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BlueShadow123
Guest
I dont understand why you’re the one cleaning, cooking, and doing the laundry. if he has an issue with it, why doesn’t he do it himself?
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Cupofkindness
Guest
I have no doubt that you are already a very good wife, now God is calling you to be an even better one. What I have to say is difficult and runs counter to most of the advice you have received so far. What I recommend is rather radical: that you speak to your husband graciously after he complains, seeking his advice on how to do better. This will be an exercise in humility for you, but it may well slowly change your husband’s self-esteem and your marriage. Forgive me if someone else has posted this.
First, really listen to what he is saying. Obviously, something is bothering him, it may have nothing to do with the words he is speaking, but he is not at peace and his angst runs very deep. So you will start by attempting to “fix” what he is complaining about. If for no other reason, because he is your spouse and you are his helpmate. In good faith and sincerely you will address his concerns, he will see if your approach is fake and this will undermine your effort.
So he complains that his shirt has too many wrinkles. You ask him if he knows of any better ironing techniques, and/or suggest that the shirts are instead professionally laundered, or ask him to set a time that both of you could iron together so that you know by demonstration what sort of outcome he is wishing for. Or that his mother could teach you how to iron his shirts to his satisfaction. Ask him if you can buy a better iron. Go at the problem from several different angles until he is content with the solution. Then, that is how you do that from now on. When he complains, lovingly say to him that you are doing exactly what he asked, but still offer to try harder next time or ask for more suggestions from him.
Or he complains that the baby is too whiny. First, you agree with him and apologize that the baby is difficult. You offer to leave the room with the baby to give your husband the peace and quiet that he believes he deserves. Or you ask you husband for suggestions on improving the baby’s behavior. Ask him how much time he would like alone, or that he should call you and the baby back when he feels ready to spend time with you.
Next he criticizes the way you look. You see, he might be trying to get under your skin, so he may get really personal and ugly if nothing else has gotten a rise out of you. He tells you that you look awful, and that you should do something about it. Again, you agree… you definitely have changed in appearance since your wedding day…or the birth of your child… having a sense of humor really can help. He tells you your Masters degree is worthless; try to laugh it off and say that yes, it didn’t teach you the most basic things in life, like how to care for a baby, which is the job you have right now and the most important job of your life… but what is past, is over and that you try not to dwell on such things in order to focus on your family. Always answer in an upbeat fashion, never in anger. This will be very hard without a lot of prayer and support from friends and family who understand.
It goes on and on. Because he will go on and on. It may get worse before it gets better. But he will change over time. When we read about the saintly women who converted their cruel, tyrannical husbands, they did it because they were humble, kind, respectful, and loving. Restoring peace is not a job for the weak-hearted. St. Elizabeth of Portugal went onto the battlefield to stop a war between her husband and her son. She risked her life and public opinion of her in order to bring peace to her house. I have no doubt that the prayers of these heroic women were not only for souls of their spouses, but also for the grace to be a loving, forgiving woman in spite of the injustices in their marriage or home. It can take years for a spouse to change. But as you remove the obstacles to feeling good (or whatever it is that he thinks he is entitled to feeling–happiness, a sense of control, etc.) he will slowly understand that the only person responsible for his attitude is himself. It may take years to undo the damage his father has done to him.
Also, as often as possible, do fun/interesting things together outside of the home if you have reliable child-care. Leave the baby behind for a few hours and work to rekindle the initial love of your relationship. Ask you husband if he would like time alone with you, a date. If he says yes, then do whatever you can to make this happen.
You will learn how to pray all the better when you are being persecuted by your husband and suffering that comes with it. I know that daily Mass with a one-year old is difficult, but this could be the source of grace you need to help your husband overcome this significant problem. Also, if you are comfortable with any of the priests at your parish, perhaps one could serve as your Confessor, which would further aid in your own spiritual growth.
I will add that I do believe this is emotional abuse on your husband’s part, however, I believe that it can be resolved. Christ has a lot to say about the “an eye for an eye… a tooth for a tooth” way of thinking. He tells us to turn the other cheek. That is a very hard teaching. You will benefit by offering up the many sacrifices that you make, made out of love for your husband and out of love for a God who sees the big picture. Beg God to give your husband peace. Be an instrument of that peace.
First, really listen to what he is saying. Obviously, something is bothering him, it may have nothing to do with the words he is speaking, but he is not at peace and his angst runs very deep. So you will start by attempting to “fix” what he is complaining about. If for no other reason, because he is your spouse and you are his helpmate. In good faith and sincerely you will address his concerns, he will see if your approach is fake and this will undermine your effort.
