Need help with family issue

[Veronica97]

I think I would attend the shower and just be kind. Your brother already knows your feelings on the matter. But the previous poster is right about not shutting doors. I was a non-baptized “Christian” when I married my husband, a divorced Catholic, in a Protestant Church. Ten years later my husband had his first marriage annulled, we convalidated our marriage, and I was baptized and confirmed. Now I attend Daily Mass! Please consider that your brother’s fiancee does not understand the teachings of the Catholic Church and feels she is not doing anything wrong, and in all honesty your brother may not understand it either. He may know what the church teaches but he doesn’t “get it”. I don’t think my Catholic husband really “got it” either at the time we were married. But one day that light may turn on and he will have that “aha” moment. Just pray for them both and let the way you live your life be a shining example for them–and be welcoming to your sister-in-law and wish her well.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think I would attend the shower and just be kind. Your brother already knows your feelings on the matter. But the previous poster is right about not shutting doors. I was a non-baptized “Christian” when I married my husband, a divorced Catholic, in a Protestant Church. Ten years later my husband had his first marriage annulled, we convalidated our marriage, and I was baptized and confirmed. Now I attend Daily Mass! Please consider that your brother’s fiancee does not understand the teachings of the Catholic Church and feels she is not doing anything wrong, and in all honesty your brother may not understand it either. He may know what the church teaches but he doesn’t “get it”. I don’t think my Catholic husband really “got it” either at the time we were married. ** But one day that light may turn on and he will have that “aha” moment. Just pray for them both and let the way you live your life be a shining example for them–and be welcoming to your sister-in-law and wish her well**.

:yup::clapping:

 

[seekingadvice10]

If it were two Baptists getting married, then sure, but it’s your brother who IS Catholic and your brother’s fiance who is Baptist. The wedding is clearly invalid and to be honest it would be a sin to attend. Do you care more about what your family thinks of you or do you care more about getting them to heaven and getting yourself to heaven? We must must must stand up for our church, because if we don’t, the church might not stand one day. Attending would lead to scandal. You must tell your parents that this is gravely wrong to attend such a ceremony and I highly recommend you and your family speak with a priest ASAP. Ask your family if they want to go to heaven and if they answer yes then explain why you must not attend and celebrate such an invalid marriage.

You can still love your brother and sister in law, but don’t take part in any celebrations of this invalid marriage. You can be as kind and loving as possible and if they don’t understand… well that is just sad! Like I said if this was a Vivahaam (sp?) aka Hindu wedding, that would be fine to attend, but Catholicism is your religion and you must stand up for what you believe in and care more about getting people to heaven then care about what they think of you. Because another Catholic is participating in an invalid wedding ceremony, you simply cannot go and support him and make him to believe it is “ok”

God Bless. I will pray for you and your family!

 

[Pekita]

I think I would attend the shower and just be kind. Your brother already knows your feelings on the matter. But the previous poster is right about not shutting doors. I was a non-baptized “Christian” when I married my husband, a divorced Catholic, in a Protestant Church. Ten years later my husband had his first marriage annulled, we convalidated our marriage, and I was baptized and confirmed. Now I attend Daily Mass! Please consider that your brother’s fiancee does not understand the teachings of the Catholic Church and feels she is not doing anything wrong, and in all honesty your brother may not understand it either. He may know what the church teaches but he doesn’t “get it”. I don’t think my Catholic husband really “got it” either at the time we were married. But one day that light may turn on and he will have that “aha” moment. Just pray for them both and let the way you live your life be a shining example for them–and be welcoming to your sister-in-law and wish her well.

Exactly!

 

[jawgee]

The wedding is clearly invalid and to be honest it would be a sin to attend.

I don’t think it would be a sin, and I think many priests would disagree with your analysis.

 

[jawgee]

If ever there was a time to extend grace, it’s now…

I think your brother, a non-practicing Catholic, and his fiancee, a non-practicing Baptist may see your Christ-like example and maybe look at Catholicism as the path they want to pursue…

I do not think God would ask us to estrange ourselves from our loved ones to show our non-support of their religious choice…( or lack of choice, as it seems)…I am glad you are going to the wedding to show your love for your brother…I think by not going to the shower, too ,( it’s all part of the wedding festivities) you would hurt your brother and SIL, and forfeit your relationship as well as a chance to be Christ-like …

JMO, so please ignore if I am not seeing the “whole picture”…I do understand the principles you are standing for…but to sacrifice your relationship…not sure I would do that…I lost my only sister, my best friend last year to cancer…and your post really touched a nerve…

I will pray for you and your family as you navigate this rough decision…

:clapping:

I totally agree. Love them the way Jesus would love them, and be a gentle witness to the love and peace in the Catholic faith.

 

[KCT]

I don’t think it would be a sin, and I think many priests would disagree with your analysis.

I was in a situation where one priest said to attend and another suggested not attending.

There are priests on both sides of the issue.

 

[Allegra]

I was in a situation where one priest said to attend and another suggested not attending.

There are priests on both sides of the issue.

