Need some input on my relationship with my girlfriend

[thewanderer]

I just want to say that your girlfiend sounds a lot like me early on in my current relationship. There is a possibility that you two will work out, but please don’t expect it to, it is very likely that she will not come around. But if there is any chance that she will you need to back off now and take off the pressure big-time.

Trust me, I’ve been there, feeling pressured about the idea of marriage and the level of attraction/commitment your boyfriend shows towards you can really inhibit the natural development of a healthy relationship. The fact of the matter is that your girlfiend, for whatever reason, is not ready to be in a relationship at present, and, unfortunately, she may never be ready to be in a relationship with you. She recognizes that you are a great guy, and feels a certain level of attraction to you, and now has given a certain amount of commitment to you through deciding to date you. However, because she is not mentally/emotionally ready to be in such a relationship she feels worried about the relationship, about hurting you and about being pressured into commiting even further without being ready to do so. What this does is it turns the relationship, and you, into something that is very negative to think about, and so when she does think about it it stresses her out, and she tries her best to avoid thinking about it as much as she can. This creates a new, enormous obstacle to your relationship, not only is she not mentally/emotionally ready for such a relationship, now she avoids thinking about you and anytime she does it is an unpleasant affair. This is going to make it near impossible for her to grow closer to you the way someone in a relationship should. I’m willing to bet anything that when you talked about how she has all these amazing qualities that you want in a wife she was not reassured, but felt more guilty than ever at the thought of breaking up with you, and so put her doubts aside and instead focused on the times that she felt attraction to you, almost willing herself to be emotionally attatched the way she would be in a healthy relationship. Of course, as soon as you left she stopped trying to force herself into a level of mental/emotional commitment that just doesn’t exist for her right now and so felt relieved, and, well, free, which in turn led her to feel even more guilty whenever she thinks of you and your relationship. I think you get the idea, the fact that she feels pressured right now is actually one of the main causes that your relationship is not going anywhere. There is an underlying cause, whatever it is that is keeping her from being mentally/emotionally ready for such a relationship, but there is no way to even begin to address that issue until you back off and give her more space.

As for what is causing her to be so unready for a real relationship… I can only guess, but especially since she didn’t even know what sex was until two years ago, I’m going to guess its that she doesn’t have a good solid idea of what marriage is to look to. Maybe I’m just projecting here, that was pretty much my reason, but it might be something to think about anyway. For me, I mean, I had always thought about the possibility of getting married, and even thought I would like it, and never imagined dating without marriage in mind as the ultimate goal, but somehow it was always a removed perception of marriage, not something I knew how to reconcile with me as I was now. If this is her problem it is going to take time for her to overcome it, if she does. She will need to take time to reflect on her life, and marriage (without feeling the pressure of commiting to any particular person) and begin to really make the idea of marriage as a state she can see herself in.

(cont…)

 

[thewanderer]

(…cont)

This was part of my problem, part of it (which is related) is that I didn’t know how to really commit emotionally to someone. You know, you get these images in your head of how relationships are supposed to work, from movies and books etc, and so instead of just being yourself you work really hard at being the person these images in your head tell you you are supposed to be, you start to act out a part, which really closes off the possibility of actually growing close to anyone. It will be a slow process where she will have to recognize that these ideals are just that, fake, imaginary, irrelevent ideas and learn how to discard them. From there she can work on just being herself, that is, assuming any of my own experience really applies to her.

As to the fact that she doesn’t miss you when you are gone… this is yet another thing that I have in common with her. I mean, I am sure that it is partially that she doesn’t want to think about the relationship at all and so puts it out of her head as much as possible, but beyond that, as someone else said, some people just don’t tend to miss those who aren’t currently present. Thats like me. I’ve never been overly homesick despite going to school almost halfway across the world from the rest of my family. Its always when I get back to them and right when I am leaving them that I realize just how much I have missed them, not while I am gone, then I am too busy thinking about the present and what is currently around me. This could be another thing that is worrying her, the fact that she doesn’t miss you while you are gone could help convince her that she isn’t living up this ideal where she should be pining after you while you are apart. After all, thats how relationships are portrayed in almost every book and movie right? It sure sounds more romantic, but thats not real life, everyone is different and she needs to leard to realize who she is and toss out all these preconceived notions about life, only then will she be truly ready to get into a relationship with someone.

