Need relationship advice PLEASE!

[Cadence]

I am in a loving relationship but we have hit a difficult patch. We love each other dearly, we are both Catholic, share the same views on faith, raising of children, life etc We are very happy and comfortable together except…

Recently things have felt strained and my boyfriend has said that he feels he cannot continue. He feels that there are some things about me that just wear him down and he does not think he has the patience to deal with it. He worries that this is causing him to take me for granted and not treat me as I deserve. He feels that this will make us both miserable and so we cannot eventually marry. He dosn’t want me to change for him- he says he wants to take me as I am or not at all.

Can anyone offer advice on how to deal with this? I love him so much and feel we are connected in so many ways. He loves me too and also feels we have so much together but he dosn’t want to end up hating me. How do we work through these times when we get on each others nerves? Is this something that should break us apart?

 

[Brian_Travers]

Cadence:

I am in a loving relationship but we have hit a difficult patch. We love each other dearly, we are both Catholic, share the same views on faith, raising of children, life etc We are very happy and comfortable together except…

Recently things have felt strained and my boyfriend has said that he feels he cannot continue. He feels that there are some things about me that just wear him down and he does not think he has the patience to deal with it. He worries that this is causing him to take me for granted and not treat me as I deserve. He feels that this will make us both miserable and so we cannot eventually marry. He dosn’t want me to change for him- he says he wants to take me as I am or not at all.

Can anyone offer advice on how to deal with this? I love him so much and feel we are connected in so many ways. He loves me too and also feels we have so much together but he dosn’t want to end up hating me. How do we work through these times when we get on each others nerves? Is this something that should break us apart?

Maybe you should take a break from each other? Time to work through your problems? Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Best of luck to you.

 

[1ke]

It depends on what the things are that concern him. Some things are deal breakers and some things are not. He is wise to recognize if he has come across a deal breaker. It may also be that you two are young and have some growing to do-- you don’t state your ages. He may not be ready to make a marriage committment.

If he has identified a deal breaker, then it is best to part ways. It’s painful, but when you do meet the person who is right for you then you’ll see how this other relationship may have seemed right but wasn’t.

 

[Traugs]

Cadence (sorry this ended up being so long),

Three things:

First, I agree with Brian. A break may be good. It will give you some perspective on your relationship and you may see things that you were “blind” to before. They don’t say “love is blind” for nothing. And it may allow him to realize that he is being petty or childish and that when you love someone you love ALL of them and all of those “things” they do that drive you crazy actually make you love them more over time.

My second thought is something I heard once about love. Love itself is not a feeling. The warm fuzzies we get when we are with someone that makes us think we are “in love” are feelings of affection, attraction, what have you. Love is an action… it’s how you act and react towards that person. That is how two people can be married for sixty plus years. My husband and I actually had this conversation the other day because his parents are recently divorced after twenty years. His dad decided that he didn’t “love” his mom anymore. Well, he was no longer attracted to her. They were both going through rough patches and he lost his affection/attraction for her. He thought he no longer loved her. Loving her would have been going to counseling with her because she needed it more than he wanted to go. Loving her would have been waking up every morning telling her she was a beautiful and wonderful woman even though it may have been a struggle for him to do so. Loving her would have been talking to her about his feelings instead of shutting her out and drinking a bottle of wine every night with dinner. That is what love is. Though I’ve only been married for seven years and can’t speak from experience to this subject yet, the thought is that if you continue to ACT in LOVE towards someone you once had affection for, then you will rekindle that affection with those actions of love. This thought was more for your boyfriend than you, but you need to know it too.

Finally, I’m not an Oprah fan necessarily and rarely watch her show but I caught one a couple of years ago. It was the one where this guy (whose name I cannot remember) came on and told all these women with guy troubles “he’s just not that into you”. I’m not saying that is your situation but… if a man truly loves a woman then the little things won’t bother him. He won’t make excuses, which is, quite frankly, what he’s doing. I dated a guy in college and our situation was the same. So many commonalities it was crazy. We were “perfect” together. Our situation was reversed though. There were “things” about him I couldn’t get past and what I realized finally was that he just wasn’t the one. I made all sorts of excuses but the bottom line was that there was someone else out there for me. 18 months later I met him and knew the moment I met him that he was the one. And he knew the same thing. I’m not saying your boyfriend isn’t the one, he may be, just be open to the possibility that he isn’t.

The bottom line is this… don’t settle for just anyone. Not in this day and age when people don’t have to marry for money, status, etc. So, take a break and doing some heavy praying. If he is the one it will happen. If not the Holy Spirit will speak to your heart, just make sure you listen, no matter what the message is. You can’t be afraid to let go of him and be alone or you will miss the message.

 

[Island_Oak]

What are the specific issues he has with you?

 

[LSK]

Cadence:

Recently things have felt strained and my boyfriend has said that he feels he cannot continue. He feels that there are some things about me that just wear him down and he does not think he has the patience to deal with it. He worries that this is causing him to take me for granted and not treat me as I deserve. He feels that this will make us both miserable and so we cannot eventually marry. He dosn’t want me to change for him- he says he wants to take me as I am or not at all.

what did he say about you was wearing him down?

 

[YinYangMom]

Cadence:

He feels that there are some things about me that just wear him down and he does not think he has the patience to deal with it. He worries that this is causing him to take me for granted and not treat me as I deserve. He feels that this will make us both miserable and so we cannot eventually marry. He doesn’t want me to change for him- he says he wants to take me as I am or not at all.

There’s the red flag…

Marriage is all about change, trust me on that. Change in living habits, change in diets, change in routines, change in jobs/career paths, change in finances, change in spiritual levels, change in life - pre children, during children, post children.

Married couples help each other **grow **in life and in faith, and growth is change. The ideal situation is when a couple grows/changes at the same rate in the same areas but that is actually quite rare.

It doesn’t matter whether or not he wants you to change for him…what matters, and what you need to ask is whether or not he loves you enough to help you become the best person you could be, fully living God’s plan for you. You, then, would have to be able to trust that the advice he’s about to share with you is for your best interest. And this is what helps a young couple discern whether or not they are meant to spend the rest of their lives together.

It’s possible he’s right, you shouldn’t change the behaviors which bother him because they are part of who you are and they’re good…but then the fact that he’d rather walk away than work on changing himself so that he comes to appreciate those things which are good about you but wear him down shows he isn’t ready to commit to improving himself for someone else.

Keep in mind this is not a bad thing. It’s really not about you. It’s just an indication of the level of self-awareness he is at…he’s aware enough to recognize there are things about you which wear him down and that he’s not ready to commit to helping you change or changing himself. That will come in time, but he’s not there yet.

What to do in the meantime is resist the temptation to jump through hoops to change things just to hang on to him. If you want to change things about you for your own self-improvement, fine, but don’t do it to stay in a relationship. Pray for discernment during this time, God is speaking to you through your boyfriend’s journey. It’s pretty much how He works throughout marriages too…He really does work through each person in a marriage to help guide the other closer to Him but it’s up to each person to pray about learning to read the signs so they can follow and learning how to lead gently and lovingly. If you two are meant to be married this trial you are going through right now is important.