So he complains that his shirt has too many wrinkles. You ask him if he knows of any better ironing techniques, and/or suggest that the shirts are instead professionally laundered, or ask him to set a time that both of you could iron together so that you know by demonstration what sort of outcome he is wishing for. Or that his mother could teach you how to iron his shirts to his satisfaction. Ask him if you can buy a better iron. Go at the problem from several different angles until he is content with the solution. Then, that is how you do that from now on. When he complains, lovingly say to him that you are doing exactly what he asked, but still offer to try harder next time or ask for more suggestions from him.
Or he complains that the baby is too whiny. First, you agree with him and apologize that the baby is difficult. You offer to leave the room with the baby to give your husband the peace and quiet that he believes he deserves. Or you ask you husband for suggestions on improving the baby’s behavior. Ask him how much time he would like alone, or that he should call you and the baby back when he feels ready to spend time with you.
Next he criticizes the way you look. You see, he might be trying to get under your skin, so he may get really personal and ugly if nothing else has gotten a rise out of you. He tells you that you look awful, and that you should do something about it. Again, you agree… you definitely have changed in appearance since your wedding day…or the birth of your child… having a sense of humor really can help. He tells you your Masters degree is worthless; try to laugh it off and say that yes, it didn’t teach you the most basic things in life, like how to care for a baby, which is the job you have right now and the most important job of your life… but what is past, is over and that you try not to dwell on such things in order to focus on your family. Always answer in an upbeat fashion, never in anger. This will be very hard without a lot of prayer and support from friends and family who understand.
It goes on and on. Because he will go on and on. It may get worse before it gets better. But he will change over time. When we read about the saintly women who converted their cruel, tyrannical husbands, they did it because they were humble, kind, respectful, and loving. Restoring peace is not a job for the weak-hearted. St. Elizabeth of Portugal went onto the battlefield to stop a war between her husband and her son. She risked her life and public opinion of her in order to bring peace to her house. I have no doubt that the prayers of these heroic women were not only for souls of their spouses, but also for the grace to be a loving, forgiving woman in spite of the injustices in their marriage or home. It can take years for a spouse to change. But as you remove the obstacles to feeling good (or whatever it is that he thinks he is entitled to feeling–happiness, a sense of control, etc.) he will slowly understand that the only person responsible for his attitude is himself. It may take years to undo the damage his father has done to him.
Also, as often as possible, do fun/interesting things together outside of the home if you have reliable child-care. Leave the baby behind for a few hours and work to rekindle the initial love of your relationship. Ask you husband if he would like time alone with you, a date. If he says yes, then do whatever you can to make this happen.
You will learn how to pray all the better when you are being persecuted by your husband and suffering that comes with it. I know that daily Mass with a one-year old is difficult, but this could be the source of grace you need to help your husband overcome this significant problem. Also, if you are comfortable with any of the priests at your parish, perhaps one could serve as your Confessor, which would further aid in your own spiritual growth.
I will add that I do believe this is emotional abuse on your husband’s part, however, I believe that it can be resolved. Christ has a lot to say about the “an eye for an eye… a tooth for a tooth” way of thinking. He tells us to turn the other cheek. That is a very hard teaching. You will benefit by offering up the many sacrifices that you make, made out of love for your husband and out of love for a God who sees the big picture. Beg God to give your husband peace. Be an instrument of that peace.
L
Little_Me
Guest
cupofkindness - thank you for your advice. I will look into the saint that you mentioned.
P
Planet_Claire
Guest
Just to give a (former) child’'s perspective…My father was extremely critical of my mother when I was growing up. Even though I was usually not criticized by him, it was very upsetting to hear my mom spoken to that way day after day after day. It created a lot of insecurity and anxiety in my young mind and I ate dinner every night with a lump in my stomach. My father also drank and yelled, which was not mentioned in the original post, so I realize my case was probably more extreme. By I’m just sharing this to let people know that the kids are definitely affected too, even if they are not the ones being criticized.
U
USMC_Wife
Guest
Thanks for posting this, Little Me! This is the exact question/answer I was hoping to find in joining! I’ve done the dumping of his dinner thing actually. While it worked once (and boy did it feel good!), the second and third time only bred more criticism. I’m curious though, which advice did you follow and how did it go?
J
joandarc2008
Guest
BTW- you may wish to take BlueShadow’s advice with a grain of salt - I did not realize this until another thread but she is 16. God bless.
L
Little_Me
Guest
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church; however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
I love that. My husband and I have gone over that a few times. My only personal issue with this verse is that it’s a double edged sword
“Snappy comebacks, telling him to “do it yourself”, telling him off or to “shut up” as you said in your original post are not going to strengthen your marriage.”
Agreed. Been there, done that. Didn’t help and didn’t make me a better person.
