Need help in Discerning

[D_M23]

Hi so I’m discerning Religious life and I have a friend who is discerning Priesthood. We are very close and I love him as friend. However, he is a handsome man (I don’t tend to care about that that much but you see where I’m going with this) and his love for God and his personality makes me love him even more with an admirable love. But yet sometimes I imagine if God was not calling both of us to religious life…he would have been the one I would have wanted to marry. I do not wish to love him like this but sometimes I do. If I have ever been in love with anyone besides Jesus it would be him. I’ve had crushes etc but those are different they’re not the same at all. I want to only love him as a friend and I think I do but maybe because I love Him so much I’m tempted to think differently and am often confused. How do I know if this is a test or if this is a different calling for me?

 

[Cloisters]

Welcome to CAF, D_M23!

I see this was posted 10 hours ago, and there’s been nothing but crickets.

Both of you should be working with spiritual direction. There’s nothing wrong with spiritual friendships. Look at St Francis of Assisi and “Brother” Jacopa. Or St Boniface and Lioba.

If the two of you are meant to be together as spouses, it seems you would have already experienced the “soul tug” as my own experience has been. We celebrate 30 years in October.

I would stay-the-path that you’re on right now. Try religious life, and see what the nuns tell you. I honestly don’t know enough about your discernment journey, so I can’t advise you. However, if you step onto Convent property, and feel as if you’ve entered an extension of your own home, you’ve likely found your True Home.

Blessings,
Mrs Cloisters, O.P.
Lay Dominican
http://cloisters.tripod.com/charity/
http://cloisters.tripod.com/

 

[AdamP88]

It comes down to whether you desire more to serve God in marriage than in religious life. Just because he’s discerning doesn’t mean he doesn’t actually desire marriage more.

I was in religious life for a year before I discovered that what I really wanted was marriage and family life.
Often this time gives you a better appreciation for both vocations.

My advice would be to, in a sensitive manner, probe that territory if you feel strongly about it.

When you say you are both discerning, what form is that taking? Are you just speaking to a vocations director, or are you in the novitiate, or what?
If you are already in religious life, then I would say stick at it for a while, you will probably have to deal with feeling drawn to someone like this more than once in your life. Just because you’re a vowed religious doesn’t mean you are impervious to falling in love.

Sometimes God works in mysterious ways: I left the Novitiate, and I was somewhat conflicted about it at the time, feeling that I’d failed in my vocation or something. But very soon afterwards I met the woman who is now my wife. It was very clear to me from the start, that we were meant to be together.

There’s nothing wrong with spiritual friendships. Look at St Francis of Assisi and “Brother” Jacopa. Or St Boniface and Lioba.

This is true. The real question is whether you are happy with that rather than an intimate relationship with another human being. In my discernment, that was the question I had to keep coming back to.

If the two of you are meant to be together as spouses, it seems you would have already experienced the “soul tug” as my own experience has been. We celebrate 30 years in October.

What do you mean by this?

 

[D_M23]

Yes you hit the nail on the head. All we ever want is a spiritual friendship. We always tell each other that we’ll be like St Clare and St Francis or St JPII and St Mother Theresa etc and that’s all I want but because of how little we see each other in real life because we live far apart I am often tempted to think about how I wish to be in his arms and yet when I am with him in real life…that doesn’t come to mind at alll, and all I wish to do is talk to him about Jesus. Neither of us have actually started spiritual formation in the Convent or (I cant remember what his own is called atm) yet though, but he’s planning on entering the Novitiate this summer God willing how everything goes. I am still too young to enter unfortunately. But what do you mean by a ‘Soul tug’?

 

[AdamP88]

Do you want to pursue your feelings for him or are you happy to remain friends and pursue a religious vocation?

 

[D_M23]

The latter for sure but sometimes I wish I could tell him the former. Maybe I shouldn’t and now I feel a little clearer as to what I should really pursue…thank youray:t4:

 

[VonDerTann]

May I offer a slightly different opinion?

Tell him how you feel. Perhaps he feels as you do. If not…you’ll feel better for knowing, no matter how it works out. As to why you should, I always liked this quotation: “Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are ‘it might have been.’” Don’t wonder your whole life what would have happened had you told him.

