Need help understanding and advice

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HFNB06

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Hello All,

I’m new here, and unfortunately, I’m the type of person who keeps a lot inside, and only stretches out to other people for advice when I truly have a problem.

To give a bit of background on myself, I was a foreign military diplomat working for the Department of Defense and had an incredible salary, owned a Merceds Benz, had apartments in different countries, traveled really the world over twice, and never really had a moment long enough to think where I was or what I was doing, and that somehow that differed for Gods plan for me. I had started a ministry years ago which concentrated on trying to save newborn and unborn babies from being aborted or abandoned after they were born through things like mentoring, adoption agencies and Safe Haven laws. As hard as I tried, ultimately the work of the ministry and so many things against me, made me stop doing it and ultimately drove me to go to work for the DoD and leave the country, in an attempt to sort of escape my own failures and a form also of running away from things.

I did this for a few years, yet I always had the strongest urge and feeling, I am not made to do this, I’m to do Gods work and devote my life to Ministry and the Church somehow. This was nagging on the inner being of my soul, and I would pray, God, I know you are calling me to greatness and do other things, but I don’t know what those other things are? At the same time, I do not feel like I can do them on my own, because when I had to in the past, it was were I failed and found myself giving up.

I was in Japan at the time, and I had gotten badly injured there, which caused me to me rushed back to the United States for medical attention. While recovering, by sheer fate, I met the most perfect Ministry parter I could have ever hoped for, and she too had the same desires, drive and feelings to do Ministry work and do what we could for the church. I believed so much, that this Ministry work was what God was calling me to do so much in, I gave up essentially everything I know and had lived with to embrace it. I gave up my job, my career, left my family and my home, and moved to another location to work with this person on what I still believe, is going to be a revolutionary Ministry and movement someday in the Catholic Church.

For some reason, I thought the hardest, darkest and most despair filled times in my life were over. And In actuality, I was completely wrong.

Everything went so perfect in the beginning, and then non stop opposition from almost everything began to happen. The local Bishop and Family Life’s office did not want to assit and help us as they had initially spoke of, things just kept going wrong, yet, the more people I talked to, the more they and I became so convinced, what we were doing was so right and soo needed!

My engine and drive inside was full steam ahead, and essentially I think the devil did what he could to try and de-rail me right then and there. Something happened in mid February, that sort of changed the way I saw and worked with my ministry partner. I began to have feelings for her, and at first, did absolutely everything I could to fight these off. I had felt, the devil was trying more tricks to simply distract me and get me off from my ultimate goal, which was working on the ministry.

Continued Below…
 
Well, the devil non-stop attacked me then with the most horrible thoughts, dreams and feelings inside that I have ever felt! He made me feel and doubt every single action and circumstance I had done, and regret everything. A non-stop bombardment of thoughts of “I should of not thrown away my career”, “What I’m doing is in-vein”, “I’m ultimately going to fail again” and the most cruel and disorted and clouded views on things. And a constant push and temptation also had been present to go embrace someone I had cared for in the past, and knew she still had cared for me, but I knew it would only end in more heartache and cause trouble. It’s the type of person that you know is not for you, and as much and as easy as it would be for me to go to her, I knew inside, that is not what God wanted. At the same time, I had these constant feelings for my ministry partner, and I wanted none of them, not now, not at this time. It became a burden I could not handle and knew no way out of.

I know every single one of these things was an attack and something I truly did not believe or feel, but became so bombarded with it, I nearly broke down. I had gone on a vacation then to visit my family I have in anther country, and the attacks then continued. It came to a head about 4 days, as I was in church adoring the Eucharist, and these thoughts would not stop. And I essentially broke their, and said, “God, I can not take this any longer, and began to cry” And an incredible calm came over me, and I saw everything in my life I thought was going wrong and feeling bad and dispared on, in a totally different light. I felt warm at peace, and had no questions, issues or concerns on anything. One of the few times I had such a peace come over me. I felt and saw things, which I believe were premonitions and probably what God had in store for me in the future, to show how distorted and confused I truly had become from the devils attacks. Never did I feel more at peace with all of this, then at this time.

A lot of feelings and things took place, all I had incredible peace and happiness over, but at the end, something in the back of my mind doubted that entire experience. I thought, what if the devil is doing this to me, to further confuse me? But I felt such at peace and good, could the devil confuse me this much?

There was nobody in the church with me at the time, and I heard a voice as crystal clear of a Youngman say to me “Why do you still not believe me? Where is your faith?”

And with that, I simply broke down and cried. I felt inside, all things and attacks that were placed on me, were simply because I lacked the faith and trust in God, that everything will be alright in the end. I had truly lost myself and the devil took this as a door right in to attack me.