Anyway… I’m just rambling at this point, but I hope at least some of this is helpful for you, I feel so bad for you because it makes me think of my boyfriend and just how much he had to go through because of me, but I love him all the more for it. Break it off, tell her you want to give her the space she needs to figure it all out for herself. You can keep in touch and be friends, but do realize that she might never decide to date you, so try to gaurd your heart at the same time. Maybe try to talk to her about just what it is that makes her feel scared about the idea of commitment (and when I say talk I really mean *listen). *Suggest that she pray about it and take some time out of her life to reflect on it all for her own sake (ie regardless of whether or not she will ever want to get back together with you, it is absolutely imperative that you do not make her feel pressured). And let it be. There really is not much more you can do except pray yourself for God’s will to be done. I will be sure to say some prayerss for both of you. :hug1:

 

[JeraldW]

Hey everyone, first of all I appreciate everyones most chritable advice and guidance! It really helped out. really, I thank everyone!

An update. Just this past Sunday she broke up with me during our last skype chat. Basically her reason was " i dont think we have the same goals with mysachool and all"

I recently had the opportunity for her to come to where I am for the summer ( of course i would have found someone like from my parish for her to live with!!!) she chose to entertain organ lessons instead of this idea. There was virtually no reason why she could have not done this. This basically was the tell tale sign she didnt really like me for myself if she would choose the occasional music lesson over dating her boyfriend in a normal ( not long distance) matter.

I am actually somewhat relieved that I am free to pursure other ventures and other women, and just generally re submit to Gods will. I reactived my AMS account for one thing. I know someday God Willing I will meet a lady that will truly love me, I know I will. I guess for now I will just continue forming myeself into the stong, truly masculine man that my future wife and children will need. All I can ask of you guys is if you could pray that the right gal comes into my life in the Lord’s time. I’d appreciate it!

Deo Gratias!

 

[Actaeon]

Hey everyone, first of all I appreciate everyones most chritable advice and guidance! It really helped out. really, I thank everyone!

An update. Just this past Sunday she broke up with me during our last skype chat. Basically her reason was " i dont think we have the same goals with mysachool and all"

I recently had the opportunity for her to come to where I am for the summer ( of course i would have found someone like from my parish for her to live with!!!) she chose to entertain organ lessons instead of this idea. There was virtually no reason why she could have not done this. This basically was the tell tale sign she didnt really like me for myself if she would choose the occasional music lesson over dating her boyfriend in a normal ( not long distance) matter.

I am actually somewhat relieved that I am free to pursure other ventures and other women, and just generally re submit to Gods will. I reactived my AMS account for one thing. I know someday God Willing I will meet a lady that will truly love me, I know I will. I guess for now I will just continue forming myeself into the stong, truly masculine man that my future wife and children will need. All I can ask of you guys is if you could pray that the right gal comes into my life in the Lord’s time. I’d appreciate it!

Deo Gratias!

Hey Jerald,

Sorry it didn’t work out, but at least you saw it coming and it looks like you’re handling it like a good Catholic man should. I hope and pray that you find a woman with whom you can love each other for the rest of your lives!

 

[chevalier]

Hey, Jerald. Glad to hear you’re taking it like a man. Like you say, the way she picked that organ lesson over meeting you was a tell-tale. Love or not, I would have taken it as a sign of disrespect, in fact, an active affront. In reality, she may’ve been pushing the relationship out of her system, possibly as an effort to keep a continuing illusion of not being in one. Who knows. But that’s not how a girl behaves who’s into you. Which doesn’t mean she won’t try to come back to you, that sometimes happens. In which case you’ve got to keep a clear head.

I guess for now I will just continue forming myeself into the stong, truly masculine man that my future wife and children will need.

You’ve got results showing already!

Also, if you find a well-formed woman, she may still think fishing sucks and may even tell that to you (if you meet a particularly mouthy one) but will still be happy to be there with you and will prefer that to being somewhere else without you. One that loves you will generally start to love fishing (not always and not everything you like but there is a tendency). I use that a lot to gauge if a girl cares and I don’t even mean romantically. Someone who cares gets results. Excuses are not the same as results, although some are good. When someone doesn’t even see much of a need to offer an excuse, well, you have your sign. Look for a woman that respects you firstly and reciprocates secondly.

You have chosen a difficult career with regards to finding a wife, because you are going to spend a lot of time away from your wife and family. She can’t be someone who has to have you there every minute. Even if you start out driving together, somebody has to stay home when the kids come along. It is not for everybody; she has to be independent enough to manage while you’re gone and yet not feel upset by the realization that she can live without you in the immediate orbit all of the time. A lot of people, men and women alike, cannot manage that. For some, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but for others it is out of sight, out of mind. That is not a character difference so much as a temperament difference.

One word about that. Sometimes it’s a shifting dynamic. Once a woman opens up she may actually start feeling neglected when you get used to dealing without her presence. In less extreme scenarios it’s simply people waiting or taking turns until the situation stabilises.