I think there are nuances in every situation that make a difference. For example, I know of people who were Baptized Catholic and that is it. Their parents never attended Mass. They never went to any sort of religious formation. They never claimed they were Catholic. They may be active members of another religion. To all outside observers, they are non-Catholic. I don’t see that it creates any scandal to attend their wedding. Meanwhile, there are people who march right into Mass every Sunday and take communion, even though they are married outside of the Church and often to someone who is assumed to be married to someone else in the eyes of the Church! Clearly, that is a different matter. I expect that is why different people hear different answers on this issue.

 

[KCT]

I think there are nuances in every situation that make a difference. For example, I know of people who were Baptized Catholic and that is it. Their parents never attended Mass. They never went to any sort of religious formation. They never claimed they were Catholic. They may be active members of another religion. To all outside observers, they are non-Catholic. I don’t see that it creates any scandal to attend their wedding. Meanwhile, there are people who march right into Mass every Sunday and take communion, even though they are married outside of the Church and often to someone who is assumed to be married to someone else in the eyes of the Church! Clearly, that is a different matter. I expect that is why different people hear different answers on this issue.

In my situation, two priests gave me different direction. Same situation, two different recommendations.

 

[underacloud]

My opinion is very different from the others. I think you’re in a very tough position. I do agree with not supporting a non-Church wedding for non-practicing Catholic, but I think you have things backwards and that’s why it is creating so much emotion upheavel in your family. If it was me, I’d either attend ALL the wedding activities or I’d attend NONE. Its a very mixed message you’re sending by agreeing to attend the wedding, but none of the activities leading up to the wedding. If I was the bride, I’d be hurt and confused by you showing support for only one event, the actual wedding, but not the other wedding events, and I’d certainly have a hard time wrapping my brain around why its so important for us Catholics to get married in the Church when you’ve agreed to attend her non-Church wedding. You’re witnessing nothing by refusing to attend the bridal shower, its not sending any kind of example of why the Church teaches that this is going to be an invalid marriage. If you have agreed with your husband that you are attending the wedding to show support for your brother, then I too would not understand why you are not showing support through out the whole engagement, including the bridal shower. If you truly believe what the Church teaches about invalid wedding ceremonies to the point that you do not want to give witness to supporting such weddings by attending a bridal shower, then why are you giving witness to supporting the invalid marriage by actually attending the non-church wedding? Either you witness or you do not, not attending the bridal shower isn’t achieving anything because its not the actual problem with this being an invalid marriage. You’re already giving example that you’re going to support your brother and his invalid marriage by being at the wedding whether you realize it or not, not attending the bridal shower seems a bit spiteful because you’re using it as an example when its not going to matter by the end of the wedding ceremony.

This!

Not attending the shower simply seems spiteful and doesn’t really help express your viewpoint - in fact, I think it muddies it. You have chosen to attend the wedding, so if you want to witness to the faith and caution your borther, a nicely worded letter might be appropriate, saying something like how happy you are that he has found a lovely bride, but that you’d very much prefer if he got married in a manner consistent with the Catholic faith.

But he is an adult and responsible for his own choices. Having cautioned him, which you have done I gather, you should let it go. Having made your point, anything further will merely cause disharmony…which is why your brother and parents want you to drop this.

 

[Waiting]

:clapping:

I totally agree. Love them the way Jesus would love them, and be a gentle witness to the love and peace in the Catholic faith.

Would Jesus witness the wedding of a Catholic in an invalid marriage? How far can we stretch the meaning of love? Jesus is Love, but would He sanction an invalid marriage by His presence?

 

[Bklynguy]

Help! My Catholic, but non-practicing brother is getting married in an outdoor wedding to a non-practicing Baptist. I am the only one in my family that has a problem with it. While my husband and I agreed to go to the wedding to show our love for them, I said I would not attend the bridal shower as I don’t want to imply any more support than I already will be at the wedding by attending other wedding events. Well all hell has broken loose, and my parents are telling me I am going to push my family away if I don’t change my mind. Obviously I am going to stand up for the faith and will not be changing my mind and have tried to explain Church teaching about this over and over in several emails, but now my parents (also practicing Catholics) are going to be talking about it in person, and I could use some more words of wisdom as I feel like I have said all I can already. While my parents wish he was getting married in the Church they think it is important to support him, and hate doing anything to disrupt family harmony. What can I say to help them understand my position more?

You have already made it clear that the marriage won’t be valid in the eyes of the Church. Your brother is fully aware now the consequences of his actions and what he will need to do if he one day decides to return to the Church. But, as someone on this thread has already said, you cannot convince lapsed Catholics why they need to comply with Church teaching and Canon Law. You have also made it clear to the rest of the family that it goes against Canon Law and the consequences it entails.

I would say, at this point, you go to support him and his new wife. The only reason, at this point, I would say otherwise is if, by going now, you in a sense “reward” your parents behavior of using emotional extortion to dictate the rightful decisions of adults. This can cause more problems down the road. Since you know them better than anyone on these boards, you will need to be the judge as to whether they are the “controlling” type and will take this “win” and run with it.