I have been attack free, since then, and at the most peace and clearest I’ve been in I cant remember how long.

I had told my Ministry partner about this, which I have been trying to be completely honest with her the entire time on everything. Something possibly, I should not have been doing, because more often then not, I seem to hurt her, and I feel so badly for that.

I no longer had these confusions of past people I cared for, I feel totally charged and ready to push onward with the Ministry on all levels.
I feel a calling inside also, to not let myself get distracted by anything or anyone else either, and when I am in the deepest prayer and adoration time, at my most spiritual high, I truly see the both of us doing such wonderful things for the church, and to hold onto that, be there for her thro thick and think in the future and I truly feel called to be there for her on all levels.

Further Continued Below…
 
There’s a time I think all of us reflect inside, who we are meant to or called to be with. As much as my selfish part of me would say no to this, because I have no spark for her yet, and I find myself attracted to other women more still, something I feel so badly on. when I examine myself and pray, I feel and know God is leading me to her. It’s the most purest and warm feeling I’ve ever had. I really feel god is calling me and drawing me to this person, my ministry partner, in addition I have a strong feeling, her difficult time to her spiritual life is ahead now also.
Its such a pure and wonderful feelings, I’m just to stand by this person no matter how hard things get.

I unfortunately, told my ministry partner what had happened to me, and feel it caused issues now for her. I know it caused issues. She hates the thought that I have feelings for her, further which when i pray and go to adoration and try to find more clarity, they become stronger, which I totally understand on her part actually. I refuse to bring up or wish to talk about this issue with her anymore, ad I do not want to cause her any pain, feelings or stress on her. She has enough to go through right now on her own.

At the same time, I feel inside, it almost has to be this way, and feel so called to still, remain by her side, be the best possible friend I can be to her, and not allow myself to get distracted by other people, because I have had frequently, past girlfriends and people I’ve cared for call me a lot the past few weeks, to almost distract me and temp me. I have the most purest and deep down inside great feeling, I just need to be there fort his person, and trust in God, not to try and understand or figure out why he is calling me to do this?

I guess any other person would have just left it there, but I feel God calling me to simply not give up, and embrace and be there for my ministry partner. I feel so called to do this so strongly, and not to give up, no matter what happens.

Everything else I’ve felt in Adoration, have come true, or make perfect sense. All except this one to me.

My questions are:

Can the devil distort or warp something you feel in the deepest depths of your heart and have such a warm and wonderful feeling on?

Obviously my ministry partner does not feel this way, and I would be so alright to move onwards, if it wasn’t for this calling to not let myself be distracted and be there for her every step of the way. People I talk to aswell, also feel I should be doing exactly this. I feel so strong and at peace with it, but I know its something that causes my ministry partner great issues and pain. And because of that, I feel torn.

I’m going to do everything I can to keep these feelings inside from now on, as I do not wish to burden her with any further pain or stress. But I am at a lack for understanding, as why things have to happen the way they do?

I’ve gone to Adoration now a few more times, and again, at my deepest core feeling, one that is wonderful and I feel is what God wants me to do. Is to not give up on this person, and be there for her every step of the way.

Am I doing the right thing?
I feel truly torn on what to do. Follow my heart and inner deep core feeling, or follow what my partner has said?

I going to place this situation entirely in gods hands and not return to it at all, I just cant help but feel, why things happen the way they do? Do I need to trust God more, and just have stronger faith and try and weather the storm more? I dunno?..

Any advice would greatly be appreciated, I thank you all so much!
 
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dhgray:
what happened to your family?
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Oh no, I didn’t leave my family as in a wife and kids per say. I had moved away from where I grew up and lived pretty much so. Moved to a new area where I didn’t know anyone and had no realitves. I grew up in New York city and leaving that, was a big step for me. I left friends and family (parents, brother) there, as obviously, I could not take them with me.
 
It is generally not a good idea to keep things inside. That being said, you need to think about who the right person is to share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with. You don’t seem to be feeling calm and peaceful about this. In fact you seem kind of agitated and unsettled. I don’t think your ministry partner is the right person to discuss this with. I think if I was her, I might actually be kind of disturbed by what you are saying. I think you need to find a good priest to discuss this with. I would give your ministry partner plenty of space and breathing room.
 
Seems we have heard this story before… my advice remains the same. Single men and women should not pair up alone in a ministry. Put the work on hold until you have a group (or at least a 3rd person) to work with.

Every ministry should be under the guidance of a good Spiritual Advisor.
 
