Need help with Mom, PLEASE

[kaymart]

The 1st Anniversery of my sister’s death is next week. I’m seriously worried about my mother. She is 70 and in poor health, especially after my sister died. My sister was only a month shy of her 41st birthday when she passed away. My dad, 3 years older, copes quite well, but he seems to get (name removed by moderator)atient with Mom when she cries which is often. Anybody else who has gone through this has any ideas on how I can help her? When I told her in the Church bulletin, (which she asked me to do)I said her Mass is 8:00am on the Anniversery, Mom just cried then yelled at me, saying I always fought with her over boyfriends and clothes, (we were teenagers) also I was mean to her when she was born (I was 3 years old!!)How dare I be “happy” about the Mass. (I not “happy” but thankful it was on the day I requested) Is she honestly losing it? Is it grief? She will not go to a Brevement Group either. My brother-in-law did in his home Parish and when she found out he went for coffee with a widowed woman from the group she flipped out on him. Please any help would be welcomed.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

You need to contact a mental health professional and get you mom assessed ASAP!

It is expected that she will have terrible grief when she has had to bury a child, but this sounds excessive and unbalanced.

You need to get her some help as she is unwilling to get it for herself…
Malia

 

[Arlene]

Well, the first year is definately the hardest and the 1st anniversary is a dreaded milestone. Being older and in frail health can maybe decrease her coping skills. I still get a little nuts at the anniversary time, and its been 13 years. If she isn’t willing to go to a bereavement group, is she open to at least reading books or matierials from a suport organization?

Compasionate Friends has a website, they are for loss of a child at any age.

Centering Corporation publishes books, pamphlets, etc on loss.

Maybe she would accept a book from you as a gift on the anniversary date.

Can you help her do somthing as a memorial to your sister, plant a tree in the park, make a donation to a hospital, plant a garden at the house, something that she can do to honor her daughter.

Can you do something special on the day? Maybe release balloons at the cemetary. One year for National Infant Loss Remembrance Day we got live butterflys that we released.

In all likelihood she is both dreading this day and needing to mark it as significant. Just be patient with her. Take care of yourself too, this has been a difficult year for you, I’m sure, and the anniversary is always a tough thing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Arlene

 

[Giannawannabe]

kaymart,

First let me say how sorry I am for the death of your sister. It must be so painful for you.

Next, has your mother always been a little emotionally “unstable”? I know that when my dad passed away, my mother not only grieved, but her pre-existing emotional problems became much, much worse. It’s been almost 6 years now, and she has pretty much alienated most of her family and friends.

It sounds like your mother is becoming quite bitter and angry about the situation. I know it’s only been a year, but those feelings can eat away at her and others if she doesn’t find another way to deal with them. I see others have suggested counseling or support groups. However, if she already had some psychological problems before your sister’s death, she may not be very receptive to this type of help.

I would suggest helping yourself first. You need to be able to effectively deal with her outbursts of bitterness/anger. Perhaps you could get involved with a support group yourself. When your mom gets emotional, try to be calm and patient. Anything you say to her, might be fuel for her anger. Call and visit, but perhaps you could start limiting time spent with her a little, so that you can keep yourself strong and can deal with her a better.

I’ll keep you in my prayers. It is so heartbreaking to deal with your own pain, and then have the added burden of your mother’s anger/bitterness/despair.

 

[kaymart]

Giannawannabe, Thank you so much for your kind words. It has been hard. Mom’s been on meds for about a decade for depression (now its paxil) Unfortunately I can’t limit my visits, They live with me. Except for my little sister (only 27) who has two small children, lives 2 towns over, the other four live in other States, so I get the brunt of it. I am overwhelmed with her besides caring for my autistic teenager who is also severley delevlopmentally delayed. My husband and I sent her and Dad to Florida as a Chrstmas gift, to visit 3 of 4 sibs who live there and she fought with everyone of them. My SIL understandably said if they come again she’s (my SIL) going to a hotel to get away from her. Her negative attitude has had a rippling effect on the entire family. I have tried to get her help, to no avail. I wake up each morning praying that I won’t set her off. (That could be something as simple as starting a load of laundry or changing a TV channel) I will follow your suggestion and join a support group. I’m going to go nuts, just last night she made me feel guilty because I was happily relaying a cute story about my 21monthold grandaughter and she said How can you be so happy, “J” will never know what being a grandma is? It’s a if I should be guilty for being happy about good things in my life.

