Need some advice

[Aquila9896]

Hi, I got a small situation on my hands and would like some opinions on it. I have been dating this wonderful man for some time now and we are both very much in love with each other. We are both conservative in our views, religious and political, and we are not engaging in any form of premarital sex and are determined to keep it that way till marriage if we indeed get married. Here is my problem: a while ago he admitted to me that some years ago he was engaged in premarital relations before he made his conversion back to the Church (he was raised Catholic but then quit going to Mass and “fell away” so to speak). He, of course, went to confession and confessed everything and is very sorry for what he had done.

I was absolutely taken by surprise because he is such a good person with such a pure heart. I still love him dearly although he made some mistakes. I truly believe that he is sorry for what he had done and he is truly committed to staying chaste till marriage. He made that committment before I met him and has kept it faithfully. But this is where I need advice: although in my heart I truly want to forgive him and I still love him why does his past still bother me from time to time? I have been praying for help on this matter because he is such a wonderful person with great morales and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I want to let his past go but it still creeps up on me and will bother me although I know he is sorry for it. I’ve been struggling with this for some monthes now…any suggestions as to what I can do about this or why I have this problem? Sometimes I think it might be because I was kinda setting my heart on meeting someone that had preserved their virginity till marriage like I have been and maybe that’s why it bothers me. I really don’t want to hold his past against him though because he is such a great person in so many respects. I appreciate your time and comments. Thanks!!!

 

[The_Barrister]

Good question. My response:

Who among us is without sin? Your fiance has sought and received absolution from God for his past sinful behavior. His sin was against God, not you. If God can forgive that sin, surely you can, as well.

Hope this helps.

 

[jrabs]

Aquila9896:

He, of course, went to confession and confessed everything and is very sorry for what he had done.

Welcome to the forum.
Wow - you are blessed to have a man that wants to remain pure until marriage! That is a great virtue in both of you.

I would pray for help from the Holy Spirit to let go of this issue in your heart. It has become your issue. God has forgiven this man so why do you bind this sin to him?
You have described him as a wonderful man. Focus on his good (which it sounds like to do).

Is it possible the devil keeps bringing this up in your heart to try and confuse and muddy a relationship that God wants to bless? He has been known to try and foul good things up.

May God bless your relationship.

 

[Finella]

great advice so far…

I think it is normal for you to think about his past and feel angry, upset, or disappointed about it. But it is what you do with those feelings that matters the most.

Whenever the thought pops into your head… why don’t you think about a mistake from your past that you are ashamed of. Then tell yourself how lucky and blessed you are to find a wonderful caring man who doesn’t hold your past transgressions against you.

I think the problem is that you are worrying too much about why you feel the way you do. But I could be wrong. I am just thinking about it the way I would if I were in your situation.

You sound like you love him very much and clearly see all of the good in him. Focus on that…and it might help if you let him know what a great guy you think he is. I’m sure you already do, but just in case…

The more positive thoughts you allow yourself to dwell on, the less room for the negative. So pray alot, and if this is the man God wants for you make sure you don’t allow the devil’s negative influence to get in the way…

Good luck to you both…and make sure you let us know the minute you get engaged

Finella

 

[ridesawhitehors]

Ok, honesty here.
I am surprised at you. This sounds like a dear man, who in confidence revealed to you his weakness and failure,… returned to the grace of the Church through the sacraments. And is in love with you. And now you are judging whether or not he is the right one because of his “questionable purity”?
How would YOU like it if you bared your past sins to him that you felt were forgivable, and his reaction was to judge you and reject you as a mate on the basis of that information? :tsktsk:

Sorry if this sounds harsh… but you could be making the mistake of your life.

 

[kage_ar]

Please remember, good people with pure hearts DO sin sometimes.

If he had admitted to breaking a different commandment - if he told you that during the time when he fell away, he stole something. He confessed the theft and was forgiven. Would you then not trust him alone in your living room for thinking of him as a thief?

The fact that he DID tell you - when he could have kept this to himself forever - shows his character.

Better a repentant devout Catholic than a virgin pagan - right?

Kage

 

[dhgray]

Is your real name Mary, mother of Jesus? If not, then you also have sinned. Why should his sins be any different than yours? OK, so he has had sex. He as also received the Grace of forgiveness by God. If God can forgive him, why can’t you?

The only one who keeps bringing this issue up is Satan. He keeps planting the seed of doubt.

 

[Aquila9896]

ridesawhitehors:

Ok, honesty here.
I am surprised at you. This sounds like a dear man, who in confidence revealed to you his weakness and failure,… returned to the grace of the Church through the sacraments. And is in love with you. And now you are judging whether or not he is the right one because of his “questionable purity”?
How would YOU like it if you bared your past sins to him that you felt were forgivable, and his reaction was to judge you and reject you as a mate on the basis of that information? :tsktsk:

Sorry if this sounds harsh… but you could be making the mistake of your life.

Ok, I must not have made myself clear…my problem isn’t if he is the right one for me because of his past, but why does his past bother me although I want to let it go. If I wanted to hold his past against him, I would’ve dumped him monthes ago when he told me the truth…but I didn’t do that because he was truly sorry and had repented. I just want advice on how I can keep the nagging thoughts of his past out of my mind because I want to let it go. I have absolutely no intention of rejecting him because of his past…I didn’t want to back then and I don’t want to now. I know it would be the biggest mistake if I were to let him go because, in my opinion, he is the best man any woman can ask for even despite his past sins. He treats me like I’m his whole world and I couldn’t ask for more. Oh, and I don’t question his purity at all because as I mentioned in my original post, I always saw him as having a very pure heart and that to me is the measure of someone’s purity…it’s what is in the heart that counts.

Just wanted to make things a little more clear. I love him very much and I have no intention of letting him go because of past sins. Trust me, I’m far from perfect myself and I know that. I just want to know how I can conquer the thoughts of his past that keep coming to mind, that’s all.

 

[mark_a]

First- What were the circumstances of him telling you this?

Second- Your reaction is very strong human nature. It may be too strong at this point in your life to overcome. It may take more time, prayer, and personal understanding than either of you are willing to invest.

You owe it to yourself and even more to him to resolve this. It’s easy for us (on this forum) to repeat what the bible says about this situation, and I truly hope you can apply it, but you must be honest with yourself and not suppress how you feel. It is guaranteed to rear it’s ugly head later when it’s possibly too late. It will affect your lives and your children’s lives.

The fact is, one of the fringe benefits about both being virgins when you get married is the absence of comparisons about how you “stack up” against an ex-. Sorry for being blunt.

I truly hope you keep God involved.

In the end, you deserve to marry a virgin if virginity is a non-negotiable for you.

 

[ridesawhitehors]

Ok Aquila ~ guess I jumped the gun a little and was a bit off target. Sorry -

It sounds like you are dealing with a trust and insecurity issue.
Sounds more like an insecurity issue, because you are convincing that this IS a trustworthy man.
You must do some self examination, and shore up your heart, dignity, and spirit.

You have to make an act of the will and LET IT GO, and if it comes back REJECT IT. Every time it comes back think about how God has forgiven him and is also going forward with him. Activily reject, verbally if you have to, all thoughts and feelings of insecurity that crop up.
Identify it, Realize when those thoughts come automatically. reject them, replace them with Gods grace.
If you don’t you will allow yourself to be a slave to those thoughts, and you will never go forward in a healthy way with him.
Allow Gods grace to fill in the places where those thoughts dwell.
Peace and all good ~~~