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dulcissima:
It is generally not a good idea to keep things inside. That being said, you need to think about who the right person is to share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with. You don’t seem to be feeling calm and peaceful about this. In fact you seem kind of agitated and unsettled. I don’t think your ministry partner is the right person to discuss this with. I think if I was her, I might actually be kind of disturbed by what you are saying. I think you need to find a good priest to discuss this with. I would give your ministry partner plenty of space and breathing room.
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Tis exactly what I plan on doing from now on. I need to find a good Spiritual Director for me. I’m going to give my parter a ton of space also, and try to not even bring up this subject. It only hurts her.

I agree, I shouldnt have told her either, my efforts to be completely honest, backfired I guess also. I admit aswell, if I were her, I would be distrubed or weirded out myself. Tis why this situation is so hard for me.

I’ve never been a person to seek or ask advice, and I find myself more and more, doing just that.

I’m unsettled on all of this, because i feel her pain and do not want to see her hurt. Her hurt and confusion, is what causes my unsettledness. Its the reaction I least expected, yet inside knew that was gonna happen anyhow.

If I looked at this situation selfishly, I would do my own thing, and move onward. Yet so strongly, I feeled called to do just the opposite, and weather the storm. I would have dismissed this as something wrong, expect, when I pray and am calm, this is how I feel and know I need to be right now. when i dont pray, and allow myself to become lost, embrace my selfish needs, everything pulls me away from her and argues against it. Its so hard to explain, and I probably almost sound crazy in trying to do so.

Selfishly, I would like to move on. I have no quams about it. when praying, I feel the opposite, I need to be their for this person, I have such a feeling to simply do this, and its warm, feels pure and the absolute right thing to do.

Yes, embracing that calling, causes her pain.

Does god want me to be there for her, and care for her, but not allow her to know it?

Its so confusing?!
 
Go back and re-read what you just wrote.

This isn’t about the ministry for you anymore. It’s about her, being there for her, even though she doesn’t want you to be there for her. She had wanted you to be there for the ministry.

It really sounds like you need to back off. If you are hearing voices, then this is definitely not something to handle on your own. You need to talk to a priest ASAP. You probably should also have a mental health screening. I am not saying that is what it is, but wouldn’t it be reassuring to have that ruled out? Science and faith can go hand in hand:

Science can purify religion from error and superstition. Religion can purify science from idolatry and false absolutes. - John Paul II

I think hearing a voice like you did is not an ordinary every day occurence, and that is why you are going to need to check it out further.

It would not be healthy for you, her, or your ministry for you to obsess about her and feel that you have to be there for her against her wishes. I hope this makes sense.
 
Where in the world are you? I ask because I may know someone in your area.
 
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dhgray:
most of my NY Friends are in the city. What type of ministry work do you two do?
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I moved up from the City.

Its a online ministry that hopes to connect all local catholics together with a large site online, from everything from calendar events, mass times, which churches have what, like music ministries and novenas, and what time these are being held. We’ve found out that non of the churches almost anywhere, know what the other does. So a person from one parish, who may be seeking to join a music ministry, but his church does not offer it, theres no way for him to know if any other local churches may offer this. Our site an the ministry hope to address these issues, and basically commuincate everyone together.

Sounds simple, but going from an idea to reality is much harder then either of us thought.
 
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buffalo:
How far away from Buffalo? Looking for a spiritual adviser in Buffalo?
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I’m about 20 minutes south of Buffalo, in E. Aurora. Yes, I am looking for a Spiritual Adviser, it has been hard to find one.
 
So I check out my thread and find out that HFNB06 had posted his own thread here! What a shock. Neither of us had a clue. Any of you reading can check this out…
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=1430654
HFN06 I still stand by what I said about even perfectly seemingly good private revelations from Jesus, and Marian apparitions are believed for years until one day condemned by the Church.
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HFNB06:
And a constant push and temptation also had been present to go embrace someone I had cared for in the past, and knew she still had cared for me, but I knew it would only end in more heartache and cause trouble. It’s the type of person that you know is not for you, and as much and as easy as it would be for me to go to her, I knew inside, that is not what God wanted.
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You knew this ‘other girl’ wasn’t meant for you. You knew inside it wasn’t what God wanted. I don’t understand how you and I are any different.

Well to the rest of you I just wanted to link our two threads up. If NFNB06 wishes, we will stop posting here and just get spiritual direction.
Peace.
 
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angel83:
Well to the rest of you I just wanted to link our two threads up. If NFNB06 wishes, we will stop posting here and just get spiritual direction.
Peace.
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Oh no. Please continue, this is better than TV. 😉 Why is this kind of stuff so riveting?

But seriously, hope you work it out Angel.
 
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