Need input -- Mass -- My mom/manfriend

[Maria3m]

My mom is a widow. She met a man after my dad died and they’ve been together about five years now.

We recently moved back home and have started attending Mass with my mom on Sunday. Her manfriend spends the weekend at her home…so I asked him why he doesn’t join us at Mass. (BTW, he is a Jehovah Witness, and wants to come to church with us.) He told me that my mom doesn’t want the priests to see them together. My mom used to work at a neighboring church cleaning the rectory.

I was really sad that she puts on the poor widow role at church. He stays behind waiting for her to come back after Mass.

Well, now the problem…I want him to come to Mass with us Christmas Eve. I cannot imagine the entire family going while he sits behind waiting for everyone to come back! It’s really bothering me. My mom won’t have him come along though. If he comes to Mass, she won’t go…and then I imagine he won’t go because she’d be so upset.

I want to talk to her about it, but don’t want to make waves. However, this man WANTS to come to church, but won’t because my mom might get embarressed. He was actually happy thinking I was inviting him to come to Mass tomorrow! I told him I’d love to have him come tomorrow, but my mom let me know it’s a problem.

We are to honor our parents, but at the same time I see a man who wants to learn more about Jesus.
Do I let it go (which I feel a pull that i can’t) or let my mom know he should come? If I’m going to bring it up, I have to do it tomorrow.

 

[ReginaNova]

It strikes me as odd that you are so concerned about this situation. The more pressing issue that would upset me as a Catholic and a daughter would be that they are effectively living together without the benefit of marriage. In any case, you should be very careful in pushing this issue as it may lead to your mother having hard feelings towards you. Talk to your mother privately about him attending Mass, then drop it.

 

[Celia]

If I was this guy, I’d be a little ticked off that my girlfriend was embarrased to take me to her church with her, for one thing…

I would talk to your mom about it and ask her why she is so embarrased to have him at church with her. If it’s because she’s afraid people will know she’s in a “living in sin” relationship, tell her it’s just compounding the issue to lie about it…unless they aren’t living in sin, in which case, I don’t understand what her problem is.

Definetly talk to your mom and get the whole story. If nothing else, invite the man to go to church with just your family sometime, like a daily mass or something. He has a right to be able to attend and see what it’s like. She can’t keep him from church!

 

[Maria3m]

ReginaNova:

It strikes me as odd that you are so concerned about this situation. The more pressing issue that would upset me as a Catholic and a daughter would be that they are effectively living together without the benefit of marriage.

The reason I asked about this instead of what to do about their weekend living arrangement is because I already know the teaching on it. I couldn’t fit all the background info into my post. (It was long enough as is. ) I’m trying to take small steps here without turning my mom away from the church. After not attending Mass in almost 30 years, she wants to attend with my family. I don’t know that they are intimate. I just let her know that she needs to go to confession before receiving communion. She told me that she hasn’t gone to confession at least since we moved to the U.S. in 1978. I’m taking baby steps…maybe not as fast as someone else would do it, but I’m trying.

ReginaNova:

In any case, you should be very careful in pushing this issue as it may lead to your mother having hard feelings towards you. Talk to your mother privately about him attending Mass, then drop it.

Thank you for your advice. It probably is best to just talk to her about it instead of trying to get him to come, then let it drop knowing I tried… It’s an odd feeling to confront my mom. I’m concerned about pushing her away…from the church…and me. I love her.

 

[Maria3m]

Celia:

I would talk to your mom about it and ask her why she is so embarrased to have him at church with her. If it’s because she’s afraid people will know she’s in a “living in sin” relationship, tell her it’s just compounding the issue to lie about it…unless they aren’t living in sin, in which case, I don’t understand what her problem is.

I think you hit the nail on the head.

My heart beats a little faster just reading your reply. I know my mom and I need to have this conversation. I need to pray that I find the right words because I want her to know I mean it in love. It’s not a pleasant thought to confront her about it, but I don’t mean it in a judgemental way. It just seems I’m judging her by talking to her about it. Ugh. She’s my mom! I’m not supposed to correct my mom’s behavior.

Thank you for your response, Celia. I just need to do it.

 

[Maria3m]

Maria3m:

I was really sad that she puts on the poor widow role at church.

I wanted to say that I feel really bad that I wrote that. :tsktsk:
My mom is a widow, she really really misses my dad, and it’s not a “role” she’s playing.

 

[Nance]

ReginaNova:

It strikes me as odd that you are so concerned about this situation. The more pressing issue that would upset me as a Catholic and a daughter would be that they are effectively living together without the benefit of marriage. In any case, you should be very careful in pushing this issue as it may lead to your mother having hard feelings towards you. Talk to your mother privately about him attending Mass, then drop it.

I’d also add to this the concern of the bf receiving communion if he went to Mass…
Maria I can hear in your post that you really care about your mom…your right in approaching your mom but very tenderly; however never confuse misguided compassion (which means…we aren’t going to tell the truth bc we’re afraid they won’t like us anymore).

Let us know how it turns out. GB

 

[Maria3m]

Nance:

I’d also add to this the concern of the bf receiving communion if he went to Mass…

Thank you for the reminder, Nance. I hadn’t even thought that far. If all this works out, and he does come, I will let him know that he should not receive and the reason why.

Nance:

never confuse misguided compassion (which means…we aren’t going to tell the truth bc we’re afraid they won’t like us anymore).

Your advice is very wise and given in such a gentle manner…
I will always keep this in mind.

Thank you, Nance.

 

[deb1]

ReginaNova:

It strikes me as odd that you are so concerned about this situation. The more pressing issue that would upset me as a Catholic and a daughter would be that they are effectively living together without the benefit of marriage. In any case, you should be very careful in pushing this issue as it may lead to your mother having hard feelings towards you. Talk to your mother privately about him attending Mass, then drop it.

I would just like to point out that as the poster’s mother is an adult there isn’t much that she can do about the situation. Yes, she can voice her disapproval that two people are living in sin-if they are-but she can’t make her mom stop doing so.

 

[ReginaNova]

deb1:

I would just like to point out that as the poster’s mother is an adult there isn’t much that she can do about the situation. Yes, she can voice her disapproval that two people are living in sin-if they are-but she can’t make her mom stop doing so.

I agree. And she will also need to be very careful in inviting the boyfriend to Mass, as her mother is clearly not comfortable with it. Maria’s subsequent posts clarify the situation. I sensed that while her post was about the boyfriend going to Mass, Maria was really concerned about her mother’s faith and spiritual life. Maria sounds like she is suitably cautious and knows she needs to proceed with “baby steps” (as she says). She will probably be sensitive and loving with her mom.

 

[Celia]

I think you hit the nail on the head.

My heart beats a little faster just reading your reply. I know my mom and I need to have this conversation. I need to pray that I find the right words because I want her to know I mean it in love. It’s not a pleasant thought to confront her about it, but I don’t mean it in a judgemental way. It just seems I’m judging her by talking to her about it. Ugh. She’s my mom! I’m not supposed to correct my mom’s behavior.

Thank you for your response, Celia. I just need to do it.

Sure. Best of luck to you Maria. Have a talk and let us know how things go. Just keep it casual and gentle and let it flow. If you sense her getting miffed, let it go and take up the gauntlet another time. Prayers!