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tcay584

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Ok. I really need some advice here. I’ll try and keep this short. My older sister has been in jail for almost 5 years now for DUI manslaughter, DUI bodily injury, and another felony that I can’t recall. After 2, who keeps track? She has a history of serious mental instability going back to her early teens. She is now on medication and seems to be doing very well. She is due to be released in Nov. of this year. I have lived through so many years of her lying, stealing, drinking, drugging, etc. but have always and will always love her dearly. When she is taking her medication properly, she is one of the most caring, loving, compassionate, intelligent people I’ve ever known. Anyhow, as I said she is due to be released for 10 years of probation with very strict guidelines (AA every day, shrink once a week, revocation of driving license). If she makes one wrong move, she’s back in the pokey for the rest of her sentence (which will absolutely destroy my parents). My entire family is anticipating her release with a mixture of joy, because we’ll have her back, and terror, because we’ll have her back. We couldn’t stop her from going down this path before, much as we tried, and I’m so scared she’ll lose her grip and end up back in jail. My hubby keeps telling me that having been to prison, the last thing she’ll want to do is screw up again and go back. The thing is, she never wanted to go there in the first place….she just comes totally unglued when she’s not on her meds. She’s also very intelligent, so much so that she frequently thought she didn’t need her meds. Then everything goes to hell in a handbasket. Here’s the problem: How do we (family) treat her when she gets out? Initially, she’ll be living with me and DH since we’ve been keeping her birds while she’s been incarcerated. But how am I supposed to be able to let her go and live her life when she’s never been able to do that successfully for more than 5 years at a time before she goes psycho again? Not to mention the fact that when she lost it last time, someone else got killed. DH found a beautiful house for her, where she can walk or bike ride to work….lots of space for the parrots……close to grocery store, etc. But it’s 30 minutes away from me!!! How can I keep an eye on her from that distance??? Should I be trying to keep an eye on her in the first place?? DH says I need to be there for her, but not make her feel like a child whose every move is examined under a microscope. I understand his point, but given her past….how can I trust her not to destroy her future and that of my entire family? She says she’s become very “spiritual” in prison, but not Christian and certainly not Catholic (insofar as I can tell). She says Catholicism is too confining (oh, the irony). Anyway, I just don’t know what to do, and that release date keeps getting closer. Advice?
 
Wow, that’s a pretty loaded question you have there…

This is what i can give you for some thoughts…(I am a mom of a mentally ill young adult; and i know whereof you speak…)

It’s tough to make sure someone who is mentally ill takes their meds…but here is what i think:

When she comes, and she’s staying with you, THE cardinal rule is that she is to take her meds. Up front, tell her that, and for the beginning at least, you need to see her take her meds, and keep track of that. If she’s insistent that she doesn’t want to be treated that way, you should explain to her it’s a matter of “trust” and she needs to rebuild it. That’s it, plain and simple.

My son doesn’t live at home, but whenever he stayed, i made sure he took his meds in front of me, and he seemed ok with it (that was his late teens) and now, i’m asking him weekly at least if he’s taking his meds (he’ can’t lie to me and get away with it) and if i have an inkling he’s not taking them, he cannot come here. That’s the rule.

Secondly, your DH is right to some degree, let her live her life; she’s going to have to situate herself, find good people, but keep an eye on things without having to question her every move. But if she screws up, be prepared to deal with it. Sit down with some basic rules – because she is staying with you. E.g. common courtesy, call if not coming home for dinner, an itinerary if you ever have to retrace her steps. I do that with my 22 year old son and he’s not ill. So set basic rules that you would expect to be reasonable for anyone staying with you, adult or not.

Always, always be up front. Don’t beat around the bush, because it is confusing to them. At least that’s what i find is the best thing.

I wish you well, and will remember you in prayer; it’s tough when someone is mentally ill, it affects the whole family, we’re there. We go to first appearance at court Monday b/c of an assault charge. I will one day tell you about that. Keep us in your prayers this week, k?

Nice to meet your aquaintance, tcay.

Stay cool…g
 
Hi There,
I guess I responded to your posting because I’ve had to deal with difficult problems both as a professional mental health caseworker and as an individual. Firstly, I commend you for standing by your sister. Secondly, I urge you to examine your station in life. Do you have children who need your attention? Is your husband “on the same page” with you regarding the ways you want to provide support for your sister? My gut tells me you need to have a sit-down meeting with significant family members and determine how much of the burden each one is willing to shoulder. I would also make a point of calling or meeting as many of the professionals involved, and let them know that your sister has your support, and you would like to have open communications to whatever degree it is possible to put out any “brush fires” that may flare up. You’d be surprised how much harder professionals will work when they know there is a supportive family. Above all, pray and declare God’s blessings over your sister. You might want to consider buying her a copy of Joel Osteen’s “Your Best Life Now” in book or audio CD. Your sister needs to see her release from jail as an opportunity for resurrection and redemption. Lastly, pray for her victims, surely they have suffered greatly and need prayer. I hope this helps. I feel God lead me to respond to you. 🙂
 
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tcay584:
Advice? Sounds like DH is approaching it from a pretty balanced perspective. Follow his lead and his advice.
 
I am aware of Osteen’s shortcomings but his book is not anti-Catholic, in fact I’d describe it as more motivational than christian. However, some people need that as a starting place. Example: I have an adopted teenage daughter,. She was adopted by us at age 15. She was baptized Catholic as an infant, but concepts of sin, redemption and the sacraments are very foreign to her. She can’t even join the teen group because she didn’t recieve First Holy Communion. Where do we start in a situation like that? I feel it is better to “grease the skids” and give her spiritual baby-food like Osteen’s message rather than force feed her things she isn’t ready for or accepting of. Lots of people need something non-threatening to get them on the right road. I pray she will go for RCIA, but for now, knowing she is loved by God means ALOT!
 
I have a close friend, now, not then, who has been in prison. Let me tell you what she says now…

Her and her husband both were drug dealers. She was addicted to cocaine and alcohol. Before this husband she had had two abortions and didn’t abort her third pregnancy, so at this time she had a 1 year old. She told me that she did stop the drug and alcohol after she felt her daughter move. Anyway…after daughter was born, back on drugs, etc…they got caught trafficking drugs. Her husband already has a charge against him, so she took the total rap for this drug charge. Judge says…I don’t care if it’s your first offense, your going to prison…for a year she was in prison. After she was released, she went back to drinking, but didn’t pick back up on the drugs again. She gave her family pure Hell. After 2 DUI’s…back to prison the judge says, but with much help and somewhat desparation, she was able to go to a home for women and it was ran by a Christian facility. Now…she runs a home for women addicted and convicted of drug charges, etc…she’s the director of this facility and she is a devout Christian.

Know what she told me…no one could tell her anything, do anything for her, she had to make up her mind about her life herself! Be there for your sister, but you can’t “watch” her and make her decisions…all you can do is stand by her if she screws up again and offer prayers.
 
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