need help

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My dad recently died. I have been told by my mother that he will be buried without any witnesses or a priest. This has upset my family. My father was very religious. Are we making too much of this?
 
Has your mother said why she wishes to do this?

Do she mean “buried this way after the funeral” or that “there will be no funeral”?
 
The funeral mass will be three days later.
My mom is having him burried first.

We think it is my Mom’s wishes not my Dad’s. The only thing my dad had discussed with us was not wanting a viewing/wake, for the grandchildren’s sake.

Two weeks ago my mom had to have emergency heart surgery, my Dad has been battling Leukemia for the past 16, years. He was very fortunate with his disease, he was the healthiest sick person I knew. While my mom was recovering in the hospital he came down with pneumonia, he was 82 and unable to fight it.

My concern is that my mom’s mental state since surgery has not been the best, plus the fact that she is manic. We think that these are her wishes.

My dad is/was the father of 10 children, family and church was his priority.
 
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moeby:
The funeral mass will be three days later.
My mom is having him burried first.

We think it is my Mom’s wishes not my Dad’s. The only thing my dad had discussed with us was not wanting a viewing/wake, for the grandchildren’s sake.

Two weeks ago my mom had to have emergency heart surgery, my Dad has been battling Leukemia for the past 16, years. He was very fortunate with his disease, he was the healthiest sick person I knew. While my mom was recovering in the hospital he came down with pneumonia, he was 82 and unable to fight it.

My concern is that my mom’s mental state since surgery has not been the best, plus the fact that she is manic. We think that these are her wishes.

My dad is/was the father of 10 children, family and church was his priority.
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If he has kept the faith, then I don’t suppose he has anything to worry about resulting from this, as long as a Mass is being said I can’t imagine the physical presence of his remains in the same room actually makes a difference to God.

The details of the arrangements, IMO, as basically an issue for helping the living cope with their loss. Personally, being manic isn’t in itself a problem, but in my personal experience could indicate a frustrated message or life view that wants to be proclaimed but is stifled by human fear, thus causing passion to be imprisoned, as it were, and of course we know our passion cannot be contained but only reprogrammed to express itself more subtlely.

Of course, that probably doesn’t do you any practical good except to say that manic is an affective disorder, and is usually exacerbated by people trying to help the manic person understand something. The reason they’re that way is they don’t feel listened to – not that they don’t know enough.

All that said, I’m tempted to suggest that the arrangements, if they are under the legal custody of your mother, should be hers as long as they do not break any particular code of morality just preference. Talking to a manic isn’t difficult if you actually get beyond the idea that their thinking is warped and recognize it is officially an affective disorder. Then again, that’s a clinical way of paraphrasing the above, so I get redundant at times… :o

That said, my own father, a couple days before he died, issued me but one request: “when it comes time, take care of your mother.” I offer that in proxy for the wishes of your own father, who also sounds like a great man. United with Christ, I am beginning to see the wisdom of the Knights of Columbus, and feel emboldened to suggest that “our Father” would be pleased with paying honor to your mother. I daresay that a sacrifice of your own will or desire (or even expectation of what is to be done) might be every bit as pleasing to God as if you been able to persuade your mother to follow a different plan.

This is speaking from no authority except the groanings within my heart, given voice by my keyboard-punching fingers. Please do not consider the advice of me or any Internet entity (how do you know I’m not just a robot for example, or worse) without second guessing it. These are deep matters of the heart and I sense you are a very sensitive individual who is easily able to vocalize the complex with a simple, dispassionate form. It is nice to see somebody being able to grasp such conflicts conceptually and give them a voice of reason so they can be discussed intelligently.

You sound very strong to me, and probably don’t need my :twocents: at all, so I offer it FWIW.

Alan
 
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moeby:
My concern is that my mom’s mental state since surgery has not been the best, plus the fact that she is manic. We think that these are her wishes.
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Oh wait. I missed something that might be important the first time around.

What do you think are her wishes? Do you think she is asking for something contrary to her own wishes, or is it that you are unclear about her wishes because of her affective disorder and believe them to be against your father’s?

The most important thing that struck me is that you are correctly focused on the well being of your mom. I noticed you didn’t say specifically that your concern about your mother’s mental state is in itself a concern, rather than a cause to be concerned about her decisions, and I think that is important. Had you worded it another way, I would not have been able to recognize that in your heart your mother’s health and well being is (if I’m hearing you right) more important than the actual funeral arrangements.

I think I’m getting redundant. Since I can’t seem to write things that people don’t misconstrue, I’m afraid I have a bad habit that way. I’m sorry if I sound condescending, but honestly dude I can only guess at your pain based on my own experience – which was surely different than yours.

Alan
 
I am one reply behind…

Your note regarding your dad truly made me think, that like when he was living my dad always told us… if it makes your mom happy.

My dad was a wonderul man, and I am sure that our churches cemetary would not alow him to be burried without a priest or blessing, if it were not ok with the church.

thank you… hopefully your note will help me to explain this to my 9 brothers and sisters.
 
Have you and your siblings talked to the priest yourself? Perhaps you could arrange something for just the 10 of you that would not have to be approved by your Mother. Then you do not need to upset her over it. I have to admit that I, too, would be disturbed if one of my parents was to be buried without the benefit a priest. I completely understand your dismay.
BTW, I am very sorry for your loss and the need to deal with such sensitive issues at such a difficult time. Please know that your family will be in my prayers. :gopray:
 
Alan hit it right on the head. Honey, I know this is hard. But your father sounds like a really wonderful man, and you know he is probably right now enjoying the fruits of his faith! Where his earthly remains are when you celebrate the funeral Mass is of no real consequence. I wish we could all be there physically, but you must take comfort from knowing that as a Catholic Christian you belong to the communion of saints, that we are all with you truly and that your father is right now so very happy and proud of you and all his children. Ask him to pray for and with you. I know that you miss his earthly presence, but take comfort in the fact that he has made it…he’s free…and you’ll get there some day soon…ask him, too, if he will please pray for my brother - ask him to please pray that my brother John returns to the Church someday.

Thank you so much …
 
Thank you for your kind words. I have asked my dad to pray for your brother.
 
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