 

[Giannawannabe]

Oh my, kaymart, you’ve got your hands full. You definitely need some support. As it sounds like your mother has had problems for awhile, she probably won’t change. You’ll have to change how you react/respond to her. Since your parents live with you :bigyikes: , it’ll be hard to get some space. Maybe your sister could take them for 1 weekend per month, and/or 1 day per week for dinner. I’m not sure how honest you can be with your family, but if they don’t see the pressure you’re under with caring for your mom AND special needs son, you just have to tell them to help out. Even though your mom made things difficult for your family in Florida, they need to step up to the plate on a regular basis. Perhaps 1 month a year during the Winter months would be good.

I know this advice just sounds like you need to “ditch” your mom from time to time. I don’t mean it that way. In order to deal with someone like your mom, you need down time for yourself. You need to stay strong emotionally, spiritually, and physically in order to care for them. I will definitely keep you in my prayers—God bless you for your sacrifices—I would offer them up for your Mom, maybe that will help her the most.

 

[La_Chiara]

kaymart–Have you talked to your mother’s doctor? He may be able to adjust her medication if he knew the full extent of the problems in the family. At her age, she may be having other issues going on which are exacerbated by your sister’s death–senile dementia, or Alzeiheimers or even just stress-related problems. God bless you for doing what you can.

 

[kaymart]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. Her mother, my Grandma although never said, had all the signs of Alzheimer’s (she died in 1977) I was afraid of this. I am going to talk to her Doctor along with my Dad next week, she is out of control. She called him a “jerk” earlier this evening! She never spoke like that. My little sister can help a bit and take here to her home for an afternoon or dinner, but staying over no. She and her husband live in a small trailer, two little ones and only two bedrooms. But she treats her worse then me. Nothing the poor kid does is right. I did send her to Florida (hoping to brighten her mood) but all she did was the same to them down there. I just Pray that tomorrow will be better.

 

[Giannawannabe]

La Chiara:

kaymart–Have you talked to your mother’s doctor? He may be able to adjust her medication if he knew the full extent of the problems in the family. At her age, she may be having other issues going on which are exacerbated by your sister’s death–senile dementia, or Alzeiheimers or even just stress-related problems. God bless you for doing what you can.

Excellent advice La Chiara!!! I’ve often thought of calling my mother’s doctor, but am so afraid she’d find out. However, since you can go with your Dad, that’d be great. You really are doing a fabulous job and to be so compassionate towards your siblings (i.e. realizing that your mom treats little sis worse than you) is admirable. Prayers still going up…

 

[Kay_Cee]

Have you considered praying to your sister about this? Surely from up in heaven she’s better equipped to help your mother.

 

[alessandro]

As a surgeon, working often in critical-care environments, I am confronted with death-and-dying issues often. Perhaps I can offer you what I explain to my own patients or their families…

Depressed mood related to loss of a loved one is a normal part of the grief and bereavement process. However, when it persists in its most incapacitating severity for longer than three months or so, it ceases to be ‘normal’ bereavement. Your mother may be suffering from an adjustment disorder – or possibly a true major depressive episode, or even post-traumatic stress disorder (depending on the mode of your sister’s death).

The DSM-IV (the textbook by the American Psychiatric Association that lists criteria for diagnosis of various mental illnesses) defines **Adjustment Disorder **as a reaction to an identifiable psychosocial stressor (i.e., your sister’s death) with a degree of psychopathology that is less severe than other diagnosable mental disorders (such as major depressive disorder or generalized anxiety disorder) and yet are in excess of what would be expected, or result in significant impairment in social or occupational/academic functioning. Subtypes are used to characterize the predominant mood (e.g., with depressed mood, with anxiety, with disturbance of conduct, etc.).

This is not the type of thing to wait out and see what happens. I would encourage you to see your mother’s doctor to broach the subject of treatment for adjustment disorder or depression. It is important to note that medication alone and counseling alone are NOT very successful (on the order of 20% response rate or so). Truly, only the combination of medication and therapy (which may involve behavioral therapy, support groups, meeting with the family priest, etc.) will help.

For people who have a strong faith or religious background, I always recommend counseling from a priest over psychiatrist. And as a faithful Catholic myself, I firmly believe that going to Mass, receiving the eucharist, and praying can have salutorious effects, both on the body and on the spirit.

May God help your mother to feel better soon.