 

[D_M23]

Thank you

 

[Cloisters]

If the reader doesn’t understand the “soul tug”, I can’t describe it. One feels a distinct tug of the soul when the right one is found. As well as the “you’re just too good to be true” rush of gentle euphoria.

I would not tell the young man about those feelings. Women are leaders, believe it or not, and what she wants – or even hints at – are considered hints that he will evaluate for further action. That being said, I would continue with the spiritual friendship, and stop visualizing any physical contact with him because that’s actually disrespectful to him. If the nuns find out you were doing that, they would tell you up front that you don’t have a Vocation.

Instead of doing that, spend time in Adoration. He’s the One you need to concentrate on. Visualize being wrapped in HIS arms!

I know in the back of our minds we want to marry a saint. Good Catholic men are hard to find. Let him go his way, and see what his discernment journey leads to. At least do the discernment in case you do have a married Vocation which leads to kids. You’ll be able to more accurately present the priesthood and Religious Life.

 

[D_M23]

Thanks very much this really helps❤

 

[VonDerTann]

Cloisters, I’m sorry but I don’t really agree with some of what you’ve written. Perhaps you will reconsider your advice.

OP clearly has feelings for this man; she writes she “do[es] not wish to love him [in a romantic way] but sometimes [she] do[es].” Then, you basically tell her, and I know I’m paraphrasing, “explore a vocation but don’t tell the nuns how you feel about the man or they won’t let you in.”

Charitably, I disagree with that advice. She shouldn’t pursue a vocation if her doing so relies on her hiding, from the religious authorities, her strong feelings for this man. Her feelings are what they are, and they exist, and we are never better off for burying them and hiding them unless they are so bad that they are morally wrong per se, i.e., allowing ourselves to fall in love with a married person, etc. I see no reason to think that’s occurring.

OP is clearly conflicted and just as clearly is trying to work things out. To really do that, I think she ought to explore her feelings with his man, not bury them, and I think she really ought to say them to him as well (my hunch as a man is that he feels the same way about her as she does about him; he certainly doesn’t seem to be discouraging her). That way all parties can make fully-informed decisions with their eyes opened.

Anyway, just my $0.02.

 

[Cloisters]

I stand by what I wrote. They’re at a distance right now. She’s the younger of the two. He’s about to enter. I see no reason for her to upset the apple cart at this juncture. Should he be sent home, or discern that he’s in the wrong place – THEN she should mention her own feelings. I still encourage her to visit convents while he’s “gone” because, believe it or not, the religious will be able to “play the prophet”.

This happened in my own life. I had been ready to enter, had educational debt and familial circumstances get in the way, then, even after I married, one of the nuns where I nearly entered said to “marry the blacksmith.” Hubby didn’t become a blacksmith until we moved here in 1996. It was actually closer to the year 2000 when he got involved.

So, please, don’t tell me nuns can’t prophesy! Give the religious a chance to do their jobs! If they’re meant to be together, they will get there.

 

[AdamP88]

If the nuns find out you were doing that, they would tell you up front that you don’t have a Vocation.

I don’t think that’s true at all. Your vocation isn’t dependent on stuff like that. You ultimately make the choice to pursue either marriage or religious life. I doubt very much the nuns would see it as anything other than natural. Even religious can fall in love.

 

[AdamP88]

The latter for sure but sometimes I wish I could tell him the former. Maybe I shouldn’t and now I feel a little clearer as to what I should really pursue…

Well I would suggest that you bring these feelings to the Lord in prayer. If you ultimately are happy and at peace with pursuing religious life, then that’s great. But if you still feel this tug and still feel like you want a deeper and more intimate relationship with this man, and maybe you feel like you don’t want to let that go, maybe you’re not being called to religious life.

When I was in the Dominican novitiate, I often felt calm, and happy, and at peace. However one thing that never went away was my desire for the love of another human person. The desire to meet a woman who would love me exclusively and for me to love. That desire ultimately never went away. So I left. Sometimes I felt like I had to make a choice between marriage and Christ, but that’s not the case.
I was discussing all this with my spiritual director in novitiate and he said to me “there’s nothing wrong with deciding this isn’t for you. The Church needs good husbands and fathers. That’s ultimately how we’ll get more priests and religious.”

I’m guessing you’re a bit torn here because you posted this topic.