervous when out. Therefore, if anyone has anymore specific tips for her, please don’t hesitate to reply. Thank you all for your help thus far. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all! St. Sylvester, pray for us!

 

[agp2176]

GG and AngloCatholic1,

get your teens involved in a speech or debate club (toastmasters, gavel club, rotary, or something similar). Your teens are probably ‘starving’ to develop these type skills, and they won’t learn them from just ‘hanging around other ‘undirected’ teens’ - at least not the skills you want them to.

This is a GREAT idea. See if there is a team with the National Forensic League at there school. I was and still am very shy, but I excelled at public speaking and debating.

That said, these sound like two first class teenagers. Any teen who eschews the empty worlds presented to them is tip top in my book. Nurture this gift in them. Expand their minds with books and film and TV programming (via EWTN!) that has quality and substance.

Oh how I wish my niece was like this. She’s smart and all but so into rubbish materialism and teen culture that I have cried a river over her

God bless!

Tony

 

[atpeacewithlife]

Hello, my first post!

I completely understand you daughter, I know, I lived it.

Shyness is not something you just overcome. Shy people don’t want to be shy, they just are. It is sort of a disability. Shy people have trouble with articulating their thoughts, at least in my case. I never knew what to say. My friends always had something to say, at any given moment. I can remember being in a debate in 7th grade science class. I didn’t say a word. It was so awful for me. And by the way, I was an honor graduate. I did great on class tests without studying much. Expressing myself was not something I could do. I had all the right words in my head, but they just couldn’t come out. Don’t force your shy child to do anything he/she doesn’t want to do, it’s torture. Encourage him/her, but let him/her decide.

I’m a full blown adult now and I’ve overcome the shyness. But I will always be a quiet natured person. It took me a long time to realize that I’m just happy this way, it’s me. I realize now that I don’t have to be like everyone else, I don’t have to do what everyone else does. I’m happy doing my own thing. I’m truly at peace with who I am. I don’t have a bunch of friends, I just have “surface” friends, and I’m okay with that. I’m probably boring to some people. I don’t feel comfortable with talking about people and all the gossiping, and that seems to be what makes people likeable. We all are who we are. God made us all different. I feel blessed to be at peace with myself, I don’t feel jealousy or envy towards others. (And by the way, I am married with 2 children.)

 

[KrazyKaiju]

JMJ

I am a mother of a shy teen. She is very outgoing within our family at home with her brothers and sisters, but really dislikes being with other teens. She does not enjoy the immaturity of the "teen scene’, acting goofy, and senseless conversations about make-up, boys, and rock music. When at a social event, she often prefers to be all alone, but it hurts me to see her appearing so unhappy. She feels very nervous if someone tries to talk to her or asks questions, so she struggles finding the words to say, and then she feels that they think she is stupid. She is an excellent student, an artist, a writer, and has many varied interests. If she would only be able to conquer this fear, I know that she would be able to befriend many people and be a very precious friend, as she is a very unique person. I was wondering if anyone could recommend a book that would help her, preferably by a Catholic/Christian author. Any websites, any helpful info would be appreciated. Thank you. God bless!

An apologetic. I always recommend a book like this, to a nauseating degree. But I think these kinds of books really helped me break out of my shell. She’s an intellectual - even though she probably gets plenty of intellectual satisfaction already, perhaps this will be a nice breath of fresh air.

Try “A Refutation of Moral Relativism” by Peter Kreeft. That’s where I started. Hope that helps.

 

[margya]

You might want to read this book: The Temperament God Gave You by Art and Laraine Bennett. It is very insightful in dealing with spouses and children.

 

[Lutheranteach]

Your child is very special! I wished I would have been that mature at her age and even that well educated… A fried of mine was like that when we were growing up…I was the wild one, she was the shy one and we had a goofy one, and a grumpy one and a crazy one and a quiet one, lol, we were a very unique bunch…What each one lacked we found it in each other… several of us are still best friends even after 14 years later…

The reason she starts to panic is not just because of her shyness it’s the way she’s approached as well and if she feels there is nothing in common with those approaching her, if you could perhaps help her by taking her to a museum where she could meet other young and interesting kids like her she might find her place better and you will see this butterfly blossom and her shyness melt away…

I know that when our shy friend was around other intellects like her, wow was she always glowing! She glowed with us of course but it was different when they were united talking all their special talk! LOL You’d think she would stay with them, nope after she was done having her time she would come right back to us, where she told us she felt she belonged…

Eventually your child will find her friends true friends and you will wish she was shy again! lol Trust me you won’t get her to be quiet! LOL

Just be patient with her, taker her to places that interest her and help her find other teens like her…It will help her learn her way and where she feels she belongs…

Good luck and GOD BLESS!

It’s sound snobbish, but I’ve seen this the case with more than a few teens. They’re the smartest ones in the room and they know it. If they talk it sounds like they’re talking down to people so they clam up. Being smart ain’t cool in a lot of circles. Or, the kids around them are simply uninteresting to them. Get them around actual peers and they blossom. Now, even if that is the case, she needs to practice speaking, working, being around others as she’ll need to deal with all kinds of people in her life.

 

[KrazyKaiju]

It’s sound snobbish, but I’ve seen this the case with more than a few teens. They’re the smartest ones in the room and they know it. If they talk it sounds like they’re talking down to people so they clam up. Being smart ain’t cool in a lot of circles. Or, the kids around them are simply uninteresting to them. Get them around actual peers and they blossom. Now, even if that is the case, she needs to practice speaking, working, being around others as she’ll need to deal with all kinds of people in her life.

I second that. She needs to be able to have everyday dealings with people from all walks of life. On the other hand, she needs to communicate with peers so she knows she’s not crazy (and to keep her on top of her game). Either intellectual peers (as smart) or spiritual peers (as upstanding) will be great. And if you can get the best of both worlds, that’s even better!

Kudos to Lutheranteach for his advice.

 

[that_name]

Google the Catholic Writer’s Guild. It sounds as if she could find some good mentoring there.

 

[crenfro]

Hello.

I’d suggest looking into this site of Dr. Ray Guarendi drray.com/about.htm.

I was a painfully shy teen and not much helped me, all the well-meaning suggestions and therapists and whatnot… but what always allieved the loneliness was love.

So I’d say, and it’s just my opinion, accept and enjoy your child for who she or he is, and lovingly encourage them.

 

[Bataar]

I don’t know anything more than what you’ve posted in this thread, but have you looked into something like Asperger’s Syndrome? I have this disorder and one of the “symptoms” is an impaired social ability. Growing up and even today, people think I’m shy, but I’m not. I just don’t talk unless I have something specific to say or ask. It definitely makes it hard to make and keep friends, especially dating, something I’ve never been able to succeed at, but there’s not much I can do about it. No one in my family had ever even heard about this condition until I was diagnosed in 2008 at the age of 29 and it was a real eye opener.

The only reason I bring it up is that I’ve seen other posts that recommend forcing the child to do social activities. Without proper therapy or instruction to go along with it, that kind of thing could do much more harm than good. My parents tried to get me to do more social things, but never forced it (thankfully) because the stress and pressure along with the depression that would go along with it probably would have caused me to be suicidal.

 

[Salonika]

agp2176:

This is a GREAT idea. See if there is a team with the National Forensic League at there school. I was and still am very shy, but I excelled at public speaking and debating.

This is certainly worth trying.

I am certainly an introvert and find small talk etc very difficult.

But get me going on something I enjoy and am knowledgeable about this is often not apparent. In fact I have to careful not to overdo it.