“Just to give a (former) child’'s perspective…My father was extremely critical of my mother when I was growing up. Even though I was usually not criticized by him, it was very upsetting to hear my mom spoken to that way day after day after day. It created a lot of insecurity and anxiety in my young mind and I ate dinner every night with a lump in my stomach. My father also drank and yelled, which was not mentioned in the original post, so I realize my case was probably more extreme. By I’m just sharing this to let people know that the kids are definitely affected too, even if they are not the ones being criticized”
Yes, this is my fear as I have been on your end as well. To injure a mother is to injure her child.
“Look if your husband is a total tyrant and abusive then you should seek counseling and help right away.”
No he isn’t not at all. He doesn’t so much as raise his voice. Everything is a matter of fact statement. I am not under abuse, just extensive criticism.
“Perhaps he feels that a wrinkled shirt is a way that you are treating him like it doesn’t matter to you at all how he looks and it hurts his feelings”
Wow, I would have never thought about it in those terms. That makes a lot of sense to me. Now that I think about he has mentioned on a few occasions that people will think he wife doesn’t take care of him.
“Thanks for posting this, Little Me! This is the exact question/answer I was hoping to find in joining! I’ve done the dumping of his dinner thing actually. While it worked once (and boy did it feel good!), the second and third time only bred more criticism. I’m curious though, which advice did you follow and how did it go?”
still working on it. I will keep you all updated. Of course I post this and things seem to settle down. I will try some of the kinder, WWJD advice, for the next round. In the meantime I have tried to acknowledge some of the past issues and prevent them from happening. For instance I made soup and instead of having to hear about how it needed salt and that it was bland and tasteless I served him with the salt shaker and said “I didn’t add a lot of salt because I am cutting back however you may want to add salt to your own liking”. And that worked. I got a “thanks” instead of a descriptive set of criticisms.
again, thanks to all for the advice. I will be updating at some point
I love that. My husband and I have gone over that a few times. My only personal issue with this verse is that it’s a double edged sword
“Snappy comebacks, telling him to “do it yourself”, telling him off or to “shut up” as you said in your original post are not going to strengthen your marriage.”
Agreed. Been there, done that. Didn’t help and didn’t make me a better person.
“Just to give a (former) child’'s perspective…My father was extremely critical of my mother when I was growing up. Even though I was usually not criticized by him, it was very upsetting to hear my mom spoken to that way day after day after day. It created a lot of insecurity and anxiety in my young mind and I ate dinner every night with a lump in my stomach. My father also drank and yelled, which was not mentioned in the original post, so I realize my case was probably more extreme. By I’m just sharing this to let people know that the kids are definitely affected too, even if they are not the ones being criticized”
Yes, this is my fear as I have been on your end as well. To injure a mother is to injure her child.
“Look if your husband is a total tyrant and abusive then you should seek counseling and help right away.”
No he isn’t not at all. He doesn’t so much as raise his voice. Everything is a matter of fact statement. I am not under abuse, just extensive criticism.
“Perhaps he feels that a wrinkled shirt is a way that you are treating him like it doesn’t matter to you at all how he looks and it hurts his feelings”
Wow, I would have never thought about it in those terms. That makes a lot of sense to me. Now that I think about he has mentioned on a few occasions that people will think he wife doesn’t take care of him.
“Thanks for posting this, Little Me! This is the exact question/answer I was hoping to find in joining! I’ve done the dumping of his dinner thing actually. While it worked once (and boy did it feel good!), the second and third time only bred more criticism. I’m curious though, which advice did you follow and how did it go?”
still working on it. I will keep you all updated. Of course I post this and things seem to settle down. I will try some of the kinder, WWJD advice, for the next round. In the meantime I have tried to acknowledge some of the past issues and prevent them from happening. For instance I made soup and instead of having to hear about how it needed salt and that it was bland and tasteless I served him with the salt shaker and said “I didn’t add a lot of salt because I am cutting back however you may want to add salt to your own liking”. And that worked. I got a “thanks” instead of a descriptive set of criticisms.
again, thanks to all for the advice. I will be updating at some point
J
joandarc2008
Guest
This is often misuderstood - when the verse is taken in it’s entirety you will see that the husband also has responsibilities as well. When he does not honor those responsibilities then you must love him but you must stil take care of yourself and your spiritual well being first and the needs of your children as well and then him.
M
mdgspencer
Guest
If you feel that you can still speak with him about something that concerns you, you ought to pick the right moment and try to think beforehand how to speak about it so he will listen and not become angry.
You may have to suffer in silence sometimes. As you indicate, lashing out at him doesn’t help.
Instead of speaking sometimes, it can be better just to pray. You can pray for your husband too.
Christians ought to pray every day in any case, and more than a minute or so.
You may have to suffer in silence sometimes. As you indicate, lashing out at him doesn’t help.
Instead of speaking sometimes, it can be better just to pray. You can pray for your husband too.
Christians ought to pray every day in any case, and more than a minute or so.
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